Awkward Moments (2/22/2017)

Approximately five to six weeks ago, our firm won a new engagement: our client was/is a women owned business with a demanding (and absolutely baller) female CEO.  Following the kickoff meeting, I was working my ass off for this chick.

Well, a few days later, I was at home on my stairmaster, doing steps in my boxer briefs (tighter and more form fitting than most boxers).  After maybe 20 minutes of taking steps in my briefs, the tip of my dick started to burn like a mofo.  So I took my briefs off and did stairs in the nude for another 10 minutes.

But my tip was still hurting.  Even bleeding ever so slightly.  I examined my John Thomas following the workout and realized that my tip had an abrasion from rubbing against the briefs.  Uh oh!

I went to shower and YEOWWWWWWW did it hurt under the water.  Soaping my womb broom was out of the question.  Then… I tried to pee.  The burning sensation was out of this world.  Peeing would not be an option.  But, FUCK!  I’m working insane hours, living on coffee, and also taking creatine for my workouts.  As a result, during that period, I was peeing maybe every 20 – 30 minutes.  What was I going to do?  The pain was unbearable and I couldn’t even get a trickle going without excruciating pain.  I manned up (or not…), and held it in for as long as possible.  Went two, maybe three hours before I couldn’t hold it any longer.  Bit the bullet, went to the washroom and opened the shower curtain, grabbed my clam hammer, and released into the shower, knowing full well I wouldn’t have any aim control.  The pain was remarkable.

In the hours and two days following the incident, I stopped drinking all liquids and cycled off the creating briefly.  It was hard to not caffeinate while working such strenuous hours for this demanding female business owner and CEO, but my skin flute needed the time off.

In short (and this is the moral of the story), I started working for a woman and immediately my penis stopped working.

Two days later, my yogurt slinger was back to normal (I’m happy to report that 7 days a week, that squeaky wheel gets the grease) and my work/life balance was back to the usual: wake up in the morning, window shades up, focus on work, drink a coffee, window shades down, fire up Heroes of the Storm.  Rinse.  And.  Repeat.

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Song of the Day (2/21/2017)…and Arrested Development…and more

Today’s song of the day is Wait So Long by Trampled by Turtles.  Fuck it, last week I watched the new and original Magnificent Seven and holy cow were they spectacular.  So, with that, allow me to ROCK YOUR SOCKS with The Magnificent Seven theme song.  Best.  Theme song.  Ever.

Came across the following advertisement for something called Loverboy…

And it immediately reminded me of Lucille and Baby Buster (yo quiro lecheeeee) in Mother Boy:

And finally, some words of wisdom.  You can save money on bleach by not buying white underwear.

Came across this house name on a college campus a week ago:

That’s Ronald Ragin’.  Reagan be praised.

Well, back to the grind.  P.S.  Go out and get yourself bacon salt flavored sunflower seeds.  Your tongue will thank you…although the morning after hotbox in the shower can be debilitating.

Regulators…Song of the Day (2/16/2017)

I’ve been burning my ones and fives since the inaugeration.  Figured they’ll be pulled out of circulation following Donny T’s infrastructure plan and Damnit Janet’s war on the dollar.

I miss my boy Ben Shalom Bernanke.  Today’s song of the day is a shoutout to my homie-g, Burly Bernanke…it’s Regulate by Warren G ft. Nate Dogg.

You’re sorely missed, my man.  Please come back.  Wall Street needs you.  Main Street needs you. The wad of hundreds in the jar in my backyard needs you.  It’ll be the return of the Jedi, Benny boy.  Come stronghand those academic libs until they get their environmentally-sourced cotton undies in a twist.

Today’s financial insight: buy the fuckin’ dip.  

Song of the Day (2/10/2017)…and more

Really?  No one likes my windmills comment and allusion to Father Reagan?  Tough crowd…

Happy flipping Friday to you all!  With that, there are two songs of the day today:

1). Waves by Kanye West

2). Howling at Nothing by Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats

Yesterday evening, I discovered the magic of meme making.  Had to make two, one finance related and the other about feeling HOTS, HOTS, HOTS!!!

And finally.  Pitbull.  The man has his own cologne.  I’m…thrilled?

Oh!  How could I forget:

Yeahhhhhhh, don’t show up for work, mannnn.  Keep it up for another 108 days and you’ll truly earn that 70 cents on the dollar!  Well, it’s Friday.  I’m off to organize the men’s march.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it but the message is just as coherent as the women’s march at this point (i.e., claim there’s some actual stance on women’s rights but in reality, just spit vitriol and hate slogans at a president you don’t like).

J. Peterman Reality Bus Tour, Reagan, and Remote Year

A banker sent me the following acquisition opportunity this morning:

“A new deal matching your criteria has been added to DealForce: New York Sightseeing Tour Operator

Description:

The Company is a receptive tour, transportation, and travel management company. It offers customized and traditional daily sightseeing tours, as well as tailor-made, fun-filled, group discounted room and tour vacation packages. Services include a range of sightseeing tours and group/charter, as well as step-on guide services. Operations are supported by the Company’s fleet of 22 buses/shuttles and 4 vans for sightseeing, and 7 unique trolleys which can be used for special events, groups, or sightseeing. Operations are supported by a base of 68 full-time and 29-part time employees, including 44 commissioned sales agents, 32 drivers, 6 dispatchers, and other administrative and management personnel. The employee base fluctuates from approximately 25 in low season up to 100 in high season.”

And it occurred to me: here’s a perfect opportunity to buy and create my own J. Peterman Reality Bus Tour.  I’m looking for senior lenders who are willing to finance the entire purchase price with PIK interest and no amortization.  Any takers?

Jumping topics.  I was crisscrossing America’s crossroads state and came across the following sullen image:

Time for a message to my President: 

Mr. Trump, we Americans welcome change and openness; for we believe that oil & gas and economic prosperity go together, that the advance of domestic drilling can only strengthen the cause of the American superpower.  There is one sign your administration can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of prosperity and economic growth.  SeƱor meister Donald Trump, if you seek energy independence, if you seek prosperity for the American people, if you seek liberalization, come here to this wind farm. Mr. Trump, open federal lands. Mr. Trump, tear down this wind farm!

(Less than 100 miles away)  Do it in the name of:

And finally, something called Remote Year.  A buddy applied to this and brought it to my attention.  Absolutely fabulous idea.  From their website: Remote Year brings together a community of 75 interesting professionals from across the globe to spend a year working, traveling, and exploring 12 cities around the world.  Spending one month in each location, the community will connect with local cultures and business ecosystems, forming lifelong, borderless personal and professional relationships along the way.

Chicken Pancakes and Rocket League

Just a quick idea for those getting back at 1am and in need of some tasty protein (I’ll let this one go…).  Cook frozen, skinless boneless chicken tits in the pot on medium in vegetable oil and cover for twenty five minutes, flipping occasionally.  Then, cut the chicken now that it’s unfrozen and cut into tiny pieces.  It’s 1am and you’re home alone, cooking chicken and pancakes…so for the second time tonight, confirm you’re not seeing any “pink” and when you do, pour the pancake batter (mixed with water and more vegetable oil) into the pot around the chicken.  Cook for two to three minutes, flip, douse with salt and oregano, cook for another two minutes and voila, you got yourself a tasty, lazy-ass midnight treat.  Serve with hot sauce, mustard, or maple syrup.

Preparation phase:

Final product:

Further preparation:

And finally, because what’s a post without a shoutout to Rocket League and xBone Live, came across the following player this week and absolutely loved the name: