Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

Song of the Day (8/6/2017)

Ahhhhh salaam and good evening to you, my dear friends (particularly relevant given this recent find:)

Man, I miss Robin Williams’ genie but I’m glad to see this American is repping well with his clever Beer shirt bought in the Kohl’s teenage boys section.  Anyway, today’s song of the day is Daddy’s Gotta go to Work by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  I feel like one of Reagan’s non-pigment-lacking victims in the 1980s…I’m getting rip roaring high on The Rock.  Speaking of which, don’t you absolutely adore this shirt:

Apologies that the photo is on a bit of a slant.  Speaking of which, if you’re bored with the same old Spankwire and Pornhub:

Never gets old.  And finally, the women’s march.  I made a bet with someone the day after the march (back in January if you’ve forgotten about it) that within 14 days, the media will have dropped the coverage entirely and the world will forget about what took place that day.  Yes, there was the strike in March, but with that lone exception, the world has moved on and forgotten about the plight of the penis-lacking proletariat.  One reason: the cause didn’t have a unified, coherent message.  I went to their website in late January, read the main page three times and still couldn’t figure out what the fuck their intended message meant.  The NRA is successful because they’ve rallied millions of people behind ONE SINGLE ISSUE.  It’s basic, the people know what they’re fighting for, and the message is beyond coherent.  You read the women’s march website and its a fucking patchwork of democratic causes that, although I support them, are scattered haphazardly not unlike Ellen Pao throwing darts at a newspaper figuring out which company she’ll sue next.  If they’d named the event “The March for Equality” there’d be no confusion and they wouldn’t ALIENATE HALF OF THEIR POTENTIAL SUPPORTERS, fucking morons.  They took a bunch of issues applicable to everyone…then excluded half of their base by hurling bullshit epithets at white men (ummmm, the very people in positions of power with the ability to enact social change).  It’s akin to the truck drivers in 2008, going 15 MPH on the highway in some misguided protest of high prices at the pump.  They’re blocking every other driver on the road, thereby alienating THE VERY PEOPLE who would most likely support them.  Top. Men.  Did you know that the women’s march has an app?  A phone app.  For your phone.  Seriously…

Oh, and their causes which they clearly ripped from the Democratic Party:

Well, sorry for the rant.  I’m fully supportive of equality but my gosh, they’re about as effective as Trump pushing anything that rhymes with “legislation.”  Well I’m off to work on my taxes following a six month extension earlier this year.  Wonder if I can claim the federal government as a dependent on my returns.

Song of the Day (8/2/2017)

Annyong!  WOOOOO!!!!  Today’s song of the day is a great one so buckle up, buckaroo.  It’s Flashdance What a Feeling by Irene Cara.  The woman who’s so nice, they named her twice.  Moving right along.  I have a personal trainer friend who spends his days walking around the gym, incessantly talking about “laying pipe,” even going so far as sharing this mantra with the female patrons/teaming masses.  Apparently, even “laying pipe” was too subtle for Matt:

Speaking of easy women (and fast cars), my Flyin’ Hawaiian was ALL too excited to listen to this ‘Rari purr:

She’s a real slut for Ferrari but then again, so am I.  Viva la Ferrari 458!!! Somewhat related, I passed a license plate last night that was DRYPOWDR.  My erection grew three sizes that day.  That’s all for today.  Though I did come across this license plate holder from Sandi in Illinois (trigger alert: it’s a Kia):


Pothead.

I’ll let everyone get back to their news and Trumpmania.  Donald Trump…putting the “panic” back in Hispanic.

The Trumps vs. The Bluths: A Posting by Arch Stanton

Good ol’ boy Arch Stanton shared some words of wisdom with me a few weeks ago that are entirely worthy (okay, everything is worthy of this capitalist rag) of Musings and Malarkey.  And without further delay, I give you Mr. Stanton.

Arch on the Trumps vs. the Bluths:  Let’s look at the similarities between the Trumps and the Bluths.  Made their money in shady real estate dealings but had dozens of other half assed ideas/schemes that went terribly wrong.  Terrible attorneys.  “Light treason.”  Ditzy daughter who stands in opposition to everything the family does with high-visibility, low-impact charities.  The brothers are simultaneously manchildren and impossible idiots thinking they’re in control of things.  Tell me you can’t see Eric Trumps face on GOBs in the Magicians Alliance holding a sign “WE DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”  General confusion about religion.  They both are involved in a beauty pageants.  The parental-child relationship a la MotherBoy.  Their charities being shady fronts.

Arch on Greeks following the posting on Arianna Huffington:  And still more in casual racism!  Went to a Greek place for lunch, and this girl was DISGUSTED with my reflections on the laziness and general indifference of the Greek culture.  1) That’s not even racism, just specific xenophobia.  2) This isn’t really based in stereotype, we all know why the country collapsed.  3) They should try harder.  I’ll spot the Greeks democracy – great job, we can all agree, but the next 2000 years and your next biggest contribution to society is fucking yogurt?  4) Not my fault I don’t want this lady’s armpit hair in my gyro and hummus.  5) Okay the last one was kind of racist.

I’d like to extend a warm “thank you” to Arch Stanton for his input.  And finally, an AMAZING video on The Donald: Donald Trumps CNN on Monday Night RAW.

“Oh, my! Artoo! Can you hear me? Say something!”

Look what they did to Artoo!  I felt like I was pissing into his mouth.  Separately, I stumbled across an amazing boat name:

If you can’t read it, it’s “Wasted Seaman.”  Try and top that (okay that sounds worse than expected).  Speaking of great names, came across another one this week:

Also, came across the worlds best company name and logo.  How perfect given that National Day of the Cowboy is celebrated on the fourth Saturday of every July.  How baller is this:

Reagan be praised.