Guest Post by Arch Stanton: Music Videos That Propelled Me Through Puberty

Today is a guest posting from our very own Arch Stanton, who can sometimes prove hard to find.  A preliminary note from Arch to kick off his posting: Really just an excuse to talk about my dick, I used WordPad so it could probably use a spell check.
A recent vacation featured a discussion of great music videos from the days of TRL, and since that’s a terribly bland conversation to have, it progressed to songs that tickled us as little boys in such a way that turned us into young men. The following is a list of music videos I was horribly embarrassed to watch around my mother, but looooooooooved to download on Limewire for later repeated viewings.
The first time I saw this, I distinctly remember viewing the opposite sex in a dramatically different light. Willa Ford may have fallen to the wayside of music history, but my penis will never forget her. For those of you unfamiliar with this cinematic masterpiece, the video features Willa in various locations and suggestive outfits seducing a DJ, valet, and police officers into neglecting their duties with a kiss on the cheek. Looking back on it now, this seems like a fair trade for a DJ to play a song, but we should expect more from our public servants.
At about :40 seconds in, Willa Ford has a minimally choreographed dance scene in an orange romper that remain sexier than any lap dance. At about 2:19, Willa has upgraded (or downgraded, based on your perspective) to a leather two-piece that could solve at least a dozen ongoing international crises. There are some cutaways during this dance sequence to a guy mouthing, “wow”, and I always found this wildly underwhelming as I looked like a dog seeing a beautiful woman in a 1970s cartoon, jaw on the floor with his tongue hanging out and eyes bulging out of his head. The video ends with a disclaimer – “No men were injured in the making of this video.” Many were injured watching it. FUN FACT: Willa Ford later went on to be in Playboy six years after this video. I am glad I only just learned of this, otherwise I would be dead at the age of 12 of priapism.
Unrelated, but Royce Da 5’9″ is featured on this track. Royce is the first person to brag about being 5’9″, but he also gained popularity after working closely with Eminem, in case you were interested in the six degrees of separation between Eminem and Willa Ford.
This video starts with remarkable corny CGI, even by 2001 standards, as Kylie begins by singing, “I just can’t get you out of my head / boy your love is all I think about” as she shifts gears in a definitely-not-sexually-suggestive way. About 1:27, Kylie starts dancing? hip thrusting? in what could be described as a tracksuit/dress featuring cleavage and belly button. Background dancers show up looking like they time traveled from being extras on the set of the Handmaid’s Tale.
Watching this video again now, Kylie Minogue looks like the type of women who would be terribly mean to me. I am into it, and that sure does say a lot about me. Another fun little tidbit I just learned watching this again, she has her ELEVENTH album coming out. This is more than enough proof the music industry deserves to collapse.
I bet you thought this was going to be all white women, didn’t you! Well, I have very diverse tastes, featuring one Hispanic woman with very white features, so jokes on you. Building on how Kylie looks like she’d be mean, Jennifer Lopez DEFINITELY would be mean to you. This video is basically scenes of Jennifer rolling around in the sand in a white cami and bikini briefs intercut with her singing and driving in her Jaguar to this beach and disrobing to said-outfit to roll in the sand. There are frequent cuts of her “adjusting” her bottoms that turned me into an absolute puddle.
All in all, the video is pretty cheesy (NOTE: this applies to every music video ever), but the parts of her rolling around and dancing in the sand are, to borrow a term from Benjamin Franklin, proof that God loves us. The video ends with Jennifer taking her top off and throwing it at the camera while walking into the ocean. I am dead. “Arch Stanton, 3 February 1862, died because he saw Jennifer Lopez topless from behind at 13.” I’ve never been jealous of A-Rod for anything ever despite his fame and fortune and fantastic career, but he is dating Jennifer Lopez, and for that, a hat tip.
Whereas most of these songs skullfuck you with midriffs and exposed ass cheeks, polluting a young boy’s mind, this video goes for a more innocent, “girl-next-door” approach. Literally, the video starts by panning through a neighborhood to the house next door and up to the second story window (pervy!) where Mandy Moore starts singing and dancing. What proceeds is a time capsule of the late-90s/early-00s, with spiky hair, bell bottoms, a VW Beetle, over-the-ear headphones, cargo pants, skateboarding in an empty pool, and various pairs of Sketchers.
This is the least sexy video here, but makes it because of my wildly-uncontainable 12-year old crush on Mandy. A boner of the heart, if you will. Unrelated, but Mandy Moore has REALLY long arms. I bet she could throw down a mean windmill dunk if so inclined. She also moves her mouth way more than is required, so maybe this video is more subconsciously sexual than it seems.
Oh man. This video. Christina has a lip piercing, a nose piercing, grimey-looking braids and makeup that looks like she should be auditioning for a bit role in Barnum & Bailey’s Circus, all of which grossed me out 2002, and continues to be unflattering today. COUNTERPOINT: low-cut leather pants/chaps with an orange bikini underneath and a red and white bikini top and lyrics and dance moves that called out to my hormones. A recurring thread for the observant is exposed hips/midriffs and flattering shots of ass cheeks. This video is almost exclusive those two things. This is the polar opposite of the Mandy Moore video, with scenes of grinding in showers and mud wrestling and a short skirt that serves as merely a formality.
Redman is featured on this song! Redman is the rapper who is definitely having more fun being a rapper than any other rapper. His songs were always upbeat and lively, and he definitely took this gig solely to show up in the video and grind and get real heavy with Christina. There is a 60% chance they banged during the making of this video. Redman is the best. (When I started this, I didn’t expect to divulge into my appreciation for Redman, but such is life.)
This is the most obvious video on the list. If you have the faintest idea of JAY-Z, or the concept of pimping, or this video, or rap in the 90s and early 00s, then you get it. So instead of creatively saying “butts” and “boobies” for two hundred words, I want to talk about how JAY-Z wrote this song after being charged with attempted murder after (allegedly) stabbing a record exec he believed had been leaking his albums. I say allegedly because he originally pleaded not guilty, and then pleaded guilty to three years probation which kinda seems like fair trade considering he really wanted to stab a guy. So anyway, Jay made this song because he was looking at not-insignificant prison sentence and wanted to “live it up”, so to say.
Pimp C, one half of the Houston rap duo UGK, wore a full-length fur coat to the shooting of this video on a yacht and at poolsides. When asked why he was wearing said full-length fur coat in such hot weather, he responded, “TV ain’t got no temperature.” Pimp C was a legend.
Another very self-evident inclusion, although any Britney Spears video could be here. Her whole shtick was making men of all ages get tingles in their slacks, as evidence by an array of music videos featuring shocking or revealing outfits. If she really wanted to shock me, she’d shoot a video wearing a parka. ANYWAY, Britney dances in a post-apocalyptic building during a heatwave, so she is (obviously) glistening with sweat and thrusting her unencumbered hips and stomach at the camera the whole time. In the few shots she isn’t in front of the camera, she is shot either in silhouette or in shadow, thrusting away, somehow still glistening despite you not even seeing her. Really, its a wonderful video.
She just rubs her tits and grabs guy’s crotches through the whole video, with interstitials of her crawling on the ground in a flesh-colored bedazzled leotard with a thong! Be still my heart.
Britney Spears, my penis salutes you for your perseverance for giving me erections for about ten years of my life throughout thinly veiled music videos. You are the Cal Ripken of prepubescent boners, and we thank you.
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