Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

The Trumps vs. The Bluths: A Posting by Arch Stanton

Good ol’ boy Arch Stanton shared some words of wisdom with me a few weeks ago that are entirely worthy (okay, everything is worthy of this capitalist rag) of Musings and Malarkey.  And without further delay, I give you Mr. Stanton.

Arch on the Trumps vs. the Bluths:  Let’s look at the similarities between the Trumps and the Bluths.  Made their money in shady real estate dealings but had dozens of other half assed ideas/schemes that went terribly wrong.  Terrible attorneys.  “Light treason.”  Ditzy daughter who stands in opposition to everything the family does with high-visibility, low-impact charities.  The brothers are simultaneously manchildren and impossible idiots thinking they’re in control of things.  Tell me you can’t see Eric Trumps face on GOBs in the Magicians Alliance holding a sign “WE DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”  General confusion about religion.  They both are involved in a beauty pageants.  The parental-child relationship a la MotherBoy.  Their charities being shady fronts.

Arch on Greeks following the posting on Arianna Huffington:  And still more in casual racism!  Went to a Greek place for lunch, and this girl was DISGUSTED with my reflections on the laziness and general indifference of the Greek culture.  1) That’s not even racism, just specific xenophobia.  2) This isn’t really based in stereotype, we all know why the country collapsed.  3) They should try harder.  I’ll spot the Greeks democracy – great job, we can all agree, but the next 2000 years and your next biggest contribution to society is fucking yogurt?  4) Not my fault I don’t want this lady’s armpit hair in my gyro and hummus.  5) Okay the last one was kind of racist.

I’d like to extend a warm “thank you” to Arch Stanton for his input.  And finally, an AMAZING video on The Donald: Donald Trumps CNN on Monday Night RAW.

Song of the Day (6/21/2017)

I was out motoring when an oldie from 1982 came on that I felt I needed to share with my reader(s, if you count me): it’s Goodbye to You by Scandal.  The music video is incredible so take the time to watch it.  I’m waiting for the day this gets released on Guitar Hero or Rock Band because holy cow is this catchy.  I’m also waiting for the light-hearted cover by Mo Thugs:

Surely the Compton community has fond memories of Reagan’s 1980s.  Speaking of which, I spotted two of my favorite things on my way to my hotel this week:

Speaking of hotel stays, I have a message for the front desk and the room cleaning staff: I don’t care if I’m only staying one night, one and a half rolls of TP is a BIG ask by management.  I’d wipe my gooch with the comforter if I didn’t think I’d get pregnant.

Fortunately I was able to avert crisis by stopping at a McDonalds to pinch off a fresh loaf.  The men’s and women’s rooms only had one stall each and both had a line so I was told to use the mixed bathroom located directly next to the seating area.  After downing four pills of senna lax that morning, I had serious concerns that the tectonic tremors pushing their way through my colon would be heard by innocent diners sitting 7 to 8 feet away from my trembling anus.  I felt my rectum violently shifting and had real concerns that the noises would easily penetrate the two inch door gap at the floor…but as fate would have it, the gods were smiling upon me that day.  There was no flatulence of which to speak…it was all liquid!  Literally pissing out of my ass – and nary a suspicion or eyebrow raised.  They thought I was peeing!  It seems my free trucker’s New Testament was a blessing:

And finally, my Arrested Development reference for the day:

The Universal Phenomenon of [People] Interrupting [People]

Here’s the article: The Universal Phenomenon of Men Interrupting Women

Here are the videos of Kamala Harris and her cronies taking hypocrisy to an astonishing new level: 1) Montage: Harris Interupting Sessions; 6-13-2017 and 2) Senator Interrupted by Chair in Two Hearings (with my father, it’s the vision – mom’s housekeeper?…GOB’s girlfriend).

Now I’ll tell you right now that I don’t like Jeff Sessions.  But this hypocritical bullshit has to be stopped.  It’s getting old.  Really old.  Going forward, for each comment that Arianna Huffington makes on this subject, I’m going to interupt two female colleagues…twice.

Can we also admire just how Greek Arianna appears?  It’s like what’s going to happen first, Greek hits the debt ceiling or Arianna hits the glass ceiling?  Stay tuned…

Arrested Development Spottings (6/15/2017)

Diving in head first…like Pete Rose.  Came across various items in the last week that have reminded me of the greatest show on earth:

1)  126 A Cross (across from where?)

2)  22 Across

3)  See Last Sentence

And finally and separately, congratulations to the Golden State Warriors for toppling the Columbus Cav… the Cincinnati Cav… the Cleveland Cavaliers.  I think Cleveland learned an important lesson this week following their paying up for Lebron: you can’t buy happiness… unless it’s bought in front of Tower City Center and 1) comes in a 50mg pill or 2) comes in a purple weave.

Revised Song of The Day (6/6/2017)

No one liked my Robin Hood Men in Tights reference in that last post?  For shame.  How obscure do you need me to get?!?  My references are spot on, guys.  Come on!


But the greater shame lies in me fucking up the song on the 73rd anniversary of D-Day.  Today’s song of the day is in dedication to all those who serve and protect the freedoms and liberties that we enjoy and love so much.  It’s A Soldier’s Pledge by Ronald Reagan.