Happy Ides of the Ides of March!  And Happy Ides of September, brah!

Yo, home girl!  What’s good?  Happy Friday!  Random thought a good hombre shared with me this week: you can’t spell “advertisements” without “semen” between the “tits.”  Now you know!

Like that joke?  Well, Reagan be with you.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been taking creatine or because I’ve been pounding my clamhammer more than usual, but I’ve been having some serious issues with drippage while peeing over the last year.  I can’t stop pissing on the bathroom floor when I stand to pee and it’s really upsetting my cohabitants.  Well I came across the below last weekend and it added insult to injury.

This is no joke.  I keep pissing on the floor, whether it be a result of a spray action or multiple stream action dynamic.  Who wants to take a “piss funnel” to shark tank?

Before I forget, the quality of reporting at the Wall Street Journal is really falling apart:

They screwed up the article title with that extraneous “to” in there.  If he sees it, I doubt Woo Beijing is going to be very happy about this.

And finally, the topic about which I know both of you care profoundly: poop.  Yesterday, I dropped off the Cosby kids at the pool (I know they’re Cosby kids but they were lucid and conscious when I dropped them off) and wow, we’re talking MJ, funk of forty thousand years musk.  Much like the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait in 1990, I stormed in, tore shit up, dropped mortar rounds, decimated the local flora and fauna, and GTFO.  Unfortunately for those in the stalls next to me, I didn’t set my deed on fire during my hasty retreat.  The experience reminded me of a shit I found in a gas station bathroom this summer:

Spend some time on that photo.  Notice anything?  AS IN, HOW THE FUCK DID THE GUY PINCH ONE OFF THAT HIGH UP ON THE BOWL?!?  Seriously, how did he do it?  1)  Does he have a second anus at the top of his crack with a strong horizontal trajectory?  2)  Did he thrust it out with such great force that it literally bounced off the water, breaking all known laws of molecular cohesion?  3)  Did he angle his buttcheeks as to bank it off the side and rim it around the bowl only to land on the top of the back?

He needs this (I took this photo back in May – finally using it):

Overheard a line this morning by David Feherty that “the ball went into the cabbage and is now swallowed up.”  Hopefully that’ll be a good omen for my Friday night.  David also said that the golfer was really working hard on the slope…that’s how my friend lost his virginity!

And finally, because I can’t leave both of you with a thinly veiled racist comment, I ordered a pizza a few weeks ago that sounded a lot like I was filling out a dating preferences profile:

“Half baked” and “cut” are spot on but I’m missing the fromunda cheese option.

And because Arch Stanton likes redheads, this one is for him/her:

Today’s song of the day, for those of you who have the patience for my cow dung, is 679 by Fetty Wap.  Happy Friday and have an absolutely, positively terrific weekend!!!  Remember, it’s Labor Day only one day of the year but it’s Capital Day 364 days a year!

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