Remember those pesky neighborhood villains who are constantly stirring the ire of our innocent, heroic, and totally #NOCOLLUSION protagonist?
Well, they’re back, and in real life form!
Remember those pesky neighborhood villains who are constantly stirring the ire of our innocent, heroic, and totally #NOCOLLUSION protagonist?
Well, they’re back, and in real life form!
Do you ever get the feeling of resentment for your current place of residence? Traffic sucks, or shitty grocery stores, or sub par transport, or that weird homeless guy that is VERY opinionated on “the Zionists”? I find myself whining frequently in my Stepford Wives-ass suburb, but then I will watch a show and think, “well, shit it’s not THAT bad now that I think about it.” Without dragging this half-assed premise out further…
Gotham (Batman) – Obviously the first, so let’s just get it out of the way. Assuming you aren’t Batman (and you certainly aren’t because you’re wasting your time reading this), Gotham would be TRASH. The police force is nonexistent. It’s almost entirely rundown – do you ever recall seeing the “nice” parts of Gotham? The primary field of employment is “henchmen”. There are dozens of bad guys who are essentially domestic terrorists just constantly waiting patiently for their turn to blow up a school or hospital. On top of all of this, Constitutional rights are repeatedly trodden on. Batman is a vigilant who acts as judge and juror and, while he may not murder you (like everyone else in the town will), he will beat the piss out of you. Again, this is the GOOD GUY. Gotham in real life would be like Detroit but populated with the Son of Sam, Osama bin Laden, the villain from the Saw movies, the Zodiac Killer and like, a baby boomer who was really into crossword puzzles.
The worst part of all of this is Robin – put some goddamn pants on, kid. All these people/criminals live in this city most likely because this is their rock bottom, suggesting a far higher density of child predators/molesters than a normal city, and this idiot is wrestling them in his underwear.
Angel Grove (Power Rangers): Do you remember Power Rangers? Five ethnically diverse teens from an idyllic suburb put on outfits to fight guys in rubber suits/aliens from outer space and their henchmen; the Power Ranger gain an upper hand; the enemies up the game by jumping hundreds of feet into the air into their monstrous robots, where they fight again, but this time the teens are in robot-dinosaurs or some shit, until they form a robot-dinosaur-robot. When you really distill it to its essence, it’s a terribly bland and repetitive show, but when you were eight this was the fucking SHIT. ROBOT-DINOSAURS FIGHTING ALIENS!
You don’t want to live here because the insurance premiums alone would just be outrageous. Turns out, fights between monsters a dozen stories tall are bad for resale values.
Sunnydale (Buffy the Vampire Slayer): In a cosmetic sense, Sunnydale is basically the same town as Angel Grover. The only difference is Sunnydale is, unfortunately, on top of an area known to vampires, the undead, and various other demons as “Hellmouth”. Shockingly, you probably don’t want to live near Hellmouth, a literal portal to hell responsible for spreading darkness and all that presupposes across the regular world.
The premise of the show is a high school girl is a slayer, which is basically a super badass responsible for whooping the ass of all these demons while going to high school and maintaining a social life; “high school is Hell, but literally”. With all the vampires, I imagine the price of garlic in this town is RIDICULOUS. People must resort to throwing garlic bread and over seasoned Olive Garden as alternatives.
Dreadfort (Game of Thrones): To be clear, I don’t want to live in any part of Westeros – a land torn apart by generations of war, with vasts swaths of the population impressed into armies or reduced to homeless wanders, or just straight-up bandits. All the cities risk coming under siege, men being tortured or sent to die in fruitless battles while women can become prostitutes or (double checks notes) … whores. Yikes. The only good place to live would be Sunspear in Dorne. You’d still end up poisoned or with your skull dashed on the bricks of a faraway land, but… the wine and weather seem pretty neat.
Despite the lack of habitability of the entirety of Westeros (Essos isn’t much better – you are a slave, which would be bad, or a slave master who is about to be murdered ruthlessly, which also seems pretty bad), Dreadford has to be the worst. Consider: all the shit-ass weather of Winterfell, without being the seat of power or housing the ruling family, the lack of, ya know, ANYTHING like most of the North, with the addition of TONS of torture. Living anywhere in Westeros is like getting hit in the dick with a whiffle ball bat, but living in the Dreadford would be like getting hit in the dick with a whiffle ball bat covered in spiders.
New York City (dozens of films and shows, but let’s go with Gossip Girl): A serious lack of privacy, perpetually crowded, exorbitant real estate costs, and unending waves of people who are are obnoxiously pretentious or horribly delusional (checks notes) ahh I see people actually choose to live in this real-life butthole. It smells all the time, people are always touching me, and I have to take public transportation. Get all the fucking way out of here with that bullshit.
Bedrock (Flintstones): The dinosaurs would be fun, and checking out Wilma all the time would be great (‘sup girl), but c’mon, am I expected to use MY FEET to get around, and perform MANUAL labor? I don’t know if there’s an equivalent to “white guilt” for dinosaurs subjected to singular monotonous tasks, but I would be wracked with whatever-you-call it making dinosaurs eat rocks in the sake of neolithic capitalism. THERE ARE NO ETHICAL CONSUMERS IN CAPITALISM, FRED.
Maine (any Stephen King novel): Maine, in real life, is great. Maine in a Stephen King novel means you are about to get the everloving-shit haunted out of you by a dead pet or child. If you have anything in common with me, you are total chickenshit and scared of the basement with the lights off, unexpected knocks on the front door, dead bugs, and the idea of r/creepypasta. I would be one of the first deaths where the townspeople start to think, ‘hmm that’s unusual’ but still elect to do nothing while the terror escalates. Unrelated, Stephen King novel’s are lame, and you are lame if you enjoyed them.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS?!?!?!? It’s time to embrace our/my inner cattiness and get judgy on people far more handsome than me! Let’s ignore all the anti-bully campaigns and make fun of some people who decided to embarrass their parents in public on television instead of in private like the rest of us!
In case you forgot (you almost certainly did), our soon-to-be-unlucky in love Bachelorette is Becca Kufrin won last year with Arie, in the sense she didn’t actually have to marry the most boring human being who ever lived. She was originally selected by Arie to be his wife-to-be, and then he decided instead to propose to a piece of unseasoned-tofu that had developed human trait (she goes by Lauren). So here we are with Becca who gets to try one decent asshole out of a flock of dudes who can afford to take four months off from their “jobs”.
For reference, this is what I said about Becca prior to the last season – “She mentioned her favorite movie is Sister Act 2, and then calls the Sister Act 2 soundtrack her favorite album. Not Sister Act, but Sister Act 2. This is a woman who knows what she’s about, and I respect the hell out of it. Her bucket list includes owning a dog – YOU DON’T “OWN” A DOG BECCA YOU BEFRIEND THEM. Other than her questionable perspective here, she looks like she would like a huge hairy dog, so needless to say, she is my favorite so far.”
Let’s get into our 28 lovable scamps!
Alex: Construction Manager from Atlanta, Georgia. He likes boating, which is the most Georgia thing. You aren’t considered a man in Georgia until you go through the right of passage of being arrested for operating a boat under the influence.
Blake: Sales Rep from Bailey, Colorado. He looks like a douched-up version of Johnny Manziel, which is a true feat. Believes in order to truly be in love, both people need to be independent, which is a roundabout way of saying he is a big fan of Dionne Warwick’s “Two Ships Passing in the Night”.
Chase: Advertising VP from Sanford, Florida. OOHOHOH this dude looks so punchable. He looks like if Zorro was into trying to pick up your mom at a bar.
Chris: Sales Trainer from Orlando, Florida. Looks like if the guys from “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” got a hold of Ron Perlman. Originally from New York but relocated to Florida to go to college, Chris personifies the worst America has to offer.
Christian: Banker from San Diego, California. He lists banker as his occupation as if he’s going to trick us into thinking he’s leveraging deals for Goldman Sachs, but he’s really just a teller at a regional credit union. Originally from Mexico and considers himself a natural athlete, but is afraid of spilling something on himself in front of a date. So in other words, probably not that great of an athlete.
Christon: Former Harlem Globetrotter from Los Angeles, California. FORMER HARLEM GLOBETROTTER?!?! That’s gotta be the coolest job of the season. His profile says, “now a professional dunker in LA, Christian hopes finding love with the Bachelorette will be a lay-up” – so does he currently play for the Harlem Globetrotters or not? He’s covering for gaps in his resume.
Clay: Pro Football Player from Chicago, Illinois. I looked up to see if he actually plays for the Chicago Bears (he doesn’t), but he did play for the Eagles, Jaguars, Patriots, Lions and Saints; in other words, he made a real impact everywhere he went. He lists himself as a free agent, but he really means he has yet to accept the reality he isn’t playing football professionally anymore. He notes he doesn’t even curse! Well fuck him.
Colton: Former Pro Football Player from Denver, Colorado. Jesus two NFL players? At least this one is self-aware enough to identify himself as a “former” player. He’s profile is boring, but he used to date Aly Raisman, so we’re watching a real-life slide into irrelevance, starting with “NFL player” to “significant other of former Olympian” to “also-ran on the Bachelor”. He’ll probably do well here since he looks like if Blake Griffin was fully white.
Connor: Fitness Coach from St Petersburg, Florida. His profile states he “had the opportunity to play professional baseball for the Atlanta Braves before diving into his current profession”, like he could have been a highly paid athlete but instead opted to be a trainer at a gym instead. Nice try, Connor .
Darius: Pharmaceutical Sales Rep from Sherman Oaks, California. I can’t tell if his hairline is receding or if he has the biggest forehead on the planet. You could land a F35 on that thing. Says he’s a fun-loving Milwaukeean – why do all these assholes list a city but then say they’re from somewhere else? THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS DAMNIT.
David: Venture Capitalist from Denver, Colorado. David looks like he would be into tickling. I can also tell I will never make it on this show, because every person says they love fitness or exercise, and I could never say that with a straight face. Says he loves guacamole but hates avocado. You know what, fuck you David, fuck you.
Grant: Electrician from Danville, California. Claims he’s very sarcastic – you ever notice how people describe themselves as sarcastic like that makes them interesting in lieu of an actual personality and not the result of some crippling character defect they refuse to address? Anyway, looks like if a fourth grader tried to draw a picture of Matt Damon from memory.
Garrett: Medical Sales Rep from Reno, Nevada. Did you know some animals evolve with their eyes facing forward for depth perception to help with hunting, while others develop their eyes on the opposite side of their skull for greater range of vision against possible predators? Garrett looks like an antelope about to flee a leopard on the Serengeti is what I’m trying to say. He is also very proud of his Chris Farley impression – you know how one dildo always wear an outfit the first night? Garrett is definitely that dildo.
Jake: Marketing Consultant from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Looks like if Lord Farquaad from Shrek melted a little bit after being left too close to an open flame. He rides dirt bike and writes poetry. I will bet money he has fridge magnets with shit like “[drunk] [dog] [eats] [hotdog]”.
Jason: Senior Corporate Banker from Seattle, Washington. “A successful banker with a heart of gold!” (puke). “…rooting for his hometown Buffalo Bills…” (PUKE). “…belting out tunes from his favorite Disney movies…” (asphyxiates from all the puke like John Bonham or Keith Moon). Your mom’s favorite contestant.
Jean Blanc: Colognoisseur from Pensacola, Florida. What the hell is a ‘colognoisseur’, I’m sure you’re asking? I’m going to guess he works a cologne counter at a JCPenny that’s going out of business.He claims he has a large collection of cologne. A French guy who’s really into cologne – what women wouldn’t be into him.
Joe: Grocery Store Owner from Chicago, Illinois. In previous years, there were a bunch of answers to stock dating questions, but this year they just list two or three not-especially-informative sentences. They really robbed us from learning about our contestants favorite books (Harry Potter), music (country) and who they’d eat lunch with (Gandhi and dead grandfather). Anyway, Joe seems like he’ll do well.
John: Software Engineer from San Francisco, California. Likes wine tasting, playing guitar and making his world-famous banana bread. OH YEAH IF IT’S SO WORLD-FAMOUS HOW COME I’VE NEVER HEARD OF IT HUH JOHN. MY MOTHER MAKES THE BEST BANANA BREAD AND I’M SURE SHE HAS A THING OR TWO TO SAY ABOUT WHATEVER STEAMED LOAF OF GARBAGE YOU CALL ‘BREAD’.
Jordan: Male Model from Crystal River, Florida. Do you know where Crystal River, Florida is? It’s near NOTHING, so that means our pal has definitely wrestled an alligator and is familiar with at least one or two types of fraud. I bet Jordan does well until he has to actually say something.
Kamil: Social Media Participant from Monroe, New York. This is going to shock you but Kamil is a white guy, which is already the upset of the show. He lists his occupation as “social media participant.” I hope he is routinely shamed on those social media outlets for his trifflin’-ass bullshit of a listed career. I regret previously telling David to fuck off so emphatically when Kamil is the one who really deserves it.
Leo: Stuntman from Studio City, California. I was so prepared to make a joke about he looks like Jason Mamoa, but then it turns out he probably actually does that professionally. There are worst ways to go through life than “Jason Mamoa stand-in”. Prefers to keep his hair in a messy bun – I bet he gives Becca a messy bun hairdo of her own after a night in the Fantasy Suites if you catch my drift. /goes for high five
///falls down swinging
////rolls all the way down the stairs behind you
Lincoln: Account Sales Executive from Los Angeles, California. Named after Abraham Lincoln, but from Nigeria originally, which seems like an anachronism. Dude has a flat top in 2018, and that means he’s got nothing to lose. A true wild card.
Mike: Sport Analyst from Cincinnati, Ohio. If you are blessed enough to follow @PFTCommenter, this guy looks like the handsome version of him, like if Fabio ran a blog about minor league baseball. He likes festivals, horse races, state fairs and his bulldog, Riggins, named after the Friday Night Lights character. Because of the huge overlap between sports bloggers and Bachelor fans, everyone scrambled to find him after the cast announcement, to which he owned up to after responding, “when did they start letting nerds on this show?” I like Mike.
Nick: Attorney from Orlando, Florida. Wears his signature tracksuit, and proclaims a zest for life and the weekends. How original. Looks like Avicii in a funhouse.
Rickey: IT Consultant from San Diego, California. Wore a fucking bowtie with a track jacket to his picture, so either the ballsy person I’ve ever met, or the worst sense of style on the planet. Hipster fashion! Other than the incredible fashion, looks like DJ Khalid after a few months of Weight Watchers (/finger to ear piece) I’m told DJ Khalid has been on Weight Watchers for a few months already, and looks exactly the same. So let me update – DJ Khalid if the Weight Watchers actually worked.
Ryan: Banjoist from Manhattan, California. To start, you can’t be a banjoist from California. That’s cultural appropriation if I’ve ever seen it. I originally had a joke about how it’d be like if you played ukulele in Massachusetts, BUT HE ALSO PLAYS UKULELE AND IS FROM CAPE COD. Ryan is a tool, and way too tan to boot.
Trent: Realtor from Naples, Florida. Originally from Iowa, I was about to say Trent looks like the most normal person, but he immediately divulges he also models and has been on the cover of romance novels (note the plural!). Those have to be the either the most bawdy or most tame romance novels ever. (On second thought, all romance novels fall into one of these two categories).
Wills: Graphic Designer from Los Angeles, California. Lest you think I could POSSIBLY make a typo (I’ve read things I’ve posted – flawless, every single one with nary a typo or error or grammatical mistake!), his name is actually “Wills”. Wills likes Los Angeles, design and… HARRY POTTER. The Bachelorette editorial staff knows what we all came here for!
My final four – Alex, Colton, Joe, Leo, with Joe ultimately winning by actually losing. Darius. Jason or Jordan seem like good bets to be the season villain.
Time is of the essence! Today’s song of the day is another great pump-up jam. It’s Summer Air by Italobrothers. Now for some photos of the week.
Obligatory Arrested Development shoutout as it’s been too long:
Awesome shoutout to Señor Jefe Bezos:
Shoutout to my boy Bruce Wayne and that Mexican chick from Black Widow or Americana Chavez or whatever: (she’s not that Mexican, mom, she’s my Mexican. And she’s Colombian or something – GOB)
GET IT INNNN!!!! Okay, this following photo really got my blood flowing. Guess which individual in the photo is the owner of this LinkedIn profile:
I’ll give you a hint: IT’S THE AWKWARD-AS-FUCK, SNIFFLING, WEASELLY SACK OF SHIT IN THE TOP RIGHT. Who does this on LinkedIn? Who. Does this.
And finally, the Manhattan GMAT has some pretty progressive views on how to best prepare for the exam:
I didn’t realize Manhattan GMAT has such a throbbing erection to send its dazed and confused students to the Haas School of Business at Berkeley. Are you picking up what I’m throwing down? Right on, brah.
As you are well aware, el Presidente’s latest scandal involves his putting his Cheeto-dusted penis where it doesn’t belong ala Bill Clinton, our substitute-teacher President. Like you, I have taken violent steps to avoid hearing about a man in his sixties being paddled by a washed-up pornstar with a magazine with his face on the cover while talking about how much his mistress reminds him of his daughter, but, if you couldn’t tell, I know far more than I ever wanted to know. In light of these traumatic details, what do we really know about the woman who has POTUS trembling in his children’s sized-8.5 velcro-Sketchers? Did you know she ran for the Senate in 2010 as a Republican, and her manager’s car was blown up during the campaign, possibly due to allegations from her camp that the sitting Senator had embezzled funds for a lesbian/bondage/prostitution/nightclub? More important than that sure-to-be-INSANE-story, what has Stormy Daniels’ more notorious career looked like, and what specific videos do you think Donnie has seen? This calls for an INVESTIGATION!
(So the idea came up, and it turns out Stormy has been in at least 151 movies, with 78 director/writing credits and 31 credits as herself, so let’s just look at movies for which she was nominated or won — there are still 42 of those, but a bunch are more body-of-work (pun intended) related than single performances so it’ll move faster than this introductory paragraph).
“Beautiful” (2004) – Could easily be confused for some French arthouse flick with such a bland name. How are you even suppose to know what kind of plowin’ to expect with a title like that? Trump skipped this, and I don’t blame him.
“Not A Romance” (2004) – Better, but still not telling us much. Sounds kinda like one of those corny parody movies from the early 2000s like “Not Another Teen Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”. Ugh, a porn parody of a parody film. Trump probably skipped over this one due to the “Inception”-level of layering involved to understand the premise, which would be fucking.
“Eternity” (2005) – Donnie definitely checked this one out due to the volume of awards it won. Best couples sex scene (with Randy Spears), best all-girl sex scene (with Jessica Drake) and best actress. Stormy went Meryll Streep on “Eternity” and really committed here. Knowing Trump’s proclivity for the best and most endorsed and most respected items, we could bet Donald Jr (not him, the other one) is familar with “Eternity”.
“Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre” (2005) – What the fuck is this? Pornography and power tools is a terrible combination (NOTE – not really!), but what is the audience for pornos and massacres? This warrants immediate inclusion on a half-dozen watch lists, right? “The girls are nice, and the penetration is great, but what it’s really missing is some dismemberment!” I guess Rule 34 continues to be validated.
“3 Wishes” (2006) – I am imagining a genie theme here, but it’s with the wishes of a thirteen year old so all the wishes involve getting laid. I get the idea that it would make for a terrible porno if the wishes were logical (“I wish for job stability! I wish for a loving wife and kids!”) but the premise already annoys me. If you’re going to wish to fuck a pornstar, at least pick an attractive one without weirdly bolted-on boobs. Trump would love this because he used his last wish on being President, and the monkey paw is starting to fold in its last finger.
“Taken” (2006) – Believe it or not, this movie came out two years before the infamous Liam Neeson vehicle, but I am choosing to live in the world where Stormy Daniels starred in Taken. “..but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career — now, take off those jeans!” Stormy Daniels bangs her way across Eastern Europe trying to rescue her kidnapped kid, and ultimately ends up living a gilded life on a weapon-trader’s yacht. I don’t remember much else about Liam Neeson’s “Taken”. Trump probably watched this.
“Operation: Desert Stormy” (2007) – Trump has yet to show much of an interest in the Middle East, so it’s unlikely he’s seen this, but I can confidently say George Bush has.
“Black Widow” (2007) – Another one where the title doesn’t tell us much. I’m picturing one of those adult films that tries to feature a complex thriller plot with a twist at the end that only the director could explain if you ply him with enough painkillers. It must be frustrating to have gone to college to direct and to end up zooming in on penetration, only to be phased out of that by horny frat dudes with handheld cameras. Like Picasso being reduced to selling Garfield prints in Central Park. J/K Jim Davis is the true star, and will one day receive his rightful place on Mount Rushmore after we chisel off that bum Lincoln.
“Heat” (2008) – Randy Spears makes his second appearance! I looked up Randy Spears because I have to know what a man with that alias looks like, and he looks like Jean Claude van Damme if he went into porn so, Jean Claude van Damme. “Heat” definitely sounds like a porno that was trying too hard. I say moderate chance the Donald saw this.
“The Wicked” (2009) – Vaguely erotic, probably a late night Showtime thing where it’s a lot of boobs but no other nudity or good stuff. Can you imagine Trump sitting in one of his hotel rooms with his pud in his hand waiting for THE GOOD STUFF only for the sheets to be pulled up or long shadows to be cast over the action? Trump’s seen “the Wicked”, and he hated the shit out of it.
“Whatever It Takes” (2010) – Wasn’t this a Spike Lee movie? Anyway, Stormy was nominated as the director for this one, so we probably don’t see her yams or vulva, so Donnie skipped this one too.
“Partly Stormy” (2010) – Oh yeah, here we go with the punny names! This is a great deal after Trump and Stormy had their alleged affair (2006), and while Stormy was undergoing her Senator campaign. Let’s pause for a moment as we place our right hand over our hearts and listen to “God Bless America” as we marinate in that last sentence. Middle of the road on likelihood he watched this one.
“Heart Strings” (2011) – Heart strings aren’t in the vagina (are they not? Mike Pence is a bit hazy on the subject), and it was another director nomination, so Trump skipped this too.
“Switch” (2013) – Best screenplay AND best director noms! I didn’t know either of these were a thing you could be nominated for in the adult film industry, but here we are, learning! I bet these awards on the ones they pass out before everyone gets to their seats and, ya know, passes out. No way he saw this.
I figured the names would be more, uhhh, “porn-y”, if that makes sense, and less mid-90s-thrillers. So what do we takeaway here? Nothing, really. Trump probably knows what Randy Spears’ dick looks like? The takeaway for me is “research before you just start writing some inane bullshit” and “Stormy Daniels isn’t very attractive for a pornstar”, and for you, the reader, a re-evaluation of your life choices that lead you to thinking about the President’s masturbatory habits for fifteen minutes.