Song of the Day (10/15/2018)

Today’s “song of the day” is named after a favorite drinking game from my beer-guzzling youth. The song is Crank That by Soulja Boy. I remember (or don’t) nights spent gargoyling atop rows of kegs whilst my school chums would pound natties and play “watch me crank it watch me roll…then Superman that oooh” – an elaborate drinking game with details too complex for this medium.

Across the fraternity’s velvet-laced basement lounge, my accompli…peers would get a group of guys together and play “I’m bouncin’ on my toe watch me super soak dat ooooooh” – that too described an arousing drinking game. If we were lucky, the underage sisters from the visiting sorority would bring sake to really up the ante and we’d all end up “turning Japanese” courtesy of their youthful bending nature.

But careful! A good drinker/lifter always thinks ahead and brings protection to these parties. We’ve heard of the ravaging effects of the infamous “blue waffle.” If you’re not careful, you may end up with a:

Pack it tight, pack it right.

…drinking game.


I’m Going to Hell 2.0

I struggled with this one. A lot. Two good hombres told me not to share the photo. I trust both people’s judgment completely. Unfortunately, I feel like I have to share this with the world. Not to offend the woman, whose photograph I recently took at the airport, but because the resemblance is just too strong. Forgive me.

If South Park is allowed to make light of the situation, why can’t I merely say the real person and the character look similar? I promise I don’t mean to offend her.

Song of the Day (10/11/2018)

In the spirit of celebrating the Ralph Club – Biggest Contributor’s successful nomination to the highest court of the land (move aside City of Berkeley), today’s song of the day is The Magic Number by De La Soul. Throw on your one-piece because this rift is gonna take you for a ride.

Donny T is looking to replace Jeff Sessions?!? First, the entire cabinet. Then Nikki Haley. This does not look good. If we really insist on replacing Jeff, I recommend we find someone nearly identical in appearance and charm. I propose:

The top hat, cane, and monocle exude that relaxed southern class we need.

And finally, I recognize this is a suuuuuper-ballsy move but I think it’s time I finally post a cock pic:

“I’m responsible only for what I say, not what you understand.” – John Wayne

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 22 in Today I Learned – CIA Filipino Vampires


Usually when I write these posts, the choice title is pretty obvious – someone’s name or a self-explanatory descriptor of the event. But today – whoo boy, ‘CIA Filipino Vampires’ sounds like a Cards Against Humanity-themed Mad Lib, but really only skims the surface. Let’s unravel a new spool of wonderful tales of American imperialism!

The background – the Philippines, post World War II. The Philippines had strongly resisted Japanese occupation during the war, but eventually succumbed to their superior forces and weaponry. After the war, a new government was installed consisting most of people who had originally folded to the Japanese because the United States didn’t really seem to give a shit who was left in charge. A national rebel force – the Hukbalahap – was vehemently anti-Japanese and embraced communism, which meant they were about to get heavily fucked with by the CIA due to the Philippines being a highly-strategic point. Was it actually a strategic point? Unlikely, beyond its general value as part of the Truman Doctrine wherein the US would oppose any form of communism anywhere in the world, hence the Korean and Vietnam War. But “lack of strategic value” has never stopped America from getting involved!

Anyway, the United States wanted to quell this rebellion with as little effort as possible – again, probably because it wasn’t THAT valuable as an asset, but fuck if the Soviets were going to have it. The CIA elected to deployed Air Force Brigadier General Edward G Lansdale to settle the conflict. Why Lansdale? Because he was a fierce believer in the idea of “psychological operations” – psyops at the time – and believed he could resolve this little tete a tete with a bit of mental brutality.

Lansdale sent in some locals to mingle around critical villages the CIA needed to push the rebels back. The locals returned to their towns with tales of an “aswang” – not a Google autofill of your last weird search, but Filipino vampires of lore – telling villagers and rebels alike they had seen the mythical creatures in the area, looking for victims to reap for blood. Aswangs are a somewhat ambiguous term, as some areas think of them as shape-shifting ghouls, others as evil spirits, and others as warlocks. Lansdale, seeing as he was part of the CIA in the 50’s, decided “fuck it – this aswag is gonna be a vampire.”

Lansdale sends these rumors swirling through villages, and had his forces sit back a few days to let these vampire stories take root in the rebels. Some indefinite point down the line, CIA forces hid along rebel patrol routes, and silently snatched the last man in the group. The patrol would end back in the village before realizing they had lost a man somewhere during the rotation. During this window, Lansdale’s men would puncture the poor sap’s neck, hang him upside to drain him of his blood, and then drop his body back near the patrol route so a rescue team looking for their missing comrade the next morning would stumble across it. Being superstitious (if you were a 1950s Filipino villager rebel) or an idiot (my term), these rebels would find a body mutilated in exactly the pattern heard in previous rumors. Being superstitious (1950s Filipino term) or cowards (my term), the Hukbalahap bailed the hell out of the area after only one incident of bloodletting, allowing the CIA-backed Filipino forces to casually takeover a tactically-useful hills.

While certainly the most historically entertaining tidbit (albeit in a Patrick Bateman-esque way), the aswang was not the end of Lansdale’s psyops in the Philippines. Lansdale had American aircraft buzz villages where suspected rebels were hiding, and blast the names of the rebels gained through counter-intelligence over loudspeakers, threatening death unless they immediately surrendered. If you were some poor Filipino rebel, I would imagine this a good indication to flee the town or surrender. This tactic proved to be a pretty effect means to rustling out rebels, but Lansdale preferred a more psychotic approach. Using the same tactics of eliciting the names of suspected rebels, the Filipino army would sneak into the village housing these rebels and paint an enormous eye on a wall facing the house of each suspected rebel. The “eye of God” was even more compelling than the loudspeakers; to quote Lansdale’s memoirs: “The mysterious presence of these malevolent eyes the next morning had a sharply sobering effect.” Rebels tended to disband immediately under the painted eyes rather than continue to fight.

Looking back on this tale of psychological warfare, my biggest question remains – were the rebels ACTUALLY terrified of these mythological attacks becoming reality, or were they frightened by the American operative who kidnapped and drained their comrades of blood in the jungle? A question as old as time!

Arch Stanton Guest Post: College Football Preview

Just kidding! This isn’t a college football preview as much as a discussion of college football mascots, although I fear I may have alienated the vast majority of the potential readers with a title and topic as plebeian and regional as college football. Bear with me – there is something for everyone here: corruption, animals, the South being portrayed in a poor light.

College football is unlike any other sport in the sense it is profoundly unadorned with any logic or reason. You root for your favorite baseball team because that’s where you live, but your favorite college football team is so much more than that. It is an essential descriptor of the type of person you are, of your family personal history, and something innately within you beyond literary characterization. With a few tidbits about a few teams, maybe you’ll get an idea about the types of people involved in the stupidest sport to ever exist.


Alabama Crimson Tide: OF COURSE we start with Alabama. Eternal #1, perpetual distributor of curb-stompings, and owners of an elephant mascot. Well not currently, but they did previously! Up through the 1950s, the University of Alabama kept a real, live, elephant as a mascot. You may be asking ‘what type of elephant exactly did they keep as a mascot?’ or ‘where did they get an elephant in Alabama?’, and you would be showing a fundamental lack of understanding of the University of Alabama, the state of Alabama, and college football as a whole by assuming any of this was according to a larger plan or more than flamboyant pageantry. The elephant’s name was Alamite, and was originally brought to games and carried the homecoming queen onto the field, but was given up as it became too costly. With that in mind, consider Alabama’s current coach makes over $11 million a year, had his home paid off by boosters, and recently stated they were going to upgrade their football facilities to the tune of $600 million. Do not rule out a future resurrection of a live elephant mascot in Alabama.

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Texas A&M Aggies: A&M is an agriculture school with a strong ROTC program, so obviously their mascot is a rough collie named Reveille. Reveille is the highest-ranking member of the Texas A&M Corp of Cadets, making her the Air Bud of the armed forces. There have been nine official Reveilles, with the deceased priors buried at the field. Texas A&M is a weird place, like if a military outpost hosted Burning Man.

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Baylor Bears: Baylor has two bears they keep on campus: Judge Joy and Judge Lady, two sassy old broads who sound like they’re on a Golden Girls-Judge Judy spinoff. Up until 2010, they were brought to games on leashes. Live black bears, on leashes, during a sporting event with tens of thousands of noisy fans – Texas as hell. I saw one report that they originally were given lots of Dr Pepper before they realized, “hey wait a second – bears probably shouldn’t drink carbonated sugar water!” Again – Texas. As. Hell.

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Auburn Tigers: So Auburn is nicknamed the Tigers, but their mascot is a live eagle. Why? There’s some half-assed story about how a wounded eagle flew over a field in 1898 while Auburn was driving against Georgia, but that seems to be mostly bullshit. Auburn has kept an eagle on hand despite this limp-wristed excuse for history since 1930. They are their seventh official golden eagle. I went to a game in Auburn once, and before the game, they set this enormous dog kennel up on one of the outer rims of the upper deck. The camera zooms in and projects to the largest videoboard in college sports (suck it Saban!) a scene of a college kid rattling the cage. As the fear of being witness to the most horrific display of animal abuse I could imagine, this eagle crawls out and takes off around the stadium. The crowd goes WILD. It circles a few times before descending on the arm of a handler at midfield, with the crowd still screaming. Somewhere in front of me in my section, a man cries out above the roar, “AIN’T EVER SEEN NO ELEPHANT DO THAT! WAR EAGLE!” It remains one of the highlights of my life.

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University of Tennessee Volunteers: Tennessee is named after their citizens willingness to leap to a call to action in the Battle of New Orleans from Andrew Jackson, and less so their enthusiastic for the support of the Confederacy during the Civil War. Yes, the Civil War was almost one hundred and fifty years ago, no it does not matter one bit in the realm of college football (Ole Miss still calls themselves the fucking Rebels. Give up your participation trophy already losers). Who cares about that – they have a bluetick coonhound named Smokey who sits on the sidelines during games, and he is delightful. Tennessee is on Smokey X, who gets wrapped up in blankets during night games, and on especially chilly nights, dons a coonskin hat. It’s precious. Smokey IX is forever regarded as the greatest Smokey, as he repeatedly nipped (Tennessee’s words) or bit (opponents’ words) players during games. Look at this dog. I would die for Smokey.

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United States Naval Academy Rams: Obviously, a live ram shows up during games. His name is Bill the Goat, because the Navy doesn’t overthink these things. Navy is on Bill the Goat XXXIII, with the first appearing in 1893. Navy does not fuck with tradition. Animal welfare agencies have been heavily involved with Bill the Goat, as ultimate rival Army has kidnapped Bill prior to their annual face-off on multiple occasions, and left him in inopportune locations. (FYI – no Bills were hurt, although a few have been mildly inconvenienced by being rerouted to animal shelters on game day).

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University of Colorado Buffalo: Ralphie V is a live buffalo they run out onto the field before games. This is a delightful tradition, until Ralphie decides his handlers are going for a wild, nationally-televised ride should he remember he is a 1,200 pound animal that four hungover assholes with ropes could never hope to contain. There are multiple instances of Ralphie breaking lose, with handlers getting shed with others nearly being trampled ( In a list of terrible ideas for a live mascot to wrangle on the sidelines, Ralphie is pretty high.

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University of Georgia Bulldogs: The Bulldogs, surprisingly, have a bulldog as a mascot named Uga. Not because he’s ugly but because of the University of Georgia is abbreviated as U of GA… get it? It’s very clever. We are on Uga X after the first appeared in 1956. In the most college football/SEC/Georgia part of this entire list – the fondness with which each Uga is remembered by directly correlates to the football team’s winning percentage while he was active, lest you forget what this is all about.

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University of Florida Gators: Had a live gator on the sidelines starting in 1957 (sorry, no pictures), but eventually decided a prehistoric swamp monster was probably not an ideal candidate to be roaming around the chaos of a football game. The school swapped in a costumed version of an alligator in 1970. Cowards, although Albert is a pretty great costumed mascot. He wrestled Steve Irwin one time! He got a wife!

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Florida State University Seminoles: Florida State is what most people like to refer to as “problematic” – they have had multiple incidents of sexual allegations against players that were swept under the rug or “mishandled” by local police. A professor had the AUDACITY to demand that her students/players actually attend and show effort in class – she was promptly fired and blackballed from academia. Florida State isn’t so much of a school as a vehicle for football.

You’ll be shocked to hear they have a tandem live mascot – Osceola, a Seminole rider, on top of Renegade, an Appaloosa horse. The rider is a white guy with face paint carrying a flaming torch – the school has had the approval of the local Seminole tribe that this is totally not racist, you guys! – but people insist this is wildly inappropriate, to which alumni suggest “you should have seen what it was before” (a white guy in red face dancing around the middle of the field). So obviously, it will never die.

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University of Southern California Trojans: The Trojans have a horse (Traveler!) with a nameless Trojan rider, so a massive improvement on Florida State. We are on Traveler IX. I really only added this to prove that they have football on the west coast, albeit it is vastly inferior in terms of the full-only stupid displayed by the south.

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University of Arkansas Razorbacks: The Razorbacks have a live boar on the sidelines for their games named Tusk. Apparently, a wild boar is called a tusk, so having a domesticated boar and calling him “Tusk” is technically inaccurate, but “technically correct” has never been a selling point in Arkansas. We are on Tusk IV (Arkansas was late to the game on actual live mascots), with Tusk II repeatedly jumping out of his four-foot cage despite being a 500 pound big. Suddenly, Robert Baratheon’s death seems far more realistic than originally presumed.

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University of South Carolina Gamecocks: I’ll be damned if that isn’t a beautiful chicken (FYI – for a good time, Google ‘beautiful chickens’)! South Carolina goes by the “Cocks”, because they have no sense of irony and/or a wise understanding of teenage boys willing to buy apparel with “COCKS” splayed across the front. They have a giant chicken-man in a costume named Cocky that no one gives a shit about, but they also have an enormous chicken (actually from a gamecock breed) named Sir Big Spur. This is AWESOME until you realize handlers and fans frequently shoehorn how Sir Big Spur is “bred to fight”, which seems like an unusual way to describe something that has been outlawed for decades in America.

/double checks laws on cockfighting

//sees its only been outlawed since 2008 in South Carolina

Well what the fuck do I know.

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University of North Carolina Tar Heels: Tar Heels – surprisingly not rooted in outdated racism! They have had at least twenty-three rams named Ramses – I couldn’t find an official number, but I did find a report that Ramses XXIII was brutally murdered by a drunk guy in 1996. Yeesh. Also – apologies for the enormous balls on Ramses in the above picture, but I thought you should see them.

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University of Texas Longhorns: If we want to discuss college football stupidity, we are definitely taking a lengthy detour into Austin, Texas to look at the Longhorns, perhaps the stupidest team in all of college football (Alabama sees you, spends millions to take roughly a hundred yards off of the teams walk from the locker room to the field on game day (this is actually happening as part of that massive expenditure I mentioned above)). No team has had more money involved and a longer history of general “wait, what happened?” than Texas. Evidence A – Joe Jamail, a local attorney who became big shit and decided the most appropriate thing to do would be to finance a football team and fight opposing counsel in depositions (true story!

As incredible as Texas’ endless reserve of boosters is, this is about mascots. ENTER BEVO, a big-ass steer Texas trots on the sideline during games. We are on Bevo XV, direct descendant of the four previous Bevos, including Bevo XIV who famously attended George W Bush’s second inauguration. You know, the guy who grew up in Connecticut, graduated from Yale and got an MBA from Harvard – obviously the 1,800 pound steer would be around for his party. That said, I get it – Bevo is delightful. The Longhorn Network (a University of Texas athletics-only channel – oh, does that seem preposterous to you? WELCOME TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL), runs a five-hour special on Christmas of Bevo standing at his ranch set to Christmas music.

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Louisiana State University Tigers: This is what we have been building towards. I may have jumped the gun on calling Texas the most outlandish because LSU is DEFINITELY the dumbest program in sports, which is why I love them unconditionally. Louisiana, if you didn’t know, is currently in the midst of a massive budgetary crisis where the state is struggling to finance its public institutions, but the public school did manage to rustle up $9 million to buy out their last head coach, who had won a national title for them only a few years prior. This is not a new phenomenon – famously crooked governor Huey Long tripled the size of the marching band after being shown up by an opponent, and when the state legislature would not approve funds to be used to build a new, Roman-style football stadium, he built a row of dorms, and added a field to one side of the new dorms, and had bleachers installed adjacent to the field. Free stadium! Louisiana is everything you would think it would be.

Alas! The mascot! We’ve seen other outlandishly named teams, but Louisiana doesn’t shy away from that. Yes, they have a real, live Bengal tiger. His name is Mike. Who is Mike? No one seems to have a great idea, but we are on Mike VII, who is really the eighth Mike (one died and they forgot to jump to the next number) (again, LSU is just stupid as hell, and we should all learn to embrace it). You know how we noted how other mascots have broken loose? Well, Mike’s been loose a few times. Sometimes because he was kidnapped by rivals, because stealing a BENGAL TIGER is something you do when you want to cheat death, but other times he just… got out. I dunno man, why you gotta make such a fuss? He didn’t kill anyone! He was tranq’d and returned unfazed. Mike originally became a mascot once a booster thought “it would be RAD to have an actual tiger for a mascot”, and because it was the 1940s, and it apparently wasn’t that difficult to find a tiger for sale in Baton Rouge, LA. Now, LSU rescues tigers from shitty zoos or subpar habitats, only to wheel their asses out on to a corner of the field during game day. Humanitarianism is one thing, but goddamn if we ain’t playing in-conference this week! LSU embraces everything about Louisiana, the Southeast Conference, college football, and America as a whole, with endless waves of pageantry, flamboyance and excess, and for that reason, I am eternally loyal to them.

(Big hat tip to Spencer Hall/@edsbs and his incredible season opener previews (one on LSU Tigers, Alabama Elephant, South Carolina Cocks and Tennessee Volunteers – this is why I ended up digging in on mascots in the first place. Spencer is one of my favorite writers, and each article is an incredible read even if you know nothing about college football. Strongly recommended if only for the wonderful evaluation of southern Americana. Start here:

Random Bidtits (10/7/2018)

Annyonggggg!!! We begin today with some wonderful Arrested Development shoutouts from about town/internet. Check out this dude:

GILLIGANNNNN!!!!! And also this one:

Here come the neighborhood toughs (hot cops)!

Moving along, here’s a great video ( of a frat bro ripping a small keg. Keeping the dream alive. And a great video ( on the political philosophies of the various Mario Kart characters. The second video is tremendously entertaining and worth your time.

Filling out an application for a Bank of America account? Pay careful attention to the list of available occupations, one of them is “Arms / Ammunition Dealer.” No shit, see below:

Back to LinkedIn. This is awkward:

I also came across a late middle-age male/female couple that both have the same millennial lesbian haircut:

A little discomforting, although not nearly as disconcerting as driving behind this chick on the highway:

Just ask me! Much like Brian Williams, I was there!

Just look at that crowd in the bumper sticker, you know who’s absolutely thrilled about it:

That smug, shit eating grin makes me so happy. Nearly through these photos that have been sitting on my phone for too long now. I nearly stepped on this little guy:

Where are my peeps that pump iron at Planet Fitness? Familiar with the lunk alarm? If so, you’ll like this short video:

I’m guessing most of this readership is still in college, or acts like it. If watching Kavanaugh break through 11 tackles during his 100 yard touchdown run has inspired you to drink more beer, some drink markers are a great idea:

And finally, there HAS to be a better name for the following:

That name might send the wrong message…

Fucking finally through that. Sorry to dump that on you but these have been on my phone for too long and I’m too lazy to work them into anything more than just spraying and praying you like them.

Nominate Republican ’18.

“I’m the stuff men are made of.” – John Wayne (or was it Brett Kavanaugh?)

House of the Day (10/5/2018)

Nǐ hǎo! Hope everyone is enjoying their Friday.  Just a couple of homes that you all may appreciate.  Enjoy:

The first is a property just outside of Aspen in Woody Creek and previously owned by Sam Wyly.  He had originally asked ~$60 million but it was recently auctioned off for just over $14 million.  Circle R Ranch is roughly 244 acres and has six family homes, each with a unique design.  Altogether, there are 22 bedrooms across the compound, with 22,165 square feet of living space.  The property also includes a 500 tree evergreen farm, a tennis court, and two ponds for trout fishing.  Here’s the house:

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Next is a home that’s on the market for $9 million in Lake Bluff, just north of Chiraq (nee Chicago).  Built in 1931 and containing nearly 30,000 square feet, the house is set on 5 acres along Lake Michigan with over 400 feet of lakefront.  Here it is:

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…and that’s all she wrote.