Innocent or not guilty?


We Discussed Kavanaugh’s Fruit Basket, Literally Yesterday…

…and then today he goes and posts this, his calendar from July 1982:

Did…did Brett Kavanaugh name his dong? And at the senate hearing, will Dr. Strawberry stand up or do we need to pump the young coed court reporter full of malt liquor to get his attention?

Song of the Day (9/25/2018)


Musings and Malarkey has taught me a lot about life and human nature. In fact, I’m learning the same lessons Trump learned two years ago. The worse you are as a person / more irreverent and offensive you are, the more people want to follow you. This is asinine. I’m doing everything I can to find the moral bottom and people keep hitching their wagons to my train. Tell your friends about this blog.

Brett Kavanaugh. Love him or hate him, if you were at a New Haven party in the eighties, you probably saw his fruit basket. I don’t condone his behavior; however, I do think he could be a real asset to U.S.-China trade negotiations, forming a special bond with China’s Vice Commerce Minister:

We need to shine the spotlight on these two and let the public judge for themselves. Some sort of “penis referee,” not unlike my boy Oleg:

How many cooch smooches must one enjoy before self identifying as a “pussy ref?”

Today’s song of the day is Let’s Get Fucked Up by Start Trouble.

Let’s burn some dust – eat my rubber!

Song of the Day (9/24/2018)

You know who I really respect? American-born English speakers who can also speak elementary Spanish, and insist on doing so in a public venue whenever possible. Such courage. Such grace!

Today’s song of the day is Against the Wind by Bob Seger. Enjoy it!

Today’s word of the day is “kurtosis.” It’s the sharpness of the peak of a frequency distribution curve and often relates to risk analysis concerning securities and black swan events. AKA “tail risk.” Although, I’m certain that “tail risk” has a different meaning for women at Jeff Gundlach’s TCW. The moment he starts talking about “liquidity” or “picking bottoms,” head for the exit door, because he’ll most certainly be grabbing at yours.

Now, here are some cars I’ve seen about town:

GTA’s Lazlo is now driving for Lyft!

Reminded me of the Reliant Robin bit on Top Gear.

¡This Amigo is one bad hombre!

Song of the Day (9/20/2018)

Reagan, and happy (almost) Friday to you!

Recently, certain members of this readership have complained that the face of this blog is changing. Well, I’m here to tell you that as long as this blog has a face, this readership has somewhere to sit and read. Let that soak in.

I do apologize for the reduced frequency of these posts. I’ve been absolutely swamped at work. For two weeks, I’ve unsuccessfully tried to get past the M&A group at Apple and directly to CEO Tim Cook. I ask you: Why is the best fruit always forbidden?

Today’s song of the day is Girls Like You by Maroon 5. It’s fantastic, albeit a little gay…which is unfortunate given my last remaining gay reader probably just left the building.

Also! Remember my post a couple of weeks ago with a “PAYMENT” license plate? I literally just came across this:

I also came across this, which I’m confident Arch Stanton will adore:

Well, I need to get back to work. I wish I had more free time to devote to this blog but candidly, I’d probably be doing something else if I had more time. I really want to get back into slut shaming. Alas, it’s back to the office for me.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Kim Jong Il’s Titles, Ranked


Everyone knows North Korea’s leaders (Kim Il-song, Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un) have an array of special titles, but they have more than you’d think. Like, WAY more. Many are simple modifiers on a title, whether normal or imagined. North Korean media is required to use one of these when addressing their leader in a publication, and is encouraged (read: also required) to bold their name or use a larger font. I wanted to rank them because I love ranking things, and because it’s important to know what to call our benevolent overlord after the impending war caused by our saber-rattling septuagenarian. Just kidding! We’ll all be swallowed whole in a nuclear hellfire before that! Let’s get to it already.

Amazing Politician: At first blush, you’d think this was an honor, but stop and think about it for a minute – an amazing politician is someone who is dishonest and manages to shoehorn their way into every topic regardless of their stance and is all-around terrible. This is basically saying, “you have a lot in common with Ted Cruz”. Fuck no.

Superior Person: What? It seems very half-assed. North Korea, I expect better from you… said no one ever.

Savior: I like my cult leader titles to be a little less on the nose.


Unique Leader

Great Leader

Peerless Leader

Respected Leader

Dear Leader

Wise Leader

Brilliant Leader

Supreme Leader of the Nation

Beloved and Respected Leader: Why are there so many modifiers for ‘leader’? it’s a very modest title, but if we’re going to use it, I will take two compliments rather than just one.

Fate of the Nation: Sounds like a lot of pressure. No thanks.

Commander-in-Chief: America let a fat idiot who is scared of stairs (http://thehill.com/homenews/media/325280-cnn-reporter-is-trump-afraid-of-stairs) use this term. No thanks.

Sun of the Communist Future: Here is the part of the list consisting of heavy-handed endorsements of communism which, hard pass.

Leader of the Party, the Country and the Army

Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation

Sun of Socialism

Leader of the Party and the People

Eternal General Secretary of the Party

Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship: If we’re going to embrace the communist monikers, let’s REALLY commit to it at least.

Great Man, Who is a Man of Deeds: I mean – what? He does deeds? Are they dirty deeds? Are they done dirt cheap? If any outlet uses this title, someone’s getting sent to a prison camp because this is a total cop-out. “Kim Jong-un, he does things” – get the fuck outta here.

Shining Star of Paektu Mountain: I don’t know what Paektu Mountain is, but I have a hunch it’s fake.

Bright Sun of Juche: Also fake.

Bright Sun of Pudank: Definitely fake.

Dear Father: Sounds like a weird Nicholas Sparks fan-fiction.

Beloved Father

Father of the Nation

Father of the People

Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification: I hate the use of “guarantee” as a noun. I base this opinion on absolutely nothing of substance or verifiable reason.

Symbol of the Fatherland’s Unification

General: Needs more gusto.

Great General: Better.

Beloved and Respected General: THERE it is.

Great Marshall: Bland.

Great Defender: Leaves a lot to the imagination. Thanks for defending us from… freedom of speech? Democracy? Food that isn’t dirt?

Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces: “Revolution” is such a gaudy term. It suggests being a part of the proletariat at one point in the past. Not us, we are sophisticated people of good breeding and can have no such stink on us.

Mastermind of the Revolution: You can call Kim Jong-un the mastermind of a revolution that happened twenty-four or twenty-five years before he was born, because that makes total sense. Also I just learned that no one knows his actually birthday – he is either 34 or 35, and there is a lot of debate on this. You learned something today!

His Excellency: Solid, but infringes heavily on the Pope, who’s got his own shit going on right now. I’m about cultivating positive PR, and we don’t need to get the stink of the Catholic Church all over us.

Sun of the Nation: Eh.

Great Sun of the Nation: Oh fuck yeah, much better.

Great Man, Who Descended from Heaven: Feels kind of blasphemous doesn’t it? I can dig it.

Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven: ACTUALLY blasphemous.

The Great Sun of Life: In a sea of vastly over dramatic claims, “Sun of Life” is TOO much.

Leader of the 21st Century: Feels ho-hum, does it not?

Bright Sun of the 21st Century: You’re just describing the sun – no shit it’s bright, that’s literally what a sun is.

Great Sun of the 21st Century: ‘Great Sun’ I can definitely work with though.

World Leader of the 21st Century: There we go. I am all about being the apex of a new world order.

Guiding Star of the 21st Century: NOOOOOPE quasi-deified leader is much better.

Guiding Sun Ray: Got a real cult vibe to it, which fits in my life goal of having my own cult. Don’t worry, you’ll all get an invitation.

Invincible and Triumphant General: ‘Invincible’ is such an incredibly ballsy modifier. Do you think people roll their eyes (figuratively, lest they have them literally plucked from their skull) when they hear that? Like… we all know he definitely isn’t invincible, but we all have to pretend anyway. Everyone called his dad invincible, and then he just… left? Went to a farm upstate? He died! He definitely wasn’t invincible! Plus, triumphant is fantastic too – this five foot five inch chubby internet troll has only been triumphant against his generals when he makes them play Warcraft with him.

Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander: ‘Ever-victorious’, like North Korea has ever won a war. ‘Iron-Willed’ is great though. Credit where it’s due.

Party Centre: This is what I like to think people say about me when I show up at the bar.

Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Deader Should Have: I will not attempt to mask my tremendous vanity. Please refer to me as “Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have Arch Stanton” going forward. I will not respond to anything else.