Song of the Day (6/6/2017)

Today’s song of the day is If You Leave by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.  Beyond that, I saw my first ever Bugatti Veyron last week:

That’s a 16 cylinder, 1,000+ HP car that’ll burn through its entire 26 gallon gas tank in approximately 12 minutes at top speed (254 MPH).  I’m so hard right now.  Not only did I see the car, I touched it…

Well, who wants to get nerdy and play some HOTS?  I took some senna lax and just pooped so probably good to squeeze in a 25 minute game.

Song of the Day (6/2/2017)…And a Free Hot Plate!

Happy Friday to both of you.  Due to time constraints, I plan to hearken back to my Germanic roots and plow through this post with unprecedented speed and efficiency.  In order to pay my respects to two great nations, today’s song of the day is Amerika by Rammstein.  Before I forget: I’d give my virginity to the man who finds me a pair of Reagan Bush ’84 croakies.

1)  Kicking it off with a common theme on Musings and Malarkey.  WHY THE FUCK DOES OHIO DO THIS TO ITSELF?!?  A professor once told me that the primary difference between humans and animals (okay, another solid song of the day: The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang) is that humans feel shame.  Apparently not in Ohio.

I can’t stand driving in Ohio.  I’m on the road and I have an asshole in front of me and a dick behind me.  It’s one big fucking daisy chain except no one here cares about my dick.  And this seriously has to be the whitest town in America ever since Augusta National Golf Club started allowing blacks.  (Can I say that?)

Heard an ad on the radio for the following URL.  How is this a real URL?!?  How dense can these people be?  www.CincinnatiNorthernKentuckyHondaDealers.com/

2)  There’s a first time for everything.  Playboy’s (this was a nudie magazine in high volume circulation prior to the advent of the internet and brazilian fart porn) first issue was released in December 1953…  64 years later and we have the first time in history where we ACTUALLY need a centerfold:

Somewhat related: while watching porn, do you completely lose all interest as soon as the porn star pulls out a condom?  I do.  FFS, be dedicated to your craft.  Ughhhh, fine, scratch that.  Gator’s bitches better be using jimmies!!!  Tangent: who else gets filled with creamy glee as soon as they see the word “reluctant” in a porn title?

Apparently, Amy was “always really confident.”  Cute!  I’d probably bang.  But only if I could put paper bags over those cankles.

3)  This is more informative in nature.  For my homies who like caffeine, this is purely caffeine – no nicotine or tobacco – and you can swallow it so no need to spit.  I’m not a dipper/chewer but I may get hooked on these.  Caramel was a good taste.  Caramel coffee pouches, that is…  From what I hear, usually the caramels go for the menthols.

Whoops, nearly forgot about another helpful hint.  You should go out and download the Genius Scan app.  It’s free.  It’s on your phone.  You can take photos that automatically convert to PDFs.  Very helpful while on the road and without a scanner and the quality is actually good.  Use this app, you’ll thank me.

4)  Presented without comment.  UGHHHH I wanna comment so bad.  I’ll refrain.

5)  Largest bass caught in Texas lake using McDonald’s chicken McNugget.  How long before the Bass sues McDonald’s for finding a fingernail in it’s McNuggets?  Pardon the Fox News, that was the first link to come up.

6)  Found a rear-wheel drive scrotum in Chicago last week:

7)  Y’all know I fucking love Pickleball.  Check out what I stumbled upon:

8)  This next one is sure to offend!  My dad left me a voicemail.  Somehow, “he’s looking for an Illinois based bank to buy with about $150 million in assets under management” became the following:

One of the partners at my firm is black so this deal could be perfect for us…

9)  With regard to the following, as the Meditative Mandarin put it, “I do enjoy how the liberal narrative on this is whipsawing just as much as Trump”:

10)  I recently heard a story about McDonald’s in which a child vomited in the play area ball pit and it mixed in with the balls such that no one noticed the issue for days.  Now you’ve got to ask yourself: what do you search for when looking for someone to fix the problem?  Do you hop on Craigslist and search for “Ball Cleaners?”  I’m guessing they’ll have a lot of 5 star and a lot of 1 star ratings…  Top ten items of the day, and that’s all, folks!

11)  But this posting goes up to eleven…  Donald Trump is the best example of why the abortion debate is all fucked up.  Are you pro-choice supporters seriously arguing about the timing cutoff for abortions?  If we could’ve just increased the cutoff from first trimester to allowing parents to abort their children up to the age of 13, Fred may have played his cards differently and today we wouldn’t be exiting the Paris Climate Accord like a bunch of myopic state schoolers.  On the plus side (see also: Amy Schumer), the Donald’s Accord antics have distracted the media at home from the Kushner-Russia ties and the obstruction of justice with Comey.  Can’t we get back to the real issues, like the Dakota Access Pipeline and it’s impact on the native Sioux?  Or should we drop it and just agree that apples (the Sioux) and oranges (the Donald) don’t mix?

Well, I’m back to work and to listening to my playlist.  Queen is #7 on the list: and if you look at this comment in a vacuum, it sounds more like Train.  I leave you with a product plug for my American-made finance/gaming friends:

Well, I just pounded one out and now I’m headed to rip a fatty while tearing one off.  Enjoy your weekend!

Risk: The Game Of Global Domination / Song of the Day (5/4/2017)

According to Wikipedia, Risk is a strategy board game of diplomacy, conflict, and conquest for 2 to 6 players.  The standard version is played on a board depicting a political map of the Earth, divided into 42 territories (let’s call these “American Territories To-be”), which are grouped into 6 continents.  Turn rotates among players who control armies of playing pieces with which (EXCELLENT grammar, Wikipedia) they attempt to capture territories from other players, with results determined by dice rolls (concept originated in North America following African expansion into U.S. territories).  Players may (and do) form and dissolve alliances during the course of the game.  The goal of the game is to occupy (and Americanize/Reaganize) every territory on the board and in doing so, eliminate the other players.

Let me hit you with the Song of the Day so you can follow along as I walk you through the game of Risk and how to bring democracy and civilized culture to the far corners of the world.  Today’s song of the day is Primo Victoria by Sabaton.  I recommend you watch at least parts of the music video once prior to continuing on.  So sit down, buckle up, and prepare to deliver liberty and justice on the back of Hellfire missiles to all.

Let me begin with the admission that I’ve never been a huge fan of Risk – as my reader(s yet?) knows, my attention span is microscopically short.  It’s what makes me such a pain in the ass to sit next to in quarterly board meetings.  If you ever get the chance, don’t sit next to me.  I’ve played the game maybe twice in my life, 12-14 years ago.  However, when a friend (and often thinly-veiled Risk ally) mentioned that Risk was available on Xbox back in January, I jumped on it like Trump on a ham wallet.  So, I gave the game another shot.  And HOLY FUCK was it fun.  Since then, I’ve played about 10 games of Risk and as I sit hunched over my computer before you today, I’ve CONQUERED 8 of those games.  How do I do it?  This may be a long post, so without giving you a Bush-style timeline, let’s find out:

  1. The game begins with the daft people of Microsoft (see: Windows 8, Halo MCC roll-out, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Edge, Bill Gates’ haircut) auto-selecting territories.  Also, set the game so you can move your armies across all contiguous territories, not just one territory at a time.  Germany conquered Poland in 3 days; that was 70 years ago.  We’re America in 2017, Mexico could be New-New Mexico by the end of Cinco De Mayo, tomorrow.  Your forces will be scattered throughout the map.  That’s fine.  Within the first few roles, the computer (or online competitor) will inevitably go for Australia.  Let them have it, they can sit there sucking on their two points all day long.  We don’t care.
  2. Upon your first role and turn, IMMEDIATELY START MOVING TROOPS TO NORTH AMERICA.  North America has INCREDIBLE natural boundaries – only 3 points of contact and it’s worth 5 points.  It’ll take you many, many turns to take North America so form an alliance with someone in Europe and South America and let it be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR that North America is yours and you’re not afraid to use the nuclear option on anyone who gets in your way.  Let one, or preferably two individuals take South America so they can fight among each other and deplete their resources.  South America is good at that.  If you can covertly plant the seeds of hyperinflation in South America, that’s good too.  Continue taking one territory on each turn to build up cards.  Obviously, focus on territories where you have a 3 vs. 1 option.  Look at that, math is relevant again.
  3. Take North America.  By all means necessary, for the love of Reagan, take North America.  You’re now getting 5 points each turn.  Europe is worth 5, but it’s borders are impossible to defend.  Asia is worth 7 points but you wun into the same issue, it’s too difficult to defend and the guy sitting in Australia will constantly be in your ass taking a territory with each turn.
  4. Congratulations!  You’ve taken North America and are now the most powerful force on the map.  But there’s no time for dilly dally.  IMMEDIATELY institute the Monroe Doctrine.  According to Wikipedia, “The Monroe Doctrine was a U.S. policy of opposing European colonialism in the Americas beginning in 1823.  It stated that further efforts by European (or global, in our case) nations to take control of any independent state in North or South America would be viewed as ‘the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition toward the United States.'”  That’s fair, but COMPLETELY disregard the second part of the doctrine: “At the same time, the doctrine noted that the U.S. would recognize and not interfere with existing European colonies nor meddle in the internal concerns of European countries.”  This part does not apply to you because A) you’re North America and B) you said this does not apply to you.
  5. You’ve got North America tied down.  Wait a couple of turns (consider throwing down your cards) and communicate to your ally in South America (or to the two duking it out down there) that South America is now formally annexed property and it’s time for them to flee to Africa.  Then?  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR.  Within the cozy of confines of your previously announced (read: implemented) Monroe Doctrine, send every infantryman, cavalry, tank, drone, blackhawk, F-22, X-35, destroyer, nuclear sub, aircraft carrier, and B-2 bomber into South America.  Straight through the belly of the beast.  While maintaining units in Eastern Russia (not Alaska, but blocking Alaska) and Iceland, park your forces in Brazil along the border with Africa.  You’re now earning 7 points a turn with only 3 touch points, and access to multiple territories such that you can now take a single territory with each turn, earning another card.
  6. Tell everyone on the map that you’re pragmatic and happy to make deals.  Make a deal with Africa.  Then after a few turns, decide that you don’t make deals, throw down your cards, and enter Africa with the force of a 1,000 hydrogen bombs.  You’re now heavily exposed to Europe and Asia but by this time, other players will have been weakened from within morally, spiritually, and economically.  The timing of this final push is extremely important.  Hopefully you’ve killed off ~2 players through these campaigns and have taken their cards prior to them throwing down.  Throw down your cards again, and take Europe.  Marching to Australia spreads you too thin unless you’re closing in from both Eastern Russia and Africa.  From there, to paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, this table is yours.

And that’s it!  There’s 2-3 hours definitely not wasted.  You’ve conquered the world and brought American values/food to the far reaches.  Bring with you this image so people understand what we’re all about:

Speaking of wasted time, I’ve been sitting in a restaurant eating Freedom Fries while the mechanics are working on my car next door.  Needed a new Control Arm and Ball Joint on my ride.  Expensive fix, but I go home with a new appreciation for arm jobs and BJs.  Currently sitting across from a cute couple and their larger friend.  Always frustrating when you see a couple out having fun but stuck hanging out with a third tire.

Finally, came across the following water towers which reminded me of Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) in Naked Gun.

One final thought: rather than the electoral process in the U.S., why don’t we simply let our politicians play Risk to determine the most eligible candidate to run our country?  Reagan be with you.

Ohio is for Lovers…and Crippling Economic Realities

It’s not often you get to drive through Ohio and bear witness to humanity’s shortcomings.  Who drives through Ohio.  But when you do make it to the state that’s fatter and not nearly as tall as you think, the experiences stick with you like Cleveland and it’s crippling 40 year recession.  However, to begin, one must admit that Ohio does have some interesting shit, namely food.  Last night I ate at Melt Bar and Grilled and enjoyed the Wet Hot Buffalo Chicken:

Oh my gosh, this is one of the best sandwiches I’ve had.  But like any good high, there’s an equivalent low not far behind it.  This morning, I woke up, made it 30 feet to the bathroom in about 4 steps, slammed the “Play Like a Champion Today” sign above my bathroom door, and mounted the throne with unapologetic fury.  What was to come is for my private enjoyment only.  However, I’ll note that you would not be wrong to make the comparison to Moses parting the Red Sea.  Don’t drink the water in Lake Erie for a while.

I’ve always felt that the great people of Ohio suffer from bouts of hubris, although not NEARLY to the same extent as Bostononians.  Fuck you, Boston.  Your city is tiny, your infrastructure sucks, your welfare system is in disarray, your reliance on sports is laughable, and your loss in prominence to New York brings me boundless joy.  You did this to yourself.  Anyway, the whole “O-H…I-OOOOO” thing has to be stopped.  You’re tying your self importance to a FUCKING PUBLIC COLLEGE SPORTS TEAM.  Don’t you have anything else on which to hang your hat?…

Well, add insult to injury because I came across the following the other day:




The people (and unfortunately, voters) of this state manage to find a new way to embarrass themselves each time I visit.  It’s like they’ve hidden an RFID tag on my car and each time I enter beneath the:


the citizens of the state jump in a group chat and figure out how they’re going to humiliate themselves next.  When they’re not shaming themselves, they’re abusing the welfare system like it’s NBD.  Here’s a guy on a rather unique vehicle that had a handicap sticker:


I don’t know about you, but the handicapped people I know tend to not throttle around on the back of a motorcycle in a leather jacket and matching boots.

OH SNAP!!!!  I nearly forgot.  Fuck me, I’m always forgetting to celebrate feminism on this blog.  First the woman’s march, then the woman’s strike, and now this:


They’re called secretaries.  Get it right or pay the price (HUGE throwback to Salute Your Shorts from the early nineties here; I expect a handjob from at least a few of you after making this connection).  Speaking of bad names:

What do we have here?  We have an article on a state senator named Frank Artiles (aka Fart Projectiles) written by a undoubtedly blonde-haired Hitler youth who got her “degree” in journalism from Camp Flowers.  Keep student debt levels exceedingly high, major in journalism.

Thought I bumped into Kurt Russell last night:



Before I forget, to all my bad hombres in finance who’ve begun to create the next generation of financiers, there’s a Powerwheels-like Rolls Royce that you need to get your children, now.  Don’t let your children fall behind in this new global economy.  Buy them the Rolls, forbid them from anything to do with journalism or Boston.  They’ll be better people for it.



And finally, we arrive at the end of this aimless rant.  Arrested Development.  Likely a hair above (Stan Sitwell’s always had a wild hair to buy this business, it’s the only hair he’s got…what, he’s an alpaca!) Seinfeld, and on equivalent ground with the original (but revised format) British Top Gear.  Here’s an Arrested Development reference you’ll all appreciate:


“Your father says he wants me to go all the way to Fallujah.  I thought he meant the sex act, that’s so popular with your generation” – Lucille Bluth

Hot Sauce, Home Eats, and Hymens (and Arrested Development)

Bitch, please…  I’ve wanted to say that all day.  You all need to go out and buy this Walkerswood Jonkanoo Seriously Hot Jamaican Pepper Sauce.  Pretty hot at first but as you get half way through the bottle on day two or three, you’ll get used to it and fall in love.

Last night, I used some of this stuff on the following dish made with frozen chicken breast, lasagna-style pasta, frozen veggies, yellow mustard, and the hot sauce.  Sprinkled with excessive amounts of oregano because that’s how we do in high finance.  See photo below:

And with this dish, I graduate from “cook” to “chef.”  I don’t mind if my readers steal my recipe, although I am accepting gratuities via Venmo.  Hit me up, bro.

Oh!  I promised you a hymen reference:

Does anyone else share my concern that if we don’t heed Hyman’s prophetic warnings, we risk a messy blowup in an Eastern Asian society already short on Hymans?  Or would someone like to take the other side of the argument and tear Hyman a new one?  You know what they say, there’s only one rule in finance: buy when there’s blood on the sheets.  Period.

Was in Los Angeles last weekend where I believe they recently legalized Mary Jane.  During my visit, I took an Uber from an hombre with the following name:

I knew California had a massive problem with Dro coming over the boarder…  Dro over the boarder begets more Dro over the boarder.  #MAGA (although seriously, Trump is just an assclown in shit eater’s clothing).  I also spotted this car while in Los Angeles:

Best. Car. Ever.  Makes me want to go home and watch Blues Brothers rather than sit here at the office and procrastinate on the blog, musing about cheap eats and attacking Hyman while I daydream about…attacking Hymen.

Oh snap!  I nearly forgot about the Arrested Development quote I found today:

And the reference:

It’s not like I’m saying I KILLED EARL MILFORD.

And I leave you with a memorandum for a company we considered buying for all of two minutes.  Something doesn’t seem quite right with the data in the below:

And it seems the management team really, really, really likes men:

1965 Ford Mustang Fastback

Watched Bullitt (1968 with Steve McQueen) for the first time this weekend and fell in love with his car (1968 390 V8 Ford Mustang GT fastback (325 hp) with four-speed manual transmission) and the man all over again.  If any of you haven’t seen this movie – it’s WELL worth your time.  The chase scene through San Francisco is insanely original and very memorable.  As well, watched Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969 with Paul Newman and Robert Redford) for the first time and I have to add it to the list of top Westerns.  Very well done.  Also saw Shane which wasn’t quite as good as I had hoped but the movie still deserved its acclaim.

For those who aren’t familiar or care to read a basic overview of superchargers vs. turbochargers, this description is fantastic and easy to understand: Engineering Explained: The Pros And Cons Of Turbochargers Vs Superchargers.  Now, some car porn to whet your willies:

These photos were taken from eBay Motors and this amazing vehicle can be had for $44,900.  Blue and white (or perhaps black with gold stripes) may be a better color, but the red is still majestic. 

Today’s fun fact: the surface area of human lungs ranges from 600 to 900 square feet!

Today’s Prolonged, Unconfortable Eye Contact (5/25/2016)

Starting what may be a new thread theme here.

Today’s prolonged, awkward moment occurred shortly after work.  Walking home and a massive thunderstorm was rolling into the city.  I was coming up to an intersection when the wind gusted to 40+ MPH and ripped my Brooks Brothers umbrella clean off the handle.
The rich, mahogany handle was fine, resting in my tightly clenched fist.  But alas, the umbrella, cloth and pole (sans handle), went barreling into the side of a white Lexus sitting in traffic not thirty feet away.  The driver looked at me, looked at the umbrella, and stared at me as I rushed over to capture it and view the extent of the property damage.  It was at this time the umbrella shot toward me, then went back and slammed into the Lexus side paneling for a second round of fun.  The entire time, the man at the wheel never lost eye contact.

Then, the umbrella sputtered back behind the Lexus, latched onto the front grill of the green Land Rover behind the Lexus, and with the help of a strong gust, climbed the front of the Land Rover, side over side, and made it atop the windshield and sat there, squarely in the center of the windshield, for a solid five seconds.  It was at this point that my eyes left those of the man in the Lexus and shifted toward the piercing glare of the man in the Land Rover.

The umbrella then fell sideways, and with another gust, slammed into the driver side door before I was able to viciously bury my foot into the spine of the thing.  I’d say those fifteen seconds of chasing down the umbrella without losing eye contact with two very pissed off individuals were the highlight of my day.  Brooks Brothers prides itself on the quality of its products.  I’d rather lick the floors at a Lumber Liquidators than buy another gimmicky piece of shit from Brooks Brothers.

Reagan be with you.