Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 10 in Today I Learned: Capture of Guam

History is littered with an array of battles and wars that seem impossibly stupid – the Pig War between the United States and the United Kingdom, the Australian Emu War, the War of Jenkin’s Ear between Britain and Spain, the Fourth Crusade where Christian crusaders sacked their own cities, the Battle of New Orleans between the United States and British after the war had concluded, the Battle of Karansebes where the Austrian army attacked itself, the Battle of Castle Itter, an unnamed battle where the Austrian army ended up with more men then when they started, the Falklands War, and any battle the Italians ever fought. I could (and may still!) write about all of them, but for my money, the Battle/Capture of Guam stands alone as a particularly baffling moment in history that ultimately is the reason the United States still maintains the tiny territory of Guam despite being situated in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The year was 1898 and the United States was at war with the Spanish for truly hazy reasons that even Donald Rumsfeld would consider flimsy. If you aren’t familiar, American battleship USS Maine was sunk in the Havana, Cuba port, then under control of the Spanish during the Cuban revolution, which was very intriguing to American politicians at the time as a possible future imperial conquest. The Maine was sunk under questionable circumstances, and resulted in the chant “Remember the Maine!”, which is ironic because no one remembers Maine. American politicians used this opportunity to push for war with Spain, because it’d been a minute and America was hankering for some casual warfare, still decades prior to the rise of the military industrial complex.
Despite being a war essentially about the liberation of Cuba/acquisition of Cuba by America, most of the clashes occurred in the Philippines, because why would forces battle in the territory they were actually squabbling over? While sparring in the Philippine islands, the US Navy sent the USS Charleston to lay siege to the island of Guam, a tiny little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean under Spanish rule since 1668, obviously of critical military importance (note – there was probably some military importance, but as we’ll see, no one really recognized it). Captain Henry Glass prepared his ship for battle, expecting over a thousand combatants dug in for defense and familiar with the terrain only to show up and see a Japanese trading ship and no Spanish ships; records note the sailors were “disappointed” in the lack of ships to engage. Guys in the 19th century were far ballsier than I am.
Residents of the island showed up on the ports and beaches to see the ship, because there was no internet and they live in goddamn Guam so what else are they going to do besides look at a ship. The USS Charleston, in order to make it’s intentions known, fired upon a Spanish fortress, resulting in no damage. The residents figured the ship was saluting them and, seeing as how they had absolutely no artillery, scrambled to find something to blow up in return (note – you are free, nah, ENCOURAGED to blow things up whenever I arrive somewhere). During this time, the biggest merchant, a local surgeon and the port captain boarded a ship to welcome the US to their shores, only to find out they were under attack, and now prisoners of war after accidentally sharing the tiny bit of knowledge slip that they had no defenses at all. In fact, Guam had no idea Spain was at war with anyone, let alone the US. Who knew being a seagull shit splattered rock in the middle of the ocean was prohibitive to keeping abreast of international affairs in 1898?
If this couldn’t be a stupider affair, the boat supplied by the merchant to parlay? Owned by Francisco Portusach, an American, and flying the American flag on his way to the USS Charleston. Upon a skeptical discussion with the crew ultimately resolved once a reporter on the Charleston recognized Portusach, the American was released to bring Guam’s governor aboard for surrender. After returning ashore, a letter for Portusach was waiting from the governor saying. “If you give any assistance to the American men of war, you will be executed tomorrow morning on the beach”, to which Portusach allegedly giggled.
The next morning, Portusach was NOT executed, but instead, installed as the new, AMERICAN governor of Guam after the Spanish governor surrendered once Captain Glass realized there was no one else around who could be installed on behalf of the Americans to maintain the island. The USS Charleston hung out in Guam for roughly a day and a half, curious as what the next step for the island was as they expected to do more than wait patiently for the governor to surrender. They sought to dismantle the fortress they had originally fired upon, only to realize it was so far into disrepair it wasn’t worth the hassle. The Americans, dejected with victory, left Portusach in charge of the island and returned to the Philippines for some actual killin’.
And that’s how Guam became a US territory. During a war in which none of the residents were aware of, the Americans fired upon (and missed) a Spanish fortress which the citizens cheered as though they were watching fireworks, accidentally surrendering upon revealing there were no defenses anywhere on the island, and left an American expatriate merchant in charge after realizing they had no one else around. Fun Fact! Portusach was quickly overthrown by a Filipino Spaniard, who was quickly overthrown by the native population, resulting in the Americans being forced to return in order to restore their rule. It’s only suitable the stupidest American territory became such by the stupidest means possible.
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Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 9 in Today I Learned – the Finland Conspiracy

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Do you ever get tired of the same old conspiracy theories? I think people just got tired of trying to convince normal people we never landed on the moon or that 9/11 was an inside job, and that’s how we ended up with a new brand of asshole who thinks the earth is flat. Personally, I’m onto newer and edgier things like the Sun is actually cold (I swear this is real, you can look it up) and, a personal favorite, Finland does not exist.
Before we get into the details/I blow your mind – name one thing you know about Finland. I have nothing. I know it’s somewhere in Scandinavia near Sweden and Norway, but I have no idea which is which, and I think I once read something about how they were trying a universal basic income that was failing dramatically. The point is – you don’t know SHIT about Finland. Don’t be embarrassed, because it doesn’t actually exist. Not in the sense that there isn’t a Finnish government, but more in the sense the land we identify as Finland is open ocean.
This FACT was first brought to us from the most reputable of sources, Reddit, from a delightful thread about the weirdest things your parents taught you as a kid (truly worth a read: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2qjohv/what_did_your_parents_show_you_to_do_that_you/cn6pn30/). A poster unspooled a thread about how his parents casually broke the news to him about how Finland was concocted by the Russians and Japanese during the Cold War. Unrelated to the theory, but I would LOVE to meet this guy’s parents. The theory goes that the growth of environmentalism and preserving the earth and all that hippie bullshit pushed the USSR and Japan into adding onto their already numerous secret alliances dealing with fishing rights among other economic concerns dating back to 1925. Consider: Japan and USSR had almost no direct conflicts during WWII despite being so geographically close, Japan signed a peace treaty with the USSR just months prior to Germany declaring war on the USSR, and how great their relations were despite stark ideological differences in the Cold War. During the final days of the USSR, Gorbachev made frequent trips to Japan and remarked how their relations continued to improve despite their rapidly declining standing with the rest of the world. (“Twilight Zone” theme song plays).
These two countries had always looked out for each other because they were fishing the region of the ocean between Sweden and Russia. The theory posits the Japanese were free to ignore all fishing limits or regulations in this area because, ya know, no one knew it existed, and the Russians benefited from receiving a part of the fish while the Japanese returned the rest to their homeland because obviously Japan is starved of fish given its geographical location in the middle of the ocean. In fact, the Trans-Siberian railway was built in order to expedite the transport of fish across Russia and back to Japan. Wouldn’t other nations notice thousands of trains full of fish going back and forth across Russia? One step ahead of you – the company Nokia – yes, the phones you had in high school – is actually a faux Finnish company that ships all of its products to Japan in order to cover their tracks.
This is all patently insane right? But don’t worry, we have answers to your concerns. Helsinki is a massively and internationally respected city, but it is merely located in eastern Sweden. What about all the Finnish people and” culture”, whatever that may entail? They exist and are real, but they are really just a cluster of small towns and enclaves along the eastern Swedish border, the western edges of Russia or northern Estonia. But c’mon, if you fly there you would certainly notice ocean where land should be? BUT WOULD YOU? YOU WOULDN’T NOTICE BECAUSE IT’S ALL THE SAME AND FINLAND IS BASICALLY FOREST SO WHO COULD EVER REFUTE THIS? GPS and satellite imaging, all faked, duh. Pilots and astronauts are all in on it as well. Let’s go even further and examine the name “Finland” – since this is a libertarian fisher’s dream, the “fin” is for fish fin, get it?  This conspiracy has been so deeply rooted it has been propagated by children’s movies like “D2: the Mighty Ducks”. Guys, the Finnish Flash was really just the Swedish Flash.
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Unlike every other conspiracy you read on the internet, this one has the most plausible reasoning (note – “most plausible” does not equal “actually” plausible). OF COURSE other nations have noticed this glaring omission of terra firma, but they originally held this in their back pocket as a bargaining chip. What you would bargain for with this information, I have no guesses, but eventually other countries used the concept of Finland as something to aspire to. You see, Finland consistently rates highly in education, healthcare, gender equality, literacy rates, stability, least corruption, individual freedoms, etc, and this can ONLY be because other countries want to inspire their own people to improve. I don’t think Finland’s literacy rate has inspired me to be a better citizen, but that must mean the conspiracy has rooted itself deeply in my subconscious. To quote directly from the Reddit page “No country in the world can possibly be that good.” Well, when you put it like that, that’s just irrefutable. Finland is the country equivalent of the girl you made out with at a party with last weekend who was a model, but she went to a different high school and you wouldn’t know her guys, definitely don’t look her up online. Finland is actually an ocean, because that is more believable than a small population has wholeheartedly bought into free market capitalism with high social safety nets.
I swear this is a real conspiracy with actual constituents. There are people who legitimately believe Finland was faked by the Soviets and Japanese, and the rest of the world went along with it because, fuck it, why not? The Nokia phone you had in high school was actually made of fish. The good news is the subreddit also operates as a support group for Finnish people going through the trauma of realizing their entire existence is a Soviet lie. Here we should consider Poe’s Law, which states “it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the parodied views.” This is a real theory that has been parroted on multiple sites, and I have no idea if it is something people sincerely believe in, but I know I will tell the next (or the first) Finnish person I meet to suck my dick because their existence is a lie.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 8 in Today I Learned – Phantom Time Hypothesis

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Do you ever get pangs of regret? After many posts here, I sure do, be it embarrassing anecdotes that could have gone without being shared or the gratuitous typos or grammatical errors. Just come to embrace the fact I will never do anything to fix the latter and will ignorantly continue to subject myself to the former. The good news about any regret you feel, whether it be dating someone for too long, your choice of school or career, a costly purchase that has altered your financial well-being, or maybe just your choice of attire from high school, is it hasn’t happened yet as it is actually the year 1721.
That’s not technically true. You will be forever burdened by your shame, it will be the albatross around your conscious that keeps you awake a night staring at the spot on the ceiling above your bed wondering, “how could I have not knocked before walking in on my coworker in the bathroom.” But it is 1721, according to the phantom time hypothesis. In 1991, historian Heribert Illig proposed a bulk of the Middle Ages (specifically, 614 AD to 911 AD) never happened. This theory/conspiracy alleges that Pope Sylvester II and Holy Roman Emperor Otto III thought it would be way cooler to say they ruled their respective thrones during 1000 AD rather than whenever the hell in the mid 7th century. Consider the situation – these are two of the most powerful men in Europe, only like six people can read, so… they can pretty much say it’s whatever year they want because their cronies will back them regardless.
How the hell did this guy determine this? The theory presupposes that there is a significant lack of historical evidence (confirmed written documentation and archaeological remains confirmed by dating methods) from this time period, and a miscalculation during the conversion from the Gregorian calendar to the modern Julian calendar “conveniently” lopped off 297 years. But what about all the documentation we DO have from this time period? This theory leans on the proposition that Charlemagne, the biggest figure from this period, and his entire dynasty was completed fabricated merely because two dorks wanted to rule during the first millennium. This guy says Charlemagne was basically King Arthur, which seems like a big leap of faith.
This theory is widely disputed (which is the kindest way to say no one actually accepts this as true) with historians pointing to thousands of documents that were confirmed to exist during this period as well as historical cross referencing and record keeping from other parts of the world that confirm events during this period. The idea that because only like a dozen people across the globe could read because the rest were busy slapping mud together for their hovels or murdering each other over inconsequential differences in religion, someone could just add a few centuries to the year, because time is an artificial construct that has no true value, and everything we know is built upon a premise of poorly understood and loosely verified information. The year is a completely arbitrarily chosen number if you’re any religion other than a derivation of Christian and how did people refer to time period to Jesus being around?
“Hey Ibrahim, what year is it?”
“It’s 770 BC”
“What’s the ‘BC’ stand for?”
“Before Christ”
“Before who?”
“Fuck if I know. Let’s get back to murdering some religious minorities because it’s still Greek antiquity and that’s what we do now.”
Anyway, enjoy the notion everything you know is founded on nothing you can personally validate!

Song of the Day (6/25/2018)

Hey girl! I was ass-deep in my dryer this weekend, attempting to unfuck the heating element when Alone by Heart came on the speakers. I proceeding to listen to it three more times following that initial orgasm. It’s super catchy so be careful, broheims. Speaking of ass-deep, I have to share a visual shared with me by Mr. Arch Stanton. To quote his oft-majestic prose, my ass has gotten hairy. It’s like someone hid a toupee between two couch cushions. Which reminds me, I need to give my coworker his scissors back.

Many of you know I’m a fan of hot foods. You also know I’m a fan of and quadrennial voter for John Wayne. Without further ado:

Do you like Louisiana style hot sauce? Love the heavy-on-the-vinegar taste? Pick up a bottle of this stuff. Delicious, not at all hot, and goes well on everything other than eggs and breakfast food (better left to Chalula):

Like fire Cheetos? Hot and spicy empty carbs? Don’t let the following name scare you, it’s spicy but not as hot as you’d expect:

And finally, for my fellow Wayne Eastwood 2020 voters, I ordered the fuck out of this over the weekend:

And finally, are you a fan of porn? Do you have a favorite website name? Not site, not genre, not tube aggregator, but site name? Currently, I’m digging:

Without ever visiting the site, you know EXACTLY what you’re getting here. That’s effective, high impact marketing. Doesn’t get much more black and white than that. Speaking of inherently knowing something without explicit details:

I don’t know what language that is (I think it’s French), but I again feel like I know EXACTLY what he saying. It’s inspiring how you don’t need to speak the same language to connect and find love. And in Bill Cosby’s case, they don’t need to speak at all. That one may have gone a bit too far. A tough pill to swallow for you SJW types…but like Bill Cosby, I’ll still verbally dress you down. GOOOOT ‘EM!

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 7 of Today I Learned – Aleister Crowley

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Aleister Crowley is another one of these historical figures who’s brief biography always lists an array of bullshit before getting to the thing everyone knows them for. Mr Crowley was identified as a mountaineer, a poet, a theologian, a spy, a traitor to the British people, a sex addict, a drug experimenter, a magician and, FINALLY, an occultist. You may recognize him as, not really the ‘father’ of the metal genre, but more like the creepy distant uncle who you suspected brews meth in his trailer of the metal genre; Aleister Crowley would LOVE some meth while we’re on the subject.
Born in 1875, Crowley was famous for more or less the same reason Marilyn Manson is – being an edgy and outrageous contrarian propelled by deviant rumors despite lacking any real talent. (On a related note – consider how strange it is that, regardless of where in the country you went to high school, you almost certainly heard a rumor about how Marilyn Manson got one of his ribs removed so he could suck his own dick. HOW DID THIS BECOME A UNIVERSAL EXPERIENCE?) Once called “the Wickedest Man in the World” by British tabloids, Crowley was essentially a rock star before there was such a thing. He loooooooved doing tons of drugs and fucking anything that would let him, male or female.
He developed his own religion, the tenants of which I’m not going to really delve into because like Jay Cutler once said, “whooooooo caaaaaaares”, and there’s more interesting parts to get into. He developed the religion of “Thelema” which is basically a specific branch of Western esotericism which is basically just a grab bag of all the bits of pieces you like of various religions; he was the original West coast neo-hippie. The basic premise of this whole religion was “do what thou wilt.” Whoa hey I want to do boat loads of cocaine and have orgies with tons of prostitutes – how nuts is it that God spoke to me and told me this was cool?!? This is basically modern Satanism – most people think it’s about devoting yourself to the actual devil, but its basically hippies who wear too much black and hate their parents for sending them to private school. He basically embraced the bad publicity the press gave him for doing a ton of drugs and made a career out of it, giving himself delightfully malevolent nicknames like “the Great Beast 666”. Again, you and I roll our eyes at how cheesy this all is, but people between the World Wars were TERRIFIED. This was a time when people were still scared of Catholics, so imagine what they thought about a guy who said he was talking to Satan.
His life is pretty interesting in a nonsecular way – he was actually a well-respected mountaineer and hiked K2 and Kanchenjunga, traveled around the world, dabbled in the same circles as Roald Dahl and Ian Fleming (one source said Fleming based James Bond arch villain Blofield on Crowley), made yoga a thing before it was a thing, was considered a notorious spy, then wasn’t, and did TONS of drugs, like enough to make Keith Richards blush. No one cared about any of that shit then, and didn’t until he died. But somehow, Aleister Crowley became part of rock lore. Let’s look at his role in rock decades after his death:
– Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page lived basically the same life Crowley did – traveling, fucking, doing drugs, fucking some more, being a weirdo – and eventually bought Crowley’s Scottish castle (OF COURSE this asshole lived in a castle).
– The Beatles put his image on the album cover of “Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band”, and members of Wings remarked that Paul McCartney and then-wife Linda had more than a passing interest in Aleister Crowley’s iteration of the occult. While we’re here, you guys should really be listening to more Wings, because “Band on the Run” really is an incredible album.
– The Rolling Stones indicated Crowley and his faux-religion were a source of inspiration for songs “Goat’s Head Soup” and “Sympathy for the Devil” as well as the album “Her Majesty’s Satanic Request” where they mimicked hand gestures he had made famous in the liner notes. What a time when liner notes were essential to appreciating music.
– H.I.M. (or His Infernal Majesty), made famous after Bam Magera got their logo tattooed on his treasure trail, have tons of references to ‘666’ and the occult in their music but claim this is all coincidence since they are merely a Finnish gothic rock group, which totally doesn’t make them Satanists. Later, front man Ville Valo claimed to have read dozens of biographies on Crowley and his beliefs.
– Ozzy Osbourne had a song called “Mr Crowley”. He was less subtle in his appreciation.
– Iron Maiden released a whole album called “The Number of the Beast”. I never listened to the full album, but the title single bangs.
– David Bowie’s song “Quicksand” from the album “Hunky Dory” makes multiple references to Crowley and his pretend order of evil, the Golden Dawn (what a rad name for your cult. I’m so bummed I’m going to have to select something different once my cult-building takes off).
– Metal bands Ministry, Behemoth, Exhorder, Samael, Mercyful Fate, and Vital Remains all have songs that explicitly reference Crowley’s ideas. I’m sure there are dozens more since metal bands are not especially original and, really, how many famous Satanists can you write songs about?
– Obviously, Marilyn Manson, because he had to pay homage to the original edgy goober; his song “Misery Machine” opens with the lines “we’re gonna ride to the abbey of Thelema” and uses “do what I will” for the verse. He presumably wrote this song in between sessions of sucking his own dick.
– Taylor Momsen, originally Cindy Lou Who in the Jim Carey “How the Grinch Stolen Christmas” and Little J from “Gossip Girl”, but now famous for flashing her tits on stage as part of her metal gig, regularly wears shirts with Crowley’s face and dabbles in Satanic imagery. When I think edgy, I think supporting cast of Gossip Girl.
– Band 311 has a song called “Offbeat Bare Ass” where they repeat “do what thou will shall be the whole of the Law”, and the bassist has the same motto tattooed under the Egyptian god Horus, another of Crowley’s favorite bits of iconography.
We started with the Beatles and Led Zeppelin and made it all the way down to 311 – we truly traversed the expanses of modern music. In our time, this dork would have been the snarkiest dungeon master of the Scottish Dungeons and Dragons circuit, but instead he became something of a folk icon. Hide your children, because the Devil is everywhere, and he wants to take your kids hiking.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 2 of Today I Learned – Exotic Pet Amnesty Day

HEAR YE, HEAR YE: This is an old post from Arch Stanton that I forgot to post.  Slightly out of order.  And here, we, go:

Did you know Florida has an “Exotic Pet Amnesty Day” program? WELL YOU DO NOW, AND GUESS WHAT, WE’RE DIVING INTO IT.

So I recently learned Florida has the most Florida of programs, in which residents (and non-residents, looking at you GEORGIA) can, “find a new home for the exotic pet you can no longer care for”.  If you know anything about me, you immediately understand this is a topic worth of extensive digging and research.

The program was started in order to curb the release of top predators into the Florida wilds were they will inevitably topple local native species and, because this is Florida, OF COURSE you have some super weird pets capable of doing this! Golden retrievers? FUCK NO! Let’s get some tegu lizards, because this is America’s butthole and you gotta outdo your neighbor Linda May and her fuckin’ python that was the hit of the trailer park soiree last summer. LINDA MAY YOU BITCH! The program specifically targets exotic species, defined as “animals living outside captivity that did not historically occur in Florida” (one page noted an estimated 26% of all fish/reptile/bird/mammal species in Florida are non-native – again, WHAT THE FUCK is this state). The program also takes pains to specifically note you can surrender pets kept legally or illegally, because (again) this is Florida and everything everyone is doing might as well be presumed illegal until otherwise validated with two forms of identification and a permission slip from the appropriate governmental agency. Because this is America, and why-the-fuck-wouldn’t-you, every page makes note to ‘bring the whole family so they kids can see whatever your moron neighbors dumped here’! I am dead serious when I say, “KIDS ENCOURAGED” is part of the program. Make your own joke.

Many articles note that people surrendering their pets come in with mixed emotions, some excited to get rid of the animal they didn’t realize was nocturnal when they originally bought it or was destined to far outgrow the available space for such an animal. Florida holds these events throughout the year because (this is a theme) Florida, and where else could this possibly happen (besides uhh… Ohio, where 56 exotic animals escaped from a farm one time in Zanesville), but regularly sees citizens of other states show up to turn over whatever animal they attempted to defy God by attempting to domesticate. For instance, “Connor” (you’re not going to believe this, but EVERYONE chooses to withhold their names during the subsequent local news reports), came from ILLINOIS to dump his blue and gold macaws who, surprisingly to him, happened to be very loud creatures that his neighbors did not share his fondness for. If you can’t make it to one of the drop-offs, you can call (I swear this real) 1-888-IVE-GOT-1 instead of releasing your pet into the wild, like Duck Phillips did with Chauncey on “Mad Men” (OBVIOUSLY I AM NOT OVER THIS HOW COULD HE DO SUCH A THING).

The drop-off event is immediately followed by a pick-up event where other people show up to see what kinda of weird pets they can pick up to add to their collection. Again, this all Florida as shit. The pets are dropped off, no questions asked, and picked-up, nominal questions asked (it’s like a police auction, except you could be strangled by a python!). “Pets” that are not adopted tend to end up on “panhandleexotics.com” – your one-stop shop for online exotic enthusiasts (financing available!) One volunteer went on the record as saying (paraphrasing) ‘Miami is surprisingly the Mecca of exotic animals’, because this person doesn’t have internet access and has never seen “Scarface” or “Miami Vice”. Most articles include many pictures with everyone surrendering looking EXACTLY how you imagined they would – cargo shorts, handle-bar mustaches, Oakley sunglasses with tons of exposed tattoos due to the cut-off sleeves).

Before I begin to lose you – you already left? that’s understandable – let’s look at some numbers and species involved. The first year of the program (2006), there were six total surrendered animals – these were the only ones brave enough to test the  “no questions asked” thing – but the most recent figures (from 2015), 356 animals were surrendered for a total of 2,530 over the course of the whole program. Part of me wonders how many of these people have dropped off multiple pets — “yeah… I know I got this python previously, but I really thought this one would be different. Anyway, here’s another python.” Anyway – some specifically noted species, and some exciting facts:

– Sulcata tortoises (can grow up to 200 pounds and can live up to 150 years from Sahara. Can you imagine being the third-generation of some redneck taking care of his fucking turtle?)

– Ball pythons (originally from the Saraha, but considered “quasi-local” because – say it with me – Florida)

– Capuchin monkeys

– Kangaroos

– Peach-faced Lovebirds (I have no idea what this could possibly be)

– Silver fox

– Kinkajou (If you thought it required an enormous metal robot to fight in “Pacific Rim”, you are wrong — it’s more like a monkey fucked a raccoon in Thailand)

– Burmese pythons (Obviously, they prey on wildlife,  as well as cats, dogs, and sub par golfers trying find their balls in the rough)

– Nile monitor lizards

– Gambian-pouched rats

– Monk parakeets

– Baby camel (WHAT)

– Green iguanas (They don’t necessarily do a ton of ecological damage, but they fuck up peoples’ landscapes which, let’s be real, is a far greater crime)

– Black-spinytail iguanas

– African-spurred tortoise

– Nutria (A large rat from South America, because who wanted to sleep tonight anyway?)

– Cuban treefrogs

– Gopher tortoises

– Lionfish (With no natural predators and highly-spontaneous reproduction, people are encouraged to “Be the Predator!” and capture them with one site providing instructs on HOW TO FILLET AND COOK THEM)

– Sun conure (A parakeet)

– Caique (A parrot)

– Zebra (The zebra in question is supposedly responsible for biting off **part** of a man’s nipple in Oklahoma. This surely resulted in the weirdest Merle Haggard B-side)

– Boa constrictor

– Hedgehogs

– Crested geckos (Previously thought to be extinct!)

– Blue-winged Macaw (South American parrots)

– Mixed cats (An Asian leopard crossed with domestic cat with the intention of looking like a wild cat with the personality of a domestic cat, but likely ending up with a panther who shits on your pillow while absolutely annihilating your couch. You could have got a labradoodle, but noooo, you thought you were better than that)

– Sugar gliders (From Australia) (Disillusioned Dilettante: can we sell this name to Trojan Condoms?)

– African Grey Parrot

– Albino pythons

– Red-Eared Slider Turtle

– Corn snake

– Madagascar Giant Chameleon

– Macac

– Fennec Fox (North Africa)

– Ferrets (New Zealand)

– Coatimundi (South American raccoon)

So if you need a pet, remember to call 1-888-IVE-GOT-1, or as I like to think of it, the same number I call whenever I get laid solely for the purpose of humble bragging.

Disillusioned Dilettante Addition: The following is a real list of the funniest bird names to say out loud:

– Dickcissel

– Bushtit

– Great Tit

– Masked Booby

– Himalayan Snowcock (my favorite)

– Titmouse

– Hoary Puffleg

– Woodcock

– Common Shag

– Red-billed Oxpecker

Th-Th-The, Th-Th-The, Th-Th… That’s all, folks!

The Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon and Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari

Catching yourself ogling other mens’ larger-than-life pieces?  Wishing you were holding their faces in your loving embrace?  Then you’ll appreciate these two gorgeous watches from our Swiss friends in…Switzerland!  But first, what do you call a grandfather clock?  An old timer.  Why did the scientist drop the watch into his flask?  He was looking for a timely solution.  What do you call a story that one clock tells the other?  Second hand information.  BONUS:  Did you hear the one about the guy who founded Lifesavers?  He made a mint!

You all seemed to like the Arch Stanton posting about controversial opinions.  MANY positive responses to that post – let me bring you all back down to Earth with some boring caboose poop:

The Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon is EPIC and goes for ~$1.2 – $1.4 million.  No doubt on the higher end, but likely to appreciate in value.  Not much additional value to add here beyond the beauty of the thing.  The Sky Moon Tourbillon photos:

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The next beauty is the Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari.  This thing was designed in partnership with Ferrari as the Italian car company designed and released its LaFerrari model in 2013.  The watch was designed to look and feel like the car and does look pretty stellar.  Side note, the car sorta sucks compared to the Ferrari 458 but they can’t all be winners (Ferrari: please don’t send your corporate myrmidons after me!).  The watch can be yours for roughly $300,000…or 50,000 acres in deeply indebted, socialist Italy.  Keep up the good economic work!  Photos for your perusal:

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What dog always knows the time?  A watch dog.