Article: Just to Be Clear, the Witch-King of Angnar was an Insignificant Volunteer in the Great Army of the Dark Lord Sauron

Here’s the link but the story is below:

Thank you for joining us today, Middle-earth media. I’d like to start today’s briefing by addressing the recent news of the Witch-King’s indictment. The Witch-King of Angmar was an extremely minor cog within the Ringwraith organization and has never had, nor currently has, a relationship with Lord Sauron. Despite all of the evidence to the contrary, please believe me when I say the Witch-King was basically an unpaid summer intern in Mordor during last year’s campaign.

Even though he and the other Ringwraiths are notoriously enslaved to the Nine Rings that Sauron holds in his possession, the Witch-King briefly advised the Dark Lord under his own free will. Similarly, I am giving this briefing of my own free will. Trust me, I am not currently trapped in a prison of my own mind.

The Witch-King was only ever present for one meeting and didn’t open his mouth to talk once during it. Technically, he doesn’t have a mouth anymore ever since he was turned into a scary, immortal nightmare creature. The recent charges filed against him have nothing to do with Lord Sauron’s extremely successful path to lordship, so stop searching for a connection between those two things. On that note, also stop bringing up the photograph of the Dark Lord and the Witch-King singing a karaoke duet together at the annual Mordor Christmas party. That photo is being taken completely out of context. There’s nothing wrong with two very casual acquaintances singing “I Got You Babe” together.

While the Nazgûl are technically the chief servants of the Dark Lord, the Witch-King’s involvement in that committee was purely advisory and hobby-like. He only attended one raid and barely participated. Sure, after the Nazgûl attacked Weathertop, several hobbits gave firsthand accounts of the Witch-King playing an active leadership role within the Ringwraiths at the time, but those are just lies propagated to weaken our evil party. So what if the Witch-King yelled, “I’m doing this for my Dark Lord!” as he stabbed Frodo Baggins with his Morgul-blade? He could’ve been talking about any number of Dark Lords. Leave Sauron out of this.

There’s simply no significance to the Witch-King’s position on Sauron’s most trusted advisory council. He was an insignificant volunteer. It’s not like the Witch-King is forever bound to the power of the One Ring and forced to be a servant under the complete dominion of Lord Sauron for all of eternity. What would give you that idea? Yes, he has served under Sauron for over 4,000 years, but that’s hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of things. He was just one in a large number of undead, evil consultants that have worked with the Dark Lord over time.

The two of them are barely even acquaintances! Plenty of folks have entered the realm of shadows over the years, it’s silly to say Lord Sauron has direct relationships with them all. He’s a very busy evil presence and has done an amazing job pushing the Middle-earth economy to new heights. The real news today should be Sauron’s impending tax plan, which will lower taxes for all rich hobbits and elves.

Today’s announcement has nothing to do with the Dark Lord. Please just let our power-hungry, malevolent god-king continue to shroud the world in darkness. He has taken political advice from millions of dark wizards, orcs, goblins, variags, and uruks. Just because the recently indicted Witch-King also happens be a known collaborator of Sauron doesn’t mean there’s anything suspicious going on here. At any rate, the real scandal, as we’ve said several times before, has nothing to do with the Witch-King. The real scandal is the Fellowship’s collusion with Saruman the White, which the left-wing media still refuses to report on.

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GTA Real Life: The Faggio Chronicles

Who here remembers the GTA series from our youth?  If so, you will remember the Faggio: a parody of both Vespa and Piaggio.  Here’s a photo from the game:

Cool, right?  Well I came across the ULTIMATE Faggio last weekend.  Huge faggio move.  Big league faggio.  Thanks, guy.

Dick move when I’m desperately searching for parking.  The guy is probably in the bar, sipping on a tall cool one:

Book plug time.  I read/listen to a book every two weeks and have been experimenting lately.  One that HAS to be on your list, even if you have but only the faintest interest in this stuff, is Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Astrophysics for People in a Hurry.  Run to your library (or use the free Hoopla app for your phone) and get this book.  When Amazon recommends “Origins” by NDT, don’t worry, you basically already read it if you got through Astrophysics for Hombres in a Hurry.

Oh!  Is anyone up for a game?  Back, wayyyy back, before The Cookie Monster gave up carbs (cookies) for…well for other carbs (fruits and veggies), and before Mitt Romney threatened to put a bullet in Big Bird and cut funding, there was a game Big Bird played that he/she/it called One of These Things (although not every episode centered around him playing with his “yummy yummy bird seed,” even going as far as burying his/her/confused/undecided/but likely his nose in it).  Now I leave it to you: which one of these things is not like the others:

It’s hard to find so I’ll give you a hint: it’s in the middle up near the top, it’s small and undistinguished, it’s pink, and sometimes it can be hard to find in the broader sea of undulating movements.

And finally, food porn time!!!

Random Bidtits (12/15/2016)

Annyong!

And welcome, from ‘Merica’s heartland.  Let’s get right into it.  On a flight to Las Vegas earlier this week I came across this, a woman CLIPPING HER NAILS ON THE FLIGHT:


I was immediately put off my this lack of regard for humanity.  But, alas, she ended up being super nice and we spent the flight speaking in broken Spanish while she’s wasn’t busy reading a pamphlet titled “Señor Jesús.”  An amigo of mine would later suggest I get her autograph as the housekeeper from Family Guy:


I thought the antics were over until on the return flight from Las Vegas, a little Asian woman next to me asked for a platter of lemon wedges.  Sure enough, the flight attendant came back with a shish kabob of United Airlines branded lemon wedges on a plastic stick.  The woman spent the remainder of the flight alternating between sucking on the United Airlines lemon wedges, sniffing them like she’s recovering from an insatiable glue habit, and rubbing them across her nose and forehead.  Where do these people come from?

During my stay in Vegas, I made sure to stop at an old favorite, In and Out Burger.  It seems I didn’t learn my lesson in 2014 when I originally tried Animal Style and actually shit my pants at the General Sherman tree in Sequoia National Park.  So, following the Animal Style extravaganza, chased by a river of pop, I found myself exploring the surprisingly finite limitations of my colon in the lobby of Caesars Palace.  At first there were some gentle movements and I was tangentially made aware that I would soon be pinching off something mildly pungent.

But then, with the force of ten thousand atomic bombs, my colon shifted ten inches to the side and I scampered to the bathroom with a look of terror across my face.  What would come ended up being quite a mix: three parts primordial soup, two parts high-density solids that hit the porcelain with enough force to effectively split the atom.  I felt like Sisyphus as I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, straining every muscle beneath my eyebrow.

I’d like to formally apologize to the staff of Caesars Palace for leaving that monstrosity behind.  Let’s hope the Romans’ aqueduct technology has improved with the times, lest this thing get lodged in the intake valves at Hoover Dam.  Let’s pray those workers are indeed “shovel ready” because this beast had some serious momentum behind it.

Today’s fun fact of the day: the word emotion means disturbance.  The word comes from the Latin evomere, which means to disturb.  Now you know!  This fun fact comes from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which I am currently reading.  It’s a quick read and I highly encourage everyone to give it a shot.  While a bit repetitive, the message is very powerful and mirrors a commencement speech by Jim Carrey that I also encourage people to view.  I watched this a number of times a month ago and I can promise that it has since changed my life in terrific ways.

Quick tangent: everyone has shit on the size of Donald Trump’s hands. HOW THE FUCK HAS EVERYONE MISSED VAN MORRISON’S?!?!?


The man is absolutely adorable.  Can Mattel please, please, please make a 2:1 scale American Girl Doll resembling this man?

And finally, I took this photo in Chicago (of all places) this summer.  I shed a tear of blissful joy upon strolling beneath its magnificence:


I leave our readers with this thought: Barry Nobama wins a nobel peace prize, but can you name the man/woman who developed the first “tube” website?