A Quick Vent on Organized Religion

But first.  Read a good one today:  Two jews find out that Hitler walks past a certain alley every morning at 8am.  So they decide to wait in the alley and kill Hitler and save the world.  They get to this alley at 5am and wait…6am…they wait.  7am…they wait.  8am…still no Hitler.  So they decide to wait a bit more.  9am…11am…2pm…4pm…  At this point one turns to the other and says, “I hope he’s okay!”

I like that one – will use it from now on.  These not-terribly-offensive jokes are always worth a hearty shekel.

Separately, I came across the following sign last weekend in America’s heartland.

I was SO FUCKING tempted to knock on their front door and tell them of the time when a close friend was rolling joints in a hotel room, ran out of rolling papers, and proceeded to rip a page from the Bible for his next joint.  That’s a true story.

I’m miffed, no, livid, that bible thumpers still have a vote in this country.  And it’s not just the dyed in the wool fanboys that shoehorn religion into every hole of the evolutionary process.  It’s also the people who pay homage for a single hour each week.  It’s ditzily unreal.  In protest, I’ve decided to camp out at the following location:

And set up a booth, pamphlets and all, promoting the Flying Spaghetti Monster as a palatable alternative to their “God.”  My scam is no more shamelessly invented.  It’s akin to intellectual high treason, to steal a term.  And yet, I can’t overlook the economic genius of the church.  As a raging capitalist, I appreciate the fact that the church is simply polishing the heels of well-heeled people.  But to join these milksops in their ill-fated quest for higher understanding in the pages of the Bible?  I’d rather eat my hat.  Assuming its kosher.

That’s probably enough venting for now.  I’ll leave you with these two quotes:

“Some people have views of God that are so broad and flexible that it is inevitable that they will find God wherever they look for him. One hears it said that ‘God is the ultimate’ or ‘God is our better nature’ or ‘God is the universe.’ Of course, like any other word, the word ‘God’ can be given any meaning we like. If you want to say that ‘God is energy,’ then you can find God in a lump of coal.” – Steven Weinberg

“There is in every village a torch – the teacher; and an extinguisher – the priest.” – Victor Hugo

In reality and in all honesty, I delineate between religion and spirituality/higher power.  I have no issue with the latter.  None.  Only the former, organized religion, that naturally assumes your religion is right and the others must be wrong.  This is the progressive, twenty first century.  Organized religion, like vaginal intercourse, is better left to Amish puritans and luddites.

Side thought, has anyone ever considered bringing the church public via IPO?

Trump, Fake Ejaculate, and True Love

HELLOOOOOOOO TRUMP NATION!!!

Today, like many, will be a random collection of links, photos, and directionless insights.  But first, we begin with a shoutout to our old friend and soothsayer, Donald Trump.  Although he was grabbing at straws throughout much of the third debate (better he grab at straws than the alternative…), his performance was more muted and focused than previous encounters with his much more skilled and experienced vagina-wielding counterpart.  Kudos, Donny T.  Quick side note: no educated, empathetic person (bearing a vagina or otherwise) in his or her right mind would ever round up and deport the 12 million+ illegal immigrants within the United States.  Hillary threatened that Trump would have ‘mass deportations via planes, trains, and any other means.’  Um.  Perhaps we could avoid the whole packing people onto trains concept for just a bit longer.  It carries a lesson of history with the same degree of importance as Trump carries Tic-Tacs.

However, huge shoutout to Hillbeast for her recent spot on Between Two Ferns.  Word on the crumbling, underinvested street is that even Bill stepped away from a private meeting with a campaign intern to watch the segment.  It seems a democrat in the hand isn’t worth as much as two in the bush.  Hillary likely has this one in the bag but The Donald still had a chance to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat.  Emphasis on snatch.

In mid-September, I was having a thoughtful conversation with an old school chum about “faking it” in the bedroom (the devotees will recall a Seinfeld episode in which previously not-racist Cosmo Kramer claims he has faked orgasms with women on numerous occasions).  Again, one more enormous benefit of being a woman but I’ll leave that intensely academic discussion for another day.  But honestly.  Why are women fortunate enough to be in a position where they can “fake it”; however, men either have to put their head down and grind it out or risk being called a fruit by their dame in wait?  Well.  NOT ANYMORE!!!  Patent pending, I’ve invented a clever device that will help men give the illusion of an explosive orgasm without any of the arduously repetitive hard labor.  Many will recall the scene from Dumb and Dumber in which Jim Carrey uses a ketchup packet on his neck to fake a bloody incision by his barber.  And then it hit me – tartar sauce!  Tartar sauce packets can be neatly stowed beneath the bollocks and with an elaborate system of rubber tubes, tartar sauce can be pumped and ejaculated at will.  Reusable cartridges can be picked up at popular chain restaurants, VFW fish frys, and Heinz factory tours.  Seeing as how the food allusions are primarily taken (I’m looking at you, Gentleman’s Relish), I call it Tartar Tit Paste.  Let me metaphorically work this out on you: are YOU down with TTP?  If so, join me in my quest to get tumultuously-explosive tartar testicles onto CNBC’s Shark Tank for some “seed” funding.  To quote Bill Shakespeare’s Henry V, Act III, Scene I (which could not have been done without the brilliant mention of a friend), “Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood.”

If the Romans could invent an elaborate system of aqueducts to move freshwater around the empire, surely we can invent a system to move tartar sauce around the dick.

Also relevant, a photo taken at Whole Paycheck TONIGHT:

Next.  Came across the following in a home goods store which reminded me of a great scene between Bill Murray and Chevy Chase.

And finally, because I enjoy leaving on a positive note and without having to put in too much work (see Tartar Tit Paste), here is a great link about love and happiness.  It says it’s a ten minute read but many of my readers can likely get through it in under 20 seconds if they simply don’t give a fuck.  I suggest giving a fuck as it’s a great message and likely worth your tiempo.

“RELIGION.  Together, we can find the cure.” – Richard Dawkins

Jeb! and his Vision for Iraq 3.0: Mission Accomplished 2.0

…or at least it would’ve been had the softer, more ocularly protruding Bush brother not gone down in ignominious defeat.  Alas, my bromance with the Bush clan was put to bed by the youthful wiles of the man in orange.

Given that Bush’s lead was trimmed down to nearly nothing thereby leaving him with a bare platform, America has taken no time in realizing that Iraq 3.0 is a dream best left for another generation.  Republican constituents are incensed and the sky is falling.  But there’s hope!  When one country fails to be force-fed liberation (or decides to willingly open up their natural resources for our exploration), another will succeed.  Itssssss…VIETNAM 2.0!!!  HERE WE GOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Now for you finance history buffs, here is a link of the ten most valuable companies in history, adjusted for inflation in 2012 dollars.  May be a few surprises.

Finally, can’t believe this is the name of an actual product:

Hopefully it’s not made in Mexico or it’ll be real-talk, legit fucked under a Trump presidency.

“When one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.”

– DD