Arch Stanton Guest Post: Swords, Ranked

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Straightforward – which swords should you purchase at the mall for you collection when you aren’t boycotting Star Wars or investigating journalistic ethics in video games? I know, I know – you know all about swords, you have an awesome collection already, and the girl looking at the manga section of the comic store you go to said she was totally impressed already. But if you’re trying to add to that collection before she visits – she’s totally going to come over to check it out, even though she didn’t give you a time… or a date… or her number when you asked for it. But hey, lots of people don’t use phones in 2018. Anyway, starting with the worst:
22. Epee/Foil: That shit those pussies use in the Olympics, where they just stick each other without gashing each other open. If we’re collecting swords, they are to be used for slaughtering those who dare defy you, and spilling their blood on the floor so their comrades know what is destined to befall. No fucking way.
21. Halberd: That shit those dorks in the Swiss Guard use. Long with some little pointy bullshit on the end held by guys who protect the Pope while looking like they dressed themselves with an old circus tent they found in the woods. They’re basically fancy pikemen, and you, sir, are a brilliant leader and not some peasant holding the line for the knights to swoop in and gather all the glory. Nope.
20. Short sword/Gladius: What, do you want everyone to think you have a small dick? You definitely don’t, you have a huge hog, and chicks love it. Big swords only.
19. Battle Axe: Battle axes are for the UNCULTURED who lack discipline and agility. You are serious about your swordwork, and not some boorish savage. Even if battle axes are sometimes cool, they are not suitable for a collection.
18. Switchblade: Is this the fucking “West Side Story”? No.
17. Mace: A short handle with a spiked-ball or similarly violent end. Again – used by brutes who lack your technical flair and rely on strength alone. You prefer a healthy blend of finesse coupled with your raw power. Scores points for its visual panache, but isn’t **technically** a sword.
16. Butcher knife: Are you a plebeian who’s trying to become a Victorian serial killer? No butcher knife, despite it’s pragmatic uses for cutting up your Red Barron frozen pizzas.
15. Machete: A most practical blade, but not an effective weapon to flaunt. Unless you plan on trailblazing a path for the Panama Canal, it shouldn’t be included in your set.
14. Rapier/Jian/Estoc: Long and thin with an ornate handle. A bit delicate and lacking the flare or extravagance necessary to really draw an eye during a full collection, but a fellow sophisticate will appreciate the intricacy. Sigh, no one shares your eye for detail.
13. Scimitar: A mid-length curved blade; bears a striking resemblance to your penis. Arabic in origin, so a bit… ethnic… for a truly refined gentleman’s collection.
Okay they’re pretty cool. You should consider one.
12. Dagger: Utilized by bandits, thieves and the uncultivated lacking in the refined class you and your fellow swordsmen’s possess. That said, they are an effective weapon in close quarters, and can be ornately decorated and used as a type of family heirloom. Your future children will appreciate your sentimentality and investment.
11. Arakh: What the Dothraki arm themselves with in the “Game of Thrones”‘ universe. Excuse me – what the Dorthraki use as they control the Dothraki Sea across the central region of Essos in the “A Song of Ice and Fire” universe. A topical piece, but a good conversation starter for the novice attempting to foray into blade collections. Maybe not the center piece, but since HBO and all these RECREATIONAL nerds ruined “A Song of Fire and Ice”, you should consider one despite being extremely blase and mainstream now.
10. Swordstaff: A long handle with a short blade – basically a staff with a short sword on the end. Allows for more intricacy or more personalization, so it depends on what you get on your swordstaff. I will rank this somewhere in the middle without a specific design placed before me.
9. Broadsword: In the same vein as the arakh, a broadsword is just so… common. Yes, it’s is what the non-bladed community think of when they think of “swords”, but as far as swords go, its pretty straightforward – big handle, big blade, big guard. You can spice it up any number of ways, but the premise remains the same. A word to the uninitiated – a broadsword may be cumbersome to the novice, so think twice before demanding satisfaction by way of a duel. Many have been defeated in their trials by combat not due to the cunning of an enemy, but due to the heft of their own weapon of choice. You have learned your lesson the hard way after demanding a duel after that guy at the gas station said the Marvel universe was inferior to the DC universe, and you were too slow to unsheathe your broadsword before he punched you in the face. The bruise has faded, but the shame of your defeat lingers still.
8. Bat’leth: A blade held by noble Klingon warriors. Looks like of like a new-age boomerang, sent from the future to murder you. Obviously a practical weapon for only the most refined swordsmen who also is well-versed in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 or Voyager, and not the TRIPE dumped out by Paramount recently. Everyone knows all about the honorable boycott of the Disney Star Wars movies, but where is the outrage for the despicable treatment of Captain Kirk and the USS Enterprise?!? I know Paramount has seen my vlogs listing my complaints and requirements for going forward, as I have sent it to every publicly available email address affiliated with the company. THEY SHALL KNOW OUR WRAITH!
7. Cutlass: Normally wielded by pirates, so it conveys a bit of roguish swagger. You are, after all, quite a swashbuckler as demonstrated by that incredible gambit you pulled at the Magic: The Gathering tournament the other week. You lured the enemy into playing his Loaming Shaman to counter your Grave Titan, knowing you had your Cryptbreaker in the wings to clinch the match. What an ignoramus! Yes, you are quite the rogue, but an honorable one, like Han Solo and not some low-class bandit.
6. Narsil/Anduril: From “Lord of the Rings”, so by default awesome. Whereas “A Song of Fire and Ice” tries to dignify the lower classes by bestowing them honor despite a lack of nobility or formal training, “Lord of the Rings” operates in a more mature and cosmopolitan universe, with better swords to boot. ‘Valyrian steel’ – pssh, how banal, how trite! Now a sword forged by Dwarvish masters and passed through generations of kings-warriors? Much more dignified. Picking up your Cookie Crisp and Hot Pockets at the grocery store with one of these across your shoulders, and a tip of your trillby, why, you could win any lass!
5. Warhammer: Remember all that shit about battle axes or maces being for the unrefined oafs of the battlefield? That does not apply to warhammers. It’s a hammer, but bigger, and used for WAR. I’m sorry, it’s fucking cool as shit, and anyone who disagrees is being deliberately obtuse. I may be a dagger devotee, but I know magnificence when I see it. Get yourself a warhammer.
4. Sabre: Maintained by military commanders, either leading cavalry by horseback or directing a battalion of tanks from the rear, gesturing grandly with your sabre. A sword befitting of your status. With one of these, you are suddenly a contender for any promotion and propelled into the aristocratic class. Yes, manga girl will be fawning over you once she sees your sabre in its scabbard, and once you unsheathe it, well. she shall be a fair maiden no longer, if you catch my drift.
3. Lightsaber: Duh. Only if it’s a red or blue one from the originals, and none of this bullshit double-ended or purple ones from the prequels, but you knew that. My mother even knows this, and she doesn’t even know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars despite my insistence on making her watching them multiple times. Essential to a complete collection.
2. Falchion: Like the one Cloud Strife has in Final Fantasy. Some would say “comically oversized” or “physically impossible to use in an actual fight”, but these imbeciles wouldn’t know splendor if it rained maximum damage plus bleed damage upon their under-formed craniums. The most dazzling of swords, and only for use by a true master capable of combining its heft with speed and strength.
1. Katana: You knew this was where we were heading. The finest swords available. Designed to augment your already supreme dexterity, and so sharp you use it trim your goatee, like a true gentleman. When first beginning your training with a high-end katana, be careful to not slice open your cargo pockets – I lost a load of Pizza Rolls this way. A katana is an efficient way to enlarge your vigor and masculine magnetism. Yes, manga girl will not be able to resist your awe-inspiring training maneuvers, and you shall soon enjoin your Tumblrs to make the finest fanpages known to the internet, all because of your finely-tuned katana.
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