Poseidon’s Kiss and an Exploded Potato

What? What did you expect? Remember, always, always, ALWAYS bust your murphies before packing them in.

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Song of the Day (3/27/2018)

Hola! Today’s song of the day is Blue Suede Shoes by Komodo. Solid pump-up song for those sad sacks out there who are feeling deflated and just dragging.

Some random thoughts today to get your noggin turning. First, does anyone here feel that the NYSE is guilty of entrapment for letting retail investors buy shares of BP? It’s been 8 years since the last oil-soaked black swan event and BP is likely due for another. ENTRAPMENT, MY DEAR BOY!

Second, the executives at United Airlines have been catching a lot of heat lately for killing an innocent dog. I guess this means we’re just going to overlook the executives at Korean Air and give them a free pass / meal ticket?

That was culturally insensitive. How could I! Moving right along before this anti-Korean business turns excessively ugly and we drop the obligatory Ellen Pao shout out. Much like the female agitator after just two beers, it’s very much tongue-in-cheek before falling flat.

Next is a photo an hombre, mas o menos mal, sent me:

And finally, something that will make your thinning southern hair stand on end:

Guest Posting by Arch Stanton: Stormy Daniels: An Investigation

As you are well aware, el Presidente’s latest scandal involves his putting his Cheeto-dusted penis where it doesn’t belong ala Bill Clinton, our substitute-teacher President. Like you, I have taken violent steps to avoid hearing about a man in his sixties being paddled by a washed-up pornstar with a magazine with his face on the cover while talking about how much his mistress reminds him of his daughter, but, if you couldn’t tell, I know far more than I ever wanted to know. In light of these traumatic details, what do we really know about the woman who has POTUS trembling in his children’s sized-8.5 velcro-Sketchers? Did you know she ran for the Senate in 2010 as a Republican, and her manager’s car was blown up during the campaign, possibly due to allegations from her camp that the sitting Senator had embezzled funds for a lesbian/bondage/prostitution/nightclub? More important than that sure-to-be-INSANE-story, what has Stormy Daniels’ more notorious career looked like, and what specific videos do you think Donnie has seen? This calls for an INVESTIGATION!

(So the idea came up, and it turns out Stormy has been in at least 151 movies, with 78 director/writing credits and 31 credits as herself, so let’s just look at movies for which she was nominated or won — there are still 42 of those, but a bunch are more body-of-work (pun intended) related than single performances so it’ll move faster than this introductory paragraph).

“Beautiful” (2004) – Could easily be confused for some French arthouse flick with such a bland name. How are you even suppose to know what kind of plowin’ to expect with a title like that? Trump skipped this, and I don’t blame him.

“Not A Romance” (2004) – Better, but still not telling us much. Sounds kinda like one of those corny parody movies from the early 2000s like “Not Another Teen Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”. Ugh, a porn parody of a parody film. Trump probably skipped over this one due to the “Inception”-level of layering involved to understand the premise, which would be fucking.

“Eternity” (2005) – Donnie definitely checked this one out due to the volume of awards it won. Best couples sex scene (with Randy Spears), best all-girl sex scene (with Jessica Drake) and best actress. Stormy went Meryll Streep on “Eternity” and really committed here. Knowing Trump’s proclivity for the best and most endorsed and most respected items, we could bet Donald Jr (not him, the other one) is familar with “Eternity”.

“Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre” (2005) – What the fuck is this? Pornography and power tools is a terrible combination (NOTE – not really!), but what is the audience for pornos and massacres? This warrants immediate inclusion on a half-dozen watch lists, right? “The girls are nice, and the penetration is great, but what it’s really missing is some dismemberment!” I guess Rule 34 continues to be validated.

“3 Wishes” (2006) – I am imagining a genie theme here, but it’s with the wishes of a thirteen year old so all the wishes involve getting laid. I get the idea that it would make for a terrible porno if the wishes were logical (“I wish for job stability! I wish for a loving wife and kids!”) but the premise already annoys me. If you’re going to wish to fuck a pornstar, at least pick an attractive one without weirdly bolted-on boobs. Trump would love this because he used his last wish on being President, and the monkey paw is starting to fold in its last finger.

“Taken” (2006) – Believe it or not, this movie came out two years before the infamous Liam Neeson vehicle, but I am choosing to live in the world where Stormy Daniels starred in Taken. “..but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career — now, take off those jeans!” Stormy Daniels bangs her way across Eastern Europe trying to rescue her kidnapped kid, and ultimately ends up living a gilded life on a weapon-trader’s yacht. I don’t remember much else about Liam Neeson’s “Taken”. Trump probably watched this.

“Operation: Desert Stormy” (2007) – Trump has yet to show much of an interest in the Middle East, so it’s unlikely he’s seen this, but I can confidently say George Bush has.

“Black Widow” (2007) – Another one where the title doesn’t tell us much. I’m picturing one of those adult films that tries to feature a complex thriller plot with a twist at the end that only the director could explain if you ply him with enough painkillers. It must be frustrating to have gone to college to direct and to end up zooming in on penetration, only to be phased out of that by horny frat dudes with handheld cameras. Like Picasso being reduced to selling Garfield prints in Central Park. J/K Jim Davis is the true star, and will one day receive his rightful place on Mount Rushmore after we chisel off that bum Lincoln.

“Heat” (2008) – Randy Spears makes his second appearance! I looked up Randy Spears because I have to know what a man with that alias looks like, and he looks like Jean Claude van Damme if he went into porn so, Jean Claude van Damme. “Heat” definitely sounds like a porno that was trying too hard. I say moderate chance the Donald saw this.

“The Wicked” (2009) – Vaguely erotic, probably a late night Showtime thing where it’s a lot of boobs but no other nudity or good stuff. Can you imagine Trump sitting in one of his hotel rooms with his pud in his hand waiting for THE GOOD STUFF only for the sheets to be pulled up or long shadows to be cast over the action? Trump’s seen “the Wicked”, and he hated the shit out of it.

“Whatever It Takes” (2010) – Wasn’t this a Spike Lee movie? Anyway, Stormy was nominated as the director for this one, so we probably don’t see her yams or vulva, so Donnie skipped this one too.

“Partly Stormy” (2010) – Oh yeah, here we go with the punny names! This is a great deal after Trump and Stormy had their alleged affair (2006), and while Stormy was undergoing her Senator campaign. Let’s pause for a moment as we place our right hand over our hearts and listen to “God Bless America” as we marinate in that last sentence. Middle of the road on likelihood he watched this one.

“Heart Strings” (2011) – Heart strings aren’t in the vagina (are they not? Mike Pence is a bit hazy on the subject), and it was another director nomination, so Trump skipped this too.

“Switch” (2013) – Best screenplay AND best director noms! I didn’t know either of these were a thing you could be nominated for in the adult film industry, but here we are, learning! I bet these awards on the ones they pass out before everyone gets to their seats and, ya know, passes out. No way he saw this.

I figured the names would be more, uhhh, “porn-y”, if that makes sense, and less mid-90s-thrillers. So what do we takeaway here? Nothing, really. Trump probably knows what Randy Spears’ dick looks like? The takeaway for me is “research before you just start writing some inane bullshit” and “Stormy Daniels isn’t very attractive for a pornstar”, and for you, the reader, a re-evaluation of your life choices that lead you to thinking about the President’s masturbatory habits for fifteen minutes.

Article: The Kushner Family Passover Haggadah

Article from here, shared with me by a surprisingly good hombre.

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to our Passover Seder! The history of the Jewish people reaches back nearly 4,000 years. We began as slaves in the land of Egypt but today we are free. As we recline in the luxury of freedom in our new Kalorama mansion, let us not forget our white Christian brothers and sisters yearning for release from bondage. We remember the baker forced to bake for every wedding and the ovum oppressed by its mother’s womb. May this Seder inspire us to light the torch of liberty and burn anyone who stands in our way. Thus we begin with the lighting of the candles.

KIDDUSH BLESSING OVER THE WINE

Next, we recite the blessing over the wine, given to us from Eric Trump Winery, the largest winery on the East Coast. This wine symbolizes the sweetness of a wealthy father and the joy we feel when we are all together, with the exception of Melania who prefers to stay in New York. Amen.

PARSLEY

The parsley on our Seder plate reminds us of spring and the earth’s natural bounty, which does not need cumbersome government regulations. We dip the parsley into salt water representing the bitterness of liberal tears. Then eat.

MATZAH

This is the bread of affliction. It is the simple bread our ancestors ate in the land of Egypt, Brooklyn, and New Jersey before reaching the Promised Land of Washington D.C. Our ancestors overcame great suffering in their journey to freedom without any government assistance. To those who are hungry and in need, we offer our prayers and hope, which is enough — Dayenu!

THE FOUR QUESTIONS

We’re not answering any questions today. No questions.

THE FOUR CHILDREN

The Torah instructs us to teach our children the story of Passover. The sages tell us there are four types of children:

The Wise Child — He understands what’s going on but is unable to convince others.

The Wicked Child — He understands what’s going on but goes along with it because it enriches him.

The Simple Child — He hasn’t a clue what’s going on but stupidly trusts Steve Bannon will figure it out.

The Child Unable to Ask — This kid is so shell-shocked by what’s happening that he turns mute like in the movie Tommy.

MIRIAM’S CUP

A cup of water is placed on the table to honor the prophet Miriam. Legend says God sustained the Jews as they wandered the desert with a steady stream of water coming out of Miriam’s wherever. We embrace this new Passover tradition as passionate advocates for the empowerment of women as symbolized by our “Make Women Great Again” luxury candle, available for sale at ivankatrump.com. This candle combines notes of peony, sandalwood, and conflicts of interest.

THE PASSOVER STORY

Now it is time to retell the story of Passover: A Pharaoh came to power in Egypt who feared the Jews because they wore strange head coverings. He didn’t believe the Jews were loyal to Egypt and loyalty was extremely important to Pharaoh, more than spelling, honesty, or the Constitution.

Pharaoh enslaved the Jews and forced them to make bricks for his tacky buildings with his name written on them in giant hieroglyphs. Then he issued a “Pharaoh-Order” mandating every Jewish male newborn was a security risk and must be drowned in the Nile, Pharaoh’s way of keeping “bad dudes” out of Egypt.

One Jewish mother resisted. She placed her baby in a tiny boat made of ancient Planned Parenthood signs, remnants of a bygone era, and set him afloat in the Nile, hoping he’d be saved. An undercover CIA operative posing as Pharaoh’s daughter found the baby, named him Moses, and raised him as her own.

Eventually, Moses learned of his true family’s identity and tried to help the Jews. (Family must always remain loyal—through felony convictions, product boycotts or impeachment.) Moses started @RoguePALACEfamily to spread hope, but failed to get Pharaoh to pivot on the Jewish labor issue. That’s when God had to step in and visited ten terrible plagues upon Egypt. They were:

Gender Neutral Bathrooms

Tuition-Free Public College

Paid Family Leave

Sensible Gun Control

$15.00 Federal Minimum Wage

Internet Privacy

Carbon Tax

Dodd-Frank

Campaign Finance Reform

Universal Health Care

Egyptians suffered greatly during these plagues. Everyone was getting the same opportunities. Pharaoh couldn’t handle it. After each plague, Pharaoh agreed to let the Jews go. But once the plague disappeared he’d tweet:

“FAKE NEWS got it wrong again — Jews know they r better off w/me than Moses. LOSER!!”

Curiously the tweets always happened on Shabbat. But amid great sorrow over the final plague of universal health care, Pharaoh relented. The Jews fled quickly into the desert without allowing their dough to rise and were stuck with a dry, tasteless, constipation-invoking bread substitute instead — the first matzah.

EXPLANATION OF PASSOVER SYMBOLS

SHANK BONE

The shank bone represents the sacrificial lamb Jews slaughtered the night they left Egypt. This Passover we engrave the shank bone with “Elizabeth Warren 2020.”

BITTER HERBS

These herbs remind us of the unfathomable bitterness of white working class America who threw a Hail Mary into our system of government in a last-ditch effort to bring back jobs in coal, steel, and VCR repair.

CHAROSET

A yummy salad of apple, nuts and cinnamon which shows off Ivanka’s cooking skills and her relatable desire to be a sweet and caring mother to her children. #familytime

ROASTED EGG

This egg is a symbol of rebirth and new opportunities for revenge on those who have betrayed us.

WELCOMING ELIJAH

We set aside a special cup of wine for the prophet Elijah. Legend says Elijah will return to earth to lead the way for peace. Unfortunately, we are unable to open our door to welcome Elijah as tradition dictates due to the protesting crowds outside.

CONCLUSION

As we conclude our Seder we give thanks to the Lord, our God, and ask for his greatest blessing of peace but take nothing off the table.

This year we are here; next year in Moscow!

Guest Post by Arch Stanton: Music Videos That Propelled Me Through Puberty

Today is a guest posting from our very own Arch Stanton, who can sometimes prove hard to find.  A preliminary note from Arch to kick off his posting: Really just an excuse to talk about my dick, I used WordPad so it could probably use a spell check.
A recent vacation featured a discussion of great music videos from the days of TRL, and since that’s a terribly bland conversation to have, it progressed to songs that tickled us as little boys in such a way that turned us into young men. The following is a list of music videos I was horribly embarrassed to watch around my mother, but looooooooooved to download on Limewire for later repeated viewings.
The first time I saw this, I distinctly remember viewing the opposite sex in a dramatically different light. Willa Ford may have fallen to the wayside of music history, but my penis will never forget her. For those of you unfamiliar with this cinematic masterpiece, the video features Willa in various locations and suggestive outfits seducing a DJ, valet, and police officers into neglecting their duties with a kiss on the cheek. Looking back on it now, this seems like a fair trade for a DJ to play a song, but we should expect more from our public servants.
At about :40 seconds in, Willa Ford has a minimally choreographed dance scene in an orange romper that remain sexier than any lap dance. At about 2:19, Willa has upgraded (or downgraded, based on your perspective) to a leather two-piece that could solve at least a dozen ongoing international crises. There are some cutaways during this dance sequence to a guy mouthing, “wow”, and I always found this wildly underwhelming as I looked like a dog seeing a beautiful woman in a 1970s cartoon, jaw on the floor with his tongue hanging out and eyes bulging out of his head. The video ends with a disclaimer – “No men were injured in the making of this video.” Many were injured watching it. FUN FACT: Willa Ford later went on to be in Playboy six years after this video. I am glad I only just learned of this, otherwise I would be dead at the age of 12 of priapism.
Unrelated, but Royce Da 5’9″ is featured on this track. Royce is the first person to brag about being 5’9″, but he also gained popularity after working closely with Eminem, in case you were interested in the six degrees of separation between Eminem and Willa Ford.
This video starts with remarkable corny CGI, even by 2001 standards, as Kylie begins by singing, “I just can’t get you out of my head / boy your love is all I think about” as she shifts gears in a definitely-not-sexually-suggestive way. About 1:27, Kylie starts dancing? hip thrusting? in what could be described as a tracksuit/dress featuring cleavage and belly button. Background dancers show up looking like they time traveled from being extras on the set of the Handmaid’s Tale.
Watching this video again now, Kylie Minogue looks like the type of women who would be terribly mean to me. I am into it, and that sure does say a lot about me. Another fun little tidbit I just learned watching this again, she has her ELEVENTH album coming out. This is more than enough proof the music industry deserves to collapse.
I bet you thought this was going to be all white women, didn’t you! Well, I have very diverse tastes, featuring one Hispanic woman with very white features, so jokes on you. Building on how Kylie looks like she’d be mean, Jennifer Lopez DEFINITELY would be mean to you. This video is basically scenes of Jennifer rolling around in the sand in a white cami and bikini briefs intercut with her singing and driving in her Jaguar to this beach and disrobing to said-outfit to roll in the sand. There are frequent cuts of her “adjusting” her bottoms that turned me into an absolute puddle.
All in all, the video is pretty cheesy (NOTE: this applies to every music video ever), but the parts of her rolling around and dancing in the sand are, to borrow a term from Benjamin Franklin, proof that God loves us. The video ends with Jennifer taking her top off and throwing it at the camera while walking into the ocean. I am dead. “Arch Stanton, 3 February 1862, died because he saw Jennifer Lopez topless from behind at 13.” I’ve never been jealous of A-Rod for anything ever despite his fame and fortune and fantastic career, but he is dating Jennifer Lopez, and for that, a hat tip.
Whereas most of these songs skullfuck you with midriffs and exposed ass cheeks, polluting a young boy’s mind, this video goes for a more innocent, “girl-next-door” approach. Literally, the video starts by panning through a neighborhood to the house next door and up to the second story window (pervy!) where Mandy Moore starts singing and dancing. What proceeds is a time capsule of the late-90s/early-00s, with spiky hair, bell bottoms, a VW Beetle, over-the-ear headphones, cargo pants, skateboarding in an empty pool, and various pairs of Sketchers.
This is the least sexy video here, but makes it because of my wildly-uncontainable 12-year old crush on Mandy. A boner of the heart, if you will. Unrelated, but Mandy Moore has REALLY long arms. I bet she could throw down a mean windmill dunk if so inclined. She also moves her mouth way more than is required, so maybe this video is more subconsciously sexual than it seems.
Oh man. This video. Christina has a lip piercing, a nose piercing, grimey-looking braids and makeup that looks like she should be auditioning for a bit role in Barnum & Bailey’s Circus, all of which grossed me out 2002, and continues to be unflattering today. COUNTERPOINT: low-cut leather pants/chaps with an orange bikini underneath and a red and white bikini top and lyrics and dance moves that called out to my hormones. A recurring thread for the observant is exposed hips/midriffs and flattering shots of ass cheeks. This video is almost exclusive those two things. This is the polar opposite of the Mandy Moore video, with scenes of grinding in showers and mud wrestling and a short skirt that serves as merely a formality.
Redman is featured on this song! Redman is the rapper who is definitely having more fun being a rapper than any other rapper. His songs were always upbeat and lively, and he definitely took this gig solely to show up in the video and grind and get real heavy with Christina. There is a 60% chance they banged during the making of this video. Redman is the best. (When I started this, I didn’t expect to divulge into my appreciation for Redman, but such is life.)
This is the most obvious video on the list. If you have the faintest idea of JAY-Z, or the concept of pimping, or this video, or rap in the 90s and early 00s, then you get it. So instead of creatively saying “butts” and “boobies” for two hundred words, I want to talk about how JAY-Z wrote this song after being charged with attempted murder after (allegedly) stabbing a record exec he believed had been leaking his albums. I say allegedly because he originally pleaded not guilty, and then pleaded guilty to three years probation which kinda seems like fair trade considering he really wanted to stab a guy. So anyway, Jay made this song because he was looking at not-insignificant prison sentence and wanted to “live it up”, so to say.
Pimp C, one half of the Houston rap duo UGK, wore a full-length fur coat to the shooting of this video on a yacht and at poolsides. When asked why he was wearing said full-length fur coat in such hot weather, he responded, “TV ain’t got no temperature.” Pimp C was a legend.
Another very self-evident inclusion, although any Britney Spears video could be here. Her whole shtick was making men of all ages get tingles in their slacks, as evidence by an array of music videos featuring shocking or revealing outfits. If she really wanted to shock me, she’d shoot a video wearing a parka. ANYWAY, Britney dances in a post-apocalyptic building during a heatwave, so she is (obviously) glistening with sweat and thrusting her unencumbered hips and stomach at the camera the whole time. In the few shots she isn’t in front of the camera, she is shot either in silhouette or in shadow, thrusting away, somehow still glistening despite you not even seeing her. Really, its a wonderful video.
She just rubs her tits and grabs guy’s crotches through the whole video, with interstitials of her crawling on the ground in a flesh-colored bedazzled leotard with a thong! Be still my heart.
Britney Spears, my penis salutes you for your perseverance for giving me erections for about ten years of my life throughout thinly veiled music videos. You are the Cal Ripken of prepubescent boners, and we thank you.

Song of the Day (3/17/2018)

Today’s song of the day is Night’s On Fire by David Nail. Country song but pretty mainstream and solid.

So. Stormy Daniels. Turning out to be a real headache for Donald Trump of the East and his team of winged monkeys. There’s a real threat that she’s going to come out and actually admit that she had sexual relations with Trump. That said, if Hillary were elected, we would’ve been similarly dismayed had Slick Willy come out and actually admit that he has had sexual relations with Hillary.

This Stormy business will all blow over in time. Knowing that Trump was there first, how many more guys can be willing to tongue punch her fart box? Much like the Apple iWatch, she’ll eventually be forgotten as the channels dry up and she finds herself sliding around too few fists.

Which brings me to my next point – Happy (belated) International Women’s Day (two Thursdays ago)! There’s a new female in my office who began earlier that week and we hired her as we’re absolutely swamped with projects and client mandates. While us guys were at the office until 1am that Thursday for an upcoming presentation, she chose to leave and head home slightly before 7pm, no shit. Coincidentally enough, that’s exactly 77% of the day! A HORSE, A HORSE, MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!!! Find me the female analyst who stays late into the evening, toiling away on the keyboard to perfect that presentation. Find me the female analyst who foregoes personal relationships and hobbies to put the client above all else. Which female analyst will take this message and deliver it to Garcia?

Well, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and I’m off to buy some Irish Cod filets to tenderize and slow-cook. In turns out, much like Aziz Ansari, I like home cooking oysters and mussels in my own kitchen, only he ultimately found a clam he couldn’t crack.

Well I’m off to take a shit before running to the seafood market. I had an appointment so I need someone to tell them I’m running behind, but not that I have a runny behind!

-DD