Song of the Day (11/15/2018)

Mortal humans, do I have a gift for you! But before we dip our wicks into the bountiful fountain of American jingoism, I want you to fire up YouTube and enjoy the song of the day: Rise of the Chaos Wizards by Gloryhammer. Much like meatspin circa 2006, make sure to jack up your volumes before this takes you for a dizzying, nausea-inducing ride.

Now for the main event. My fellow Americans. I present to you. The chair, OF THE FUTURE:

I’m setting aside a minute for hushed admiration and awed silence. Genuflect. Shed a tear. Light a candle for how hard our economic engine is about to fuck China.

I’m off to the gym to hit the bag and get back into fucking shape. Read into that as you wish. In the meantime, I’d like to take everyone back to Sesame Street with my bad hombre Ernie. To quote the E-man, one of these things is not like the other:

Some of them have created tens if not hundreds of thousands of jobs out of thin air. Some of them have projected society into the future as a result of technical innovations and associated improvements in total factor productivity. Some of them have made a significant impact on the lives of millions of people around the world. And to paraphrase Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development, one of these individuals has her own Alias type show.

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Happy Veterans Day!

A very happy Veterans Day to the men, women, and service animals of the United States. What better way to celebrate their selfless public service than to woo the crowd with some Ronald Reagan. It’s A Soldier’s Pledge by President Ronald W. Reagan.

Now, here’s a message for Macron’s frogs:

For each and every retweet of Trump’s initial tweet below, I’m packaging and sending 100 of these shirts to a different, randomized town in the French countryside.

We came, we saw, WE KICKED ASS! From all four corners of German-controlled France, let freedom ring!

“I won’t be wronged. I won’t be insulted. I won’t be laid a hand on. I don’t do these things to other people and I require the same from them.” – John Wayne

Song of the Day (11/8/2018)

Great song!!!!! Today, it’s Magic of Love by Two Steps from Hell. Whether pumping iron, pounding the pavement, or raiding dungeons, this will keep the flow in your mojo. Now for some amusing photos:

I came across another advertisement for my good friend Dick’s wife:

That’s a head scratcher.

Finally, did you know that you can make crystals out of coal and peanut butter? Please watch this amazing 1 minute video: https://youtu.be/kgY_3HwsO04. The scrambled eggs and sparkling water are on fleek!

LIGHT THE BEACONSSSS!!!

The ghost of Reagan is needed in the North, South, East, and West. Reagan take our hand, and our foreign-originated social media accounts, and show us the way to the promised land. Reagan bless this mess we call a midterm and see through to it that the good guys win the day (I’m willing to trade you Ted Cruz for a Red wave everywhere else).

I would gladly lend a hand but I’m all tied up in central Mexico, keeping tabs on the herd. It’s a daily grind, staying one town ahead of the caravan at all times, renting out rooms and restaurants so they arrive with zero accommodations, but someone needs to keep the rule of law and order. I am feeling a little pressure with the caravan constantly stepping at my heel. As the song goes in the beginning of Aladdin (who would’ve come here legally, or more likely following his marriage, on an EB-5 immigrant investor visa):

One jump ahead of the slowpokes
One skip ahead of my doom
Next time gonna use a nom de plume
One jump ahead of the hitmen
One hit ahead of the flock
I think I’ll take a stroll around the block

Well, time to get back to the grind. You can support our efforts by coming to the outskirts of Mexico City and buying a “Ocupar el Calle Cerca del Pared” t-shirt. Act fast because these will undoubtedly shoot up in value once we arrive at the Wall.

“I’ve always followed my father’s advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be goddamn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble.” – John Wayne

Random Bidtits (11/6/2018)

But first, some geographic trivia: Did you know that there’s a Town of China in Maine?  There’s even a Village of South China in China, Maine.  Wow, cool!  Did you know there’s also a City of Palestine, Texas?  Wowsers!  My fellow xBone/PS4 neckbeards will be equally thrilled to know that there’s a City of Beardstown, Illinois.  Righteous!

If you’re planning on visiting these locations, I highly recommend avoiding the mean streets of Chiraq.  Check out the following picture:

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Now zoom in on that rear window.  See it?  That’s an 8.5″ x 11″ piece of paper that reads “Be Careful, Student Driver”…BLOCKING 40% OF THE STUDENT DRIVER’S REAR VIEW!!!  Responsible parenting.

Applying to new jobs?  Terrific!  I came across a novel way of getting yourself out there: change your name to the exact position for which you’re applying!  Got it?  For example, don’t bother applying for the position of Dean at any of Chicago’s Econ Departments, this bad hombre en el chaleco has you beat:

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That’s one clever mofo.  Sorry if I’m bouncing around over here, although fortunately not literally as I’m drafting this missive whilst taming the throne.  I’m loving my new diet but unclogging these logjams has become a full-time job.  Someday, I’m going to patent a toilet that has the same flush force as this bad boy:

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Imagine, if you will, the sheer force of the water pumping through those hoses!  I want my waterlogged turd approaching the sound barrier as it’s hastily propelled toward the municipal cooling ponds.  Very much akin to a particle accelerator, only in this case, it begins with a black hole.  I refuse to get stuck in the balneae past with you luddites.  Speaking of luddites, whatever became of the radical Fluffers Union?  I have a vague recollection of Fluffers Local ### protesting the Viagra launch in 1998, going so far as breaking into porn studios and toppling chairs and tossing throw pillows onto the floor in spectacular protest.  Have they admitted defeat and let Big Medicine claim another victory against hand labor and lots of elbow grease?  Those rascals.

And finally, I may have shared these in the past but I don’t believe that to be the case.  Here are three great articles that are worth your time.  Well, maybe just the Manafort and Eight Days articles, but the Ohio coal-fired power plant article isn’t bad.  Here you go:

  • The Plot Against America: Decades before he ran the Trump campaign, Paul Manafort’s pursuit of foreign cash and shady deals laid the groundwork for the corruption of Washington.
  • Why Do Americans Stay When Their Town Has No Future?: Family and community are the only things left in Adams County, Ohio, as the coal-fired power plants abandon ship and the government shrugs.
  • Eight Days: The battle to save the American financial system.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan