Song of the Day (6/21/2017)

I was out motoring when an oldie from 1982 came on that I felt I needed to share with my reader(s, if you count me): it’s Goodbye to You by Scandal.  The music video is incredible so take the time to watch it.  I’m waiting for the day this gets released on Guitar Hero or Rock Band because holy cow is this catchy.  I’m also waiting for the light-hearted cover by Mo Thugs:

Surely the Compton community has fond memories of Reagan’s 1980s.  Speaking of which, I spotted two of my favorite things on my way to my hotel this week:

Speaking of hotel stays, I have a message for the front desk and the room cleaning staff: I don’t care if I’m only staying one night, one and a half rolls of TP is a BIG ask by management.  I’d wipe my gooch with the comforter if I didn’t think I’d get pregnant.

Fortunately I was able to avert crisis by stopping at a McDonalds to pinch off a fresh loaf.  The men’s and women’s rooms only had one stall each and both had a line so I was told to use the mixed bathroom located directly next to the seating area.  After downing four pills of senna lax that morning, I had serious concerns that the tectonic tremors pushing their way through my colon would be heard by innocent diners sitting 7 to 8 feet away from my trembling anus.  I felt my rectum violently shifting and had real concerns that the noises would easily penetrate the two inch door gap at the floor…but as fate would have it, the gods were smiling upon me that day.  There was no flatulence of which to speak…it was all liquid!  Literally pissing out of my ass – and nary a suspicion or eyebrow raised.  They thought I was peeing!  It seems my free trucker’s New Testament was a blessing:

And finally, my Arrested Development reference for the day:

The Universal Phenomenon of [People] Interrupting [People]

Here’s the article: The Universal Phenomenon of Men Interrupting Women

Here are the videos of Kamala Harris and her cronies taking hypocrisy to an astonishing new level: 1) Montage: Harris Interupting Sessions; 6-13-2017 and 2) Senator Interrupted by Chair in Two Hearings (with my father, it’s the vision – mom’s housekeeper?…GOB’s girlfriend).

Now I’ll tell you right now that I don’t like Jeff Sessions.  But this hypocritical bullshit has to be stopped.  It’s getting old.  Really old.  Going forward, for each comment that Arianna Huffington makes on this subject, I’m going to interupt two female colleagues…twice.

Can we also admire just how Greek Arianna appears?  It’s like what’s going to happen first, Greek hits the debt ceiling or Arianna hits the glass ceiling?  Stay tuned…

Arrested Development Spottings (6/15/2017)

Diving in head first…like Pete Rose.  Came across various items in the last week that have reminded me of the greatest show on earth:

1)  126 A Cross (across from where?)

2)  22 Across

3)  See Last Sentence

And finally and separately, congratulations to the Golden State Warriors for toppling the Columbus Cav… the Cincinnati Cav… the Cleveland Cavaliers.  I think Cleveland learned an important lesson this week following their paying up for Lebron: you can’t buy happiness… unless it’s bought in front of Tower City Center and 1) comes in a 50mg pill or 2) comes in a purple weave.

Revised Song of The Day (6/6/2017)

No one liked my Robin Hood Men in Tights reference in that last post?  For shame.  How obscure do you need me to get?!?  My references are spot on, guys.  Come on!


But the greater shame lies in me fucking up the song on the 73rd anniversary of D-Day.  Today’s song of the day is in dedication to all those who serve and protect the freedoms and liberties that we enjoy and love so much.  It’s A Soldier’s Pledge by Ronald Reagan.

Song of the Day (6/2/2017)…And a Free Hot Plate!

Happy Friday to both of you.  Due to time constraints, I plan to hearken back to my Germanic roots and plow through this post with unprecedented speed and efficiency.  In order to pay my respects to two great nations, today’s song of the day is Amerika by Rammstein.  Before I forget: I’d give my virginity to the man who finds me a pair of Reagan Bush ’84 croakies.

1)  Kicking it off with a common theme on Musings and Malarkey.  WHY THE FUCK DOES OHIO DO THIS TO ITSELF?!?  A professor once told me that the primary difference between humans and animals (okay, another solid song of the day: The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang) is that humans feel shame.  Apparently not in Ohio.

I can’t stand driving in Ohio.  I’m on the road and I have an asshole in front of me and a dick behind me.  It’s one big fucking daisy chain except no one here cares about my dick.  And this seriously has to be the whitest town in America ever since Augusta National Golf Club started allowing blacks.  (Can I say that?)

Heard an ad on the radio for the following URL.  How is this a real URL?!?  How dense can these people be?  www.CincinnatiNorthernKentuckyHondaDealers.com/

2)  There’s a first time for everything.  Playboy’s (this was a nudie magazine in high volume circulation prior to the advent of the internet and brazilian fart porn) first issue was released in December 1953…  64 years later and we have the first time in history where we ACTUALLY need a centerfold:

Somewhat related: while watching porn, do you completely lose all interest as soon as the porn star pulls out a condom?  I do.  FFS, be dedicated to your craft.  Ughhhh, fine, scratch that.  Gator’s bitches better be using jimmies!!!  Tangent: who else gets filled with creamy glee as soon as they see the word “reluctant” in a porn title?

Apparently, Amy was “always really confident.”  Cute!  I’d probably bang.  But only if I could put paper bags over those cankles.

3)  This is more informative in nature.  For my homies who like caffeine, this is purely caffeine – no nicotine or tobacco – and you can swallow it so no need to spit.  I’m not a dipper/chewer but I may get hooked on these.  Caramel was a good taste.  Caramel coffee pouches, that is…  From what I hear, usually the caramels go for the menthols.

Whoops, nearly forgot about another helpful hint.  You should go out and download the Genius Scan app.  It’s free.  It’s on your phone.  You can take photos that automatically convert to PDFs.  Very helpful while on the road and without a scanner and the quality is actually good.  Use this app, you’ll thank me.

4)  Presented without comment.  UGHHHH I wanna comment so bad.  I’ll refrain.

5)  Largest bass caught in Texas lake using McDonald’s chicken McNugget.  How long before the Bass sues McDonald’s for finding a fingernail in it’s McNuggets?  Pardon the Fox News, that was the first link to come up.

6)  Found a rear-wheel drive scrotum in Chicago last week:

7)  Y’all know I fucking love Pickleball.  Check out what I stumbled upon:

8)  This next one is sure to offend!  My dad left me a voicemail.  Somehow, “he’s looking for an Illinois based bank to buy with about $150 million in assets under management” became the following:

One of the partners at my firm is black so this deal could be perfect for us…

9)  With regard to the following, as the Meditative Mandarin put it, “I do enjoy how the liberal narrative on this is whipsawing just as much as Trump”:

10)  I recently heard a story about McDonald’s in which a child vomited in the play area ball pit and it mixed in with the balls such that no one noticed the issue for days.  Now you’ve got to ask yourself: what do you search for when looking for someone to fix the problem?  Do you hop on Craigslist and search for “Ball Cleaners?”  I’m guessing they’ll have a lot of 5 star and a lot of 1 star ratings…  Top ten items of the day, and that’s all, folks!

11)  But this posting goes up to eleven…  Donald Trump is the best example of why the abortion debate is all fucked up.  Are you pro-choice supporters seriously arguing about the timing cutoff for abortions?  If we could’ve just increased the cutoff from first trimester to allowing parents to abort their children up to the age of 13, Fred may have played his cards differently and today we wouldn’t be exiting the Paris Climate Accord like a bunch of myopic state schoolers.  On the plus side (see also: Amy Schumer), the Donald’s Accord antics have distracted the media at home from the Kushner-Russia ties and the obstruction of justice with Comey.  Can’t we get back to the real issues, like the Dakota Access Pipeline and it’s impact on the native Sioux?  Or should we drop it and just agree that apples (the Sioux) and oranges (the Donald) don’t mix?

Well, I’m back to work and to listening to my playlist.  Queen is #7 on the list: and if you look at this comment in a vacuum, it sounds more like Train.  I leave you with a product plug for my American-made finance/gaming friends:

Well, I just pounded one out and now I’m headed to rip a fatty while tearing one off.  Enjoy your weekend!

¡¡¡Happy Cinco De Mayo Veinte Diecisiete!!! (and Arrested Development)

Wishing everyone a warm and fuzzy Cinco De Mayo.

Okay, lot to cover here, so time to play ketchup.   In the spirit of Mexican heritage, I’m throwing up a massive text wall.  Don’t like it?  This posting just got 2 paragraphs longer.  More than once in my life, I’ve been told that from time to time I can be mildly insensitive to other cultures and ways of life.  Bullshit, but okay.  It’s Cinco De Mayo and I’d like to make good on appreciating other cultures, so today’s song of the day is Right Now by Psy (don’t be a dick, give the song a chance, it’s good).  Much better than the golden oldies song that came on this morning where the main course is “baaa ba-ba ba-baaaaa, I knowwww you..” – if this were the Middle East, I’d get stoned if I were caught singing this to my male friends.  They’re a very literal people.

As many of you know, I’m an absolute dios when it comes to Heroes of the Storm (“HOTS” for anyone who can throw a spiral or doesn’t suffer from asthma and backne).  Back in December, before evvvverything changed when Trump was inaugurated, I went into a game as Chogall, stacking party-of-five XP bonuses on top of the holiday XP bonuses, among others.  Had my first and only 500,000+ XP game.  You better fucking believe that print screen found its way onto the watermark on my resume.  Employers dig teamwork, persistence, and originality.  I have yet to get any calls back.  Not unlike:

Anyway, back to snapping the suspenders of the Mexican people.  I recently had a game of HOTS where I was Chogall and working in close tandem with a teammate from Mexico, or Portugal, down old South America way.

Roughly translated, Sabaoth’s first two constructive messages to me are 1) Chogal, fuck you shit, and 2) I give you a whore.  It may sound border-line (ugh) adversarial, but I think we had some good communication that game, a real productive tete-a-tete.  Look a few lines up and you find the most important message.  At all costs.  Protect.  The fucking.  Healing fountain.

I’m getting lazy today and have to get back to work (“They’ve got a bus, and they want to use parking lot to this building as a meeting place.  I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not a hardware store.  We can’t have them hanging around like a bunch of freeloaders looking for an easy buck.” – Lucille Bluth).  Spent too long on my last two posts: to quote a buddy, “your latest blog has so much packed in there you’d think it was Bruce Jenner post-op.”  Biting social commentary…even in its brevity, and like the woman, it still has a lot of meat on it.

Here are my relevant Arrested Development photos for Cinco:

Two tips of the day.  1) Raspberries and diet coke: best combination you’ve ever had.  Pop a few raspberries in your mouth and take a swig of the diet coke – it’s AMAZING.  2) People like Nutella on toast (although my readership seems to be white bread).  Put 2-3 Reese’s peanut butter eggs on a toasted bagel and make a sandwich of it, it’s INCREDIBLE.  Bonus recommendation from my cigarette-smoking-man/friend: chew on Icebreakers mints while smoking cigarettes – better tasting than menthol cigarettes.  I must admit that I’ve had my share of cigarettes in my day, but after watching Hans Landa in the following, I’m never putting another wimpy-ass f*g in my mouth again:

Alright, time for me to get back to HOTS before this American Health Care Act beats a path through the senate floor.  My go-to character, Chogall, has a bit of a limp and I’m worried about playing him with his preexisting condition.