Ricky Bobby Meets Bobby Mugabe / Song of the Day (11/20/2017)

Today’s song of the day is a shout-out to the nineties, a time when, confusingly enough, presidential rape culture was out and Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton was in (source: 105th United States Congress). It’s Ghetto Supastar by Pras.

Many of you are familiar with the character of Ricky Bobby in Will Ferrell’s Talladega Nights:

Now what you may not know, may surprise you. In yesteryear, Ricky Bobby would ride with his homeboy, Bobby Mugabe. Today, it may all seem like ancient lore, but Bobby Mugabe still carries the remnants of his…checkered past:

You can’t escape your heritage, Bobby Mugabe:

It’s in your blood! Speaking of tradition, who’s excited for some turkey and stuffing this holiday? Nahhh. Fuck it. Turkey is consistently dry and tastes like dog shit, but, it’s the holidays, so

Well, I’m off to look at vacation packages. Oh shit! Half off on cruises from New Orleans to Puerto Rico…and following hurricanes Nate and Maria, I’m guessing you can find a cruise offering door-to-door service… or is that not funny yet?

And finally, I found the following license plate which reminded me of the FPS Doug video from back in the day:

Congratulations! You’ve put up with my locker room talk for an entire posting! A second song of the day is Moving Mountains by The Brevet.

May The Reagan be with you.

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Article: Just to Be Clear, the Witch-King of Angnar was an Insignificant Volunteer in the Great Army of the Dark Lord Sauron

Here’s the link but the story is below:

Thank you for joining us today, Middle-earth media. I’d like to start today’s briefing by addressing the recent news of the Witch-King’s indictment. The Witch-King of Angmar was an extremely minor cog within the Ringwraith organization and has never had, nor currently has, a relationship with Lord Sauron. Despite all of the evidence to the contrary, please believe me when I say the Witch-King was basically an unpaid summer intern in Mordor during last year’s campaign.

Even though he and the other Ringwraiths are notoriously enslaved to the Nine Rings that Sauron holds in his possession, the Witch-King briefly advised the Dark Lord under his own free will. Similarly, I am giving this briefing of my own free will. Trust me, I am not currently trapped in a prison of my own mind.

The Witch-King was only ever present for one meeting and didn’t open his mouth to talk once during it. Technically, he doesn’t have a mouth anymore ever since he was turned into a scary, immortal nightmare creature. The recent charges filed against him have nothing to do with Lord Sauron’s extremely successful path to lordship, so stop searching for a connection between those two things. On that note, also stop bringing up the photograph of the Dark Lord and the Witch-King singing a karaoke duet together at the annual Mordor Christmas party. That photo is being taken completely out of context. There’s nothing wrong with two very casual acquaintances singing “I Got You Babe” together.

While the Nazgûl are technically the chief servants of the Dark Lord, the Witch-King’s involvement in that committee was purely advisory and hobby-like. He only attended one raid and barely participated. Sure, after the Nazgûl attacked Weathertop, several hobbits gave firsthand accounts of the Witch-King playing an active leadership role within the Ringwraiths at the time, but those are just lies propagated to weaken our evil party. So what if the Witch-King yelled, “I’m doing this for my Dark Lord!” as he stabbed Frodo Baggins with his Morgul-blade? He could’ve been talking about any number of Dark Lords. Leave Sauron out of this.

There’s simply no significance to the Witch-King’s position on Sauron’s most trusted advisory council. He was an insignificant volunteer. It’s not like the Witch-King is forever bound to the power of the One Ring and forced to be a servant under the complete dominion of Lord Sauron for all of eternity. What would give you that idea? Yes, he has served under Sauron for over 4,000 years, but that’s hardly any time at all in the grand scheme of things. He was just one in a large number of undead, evil consultants that have worked with the Dark Lord over time.

The two of them are barely even acquaintances! Plenty of folks have entered the realm of shadows over the years, it’s silly to say Lord Sauron has direct relationships with them all. He’s a very busy evil presence and has done an amazing job pushing the Middle-earth economy to new heights. The real news today should be Sauron’s impending tax plan, which will lower taxes for all rich hobbits and elves.

Today’s announcement has nothing to do with the Dark Lord. Please just let our power-hungry, malevolent god-king continue to shroud the world in darkness. He has taken political advice from millions of dark wizards, orcs, goblins, variags, and uruks. Just because the recently indicted Witch-King also happens be a known collaborator of Sauron doesn’t mean there’s anything suspicious going on here. At any rate, the real scandal, as we’ve said several times before, has nothing to do with the Witch-King. The real scandal is the Fellowship’s collusion with Saruman the White, which the left-wing media still refuses to report on.

How do you Drown a Hipster? (and Song of the Day)

Throw him in the main stream.

Check it, frozen spicy rice from TJ’s, chicken, tomato soup, goat cheese, and some seasonings.  Make it in bulk and it lasts days!

And for my finance friends boning up on their ampersands and abbreviations:

Nah, candidly, I opened this thing and it was painfully amateur.  I’d rather pinch my nugget pouch in a DVD case than read another page.

Today’s song of the day is Baba O‘Riley by The Ghost of Paul Revere. (The alternative video by the same band is arguably a better sound). LOOK AT THAT VIEW COUNT!  ADMIRE MY APPRECIATION FOR OBSCURE, UNDERGROUND ARTISTS?!?

Up Late Writing a CIM?

You’re just 10mg of addy away from that vFINAL!

Also, this two minute video (Everyone’s Upstairs Neighbor) should be required reading for all boys and girls entering the multi family housing world.  What shouldn’t be required reading, yet was required for a roommate back in my colleeeeege years:

Brought to you by the labor movement.  Like any movement, it smells a little funny at first but then rapidly turns to shit.

Most Ballin Uber Driver Ever and Other Potty Jokes

A) Sorry to block out the location info.  It is Uber, so she’s not in London.  It is not an UberBoat, so she’s not in Puerto Rico.  There is a functioning street lamp, so she’s not in North Korea.  She does speak English, so she’s not in Miami or SoCal.  She is driving, so she’s not in Saudi Arabia (for now).  She does like restaurants, so she’s not in the Upper East Side.

B):

Eh, fuck it.  Today’s song of the day is Movin’ Like Bernie by ISA.  Watch the video.

And finally:

This might be too gay even for the Hot Cops:

Oh and this:

And this complete sack of shit:

And finally, finally, they finally made a shirt for I-banking’s Technology, Media, and Telecom group:

About damn time.  These TMT guys labor harder than anyone else, had to fight to get to the top against all odds, and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  About damn time the world finally recognizes the TMT industry group for all the blood, sweat, and tears it took to make it on top.

Oh, and apparently I live in the same building as America’s next top starving actress:

…METAPHORICALLY, of course.  What are we if not self aware and intellectually honest?  Anyone hear of any casting calls for SuperSize Me 2.0?  Perhaps we can star her in a movie as a confused Helios, chasing a cheese curd across the sky.

Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!