Most Ballin Uber Driver Ever and Other Potty Jokes

A) Sorry to block out the location info.  It is Uber, so she’s not in London.  It is not an UberBoat, so she’s not in Puerto Rico.  There is a functioning street lamp, so she’s not in North Korea.  She does speak English, so she’s not in Miami or SoCal.  She is driving, so she’s not in Saudi Arabia (for now).  She does like restaurants, so she’s not in the Upper East Side.

B):

Eh, fuck it.  Today’s song of the day is Movin’ Like Bernie by ISA.  Watch the video.

And finally:

This might be too gay even for the Hot Cops:

Oh and this:

And this complete sack of shit:

And finally, finally, they finally made a shirt for I-banking’s Technology, Media, and Telecom group:

About damn time.  These TMT guys labor harder than anyone else, had to fight to get to the top against all odds, and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  About damn time the world finally recognizes the TMT industry group for all the blood, sweat, and tears it took to make it on top.

Oh, and apparently I live in the same building as America’s next top starving actress:

…METAPHORICALLY, of course.  What are we if not self aware and intellectually honest?  Anyone hear of any casting calls for SuperSize Me 2.0?  Perhaps we can star her in a movie as a confused Helios, chasing a cheese curd across the sky.

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Song of the Day (10/2/2017)

Salutations!  It’s my fancy way of saying…hello!  Today’s song of the day is a new one: it’s What Lovers Do by Maroon 5 and SZA.

So we all know of Martin Shkreli (aka Pharma Bro) and how much of an anus he is, but did you know that he has two unexpected doppelgängers?  The first being American conservative commentator Ben Shapiro:

And the second being Steve Burns’ replacement on Nick Jr’s Blue’s Clues, Donovan Patton:

Eerie, isn’t it?  Moving right along to this:

Are you a self-proclaimed coffee aficionado?  Lover of chocolate chip cookies?  Well!  Then you’ll detest this shit.  Admittedly, I’m one for the flavored creamers – some of them are too good not to enjoy.  But this chocolate chip cookie shit is disgusting.  Don’t buy, don’t try.  Speaking of not trying, make sure you don’t try to go to key west in the next two weeks.

Unless you’re looking to go south, see some sparks fly, and get wet.  Am I right, girls?  And finally, some car stuffs for my autophiles.  The first is a Ferrari with some epic decals (remember, racing stripes make a car go faster):

And a final thought for my AD thrill seakers:

Schadenfreude 101

First off, a little photo:

And now an article from Bloomberg.  “That sounds like another one of those gradeless, structureless, new age feel-gooderies.” – Michael Bluth

Startup Juicero Shutters Operations and Seeks a Buyer

By Eric Newcomer
September 1, 2017, 2:37 PM EDT September 1, 2017, 3:35 PM EDT

Juicero Inc., the vegetable and fruit juice startup that raised more than $100 million from investors, said it will suspend sales, offer refunds to customers and search for a buyer for the company.

The decision to shut down its business comes four months after a Bloomberg News report that the company’s juice packets could be squeezed by hand and didn’t require Juicero’s machine, which cost $400. The machine had previously sold for $700, before the price cut.

Juicero announced the decision in a statement Friday posted on its website. “It became clear that creating an effective manufacturing and distribution system for a nationwide customer base requires infrastructure that we cannot achieve on our own as a standalone business,” the San Francisco-based company said. Chief Executive Officer Jeff Dunn announced in July that the company would cut 25 percent of its staff, primarily in sales and marketing, and try to lower the price of its machine and juice packs.

Alphabet’s venture arm GV, Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, Artis Ventures and Josh Kushner’s Thrive Capital are among the startups investors.

Some investors hoped the company’s internet-connected machine would do for juice what the Keurig, a coffee maker that required customers to keep buying its cartridges, did for coffee. Juicero sold its expensive juicer promising force “enough to lift two Teslas” along with packets of juice costing $5 to $7 each.

Juicero’s founder Doug Evans boasted about the technical complexity of the company’s juicer. “There are 400 custom parts in here,” he told Recode. “There’s a scanner; there’s a microprocessor; there’s a wireless chip, wireless antenna.”

Bloomberg revealed in an April article, accompanied by video evidence, that the juice machine was hardly a necessity since the packets could be more quickly squeezed by hand.

Juicero said Friday that it will offer refunds of its presses for the next 90 days. Pack subscriptions are ending the week of Sept. 4. Fortune earlier reported Juicero’s decision to cease operations.

“As we enter this new chapter, we also want to express the deepest gratitude to our employees who have poured their hearts and souls into developing, launching and growing Juicero over the past 3 years,” the company said in its statement.

Random Bidtits (8/30/2017)

Banging through some life observations and cool shit from the last few weeks:

1)  Here is an article from the Wall Street Journal with some stunning photos of undersea life: Into the Deep: The Underwater Photography Awards.

2)  Here is an article from The New Yorker that is absolutely worth your time but will take a while to get through: Donald Trump’s Ghostwriter Tells All.  You won’t find a single surprise throughout the article.  Orange you glad I found this?

3)  Incoming book recommendation!  As a rule, I typically don’t read self-help books but this one came strongly recommended and I pass that on to you.  It’s: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson.  It’s a quick read and worth your time if you’re open minded.  Check out the Amazon reviews in the link.  I finished this last week after reading four Agatha Christie books last month.  Yes, Agatha Christie is the Goosebumps of adulthood but it’s easy and light and quick.  I did see a great Arrested Development shout out in the back of one of her books (also, look at those prices!):

And the Arrested Development connection:

4)  Quick, somewhat terrifying side note.  I cringe when I see the words “clinger” and “loosening” used in the same sentence:

5)  I spent last weekend in the back country of Virginia and West Virginia and it was absolutely gorgeous.  World renowned white water rafting, spelunking, The Greenbrier (including A TRUE CROQUET COURT!!!), the Omni and it’s surrounding thermal springs, and the New River Gorge Bridge (as seen on the back of the West Virginia quarter).  The Greenbrier is well worth your time.  However, there was some subtle racism under the banner of “southern charm”:

Which in reality looked like this:

There was also a memorial highway in honor of the armed forces…sponsored by the one and only West Virginia Garden Club, Inc.  You know, that’s an obvious overlap.

Also came across a new food group that may need to replace pork rinds at our next bro-get-together:

As well as a gas station WITH RACING FUEL:

And the nerdiest corner I’ve ever walked into:

My neckbeard grew three sizes that day.

6)  And finally, I saw the license plate below which reminded me of a terrific scene from Family Guy.

Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

The Trumps vs. The Bluths: A Posting by Arch Stanton

Good ol’ boy Arch Stanton shared some words of wisdom with me a few weeks ago that are entirely worthy (okay, everything is worthy of this capitalist rag) of Musings and Malarkey.  And without further delay, I give you Mr. Stanton.

Arch on the Trumps vs. the Bluths:  Let’s look at the similarities between the Trumps and the Bluths.  Made their money in shady real estate dealings but had dozens of other half assed ideas/schemes that went terribly wrong.  Terrible attorneys.  “Light treason.”  Ditzy daughter who stands in opposition to everything the family does with high-visibility, low-impact charities.  The brothers are simultaneously manchildren and impossible idiots thinking they’re in control of things.  Tell me you can’t see Eric Trumps face on GOBs in the Magicians Alliance holding a sign “WE DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”  General confusion about religion.  They both are involved in a beauty pageants.  The parental-child relationship a la MotherBoy.  Their charities being shady fronts.

Arch on Greeks following the posting on Arianna Huffington:  And still more in casual racism!  Went to a Greek place for lunch, and this girl was DISGUSTED with my reflections on the laziness and general indifference of the Greek culture.  1) That’s not even racism, just specific xenophobia.  2) This isn’t really based in stereotype, we all know why the country collapsed.  3) They should try harder.  I’ll spot the Greeks democracy – great job, we can all agree, but the next 2000 years and your next biggest contribution to society is fucking yogurt?  4) Not my fault I don’t want this lady’s armpit hair in my gyro and hummus.  5) Okay the last one was kind of racist.

I’d like to extend a warm “thank you” to Arch Stanton for his input.  And finally, an AMAZING video on The Donald: Donald Trumps CNN on Monday Night RAW.