Song of the Day (9/7/2018)

But before I begin, this:

Yes, China’s richest man and eternally adorable Mogwai, Gizmo could leave Alibaba in the near future. For the sake of keeping Geofredo Bezos busy and honest, hope that doesn’t happen. I side with Alibaba – we need to keep Amazon’s American imperialist aggressors at bay.

The song of the day. I may have shared this one before but it’s too good to not share again. It’s Disco Inferno by The Trammps.

Now, here are some license plates, bumper stickers, and signs from recent travels for your feigned enjoyment:

(I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley)

Bonus points to Arch Stanton for finding these gems:

Apologies for the grab bag of random shit in this posting. Remember to keep shopping Alibaba – we need to put food on the table for Jack Ma. Just nothing after midnight.

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Cross- and Intra-Asset Correlations are Plummeting…

Volatility is skyrocketing. VIX…soar, like Eagle. The 30 year bull market in fixed income is coming to an abrupt end. Trade wars on a global scale are looming. Currencies and hard assets are getting thrashed. The 10 year bull market in equities has already baked in a massive tax cut and is running out of steam. Recession on the horizon. Prospects are bleak. Correlations are down.

It’s becoming a stock picker’s market…

Daddy’s gotta go to work.

In other news…God!:

Great bumper sticker. Wonderful. It NEVER gets old.

This post is brought to you by:

Even if your Kumho has a lot of mileage, you’ll still feel comfortable letting your family ride that rubber.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: The Most Ambitious Crossover in History

1

Hey have you heard there’s a new “Avengers” movie? It was pretty easy to miss, since it’s only been E V E R Y W H E R E for the past two months leading to it’s record-breaking opening weekend. Suck it “Titantic”! Part of the endless parade of promotions for the movie about CGI’d superheros fighting a CGI intergalactic bad guy is repeatedly calling this film, “the most ambitious crossover event in history”, which seems a bit presumptuous if you ask me. What about that other time Marvel made an “Avengers” movie? Or the time they made those “Marvel vs Capcom” videogames? Or the time “Friends”, “Mad About You” and “Seinfeld” all had a TRIPLE crossover about a blackout in New York City? (Do you not remember this episode of “Seinfeld”? It’s because NBC ordered it, and the other two shows fell in line, while the writer’s on “Seinfeld” entirely ignored it.) What about the time THE DONALD hung out with Grimace in a McDonald’s commercial? These were all mighty fine examples, but I can think of one property ripe for a crossover. Without further ado, here is the dumbest thing you will read this week….

“GEICO SPOKESMEN: INFINITE MASCOTS”

[SCENE: A nondescript strip mall in small-town, located between a Chinese buffet that apparently has a half-off special everyday and the last remaining roller disco in the Western hemisphere. Night has fallen, but there’s a large table towards the back of the office, visible from the parking lot due to the lights illuminating the conference room.]

2

GECKO: [In a faux-…British? Australian? accent, it doesn’t matter you’re already doing the voice in your head] I have gathered all of you here today in the Geico Fortess of Solitude in order to address rumors of destruction and chaos in which we have never seen. We have faced formidable foes in the past – last year, we were nearly capsized fighting off Flo, and only at the last minute able to banish her to the Phantom Zone by bundling home and auto insurance together. We…

3

CAMEL: GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS?

4

PINWHEEL PIG: Knock it off, Camel. Let’s get to it Geico – I got a blonde on a jet ski to get back to in order to make everyone very uncomfortable with the suggested implications.

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“DID YOU KNOW…” GUY: Did you know… today is Monday, and you are a one-joke mascot Camel?

PINWHEEL PIG: Uncalled for. We are all just as valuable to Geico’s ever-expanding marketing footprint.

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ODDLY-GROWING WEIGHTLIFTER: HULK SMAAAAASH!!

“DID YOU KNOW…” GUY: Did you know… this commercial makes my penis recede into my stomach every time I see it?

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WHATEVER THESE ASSHOLES ARE SUPPOSED TO BE: [plays twee chord]

GECKO: We’re going off the rails, people. Focus. We need an organized plan, throwing everything we’ve got at this next…

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EASILY OFFENDED CAVEMAN: Are you going to tell us what this is or what? This is an unwieldy platform for a movie because we have to split a movie among a dozen-plus characters while establishing their motivations or character growth, all while telling a coherent story. This is a big ask, even for the sharpest among us. Isn’t that right? [gestures to his left]

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MONEY-WITH-EYES: [continues staring vacantly]

[rest of table nods in solemn agreement to the endless reserve of wisdom dispelled by Money-With-Eyes]

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THIS MAYONNAISE-EATING MOTHERFUCKER: Wise words indeed, Money-With-Eyes. We all remember this strategy when we defeated Erin Esurance and relegated her to a life of fan-made hentai porn (NOTE: https://priceonomics.com/how-esurance-lost-its-mascot-to-the-internet/)

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MISCHIEVOUS WOODCHUCKS: Aww hell yeah! We totally remember Rule 34-ing that dirty slut into 4chan. We ARE naughty beavers after all! [high-five each while the rest of the room groans, with some cloying steel guitar and tiny guitar fiddling amongst the noise]

ODDLY-GROWING WEIGHTLIFTER: [takes the guitars and smashes them through the table like John Belushi in “Animal House”]

“DID YOU KNOW…” GUY: Did you know… I have been DYING to do that forever now?

GECKO: [over the noise] We need to focus! We all need to get on the same page as soon as possible before… [thunder cracks and light illuminates the dark parking lot, the smoldering husk of a hatchback suddenly folded up. Mayonnaise-Eating-Motherfucker mouths, “my ride…”. A second burst of lighting fills the sky with only a shadow visible in the front window]

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Arch Stanton Guest Post: Worst Fictional Towns to Live In

Do you ever get the feeling of resentment for your current place of residence? Traffic sucks, or shitty grocery stores, or sub par transport, or that weird homeless guy that is VERY opinionated on “the Zionists”? I find myself whining frequently in my Stepford Wives-ass suburb, but then I will watch a show and think, “well, shit it’s not THAT bad now that I think about it.” Without dragging this half-assed premise out further…

Gotham (Batman) – Obviously the first, so let’s just get it out of the way. Assuming you aren’t Batman (and you certainly aren’t because you’re wasting your time reading this), Gotham would be TRASH. The police force is nonexistent. It’s almost entirely rundown – do you ever recall seeing the “nice” parts of Gotham? The primary field of employment is “henchmen”. There are dozens of bad guys who are essentially domestic terrorists just constantly waiting patiently for their turn to blow up a school or hospital. On top of all of this, Constitutional rights are repeatedly trodden on. Batman is a vigilant who acts as judge and juror and, while he may not murder you (like everyone else in the town will), he will beat the piss out of you. Again, this is the GOOD GUY. Gotham in real life would be like Detroit but populated with the Son of Sam, Osama bin Laden, the villain from the Saw movies, the Zodiac Killer and like, a baby boomer who was really into crossword puzzles.

The worst part of all of this is Robin – put some goddamn pants on, kid. All these people/criminals live in this city most likely because this is their rock bottom, suggesting a far higher density of child predators/molesters than a normal city, and this idiot is wrestling them in his underwear.

Angel Grove (Power Rangers): Do you remember Power Rangers? Five ethnically diverse teens from an idyllic suburb put on outfits to fight guys in rubber suits/aliens from outer space and their henchmen; the Power Ranger gain an upper hand; the enemies up the game by jumping hundreds of feet into the air into their monstrous robots, where they fight again, but this time the teens are in robot-dinosaurs or some shit, until they form a robot-dinosaur-robot. When you really distill it to its essence, it’s a terribly bland and repetitive show, but when you were eight this was the fucking SHIT. ROBOT-DINOSAURS FIGHTING ALIENS!

You don’t want to live here because the insurance premiums alone would just be outrageous. Turns out, fights between monsters a dozen stories tall are bad for resale values.

Sunnydale (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): In a cosmetic sense, Sunnydale is basically the same town as Angel Grover. The only difference is Sunnydale is, unfortunately, on top of an area known to vampires, the undead, and various other demons as “Hellmouth”. Shockingly, you probably don’t want to live near Hellmouth, a literal portal to hell responsible for spreading darkness and all that presupposes across the regular world.

The premise of the show is a high school girl is a slayer, which is basically a super badass responsible for whooping the ass of all these demons while going to high school and maintaining a social life; “high school is Hell, but literally”. With all the vampires, I imagine the price of garlic in this town is RIDICULOUS. People must resort to throwing garlic bread and over seasoned Olive Garden as alternatives.

Dreadfort (Game of Thrones): To be clear, I don’t want to live in any part of Westeros – a land torn apart by generations of war, with vasts swaths of the population impressed into armies or reduced to homeless wanders, or just straight-up bandits. All the cities risk coming under siege, men being tortured or sent to die in fruitless battles while women can become prostitutes or (double checks notes) … whores. Yikes. The only good place to live would be Sunspear in Dorne. You’d still end up poisoned or with your skull dashed on the bricks of a faraway land, but… the wine and weather seem pretty neat.

Despite the lack of habitability of the entirety of Westeros (Essos isn’t much better – you are a slave, which would be bad, or a slave master who is about to be murdered ruthlessly, which also seems pretty bad), Dreadford has to be the worst. Consider: all the shit-ass weather of Winterfell, without being the seat of power or housing the ruling family, the lack of, ya know, ANYTHING like most of the North, with the addition of TONS of torture. Living anywhere in Westeros is like getting hit in the dick with a whiffle ball bat, but living in the Dreadford would be like getting hit in the dick with a whiffle ball bat covered in spiders.

New York City (dozens of films and shows, but let’s go with Gossip Girl): A serious lack of privacy, perpetually crowded, exorbitant real estate costs, and unending waves of people who are are obnoxiously pretentious or horribly delusional (checks notes) ahh I see people actually choose to live in this real-life butthole. It smells all the time, people are always touching me, and I have to take public transportation. Get all the fucking way out of here with that bullshit.

Bedrock (Flintstones): The dinosaurs would be fun, and checking out Wilma all the time would be great (‘sup girl), but c’mon, am I expected to use MY FEET to get around, and perform MANUAL labor? I don’t know if there’s an equivalent to “white guilt” for dinosaurs subjected to singular monotonous tasks, but I would be wracked with whatever-you-call it making dinosaurs eat rocks in the sake of neolithic capitalism. THERE ARE NO ETHICAL CONSUMERS IN CAPITALISM, FRED.

Maine (any Stephen King novel): Maine, in real life, is great. Maine in a Stephen King novel means you are about to get the everloving-shit haunted out of you by a dead pet or child. If you have anything in common with me, you are total chickenshit and scared of the basement with the lights off, unexpected knocks on the front door, dead bugs, and the idea of r/creepypasta. I would be one of the first deaths where the townspeople start to think, ‘hmm that’s unusual’ but still elect to do nothing while the terror escalates. Unrelated, Stephen King novel’s are lame, and you are lame if you enjoyed them.

Arch Stanton Guest Posting: BACHELORETTE CAST 2018

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS?!?!?!? It’s time to embrace our/my inner cattiness and get judgy on people far more handsome than me! Let’s ignore all the anti-bully campaigns and make fun of some people who decided to embarrass their parents in public on television instead of in private like the rest of us!

In case you forgot (you almost certainly did), our soon-to-be-unlucky in love Bachelorette is Becca Kufrin won last year with Arie, in the sense she didn’t actually have to marry the most boring human being who ever lived. She was originally selected by Arie to be his wife-to-be, and then he decided instead to propose to a piece of unseasoned-tofu that had developed human trait (she goes by Lauren). So here we are with Becca who gets to try one decent asshole out of a flock of dudes who can afford to take four months off from their “jobs”.

For reference, this is what I said about Becca prior to the last season – “She mentioned her favorite movie is Sister Act 2, and then calls the Sister Act 2 soundtrack her favorite album. Not Sister Act, but Sister Act 2. This is a woman who knows what she’s about, and I respect the hell out of it. Her bucket list includes owning a dog – YOU DON’T “OWN” A DOG BECCA YOU BEFRIEND THEM. Other than her questionable perspective here, she looks like she would like a huge hairy dog, so needless to say, she is my favorite so far.”

Let’s get into our 28 lovable scamps!

Alex: Construction Manager from Atlanta, Georgia. He likes boating, which is the most Georgia thing. You aren’t considered a man in Georgia until you go through the right of passage of being arrested for operating a boat under the influence.

Blake: Sales Rep from Bailey, Colorado. He looks like a douched-up version of Johnny Manziel, which is a true feat. Believes in order to truly be in love, both people need to be independent, which is a roundabout way of saying he is a big fan of Dionne Warwick’s “Two Ships Passing in the Night”.

Chase: Advertising VP from Sanford, Florida. OOHOHOH this dude looks so punchable. He looks like if Zorro was into trying to pick up your mom at a bar.

Chris: Sales Trainer from Orlando, Florida. Looks like if the guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” got a hold of Ron Perlman. Originally from New York but relocated to Florida to go to college, Chris personifies the worst America has to offer.

Christian: Banker from San Diego, California. He lists banker as his occupation as if he’s going to trick us into thinking he’s leveraging deals for Goldman Sachs, but he’s really just a teller at a regional credit union. Originally from Mexico and considers himself a natural athlete, but is afraid of spilling something on himself in front of a date. So in other words, probably not that great of an athlete.

Christon: Former Harlem Globetrotter from Los Angeles, California. FORMER HARLEM GLOBETROTTER?!?! That’s gotta be the coolest job of the season. His profile says, “now a professional dunker in LA, Christian hopes finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay-up” – so does he currently play for the Harlem Globetrotters or not? He’s covering for gaps in his resume.

Clay: Pro Football Player from Chicago, Illinois. I looked up to see if he actually plays for the Chicago Bears (he doesn’t), but he did play for the Eagles, Jaguars, Patriots, Lions and Saints; in other words, he made a real impact everywhere he went. He lists himself as a free agent, but he really means he has yet to accept the reality he isn’t playing football professionally anymore. He notes he doesn’t even curse! Well fuck him.

Colton: Former Pro Football Player from Denver, Colorado. Jesus two NFL players? At least this one is self-aware enough to identify himself as a “former” player. He’s profile is boring, but he used to date Aly Raisman, so we’re watching a real-life slide into irrelevance, starting with “NFL player” to “significant other of former Olympian” to “also-ran on the Bachelor”. He’ll probably do well here since he looks like if Blake Griffin was fully white.

Connor: Fitness Coach from St Petersburg, Florida. His profile states he “had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves before diving into his current profession”, like he could have been a highly paid athlete but instead opted to be a trainer at a gym instead. Nice try, Connor .

Darius: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep from Sherman Oaks, California. I can’t tell if his hairline is receding or if he has the biggest forehead on the planet. You could land a F35 on that thing. Says he’s a fun-loving Milwaukeean – why do all these assholes list a city but then say they’re from somewhere else? THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS DAMNIT.

David: Venture Capitalist from Denver, Colorado. David looks like he would be into tickling. I can also tell I will never make it on this show, because every person says they love fitness or exercise, and I could never say that with a straight face. Says he loves guacamole but hates avocado. You know what, fuck you David, fuck you.

Grant: Electrician from Danville, California. Claims he’s very sarcastic – you ever notice how people describe themselves as sarcastic like that makes them interesting in lieu of an actual personality and not the result of some crippling character defect they refuse to address? Anyway, looks like if a fourth grader tried to draw a picture of Matt Damon from memory.

Garrett: Medical Sales Rep from Reno, Nevada. Did you know some animals evolve with their eyes facing forward for depth perception to help with hunting, while others develop their eyes on the opposite side of their skull for greater range of vision against possible predators? Garrett looks like an antelope about to flee a leopard on the Serengeti is what I’m trying to say. He is also very proud of his Chris Farley impression – you know how one dildo always wear an outfit the first night? Garrett is definitely that dildo.

Jake: Marketing Consultant from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Looks like if Lord Farquaad from Shrek melted a little bit after being left too close to an open flame. He rides dirt bike and writes poetry. I will bet money he has fridge magnets with shit like “[drunk] [dog] [eats] [hotdog]”.

Jason: Senior Corporate Banker from Seattle, Washington. “A successful banker with a heart of gold!” (puke). “…rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills…” (PUKE). “…belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies…” (asphyxiates from all the puke like John Bonham or Keith Moon). Your mom’s favorite contestant.

Jean Blanc: Colognoisseur from Pensacola, Florida. What the hell is a ‘colognoisseur’, I’m sure you’re asking? I’m going to guess he works a cologne counter at a JCPenny that’s going out of business.He claims he has a large collection of cologne. A French guy who’s really into cologne – what women wouldn’t be into him.

Joe: Grocery Store Owner from Chicago, Illinois. In previous years, there were a bunch of answers to stock dating questions, but this year they just list two or three not-especially-informative sentences. They really robbed us from learning about our contestants favorite books (Harry Potter), music (country) and who they’d eat lunch with (Gandhi and dead grandfather). Anyway, Joe seems like he’ll do well.

John: Software Engineer from San Francisco, California. Likes wine tasting, playing guitar and making his world-famous banana bread. OH YEAH IF IT’S SO WORLD-FAMOUS HOW COME I’VE NEVER HEARD OF IT HUH JOHN. MY MOTHER MAKES THE BEST BANANA BREAD AND I’M SURE SHE HAS A THING OR TWO TO SAY ABOUT WHATEVER STEAMED LOAF OF GARBAGE YOU CALL ‘BREAD’.

Jordan: Male Model from Crystal River, Florida. Do you know where Crystal River, Florida is? It’s near NOTHING, so that means our pal has definitely wrestled an alligator and is familiar with at least one or two types of fraud. I bet Jordan does well until he has to actually say something.

Kamil: Social Media Participant from Monroe, New York. This is going to shock you but Kamil is a white guy, which is already the upset of the show. He lists his occupation as “social media participant.” I hope he is routinely shamed on those social media outlets for his trifflin’-ass bullshit of a listed career. I regret previously telling David to fuck off so emphatically when Kamil is the one who really deserves it.

Leo: Stuntman from Studio City, California. I was so prepared to make a joke about he looks like Jason Mamoa, but then it turns out he probably actually does that professionally. There are worst ways to go through life than “Jason Mamoa stand-in”. Prefers to keep his hair in a messy bun – I bet he gives Becca a messy bun hairdo of her own after a night in the Fantasy Suites if you catch my drift. /goes for high five

//misses

///falls down swinging

////rolls all the way down the stairs behind you

Lincoln: Account Sales Executive from Los Angeles, California. Named after Abraham Lincoln, but from Nigeria originally, which seems like an anachronism. Dude has a flat top in 2018, and that means he’s got nothing to lose. A true wild card.

Mike: Sport Analyst from Cincinnati, Ohio. If you are blessed enough to follow @PFTCommenter, this guy looks like the handsome version of him, like if Fabio ran a blog about minor league baseball. He likes festivals, horse races, state fairs and his bulldog, Riggins, named after the Friday Night Lights character. Because of the huge overlap between sports bloggers and Bachelor fans, everyone scrambled to find him after the cast announcement, to which he owned up to after responding, “when did they start letting nerds on this show?” I like Mike.

Nick: Attorney from Orlando, Florida. Wears his signature tracksuit, and proclaims a zest for life and the weekends. How original. Looks like Avicii in a funhouse.

Rickey: IT Consultant from San Diego, California. Wore a fucking bowtie with a track jacket to his picture, so either the ballsy person I’ve ever met, or the worst sense of style on the planet. Hipster fashion! Other than the incredible fashion, looks like DJ Khalid after a few months of Weight Watchers (/finger to ear piece) I’m told DJ Khalid has been on Weight Watchers for a few months already, and looks exactly the same. So let me update – DJ Khalid if the Weight Watchers actually worked.

Ryan: Banjoist from Manhattan, California. To start, you can’t be a banjoist from California. That’s cultural appropriation if I’ve ever seen it. I originally had a joke about how it’d be like if you played ukulele in Massachusetts, BUT HE ALSO PLAYS UKULELE AND IS FROM CAPE COD. Ryan is a tool, and way too tan to boot.

Trent: Realtor from Naples, Florida. Originally from Iowa, I was about to say Trent looks like the most normal person, but he immediately divulges he also models and has been on the cover of romance novels (note the plural!). Those have to be the either the most bawdy or most tame romance novels ever. (On second thought, all romance novels fall into one of these two categories).

Wills: Graphic Designer from Los Angeles, California. Lest you think I could POSSIBLY make a typo (I’ve read things I’ve posted – flawless, every single one with nary a typo or error or grammatical mistake!), his name is actually “Wills”. Wills likes Los Angeles, design and… HARRY POTTER. The Bachelorette editorial staff knows what we all came here for!

My final four – Alex, Colton, Joe, Leo, with Joe ultimately winning by actually losing. Darius. Jason or Jordan seem like good bets to be the season villain.

Arch Stanton Guest Posting: Most Edible Star Wars Character

PETA has a notorious billboard with a bunch of farm animals and pets in a row, asking where you draw the line between dinner and a pet? Obviously the answer is after the chicken but before the horse (I’ve eaten Ikea meatballs, so I’m even flexible on the horse — an incredible creature with a walnut for a brain that gets it’s shoes hammered on to it, stupid horses), but the big point is modern culture runs a bit fast and loose on what we eat. There isn’t much debate to it here in America (apologies to all our foreign readers), but this billboard happened to cross the tumbleweed-stricken recesses of my mind while staring vacantly at a television watching Star Wars for the infinite time, and I got to thinking. So without dragging it on further, it’s time for another Cracked-like humor-ish listicle counting from the least edible to the most delicious!
Jawas – Obviously the bottom of the list. What is a Jawa? It’s all hood without any glimpse to what’s under there. Could be cow-people full of delicious steak, could be skeletons with nothing edible at all there. This is more of a DNP than a true last place finish, but they do have that rad crawler to fall back on and a technical knowledge that suits them for employment by humans. Think a plow horse with IT experience.
Watto – If you don’t recall, Watto was the terribly anti-Semitic slave owner of Annakin. If you doubt me, consider the facts: greedy, oversized nose, greasy and sneaky, self-interested, cloying accent. Tell us how you really feel, George Lucas. Anyway, he is a large bug (you could probably add that to the list), and since this isn’t Andrew Zimmerman’s “Weird Eats”, I don’t want anything to do with Watto regardless of how much barbecue sauce you slather him in.
Greedo – Looks like someone in the middle of Kafka’s “Metamorphoris”. Gross.
Rancor – The scene where Luke defeats the Rancor in the pit, and escapes to fuck shit up on Jabba’s pleasure barge, leaving the Rancor-guarding orc crying over his dead body is the most affecting scene of all the Star Wars movies. This is indisputable. The Rancor is basically a weaponized raccoon, eating trash that falls in his cage and whatever dirty alien has pissed off Jabba. Looks too lean to have any substantial meat on those bones.
Jabba the Hutt – Someone once called him “loan shark king of Space Bakersfield”, and nothing has ever been more accurate. The meat would be fatty and greasy and would stink as you tried to fry it like bacon. I imagine Jabba is like stinky pork belly, which still sounds like we’re overselling him.
Jar Jar/Gungans – Range from lean and muscular to fatty, so we have some disparity in what we could expect. Seeing as how most of the Gungan army was leaner, we’ll go with that. This meat would be like alligator if you’ve ever had that, slimy/chewy undercooked chicken. Jar Jar was an abomination in the series, and would be an abomination in your kitchen as you struggle to think of a way to prepare “human-sized moron platypus.”
Wampa – The wampa was the yeti that tried to eat Luke in the ice cave for those of you with better things to do than look up the names of irrelevant Star Wars creatures. He (I’m assuming his gender, please do not contact the ACLU on me) looks like a yeti with a drinking problem due to that paunch he’s sporting. That same stomach suggests some good cuts of meat in their somewhere under all the fur.
Taun taun – This is what Han Solo uses for a sleeping bag in a blizzard, and his remark about how he thought they smelled bad on the outside makes me think this isn’t the finest cut we’re going to see in this universe. Taun tauns are basically space horses, and I would imagine they have the same consistency as Earth horses.
Chewbacca/Wookies – Sorry Chewie. Probably too muscular to be anything but gamey, but so far we haven’t seen many better options. He should be appreciative that his mild intelligence and capable handling of a weapon effectively deters anyone from pansearing a slice of his ass. Would be good in a stew I bet.
Ewoks – Here we go, getting to the good stuff now! I imagine little forest pigs, appropriately fatty if stringy. In “Return of the Jedi”, they are attempting to eat our heroes (definitely eyeing Chewbacca almost immediately), which is entertaining because in a parallel universe far, far away, but also in the past, these portly little shits are being sheered like sheep and carved like Easter hams. I see a lot of versatility here.
Bantha – The pack animals from Tatooine, basically space buffalo or bison, which is what I am here for. A hearty animal with a variety of cuts for whatever steak you may be into. There are some high-end locations on Coruscant where all the Senators get their 16-ounce Bantha steaks well-done as they try to impress their girlfriends or prostitutes as they hide from their wives stranded on their shitty home planets. In other words, whatever the space equivalent of a cowboy hat is what you’re looking for when you want a good Bantha steak.
Porgs – You knew this was coming. A fuzzy space chicken. Incredibly versatile with a large population to match, so you know people everywhere have a secret recipe for deep-fried hot pork, but when you mention “porg”, everyone thinks of the underwhelming fast food chain with a slave holder mascot. Looking at you, Watto-with-a-twirly-mustache-and-bolo-tie.
Admiral Ackbar – Did you know Admiral Ackbar is part of a race called the “Mon Calimari”? George Lucas teed us right up on this one! My only hangup here is that he could be one of those super poisonous fish that, if cooked incorrectly, kills you within an hour. So much potential here for a delicacy, but also the very real chance he turns out like calamari you would see on the buffet on a discount cruise ship. Buyer beware, but you could be treated to the meal of a lifetime.