Random Bidtits (10/25/2018)

Y’all like amazon?!? Not just the stock – everyone likes the stock – but the online marketplace? Well check out this cool shit:

Also, I heard a bad hombre badmouthing Donald’s dong the other day and realized this thing isn’t going to stand up for itself…okay, maybe it would. But that thing ain’t no toadstool, Donny is packin’ Mr. Snuffleupagus down there, believe me!

Going through my texts and was reminded of a baby shower I attended a month or so ago. The parents chose a bar as the venue, but it was the sort of bar with a wall of taps and the consumer is left to choose their own glass, swipe their special card, and fill ‘er up while paying by the ounce. Aside from sounding strangely reminiscent of my days as a hungry gigolo back in college, I had to question whether it would be borderline blasphemous for me to steal the child’s afterlife and baptize it under the Natty Lite tap right then and there. Unfortunately, I had already tapped out the keg and was more focused on regaining control of my colon before the natty splatties reared their ugly head.

Before I forget, you guys NEED to go to HomeGoods and drop a mere $80 for this thing:

5’6″ tall. $80. Guys… $80. That’s nothing. I’m seriously debating this investment. Not just for me, but for my children, and my children’s children.

And finally, please, please, PLEASE watch this 1 minute Holiday Special South Park video. Unlike Tobias Funkë, I’m not a big “TV” person, but this video is the greatest thing you’ll ever watch.

Fuck you, Megyn Kelly. AND FUCK YOU ELLEN PAO!

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