Arch Stanton Guest Posting: Most Incomprehensible Features by Rappers on Pop Songs

Following our last post that somehow featured two astonishingly bizarre feature tracks by respected hip hop artists on tracks to be featured on songs with music videos for middle school boys to masturbate to on TRL, I remain hinged on this odd subtopic of modern music. Which coked-out music producer thought these combinations were what was really necessary to put these albums over the top? I am to believe that someone thought this Christina Aguilera album was destined to failure unless Wu Tang Clan affiliate Redman made a PG guest verse about how rowdy he is? The 80’s are remembered as a time of excess (Reagan be praised!), but the 00’s brought us Virginia Beach drug-dealing-banger duo Clipse on a fresh-off *NSYNC Justin Timberlake single. Let’s begin our voyage there:
Ah yes! Back when Justin Timberlake was trying to act like a normal human being, who hangs out in front of a 7-11 popping and locking with his multi-ethnic group of friends. When do you think Justin Timberlake was last in a 7-11? Remember – he was originally from Memphis, and moved to Orlando to form *NSYNC. I don’t doubt that this was a thing he did, but dude’s been famous since like 1996; AT LEAST twenty years.
But this post isn’t about pop stars and their shopping destinations for slurpies and roller-cooked hotdogs. Pusha T and No Malice, the members of Clipse, who you may remember from 2002 hit “Grindin'” about drug dealing in a refreshingly unglorified way compared to the preceding 90’s, show up on this Justin single to lend credence to the notion he was definitely the coolest member of *NSYNC (as if there was any real doubt – was anyone thinking Chris Kirkpatrick was anything but a nerd in over his head?) In what is certain to be a recurring trend, the members of Clipse fart out some half-assed lines, just enough to make sure that check clears – Pusha rhymes “glow” with… “glow. No Malice mercifully ends this experiment with eight lines concluding with, “the name Malicious and I burn every track / Clipse and J Timberlake – now how heavy is that?” Dude, that is the least heavy shit ever. Pusha had to feature on like a dozen Kanye tracks to redeem Clipse’s integrity. To be fair, this song bangs, because anything with Pharrell-produced tracks is going to be good.
In the seasonal effort of Katy Perry to appropriate every culture from the world and history, this video features white people as Egyptian pharaohs, but with, like, neon and shit? I’m sure there’s an interview that I’m definitely not going to look up or read where she claims this is her voicing her support for the Egyptian people during the Arab Spring uprising against Hosni Mubarack; just assume this is truth, don’t doubt it, it’s real because I am typing it and it’s on the internet, and that’s enough for your mom, so it should be good enough for you.
Juicy J was a member of Oscar-winning Three 6 Mafia from Memphis (this is absolutely true – Katy Perry can’t even win a Grammy but Three 6 is out here winning in different fields. Never fuck with Memphis.) Juicy J is also notorious for screaming about spending $30K at a strip club and how everyone should SHUT THE FUCK UUUUUUUUP at the end of “Same Old Song” by the Weeknd. Juicy J can rap like a monster, but should not be your go-to when looking to capitalize on liquid assets.
Looking ahead to the coming songs, this has got to be the best song and verse here. One line goes, “she can be my sleeping beauty, I’m gonna put her in a coma,” which is not very progressive in light of the #MeToo movement. I’m sure Katy Perry would have strong opinions about this if she had ever listened to this part of the song before. On that note…
If you remember, this is a video about a sexually-frustrated diabetic’s nightmare, with Katy Perry pantomiming fucking lollipops, cans of whip cream, gummy bears and anything that could be even remotely identified as phallic. Katy Perry has a target audience, and it is me. You can judge all you like, but I know what I’m about.
Snoop comes out with the most remarkably half-assed verse in the history of hip, with almost every line coming it at under five or six syllables. The most technically-proficient line is probably, “bikinis, zucchinis, martinis, no weenies” which starts kind of on topic for the song (titties being the theme, if you didn’t watch the video or remember Katy shooting whipped cream out of her boobs), and then goes to two completely unrelated subjects that are at least lyrical consonances. Looking back from today, where Snoop has his own show with fellow ex-con Martha Stewart, it’s hard to remember that he was massively respected artist who ran with Dr Dre and Tupac in their primes. But such is life for hip hop stars – you remain credible and are shot in your prime, or become white suburban moms’ favorite “hippity hoppity” star.
(I would trade places with Snoop IN A HEARTBEAT.)
This is, without a doubt, the most inexplicable pairing in music history. Seriously, find me two more unrelated artists, at their primes, who decided to get together, and put it in the comments. The only acceptable pairing I would even consider would be when Metallica wanted to piss their fans off (again) and release an album with Lou fucking Reed. I would read a 10,000 word longread on the oral history of how this came to pass; namely, how many commas were in the check he got for the nine lines in this song? Do you think Taylor Swift tried to give notes on his verse? Do you think Kendrick read them? Do you think they’ve ever met in person? I could go on.
This video has Lena Dunham in it; I apologize for subjecting you to that. The good news is Kendrick’s verse is right out of the gate so you don’t have to fuck around with the rest of this tragedy of a Avengers-but-for-famous-and-beautiful-white-girls video. All in all, either Kendrick Lamar actually tried, in which case, God bless him, or he didn’t at all, which makes the case for him being a savant because the lines aren’t bad but… it’s on a second-rate Taylor Swift song. Do you think he has all of Taylor Swift’s albums? Do you think they are Snapchat friends? Do you think he’s ever in Nashville and thinks, “I should call up my dear friend Taylor for dinner this evening!” Jk, Kendrick Lamar’s never been to Nashville.
Nope, I’m afraid I prematurely blew my wad and now find myself in a sticky situation, because what the actual fuck is Future doing on a track with Ed Sheeran. There’s no way he was notified everyone’s favorite-Olive-Garden-waiter-in-training was going to be on the same track. Like the last Taylor Swift song, our featured guest bangs his verse out early and pretty strong if we’re being real, but the real gem is the two of them “making eyes” at each other in a Lamborghini in what looks like 80’s Miami, which is preposterous. Although – Future did get with Ciara, so maybe we shouldn’t sleep on Future’s ability to bed beautiful superstarlets.
Anyway, I really just need to address this Ed Sheeran situation. It sounds like he’s trying to rap here. Excuse me – trying to “rap”. His lines are a bit quicker, he makes some rap hand waves through his verse, and really looks like he wants Future to like him. In all of the infinite and still expanding universes, there is still not a single one where Future likes Ed Sheeran. If you watch the video (I recommend it! It’s a pretty good song actually!), you can definitely tell Ed was on set with Taylor, and definitely worked up his best good guy impression to swing a date with Taylor, to which she laughed hysterically, and told everyone on set how funny Ed was, and he joined in the laughing to try and cover how hurt he was she thought he was kidding, and then he went home and sadly masturbated. True story.
No hate here, this song fucking bangs.
Every Fucking Track Ludacris Has Been on Since 2004
Ludacris needs to fire his agent. He has featured on FORTY-SEVEN TRACKS according to Wikipedia. This list includes the greatest track of all time (“Yeah” by Usher), some great tracks (“One Minute Man” by Missy Elliot, “Oh” by Ciara, “Sugar” by Trick Daddy, “Tonight” by Enrique Iglesias, “All I Do Is Win” by DJ Khaled, “Gonna Break Your Heart” by Taio Cruz), two dozen forgettable ones, some real tragedies (“Baby” by Justin Bieber, “How Do You Sleep” by Jesse McCartney, “Glamorous” by Fergie, “Holidae Inn” by Chingy) and, I swear to you this is true, but a track with future United States Senator Kid Rock next to R Kelly. Remember when being associated with an alleged kidnapper, cultist, pedophile and piss-enthusiast was enough to preclude you from partaking in politics? (NOTE – this has never been the case).
Dear Ludacris’ agent, learn to say no sometimes. I am sure Luda is doing just fine with his Fast and Furious residuals that he does not need to keep cribbing lines for whatever bland white kid middle America preteens are currently swooning over. “Word of Mouf” was great though.
Goddamn, ODB was the best. Remember that time he was being filmed by MTV cameras lamenting how hard it was to feed his family as he was zonked out in a limo taking him to cash out his food stamps? We never deserved him in the first place. RIP Dirt McGirt, aka Ason Unique, aka Knifey McStab, aka Big Baby Jesus, aka Little Billy Clinton.
Anyway, ODB is in typically ODB fashion here – wildly animated, flailing his arms, jumping up way too close to the camera and grinning with his grill showing more lens flares than a JJ Abrams’ move poster. His first verse(??) is him introducing the song, asking if various locales are in the house, including, ahem, Sacramento. (Sacramendie?) His verse is, predictably, all over the place, talking about how all the “brothers should hit it from the back and front” and then goes into what has to be the most unforeseen reference to Donny and Maria Osmond of all time. ODB CONTAINS MULTITUDES. I am fighting the urge to turn this into a celebration of ODB right now. Perhaps another time.
A deep cut from way behind the arc! I had almost forgot about this, but ya boy never forgets a good song. The song is pretty ordinary Michael Jackson fare – some “yeeehees”, “sha-mon-aa”, pinched testicles and universal lyrics that apply to every person to have ever lived. Michael knew what he was about NOT diddling kids get your mind out of the gutter we are professionals (NOTE – I am not) and this is a serious piece of investigative work (NOTE – it is not). Biggie’s verse is remarkably dark for a pop song; it’s almost like a guy who named his albums “Ready to Die” and “Life After Death” with songs like “Suicidal Tendencies”, “My Downfall” and “Everyday Struggle” may have been going through shit emotionally. If we want to try our damnedest to find a silver lining here, at least he didn’t suffer much longer…?
I feel pretty bad about that.
This track is the first to work in an n-bomb; apparently rappers are wont to avoid the word in half-assed verses on corny pop songs by goofy white people. Biggie goes on about feeling alone, and how he would feel alone even if he wasn’t rich and famous, along with serious paranoid tendencies about trusting people. You have to imagine Michael angrily moonwalked out of the studio and onto the Ferris wheel in his backyard over a guest artist taking his bubbly pop song and adding real life shit to it. Biggie was real as hell before being real as hell was a thing in hip hop, and we salute him for somehow making a Michael Jackson song a bummer.
Who the fuck is Estelle? Kanye obviously felt the same way, because he has a short verse in the intro of the song, and then bombs out a peak-Kanye verse a dozen lines longer than the next longest listed here. The main artist here shambles around a bit in between Ye appearances, and during the second, Kanye proceeds to move from behind her, to next to her, to in front of her, to basically boxing her out of her own music video, which – did you expect less from Kanye? You knew what you were signing up for when you asked Kanye to pop in on your song. Anyway, this is a Kanye song now, just ignore it being here because no one ever heard of Estelle again but you recognize this song anyway.
Leave any good or unusual postings in the comments so I can tell you why they suck and how it reflects poorly on you as a human being.
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