Guest Posting by Arch Stanton: Stormy Daniels: An Investigation

As you are well aware, el Presidente’s latest scandal involves his putting his Cheeto-dusted penis where it doesn’t belong ala Bill Clinton, our substitute-teacher President. Like you, I have taken violent steps to avoid hearing about a man in his sixties being paddled by a washed-up pornstar with a magazine with his face on the cover while talking about how much his mistress reminds him of his daughter, but, if you couldn’t tell, I know far more than I ever wanted to know. In light of these traumatic details, what do we really know about the woman who has POTUS trembling in his children’s sized-8.5 velcro-Sketchers? Did you know she ran for the Senate in 2010 as a Republican, and her manager’s car was blown up during the campaign, possibly due to allegations from her camp that the sitting Senator had embezzled funds for a lesbian/bondage/prostitution/nightclub? More important than that sure-to-be-INSANE-story, what has Stormy Daniels’ more notorious career looked like, and what specific videos do you think Donnie has seen? This calls for an INVESTIGATION!

(So the idea came up, and it turns out Stormy has been in at least 151 movies, with 78 director/writing credits and 31 credits as herself, so let’s just look at movies for which she was nominated or won — there are still 42 of those, but a bunch are more body-of-work (pun intended) related than single performances so it’ll move faster than this introductory paragraph).

“Beautiful” (2004) – Could easily be confused for some French arthouse flick with such a bland name. How are you even suppose to know what kind of plowin’ to expect with a title like that? Trump skipped this, and I don’t blame him.

“Not A Romance” (2004) – Better, but still not telling us much. Sounds kinda like one of those corny parody movies from the early 2000s like “Not Another Teen Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”. Ugh, a porn parody of a parody film. Trump probably skipped over this one due to the “Inception”-level of layering involved to understand the premise, which would be fucking.

“Eternity” (2005) – Donnie definitely checked this one out due to the volume of awards it won. Best couples sex scene (with Randy Spears), best all-girl sex scene (with Jessica Drake) and best actress. Stormy went Meryll Streep on “Eternity” and really committed here. Knowing Trump’s proclivity for the best and most endorsed and most respected items, we could bet Donald Jr (not him, the other one) is familar with “Eternity”.

“Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre” (2005) – What the fuck is this? Pornography and power tools is a terrible combination (NOTE – not really!), but what is the audience for pornos and massacres? This warrants immediate inclusion on a half-dozen watch lists, right? “The girls are nice, and the penetration is great, but what it’s really missing is some dismemberment!” I guess Rule 34 continues to be validated.

“3 Wishes” (2006) – I am imagining a genie theme here, but it’s with the wishes of a thirteen year old so all the wishes involve getting laid. I get the idea that it would make for a terrible porno if the wishes were logical (“I wish for job stability! I wish for a loving wife and kids!”) but the premise already annoys me. If you’re going to wish to fuck a pornstar, at least pick an attractive one without weirdly bolted-on boobs. Trump would love this because he used his last wish on being President, and the monkey paw is starting to fold in its last finger.

“Taken” (2006) – Believe it or not, this movie came out two years before the infamous Liam Neeson vehicle, but I am choosing to live in the world where Stormy Daniels starred in Taken. “..but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career — now, take off those jeans!” Stormy Daniels bangs her way across Eastern Europe trying to rescue her kidnapped kid, and ultimately ends up living a gilded life on a weapon-trader’s yacht. I don’t remember much else about Liam Neeson’s “Taken”. Trump probably watched this.

“Operation: Desert Stormy” (2007) – Trump has yet to show much of an interest in the Middle East, so it’s unlikely he’s seen this, but I can confidently say George Bush has.

“Black Widow” (2007) – Another one where the title doesn’t tell us much. I’m picturing one of those adult films that tries to feature a complex thriller plot with a twist at the end that only the director could explain if you ply him with enough painkillers. It must be frustrating to have gone to college to direct and to end up zooming in on penetration, only to be phased out of that by horny frat dudes with handheld cameras. Like Picasso being reduced to selling Garfield prints in Central Park. J/K Jim Davis is the true star, and will one day receive his rightful place on Mount Rushmore after we chisel off that bum Lincoln.

“Heat” (2008) – Randy Spears makes his second appearance! I looked up Randy Spears because I have to know what a man with that alias looks like, and he looks like Jean Claude van Damme if he went into porn so, Jean Claude van Damme. “Heat” definitely sounds like a porno that was trying too hard. I say moderate chance the Donald saw this.

“The Wicked” (2009) – Vaguely erotic, probably a late night Showtime thing where it’s a lot of boobs but no other nudity or good stuff. Can you imagine Trump sitting in one of his hotel rooms with his pud in his hand waiting for THE GOOD STUFF only for the sheets to be pulled up or long shadows to be cast over the action? Trump’s seen “the Wicked”, and he hated the shit out of it.

“Whatever It Takes” (2010) – Wasn’t this a Spike Lee movie? Anyway, Stormy was nominated as the director for this one, so we probably don’t see her yams or vulva, so Donnie skipped this one too.

“Partly Stormy” (2010) – Oh yeah, here we go with the punny names! This is a great deal after Trump and Stormy had their alleged affair (2006), and while Stormy was undergoing her Senator campaign. Let’s pause for a moment as we place our right hand over our hearts and listen to “God Bless America” as we marinate in that last sentence. Middle of the road on likelihood he watched this one.

“Heart Strings” (2011) – Heart strings aren’t in the vagina (are they not? Mike Pence is a bit hazy on the subject), and it was another director nomination, so Trump skipped this too.

“Switch” (2013) – Best screenplay AND best director noms! I didn’t know either of these were a thing you could be nominated for in the adult film industry, but here we are, learning! I bet these awards on the ones they pass out before everyone gets to their seats and, ya know, passes out. No way he saw this.

I figured the names would be more, uhhh, “porn-y”, if that makes sense, and less mid-90s-thrillers. So what do we takeaway here? Nothing, really. Trump probably knows what Randy Spears’ dick looks like? The takeaway for me is “research before you just start writing some inane bullshit” and “Stormy Daniels isn’t very attractive for a pornstar”, and for you, the reader, a re-evaluation of your life choices that lead you to thinking about the President’s masturbatory habits for fifteen minutes.

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