Song of the Day (11/15/2018)

Mortal humans, do I have a gift for you! But before we dip our wicks into the bountiful fountain of American jingoism, I want you to fire up YouTube and enjoy the song of the day: Rise of the Chaos Wizards by Gloryhammer. Much like meatspin circa 2006, make sure to jack up your volumes before this takes you for a dizzying, nausea-inducing ride.

Now for the main event. My fellow Americans. I present to you. The chair, OF THE FUTURE:

I’m setting aside a minute for hushed admiration and awed silence. Genuflect. Shed a tear. Light a candle for how hard our economic engine is about to fuck China.

I’m off to the gym to hit the bag and get back into fucking shape. Read into that as you wish. In the meantime, I’d like to take everyone back to Sesame Street with my bad hombre Ernie. To quote the E-man, one of these things is not like the other:

Some of them have created tens if not hundreds of thousands of jobs out of thin air. Some of them have projected society into the future as a result of technical innovations and associated improvements in total factor productivity. Some of them have made a significant impact on the lives of millions of people around the world. And to paraphrase Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development, one of these individuals has her own Alias type show.

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Arrested Development: Speaking of Settling…

Speaking of settling, how’s Ann?

Here’s an amazing YouTube video (under 3 minutes long) that crosses AD with Star Wars. It’s a trailer/background of Star Wars but delivered in the AD trailer format. Well worth your time.

And here’s a second YouTube video that’s not quite as entertaining but still enlightening. It’s a more academic overview (10 minutes long) of how AD delivers its jokes and keeps them going.

And finally, none of you knew this until now but I’m experimenting with making my own soap. Doing some diving into soap making materials on Amazon and I’m not quiiiiiite sure how item #3 slipped into the list of soap materials:

I’m Reading a Book About Anti-Gravity…

It’s impossible to put down!

Only messing, brah. Gotta keep it clean today – it’s just one of those nights. Before I begin, can we all appreciate the beauty of this pink house in Charleston, South Carolina/East Georgia?

The house and the flora are gorgeous. To quote my boy Jackie Chiles,

Back to more immature matters. I’ve been reaching out to a number of marketing industry participants recently and came across, figuratively, 1) Sean Creamer, Merkle Inc and 2) David Sackman, Lieberman Research Worldwide. Email addresses? Screamer@merkleinc and DSackman@LRW. One of these guys would do well at Chicago’s DOM Capital Group. The other? Might not.

My black colleague (I also count him as “my black friend” and yes, I’m allowed to double up) had to leave work last week to watch his son participate in a fun run. I blurted out “this sounds more like a color run” followed by a long and rather uncomfortable stare.

From time to time, I’m willing to resist the teaming masses of potential suitors at my door and focus on having sex with my hand. If prostitution is the world’s oldest job, giving a handshake to Russel the love mussel is the world’s oldest hobby. But what if having sex with your hand is a bit too 20th century for you millennials? Well, now, you can have intimate, tantric sex ON your hand!

Andddd obligatory Arrested Development shoutout:

Ladies and gentlemen, or maybe at this point, just gentlemen, I can assure you that my knowledge at the confluence of romantic doggy boning and personal electronics knows no bounds. It’s probably best that we don’t let Tim Cook see these fuck pieces, lest the next version of the iWatch get banned from religious institutions and public schools. I don’t need two dongs for hour and minute hands nor do I need to watch some gilded, versatile men contemplate who’s taking the next hour hand chode.

And there certainly wouldn’t be a market for children. Although I could see a market developing with Subway’s Jared. The Subway Guy may indeed have more DNA on his collection of children’s watches than they have in an entire chicken breast footlong.

And finally, I give you the world’s greatest company slogan:

So much better than those assholes over there at Ford or the homos at General Motors.

Can You Smell What the Dilettante is Cookin’?

As a select few of you know, I’m a superb chef and artist of the kitchen when I’m not aggressively leafing through materials at the Ronald Reagan Presidential Library. I recently crafted the following:

Sweet potato, Greek yogurt, feta cheese, corn-based salsa, Valentina hot sauce, baby, YOU GOT A STEW GOIN!

For those of you not familiar with my girl Valentina, she’s a stone-cold Fox from south of the wall. Absolutely delicious in every way and only $1.79/bottle in a relatively expensive area.

And finally, no introduction needed on the following:

This posting is brought to you by Chesterfield sin-sticks, buy the beautiful Christmas-card carton!