Song of the Day (8/31/2017)

Annyong!  Today’s song of the day is In Reverse by The War on Drugs.  Then I’ll leave you with some potentially doctored photos of our Charmer in Chief.  Also, did anyone see Melania with her FLOTUS hat on this week?  Great woman, great woman.  Made a fortune in wedlock.  Even if it’s a cruel, ugly existence.  Speaking of ugly existences, obligatory shout out to Ellen Pao.  It’s been years since Kleiner Perkins showed her the door…unfortunately it looks like she walked into it on the way out.

Before I forget!  I sat in on Tommy Thompson’s hearing in federal court earlier this summer.  You may have seen this story in the news recently but I got to sit in on the hearing and met TT.  Such an interesting story and guy.  Separately, and with a different federal judge from the one presiding over the Tommy case, I had lunch with a federal judge earlier this summer and rode around in an armored car with him – my first ride in an armored vehicle with the guns and gadgets and all!  We were tailed by another armored car and had a detail of six federal marshals everywhere we went.  One of the cooler experiences I’ve had as of late.  Anyway, I give you, The Donald:

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Random Bidtits (8/30/2017)

Banging through some life observations and cool shit from the last few weeks:

1)  Here is an article from the Wall Street Journal with some stunning photos of undersea life: Into the Deep: The Underwater Photography Awards.

2)  Here is an article from The New Yorker that is absolutely worth your time but will take a while to get through: Donald Trump’s Ghostwriter Tells All.  You won’t find a single surprise throughout the article.  Orange you glad I found this?

3)  Incoming book recommendation!  As a rule, I typically don’t read self-help books but this one came strongly recommended and I pass that on to you.  It’s: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson.  It’s a quick read and worth your time if you’re open minded.  Check out the Amazon reviews in the link.  I finished this last week after reading four Agatha Christie books last month.  Yes, Agatha Christie is the Goosebumps of adulthood but it’s easy and light and quick.  I did see a great Arrested Development shout out in the back of one of her books (also, look at those prices!):

And the Arrested Development connection:

4)  Quick, somewhat terrifying side note.  I cringe when I see the words “clinger” and “loosening” used in the same sentence:

5)  I spent last weekend in the back country of Virginia and West Virginia and it was absolutely gorgeous.  World renowned white water rafting, spelunking, The Greenbrier (including A TRUE CROQUET COURT!!!), the Omni and it’s surrounding thermal springs, and the New River Gorge Bridge (as seen on the back of the West Virginia quarter).  The Greenbrier is well worth your time.  However, there was some subtle racism under the banner of “southern charm”:

Which in reality looked like this:

There was also a memorial highway in honor of the armed forces…sponsored by the one and only West Virginia Garden Club, Inc.  You know, that’s an obvious overlap.

Also came across a new food group that may need to replace pork rinds at our next bro-get-together:

As well as a gas station WITH RACING FUEL:

And the nerdiest corner I’ve ever walked into:

My neckbeard grew three sizes that day.

6)  And finally, I saw the license plate below which reminded me of a terrific scene from Family Guy.

EAA AirVenture Oshkosh 2017

Happy flippin’ Friday!  I had the wonderful opportunity to partake in the EAA AirVenture Oshkosh event this year out in Cheese Country, USA.  Below are some of the photos and videos from the event (if anything, make sure you watch the four short videos).  Videos are video one, video two, and video three.  Oh, nearly forgot video four.  DEFINITELY watch them – they’re about 8-10 seconds each.  The videos don’t do the experience justice; I can’t begin to describe just how loud these things were during the fly-bys.  And for the record(ish), I may or may not be an FAA certified pilot.  When my flight club hears about this, the shit’s gonna hit the fan!

Today’s song of the day has to be Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins.  These beasts of burden are capable of bombing North Korea back into the…North Korean age.  ‘Merica.

The 2017 Vision Mercedes-Maybach 6 Cabriolet

Cabriolet!  Cabriolet!  Cabriolet!…  It’s only a model.‘  Yes, indeed, I made a reference to Monty Python.  And indeed, it’s only a concept car.  But it’s a fantasy car that has 750 fake horses under the massive hood, an all-electric, all-fantasy 200 mile range, and a look that is absolutely stunning.  Brace yourselves, the Germans are coming.  The following photos represent beautiful works of art. And just like the Germans, I shamelessly stole these pieces of art, mostly from Google Images.

Faith Tells Me That No Matter What Lies Ahead of Me, Reagan is Already There

Hooded Man #2: Have we started the fire?…  Bane: Yes. The [Reagan] rises. 

And finally.  My tomato garden has sprouted a va-jay:

Earlier in the harvest at a vegetable staff meeting to discuss the vegetable, fruit, and bacterial culture, Arianna Huffington, another pear, talked about how one tomato vagina on a plot often leads to more tomato vaginas joining a garden.

“Actually, what it shows is that it’s much more likely to be more talking,” Mr. Bonderman, resident anise, responded.

Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

Song of the Day (8/6/2017)

Ahhhhh salaam and good evening to you, my dear friends (particularly relevant given this recent find:)

Man, I miss Robin Williams’ genie but I’m glad to see this American is repping well with his clever Beer shirt bought in the Kohl’s teenage boys section.  Anyway, today’s song of the day is Daddy’s Gotta go to Work by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  I feel like one of Reagan’s non-pigment-lacking victims in the 1980s…I’m getting rip roaring high on The Rock.  Speaking of which, don’t you absolutely adore this shirt:

Apologies that the photo is on a bit of a slant.  Speaking of which, if you’re bored with the same old Spankwire and Pornhub:

Never gets old.  And finally, the women’s march.  I made a bet with someone the day after the march (back in January if you’ve forgotten about it) that within 14 days, the media will have dropped the coverage entirely and the world will forget about what took place that day.  Yes, there was the strike in March, but with that lone exception, the world has moved on and forgotten about the plight of the penis-lacking proletariat.  One reason: the cause didn’t have a unified, coherent message.  I went to their website in late January, read the main page three times and still couldn’t figure out what the fuck their intended message meant.  The NRA is successful because they’ve rallied millions of people behind ONE SINGLE ISSUE.  It’s basic, the people know what they’re fighting for, and the message is beyond coherent.  You read the women’s march website and its a fucking patchwork of democratic causes that, although I support them, are scattered haphazardly not unlike Ellen Pao throwing darts at a newspaper figuring out which company she’ll sue next.  If they’d named the event “The March for Equality” there’d be no confusion and they wouldn’t ALIENATE HALF OF THEIR POTENTIAL SUPPORTERS, fucking morons.  They took a bunch of issues applicable to everyone…then excluded half of their base by hurling bullshit epithets at white men (ummmm, the very people in positions of power with the ability to enact social change).  It’s akin to the truck drivers in 2008, going 15 MPH on the highway in some misguided protest of high prices at the pump.  They’re blocking every other driver on the road, thereby alienating THE VERY PEOPLE who would most likely support them.  Top. Men.  Did you know that the women’s march has an app?  A phone app.  For your phone.  Seriously…

Oh, and their causes which they clearly ripped from the Democratic Party:

Well, sorry for the rant.  I’m fully supportive of equality but my gosh, they’re about as effective as Trump pushing anything that rhymes with “legislation.”  Well I’m off to work on my taxes following a six month extension earlier this year.  Wonder if I can claim the federal government as a dependent on my returns.