Time is of the essence! Today’s song of the day is another great pump-up jam. It’s Summer Air by Italobrothers. Now for some photos of the week.
Obligatory Arrested Development shoutout as it’s been too long:
Awesome shoutout to Señor Jefe Bezos:
Shoutout to my boy Bruce Wayne and that Mexican chick from Black Widow or Americana Chavez or whatever: (she’s not that Mexican, mom, she’s my Mexican. And she’s Colombian or something – GOB)
GET IT INNNN!!!! Okay, this following photo really got my blood flowing. Guess which individual in the photo is the owner of this LinkedIn profile:
I’ll give you a hint: IT’S THE AWKWARD-AS-FUCK, SNIFFLING, WEASELLY SACK OF SHIT IN THE TOP RIGHT. Who does this on LinkedIn? Who. Does this.
And finally, the Manhattan GMAT has some pretty progressive views on how to best prepare for the exam:
I didn’t realize Manhattan GMAT has such a throbbing erection to send its dazed and confused students to the Haas School of Business at Berkeley. Are you picking up what I’m throwing down? Right on, brah.
As you are well aware, el Presidente’s latest scandal involves his putting his Cheeto-dusted penis where it doesn’t belong ala Bill Clinton, our substitute-teacher President. Like you, I have taken violent steps to avoid hearing about a man in his sixties being paddled by a washed-up pornstar with a magazine with his face on the cover while talking about how much his mistress reminds him of his daughter, but, if you couldn’t tell, I know far more than I ever wanted to know. In light of these traumatic details, what do we really know about the woman who has POTUS trembling in his children’s sized-8.5 velcro-Sketchers? Did you know she ran for the Senate in 2010 as a Republican, and her manager’s car was blown up during the campaign, possibly due to allegations from her camp that the sitting Senator had embezzled funds for a lesbian/bondage/prostitution/nightclub? More important than that sure-to-be-INSANE-story, what has Stormy Daniels’ more notorious career looked like, and what specific videos do you think Donnie has seen? This calls for an INVESTIGATION!
(So the idea came up, and it turns out Stormy has been in at least 151 movies, with 78 director/writing credits and 31 credits as herself, so let’s just look at movies for which she was nominated or won — there are still 42 of those, but a bunch are more body-of-work (pun intended) related than single performances so it’ll move faster than this introductory paragraph).
“Beautiful” (2004) – Could easily be confused for some French arthouse flick with such a bland name. How are you even suppose to know what kind of plowin’ to expect with a title like that? Trump skipped this, and I don’t blame him.
“Not A Romance” (2004) – Better, but still not telling us much. Sounds kinda like one of those corny parody movies from the early 2000s like “Not Another Teen Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”. Ugh, a porn parody of a parody film. Trump probably skipped over this one due to the “Inception”-level of layering involved to understand the premise, which would be fucking.
“Eternity” (2005) – Donnie definitely checked this one out due to the volume of awards it won. Best couples sex scene (with Randy Spears), best all-girl sex scene (with Jessica Drake) and best actress. Stormy went Meryll Streep on “Eternity” and really committed here. Knowing Trump’s proclivity for the best and most endorsed and most respected items, we could bet Donald Jr (not him, the other one) is familar with “Eternity”.
“Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre” (2005) – What the fuck is this? Pornography and power tools is a terrible combination (NOTE – not really!), but what is the audience for pornos and massacres? This warrants immediate inclusion on a half-dozen watch lists, right? “The girls are nice, and the penetration is great, but what it’s really missing is some dismemberment!” I guess Rule 34 continues to be validated.
“3 Wishes” (2006) – I am imagining a genie theme here, but it’s with the wishes of a thirteen year old so all the wishes involve getting laid. I get the idea that it would make for a terrible porno if the wishes were logical (“I wish for job stability! I wish for a loving wife and kids!”) but the premise already annoys me. If you’re going to wish to fuck a pornstar, at least pick an attractive one without weirdly bolted-on boobs. Trump would love this because he used his last wish on being President, and the monkey paw is starting to fold in its last finger.
“Taken” (2006) – Believe it or not, this movie came out two years before the infamous Liam Neeson vehicle, but I am choosing to live in the world where Stormy Daniels starred in Taken. “..but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career — now, take off those jeans!” Stormy Daniels bangs her way across Eastern Europe trying to rescue her kidnapped kid, and ultimately ends up living a gilded life on a weapon-trader’s yacht. I don’t remember much else about Liam Neeson’s “Taken”. Trump probably watched this.
“Operation: Desert Stormy” (2007) – Trump has yet to show much of an interest in the Middle East, so it’s unlikely he’s seen this, but I can confidently say George Bush has.
“Black Widow” (2007) – Another one where the title doesn’t tell us much. I’m picturing one of those adult films that tries to feature a complex thriller plot with a twist at the end that only the director could explain if you ply him with enough painkillers. It must be frustrating to have gone to college to direct and to end up zooming in on penetration, only to be phased out of that by horny frat dudes with handheld cameras. Like Picasso being reduced to selling Garfield prints in Central Park. J/K Jim Davis is the true star, and will one day receive his rightful place on Mount Rushmore after we chisel off that bum Lincoln.
“Heat” (2008) – Randy Spears makes his second appearance! I looked up Randy Spears because I have to know what a man with that alias looks like, and he looks like Jean Claude van Damme if he went into porn so, Jean Claude van Damme. “Heat” definitely sounds like a porno that was trying too hard. I say moderate chance the Donald saw this.
“The Wicked” (2009) – Vaguely erotic, probably a late night Showtime thing where it’s a lot of boobs but no other nudity or good stuff. Can you imagine Trump sitting in one of his hotel rooms with his pud in his hand waiting for THE GOOD STUFF only for the sheets to be pulled up or long shadows to be cast over the action? Trump’s seen “the Wicked”, and he hated the shit out of it.
“Whatever It Takes” (2010) – Wasn’t this a Spike Lee movie? Anyway, Stormy was nominated as the director for this one, so we probably don’t see her yams or vulva, so Donnie skipped this one too.
“Partly Stormy” (2010) – Oh yeah, here we go with the punny names! This is a great deal after Trump and Stormy had their alleged affair (2006), and while Stormy was undergoing her Senator campaign. Let’s pause for a moment as we place our right hand over our hearts and listen to “God Bless America” as we marinate in that last sentence. Middle of the road on likelihood he watched this one.
“Heart Strings” (2011) – Heart strings aren’t in the vagina (are they not? Mike Pence is a bit hazy on the subject), and it was another director nomination, so Trump skipped this too.
“Switch” (2013) – Best screenplay AND best director noms! I didn’t know either of these were a thing you could be nominated for in the adult film industry, but here we are, learning! I bet these awards on the ones they pass out before everyone gets to their seats and, ya know, passes out. No way he saw this.
I figured the names would be more, uhhh, “porn-y”, if that makes sense, and less mid-90s-thrillers. So what do we takeaway here? Nothing, really. Trump probably knows what Randy Spears’ dick looks like? The takeaway for me is “research before you just start writing some inane bullshit” and “Stormy Daniels isn’t very attractive for a pornstar”, and for you, the reader, a re-evaluation of your life choices that lead you to thinking about the President’s masturbatory habits for fifteen minutes.
Just a random collection of videos from arguably the greatest football player AND entertainer of all time. You’ll surely appreciate these:
- Manning Enjoying New Retirement Home
- Peyton Manning Opening Monologue at ESPYs 2017
- Peyton’s Super Bowl Party Gone Bad
- SNL Digital Short: United Way – SNL
- Peyton Manning Commercials Compilation NFL Ads (note that YouTube often removes the ad compilation videos so you may have to search for this, should the link not work).
Watch them, well worth your time!
What’s up, what’s up, WHAT’S UP! To all the new followers, thank you for joining this mediocre blog! To all the people who viewed the site and decided not to follow, fuck you, I hope you slam your nugget pouch in a DVD case.
Let’s get this party started with a little music, shall we? I highly, HIGHLY encourage you to watch the following video as it’s only a minute long and features North Korea’s finest, strutting their stuff to Stayin’ Alive by The Bee Gees. Please watch it. For my Chick-fil-A fans out there, you’ll enjoy this video and it’s only 90 seconds long. I recommend you turn the sound down on this one given the commentary is forced and lacking. Next. WHERE ARE ALL MY FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF FANS AT?!? I came across this gem in a Starbucks parking lot:
The sausage KING, of Chicago. Next story. And I may have shared this one before so please pardon me if that’s the case. I was traveling last Summer and stumbled across a lake-side restaurant called Kara’s Kountry Kitchen (aka KKK). Solid food and great scenery. All the trimmings, all the works. Just don’t expect to order the Blackened Fish. Okay, that was racist, but not nearly as racist as this:
Aggressive sign, especially for the healthcare sector. But as Stewie said, it’s good to have land. As you can see, I spent a night in the hospital and the hot water heater was massive! Nice not running out of hot water, although I did have to reduce the temperature as I was particularly gassy that evening and the the humidity was wafting the funk in a most unpleasant fashion. Word to the wise: always take cold, no-humidity showers when your busts stink like cow ass. This was partially my fault: I had nasty gas and explosive runs after a day spent munching on hospital food. To quote my bad-hombre Peachy Carnehan, I was shitting out tomorrow’s breakfast, tonight.
I’ll leave everyone with a final thought as they watch the North Korean Bee Gees song for the fourth time: many women (I’m including Ellen Pao in this bucket) will be quick to tell you that they make ~77 cents to the dollar for equivalent male work. Let’s dispel with this fiction that women don’t know what they’re doing. They know exactly what they’re doing. They’re undergoing a systematic effort to change workplace culture and make the office more like the rest of the world. To be clear, this 77% statistic IS FOR ALL WOMEN ACROSS ALL JOBS AND FAILS TO ACCOUNT FOR DIFFERENCES IN POSITION OR TITLE. One could point out that 16 year olds should make the same argument as their demographic makes considerably less than other peer groups. For the same job and same title, women make ~4% less than men.
And how do I live with myself knowing this fact to be true? Well, in a normally functioning society in equilibrium, people are paid (the “reward” or “return”) based on their contribution to the firm, accounting for the chance that they’ll leave and take with them these skills after significant financial investment by the employing firm (the “risk”). Women carry more risk given there’s an established history of having children (yes, men also carry this risk, albeit to a smaller degree based on empirical evidence) and leaving an employer after the firm has made a significant investment in the employee. But in life, EXPECTED RETURN IS PRICED BASED ON ANTICIPATED RISK. I’m ALL for equality within a logical, economic framework. But one could argue that if women want to make 100 cents on the male dollar, they should be willing to get spayed following the interview. Game. Set. Match.
Now I’m off to play with those fuzzy yellow balls.