Arch Stanton Guest Posting: Most Edible Star Wars Character

PETA has a notorious billboard with a bunch of farm animals and pets in a row, asking where you draw the line between dinner and a pet? Obviously the answer is after the chicken but before the horse (I’ve eaten Ikea meatballs, so I’m even flexible on the horse — an incredible creature with a walnut for a brain that gets it’s shoes hammered on to it, stupid horses), but the big point is modern culture runs a bit fast and loose on what we eat. There isn’t much debate to it here in America (apologies to all our foreign readers), but this billboard happened to cross the tumbleweed-stricken recesses of my mind while staring vacantly at a television watching Star Wars for the infinite time, and I got to thinking. So without dragging it on further, it’s time for another Cracked-like humor-ish listicle counting from the least edible to the most delicious!
Jawas – Obviously the bottom of the list. What is a Jawa? It’s all hood without any glimpse to what’s under there. Could be cow-people full of delicious steak, could be skeletons with nothing edible at all there. This is more of a DNP than a true last place finish, but they do have that rad crawler to fall back on and a technical knowledge that suits them for employment by humans. Think a plow horse with IT experience.
Watto – If you don’t recall, Watto was the terribly anti-Semitic slave owner of Annakin. If you doubt me, consider the facts: greedy, oversized nose, greasy and sneaky, self-interested, cloying accent. Tell us how you really feel, George Lucas. Anyway, he is a large bug (you could probably add that to the list), and since this isn’t Andrew Zimmerman’s “Weird Eats”, I don’t want anything to do with Watto regardless of how much barbecue sauce you slather him in.
Greedo – Looks like someone in the middle of Kafka’s “Metamorphoris”. Gross.
Rancor – The scene where Luke defeats the Rancor in the pit, and escapes to fuck shit up on Jabba’s pleasure barge, leaving the Rancor-guarding orc crying over his dead body is the most affecting scene of all the Star Wars movies. This is indisputable. The Rancor is basically a weaponized raccoon, eating trash that falls in his cage and whatever dirty alien has pissed off Jabba. Looks too lean to have any substantial meat on those bones.
Jabba the Hutt – Someone once called him “loan shark king of Space Bakersfield”, and nothing has ever been more accurate. The meat would be fatty and greasy and would stink as you tried to fry it like bacon. I imagine Jabba is like stinky pork belly, which still sounds like we’re overselling him.
Jar Jar/Gungans – Range from lean and muscular to fatty, so we have some disparity in what we could expect. Seeing as how most of the Gungan army was leaner, we’ll go with that. This meat would be like alligator if you’ve ever had that, slimy/chewy undercooked chicken. Jar Jar was an abomination in the series, and would be an abomination in your kitchen as you struggle to think of a way to prepare “human-sized moron platypus.”
Wampa – The wampa was the yeti that tried to eat Luke in the ice cave for those of you with better things to do than look up the names of irrelevant Star Wars creatures. He (I’m assuming his gender, please do not contact the ACLU on me) looks like a yeti with a drinking problem due to that paunch he’s sporting. That same stomach suggests some good cuts of meat in their somewhere under all the fur.
Taun taun – This is what Han Solo uses for a sleeping bag in a blizzard, and his remark about how he thought they smelled bad on the outside makes me think this isn’t the finest cut we’re going to see in this universe. Taun tauns are basically space horses, and I would imagine they have the same consistency as Earth horses.
Chewbacca/Wookies – Sorry Chewie. Probably too muscular to be anything but gamey, but so far we haven’t seen many better options. He should be appreciative that his mild intelligence and capable handling of a weapon effectively deters anyone from pansearing a slice of his ass. Would be good in a stew I bet.
Ewoks – Here we go, getting to the good stuff now! I imagine little forest pigs, appropriately fatty if stringy. In “Return of the Jedi”, they are attempting to eat our heroes (definitely eyeing Chewbacca almost immediately), which is entertaining because in a parallel universe far, far away, but also in the past, these portly little shits are being sheered like sheep and carved like Easter hams. I see a lot of versatility here.
Bantha – The pack animals from Tatooine, basically space buffalo or bison, which is what I am here for. A hearty animal with a variety of cuts for whatever steak you may be into. There are some high-end locations on Coruscant where all the Senators get their 16-ounce Bantha steaks well-done as they try to impress their girlfriends or prostitutes as they hide from their wives stranded on their shitty home planets. In other words, whatever the space equivalent of a cowboy hat is what you’re looking for when you want a good Bantha steak.
Porgs – You knew this was coming. A fuzzy space chicken. Incredibly versatile with a large population to match, so you know people everywhere have a secret recipe for deep-fried hot pork, but when you mention “porg”, everyone thinks of the underwhelming fast food chain with a slave holder mascot. Looking at you, Watto-with-a-twirly-mustache-and-bolo-tie.
Admiral Ackbar – Did you know Admiral Ackbar is part of a race called the “Mon Calimari”? George Lucas teed us right up on this one! My only hangup here is that he could be one of those super poisonous fish that, if cooked incorrectly, kills you within an hour. So much potential here for a delicacy, but also the very real chance he turns out like calamari you would see on the buffet on a discount cruise ship. Buyer beware, but you could be treated to the meal of a lifetime.

Song of the Day (4/3/2018)

Time is of the essence! Today’s song of the day is another great pump-up jam. It’s Summer Air by Italobrothers. Now for some photos of the week.

Obligatory Arrested Development shoutout as it’s been too long:

Awesome shoutout to Señor Jefe Bezos:

Shoutout to my boy Bruce Wayne and that Mexican chick from Black Widow or Americana Chavez or whatever: (she’s not that Mexican, mom, she’s my Mexican. And she’s Colombian or something – GOB)

GET IT INNNN!!!! Okay, this following photo really got my blood flowing. Guess which individual in the photo is the owner of this LinkedIn profile:

I’ll give you a hint: IT’S THE AWKWARD-AS-FUCK, SNIFFLING, WEASELLY SACK OF SHIT IN THE TOP RIGHT. Who does this on LinkedIn? Who. Does this.

And finally, the Manhattan GMAT has some pretty progressive views on how to best prepare for the exam:

I didn’t realize Manhattan GMAT has such a throbbing erection to send its dazed and confused students to the Haas School of Business at Berkeley. Are you picking up what I’m throwing down? Right on, brah.

Guest Posting by Arch Stanton: In Which I Watch Vanderpump Rules

Someone recommended the Bravo reality TV show “Vanderpump Rules.” Apparently, this show is a spin off of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and focuses on one of the women from that show and her restaurant she allegedly runs, and all the aspiring models, singers and actors. It’s basically “Jersey Shore” on the west coast with people who are at least pretending to have ambition. Now, I really hate reality TV (Bachelor excluded; please come to me with any and all Bachelor theories, opinions, discussions, rankings, meandering musings, et cetera), and when I pointed this out to my dear friend, they again reiterated I need to give it a chance because they are sure I will love it. This is me documenting an episode in good faith.
– The show just, like, starts. There’s no run up, no explainer, no background on who these people are or their histories. Am I supposed to know this? Was there a summer reading assignment for this? It doesn’t matter; I never read a single one anyway. One in time in law school, I was called on cold by a professor to explain pertinent civil procedure for a case assigned to us about a regional airport, except I somehow had read the wrong case for class. When I tried to own up to the critically debilitating admission of being unprepared for a law school class, I was interrupted and asked a very-pointed question I was about to answer because the previous owner of my textbook had highlighted two sentences of this case. Long story short, my professor grilled me for an hour about this case, and I bullshitted based on two pertinent sentences and context clues without getting called out. I don’t know what the original point I was trying to make was, but I like this story.
– This show takes place in California, presumably Los Angeles based on the partying supercuts that are giving me a migraine. That is the oldest sentence I have ever typed. Excuse me while I mix some Metamucil into warm water as I prep for bed once this rerun of the Wheel of Fortune is complete.
Anyway, all these people identify themselves as actors, or models, or whatever people do when they move to LA besides what they actually do (ie, wait tables or bartend). This is no judgment on those professions. They are jobs I could never do. But c’mon, you’ve been working at this restaurant for years without a role involving you use your mouth to say words. You are a waiter, and you are on a reality TV show. EMBRACE IT.
– So this one guy, Jacks (or Jax) has this shrill and overbearing girlfriend who melts the fuck down after one of the female coworkers puts suntan lotion on him at a gay pride parade (again, just head fucking long into this shit). They argue, but they don’t seem very mad? I have had at least six more hostile arguments in the last two weeks, and at least three of those were at the Taco Bell drive thru. They break up. Episode two, and I can already tell we are building a Sam-and-Diane will-they-or-won’t-they vibe, except I don’t actually care.
– The girlfriend, named Stassi apparently (I had interpreted that as ‘Stazi’, and was completely flabbergasted so I had to look it up. The good news is I now know everyone here has the stupidest name I’ve ever heard) has demanded to keep their dog, which Jax explains to fellow bartender as a family dog. This confuses me. His parents just let him take their dog? My mother melted down when I merely suggested our family dog stay with me two hours away while they were out of town instead of me staying at home with him. I don’t know Jax’s parents, but anyone who can just willfully wave goodbye to their pet is not to be trusted. Jax mentions he’s going to live it up because he doesn’t have a girlfriend or an ex-girlfriend now. Jax seems like he could be easily manipulated based on his lack of object-permanence. Just because you broke up doesn’t mean this girl doesn’t exist anymore.
– Some other asshole who describes himself as a MACTOR (a model-actor) explains how he, Jax and another guy used to live together in what was basically a flat, with Jax living in the living room with a hanging sheet for privacy, and still managed to bed girls constantly. I need to find where these girls with gravity-defying low self-esteem hang out.
– The bartender Jax was originally talking to (named Frank, it’s relevant now) decides his time has come, and he’s going to bang it out with Stassi now that Jax has “handed him the playbook on how to win her.” If she was fucking with this guy for as long as they make it seem, she shouldn’t be too difficult to trick into touching your penis. ANYWAY they’re at a club, and my migraine is returning, and they’re making out, and Jax is PISSED, BRO and found out and showed up. Who could have ever foreseen this unpredictable turn of events?!?! The answer is executive producers Alex Baskin and Bill Langworthy.
– Jax tells Stassi he wants to talk. Wasn’t he just talking about trying to wrangle some strange like ten minutes ago? Does he know he’s being recorded? She cries. They leave. Frank is drunk and real pissed. If you’ve ever watched any reality show, blah blah blah you get it.
– FAST FORWARD TO TOMORROW – Stassi is crying hysterically, an emergency all-girls meeting is called, at which point Stassi announces she learned Jax got a girl pregnant two months and pressured her into getting an abortion. The source of this information was Frank, which seems like a dubious source. Even Fox News would hesitate to rely on him for this information. This all-girls meeting has a bunch of dudes there, and one guy threatens to put Jax in the hospital if he shows up, and starts flexing and yells at an open door (????) and runs out it and keeps yelling. I am very confused why he is upset.
– Some shit is going on but I was busy typing and I only live my life going forward so I’m not rewinding. And I was looking up the cast members salaries. The more “important” “stars” earn between $10,000.00 and $20,000.00 AN EPISODE for TWENTY-FOUR EPISODES, yet they each have a net worth below $100,000.00. This is the only shocking development of this TV show. Without this show, half of these people would be sucking dicks in pornos, and I believe the veracity of this statement will be proven with five years of this show concluding. Is is popular? Does it have a loyal following? I am still lost.
– “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, like radiation.” Whatever you say Bruce Banner. Remember – these are bartenders, not nuclear scientists like Christmas Jones from “The World is Not Enough.”
– This one girl (Scheana) is talking about how people confuse her for Britney Spears. She has dark brown hair. She does not look like Britney Spears at all. She is delusional, and already my favorite person. She is in a recording studio with a producer who is looking for “sex sounds, moans and giggles”. She assures him he is capable of this. His eyes tell us he is looking for this same energy later when she is blowing him for more high-profile features.
– Stassi assures the camera Jax is definitely not invited to her birthday party in Las Vegas. I feel like this went without saying. Knowing all these people are going to Las Vegas is further proof I never want to go there.
This show is so stupid. I know the point of it is to be stupid, but it might be too stupid. The Bachelor is stupid too, but everyone on the Bachelor is in on the inanity. The vast majority of the contestants know they’re leaving in the first four weeks without talking to their “boyfriend”, but at least they get Instagram sponsors and a chance to be quasi famous. This show features people who think they are going to be legitimately famous, which will never happen now after this. I can’t tell if this show is admittedly stupid or if everyone involved thinks they’re legitimate. Artificially stupid and vapid is all I can handle, but genuinely hollow and vapid assholes in their element is like watching a NASCAR mom whoop her kids in a Walmart. The point I’m making is Los Angeles seems like the worst place on the planet.

Guest Posting by Arch Stanton: Stormy Daniels: An Investigation

As you are well aware, el Presidente’s latest scandal involves his putting his Cheeto-dusted penis where it doesn’t belong ala Bill Clinton, our substitute-teacher President. Like you, I have taken violent steps to avoid hearing about a man in his sixties being paddled by a washed-up pornstar with a magazine with his face on the cover while talking about how much his mistress reminds him of his daughter, but, if you couldn’t tell, I know far more than I ever wanted to know. In light of these traumatic details, what do we really know about the woman who has POTUS trembling in his children’s sized-8.5 velcro-Sketchers? Did you know she ran for the Senate in 2010 as a Republican, and her manager’s car was blown up during the campaign, possibly due to allegations from her camp that the sitting Senator had embezzled funds for a lesbian/bondage/prostitution/nightclub? More important than that sure-to-be-INSANE-story, what has Stormy Daniels’ more notorious career looked like, and what specific videos do you think Donnie has seen? This calls for an INVESTIGATION!

(So the idea came up, and it turns out Stormy has been in at least 151 movies, with 78 director/writing credits and 31 credits as herself, so let’s just look at movies for which she was nominated or won — there are still 42 of those, but a bunch are more body-of-work (pun intended) related than single performances so it’ll move faster than this introductory paragraph).

“Beautiful” (2004) – Could easily be confused for some French arthouse flick with such a bland name. How are you even suppose to know what kind of plowin’ to expect with a title like that? Trump skipped this, and I don’t blame him.

“Not A Romance” (2004) – Better, but still not telling us much. Sounds kinda like one of those corny parody movies from the early 2000s like “Not Another Teen Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”. Ugh, a porn parody of a parody film. Trump probably skipped over this one due to the “Inception”-level of layering involved to understand the premise, which would be fucking.

“Eternity” (2005) – Donnie definitely checked this one out due to the volume of awards it won. Best couples sex scene (with Randy Spears), best all-girl sex scene (with Jessica Drake) and best actress. Stormy went Meryll Streep on “Eternity” and really committed here. Knowing Trump’s proclivity for the best and most endorsed and most respected items, we could bet Donald Jr (not him, the other one) is familar with “Eternity”.

“Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre” (2005) – What the fuck is this? Pornography and power tools is a terrible combination (NOTE – not really!), but what is the audience for pornos and massacres? This warrants immediate inclusion on a half-dozen watch lists, right? “The girls are nice, and the penetration is great, but what it’s really missing is some dismemberment!” I guess Rule 34 continues to be validated.

“3 Wishes” (2006) – I am imagining a genie theme here, but it’s with the wishes of a thirteen year old so all the wishes involve getting laid. I get the idea that it would make for a terrible porno if the wishes were logical (“I wish for job stability! I wish for a loving wife and kids!”) but the premise already annoys me. If you’re going to wish to fuck a pornstar, at least pick an attractive one without weirdly bolted-on boobs. Trump would love this because he used his last wish on being President, and the monkey paw is starting to fold in its last finger.

“Taken” (2006) – Believe it or not, this movie came out two years before the infamous Liam Neeson vehicle, but I am choosing to live in the world where Stormy Daniels starred in Taken. “..but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career — now, take off those jeans!” Stormy Daniels bangs her way across Eastern Europe trying to rescue her kidnapped kid, and ultimately ends up living a gilded life on a weapon-trader’s yacht. I don’t remember much else about Liam Neeson’s “Taken”. Trump probably watched this.

“Operation: Desert Stormy” (2007) – Trump has yet to show much of an interest in the Middle East, so it’s unlikely he’s seen this, but I can confidently say George Bush has.

“Black Widow” (2007) – Another one where the title doesn’t tell us much. I’m picturing one of those adult films that tries to feature a complex thriller plot with a twist at the end that only the director could explain if you ply him with enough painkillers. It must be frustrating to have gone to college to direct and to end up zooming in on penetration, only to be phased out of that by horny frat dudes with handheld cameras. Like Picasso being reduced to selling Garfield prints in Central Park. J/K Jim Davis is the true star, and will one day receive his rightful place on Mount Rushmore after we chisel off that bum Lincoln.

“Heat” (2008) – Randy Spears makes his second appearance! I looked up Randy Spears because I have to know what a man with that alias looks like, and he looks like Jean Claude van Damme if he went into porn so, Jean Claude van Damme. “Heat” definitely sounds like a porno that was trying too hard. I say moderate chance the Donald saw this.

“The Wicked” (2009) – Vaguely erotic, probably a late night Showtime thing where it’s a lot of boobs but no other nudity or good stuff. Can you imagine Trump sitting in one of his hotel rooms with his pud in his hand waiting for THE GOOD STUFF only for the sheets to be pulled up or long shadows to be cast over the action? Trump’s seen “the Wicked”, and he hated the shit out of it.

“Whatever It Takes” (2010) – Wasn’t this a Spike Lee movie? Anyway, Stormy was nominated as the director for this one, so we probably don’t see her yams or vulva, so Donnie skipped this one too.

“Partly Stormy” (2010) – Oh yeah, here we go with the punny names! This is a great deal after Trump and Stormy had their alleged affair (2006), and while Stormy was undergoing her Senator campaign. Let’s pause for a moment as we place our right hand over our hearts and listen to “God Bless America” as we marinate in that last sentence. Middle of the road on likelihood he watched this one.

“Heart Strings” (2011) – Heart strings aren’t in the vagina (are they not? Mike Pence is a bit hazy on the subject), and it was another director nomination, so Trump skipped this too.

“Switch” (2013) – Best screenplay AND best director noms! I didn’t know either of these were a thing you could be nominated for in the adult film industry, but here we are, learning! I bet these awards on the ones they pass out before everyone gets to their seats and, ya know, passes out. No way he saw this.

I figured the names would be more, uhhh, “porn-y”, if that makes sense, and less mid-90s-thrillers. So what do we takeaway here? Nothing, really. Trump probably knows what Randy Spears’ dick looks like? The takeaway for me is “research before you just start writing some inane bullshit” and “Stormy Daniels isn’t very attractive for a pornstar”, and for you, the reader, a re-evaluation of your life choices that lead you to thinking about the President’s masturbatory habits for fifteen minutes.

Guest Post by Arch Stanton: Music Videos That Propelled Me Through Puberty

Today is a guest posting from our very own Arch Stanton, who can sometimes prove hard to find.  A preliminary note from Arch to kick off his posting: Really just an excuse to talk about my dick, I used WordPad so it could probably use a spell check.
A recent vacation featured a discussion of great music videos from the days of TRL, and since that’s a terribly bland conversation to have, it progressed to songs that tickled us as little boys in such a way that turned us into young men. The following is a list of music videos I was horribly embarrassed to watch around my mother, but looooooooooved to download on Limewire for later repeated viewings.
The first time I saw this, I distinctly remember viewing the opposite sex in a dramatically different light. Willa Ford may have fallen to the wayside of music history, but my penis will never forget her. For those of you unfamiliar with this cinematic masterpiece, the video features Willa in various locations and suggestive outfits seducing a DJ, valet, and police officers into neglecting their duties with a kiss on the cheek. Looking back on it now, this seems like a fair trade for a DJ to play a song, but we should expect more from our public servants.
At about :40 seconds in, Willa Ford has a minimally choreographed dance scene in an orange romper that remain sexier than any lap dance. At about 2:19, Willa has upgraded (or downgraded, based on your perspective) to a leather two-piece that could solve at least a dozen ongoing international crises. There are some cutaways during this dance sequence to a guy mouthing, “wow”, and I always found this wildly underwhelming as I looked like a dog seeing a beautiful woman in a 1970s cartoon, jaw on the floor with his tongue hanging out and eyes bulging out of his head. The video ends with a disclaimer – “No men were injured in the making of this video.” Many were injured watching it. FUN FACT: Willa Ford later went on to be in Playboy six years after this video. I am glad I only just learned of this, otherwise I would be dead at the age of 12 of priapism.
Unrelated, but Royce Da 5’9″ is featured on this track. Royce is the first person to brag about being 5’9″, but he also gained popularity after working closely with Eminem, in case you were interested in the six degrees of separation between Eminem and Willa Ford.
This video starts with remarkable corny CGI, even by 2001 standards, as Kylie begins by singing, “I just can’t get you out of my head / boy your love is all I think about” as she shifts gears in a definitely-not-sexually-suggestive way. About 1:27, Kylie starts dancing? hip thrusting? in what could be described as a tracksuit/dress featuring cleavage and belly button. Background dancers show up looking like they time traveled from being extras on the set of the Handmaid’s Tale.
Watching this video again now, Kylie Minogue looks like the type of women who would be terribly mean to me. I am into it, and that sure does say a lot about me. Another fun little tidbit I just learned watching this again, she has her ELEVENTH album coming out. This is more than enough proof the music industry deserves to collapse.
I bet you thought this was going to be all white women, didn’t you! Well, I have very diverse tastes, featuring one Hispanic woman with very white features, so jokes on you. Building on how Kylie looks like she’d be mean, Jennifer Lopez DEFINITELY would be mean to you. This video is basically scenes of Jennifer rolling around in the sand in a white cami and bikini briefs intercut with her singing and driving in her Jaguar to this beach and disrobing to said-outfit to roll in the sand. There are frequent cuts of her “adjusting” her bottoms that turned me into an absolute puddle.
All in all, the video is pretty cheesy (NOTE: this applies to every music video ever), but the parts of her rolling around and dancing in the sand are, to borrow a term from Benjamin Franklin, proof that God loves us. The video ends with Jennifer taking her top off and throwing it at the camera while walking into the ocean. I am dead. “Arch Stanton, 3 February 1862, died because he saw Jennifer Lopez topless from behind at 13.” I’ve never been jealous of A-Rod for anything ever despite his fame and fortune and fantastic career, but he is dating Jennifer Lopez, and for that, a hat tip.
Whereas most of these songs skullfuck you with midriffs and exposed ass cheeks, polluting a young boy’s mind, this video goes for a more innocent, “girl-next-door” approach. Literally, the video starts by panning through a neighborhood to the house next door and up to the second story window (pervy!) where Mandy Moore starts singing and dancing. What proceeds is a time capsule of the late-90s/early-00s, with spiky hair, bell bottoms, a VW Beetle, over-the-ear headphones, cargo pants, skateboarding in an empty pool, and various pairs of Sketchers.
This is the least sexy video here, but makes it because of my wildly-uncontainable 12-year old crush on Mandy. A boner of the heart, if you will. Unrelated, but Mandy Moore has REALLY long arms. I bet she could throw down a mean windmill dunk if so inclined. She also moves her mouth way more than is required, so maybe this video is more subconsciously sexual than it seems.
Oh man. This video. Christina has a lip piercing, a nose piercing, grimey-looking braids and makeup that looks like she should be auditioning for a bit role in Barnum & Bailey’s Circus, all of which grossed me out 2002, and continues to be unflattering today. COUNTERPOINT: low-cut leather pants/chaps with an orange bikini underneath and a red and white bikini top and lyrics and dance moves that called out to my hormones. A recurring thread for the observant is exposed hips/midriffs and flattering shots of ass cheeks. This video is almost exclusive those two things. This is the polar opposite of the Mandy Moore video, with scenes of grinding in showers and mud wrestling and a short skirt that serves as merely a formality.
Redman is featured on this song! Redman is the rapper who is definitely having more fun being a rapper than any other rapper. His songs were always upbeat and lively, and he definitely took this gig solely to show up in the video and grind and get real heavy with Christina. There is a 60% chance they banged during the making of this video. Redman is the best. (When I started this, I didn’t expect to divulge into my appreciation for Redman, but such is life.)
This is the most obvious video on the list. If you have the faintest idea of JAY-Z, or the concept of pimping, or this video, or rap in the 90s and early 00s, then you get it. So instead of creatively saying “butts” and “boobies” for two hundred words, I want to talk about how JAY-Z wrote this song after being charged with attempted murder after (allegedly) stabbing a record exec he believed had been leaking his albums. I say allegedly because he originally pleaded not guilty, and then pleaded guilty to three years probation which kinda seems like fair trade considering he really wanted to stab a guy. So anyway, Jay made this song because he was looking at not-insignificant prison sentence and wanted to “live it up”, so to say.
Pimp C, one half of the Houston rap duo UGK, wore a full-length fur coat to the shooting of this video on a yacht and at poolsides. When asked why he was wearing said full-length fur coat in such hot weather, he responded, “TV ain’t got no temperature.” Pimp C was a legend.
Another very self-evident inclusion, although any Britney Spears video could be here. Her whole shtick was making men of all ages get tingles in their slacks, as evidence by an array of music videos featuring shocking or revealing outfits. If she really wanted to shock me, she’d shoot a video wearing a parka. ANYWAY, Britney dances in a post-apocalyptic building during a heatwave, so she is (obviously) glistening with sweat and thrusting her unencumbered hips and stomach at the camera the whole time. In the few shots she isn’t in front of the camera, she is shot either in silhouette or in shadow, thrusting away, somehow still glistening despite you not even seeing her. Really, its a wonderful video.
She just rubs her tits and grabs guy’s crotches through the whole video, with interstitials of her crawling on the ground in a flesh-colored bedazzled leotard with a thong! Be still my heart.
Britney Spears, my penis salutes you for your perseverance for giving me erections for about ten years of my life throughout thinly veiled music videos. You are the Cal Ripken of prepubescent boners, and we thank you.

Peyton Manning, Legend

Just a random collection of videos from arguably the greatest football player AND entertainer of all time.  You’ll surely appreciate these:

  1. Manning Enjoying New Retirement Home
  2. Peyton Manning Opening Monologue at ESPYs 2017
  3. Peyton’s Super Bowl Party Gone Bad
  4. SNL Digital Short: United Way – SNL
  5. Peyton Manning Commercials Compilation NFL Ads (note that YouTube often removes the ad compilation videos so you may have to search for this, should the link not work).

Watch them, well worth your time!

Random Bidtits / Song of the Day (1/24/2018)

What’s up, what’s up, WHAT’S UP!  To all the new followers, thank you for joining this mediocre blog!  To all the people who viewed the site and decided not to follow, fuck you, I hope you slam your nugget pouch in a DVD case.

Let’s get this party started with a little music, shall we?  I highly, HIGHLY encourage you to watch the following video as it’s only a minute long and features North Korea’s finest, strutting their stuff to Stayin’ Alive by The Bee Gees.  Please watch it.  For my Chick-fil-A fans out there, you’ll enjoy this video and it’s only 90 seconds long.  I recommend you turn the sound down on this one given the commentary is forced and lacking.  Next.  WHERE ARE ALL MY FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF FANS AT?!?  I came across this gem in a Starbucks parking lot:

Abe Frohman

The sausage KING, of Chicago.  Next story.  And I may have shared this one before so please pardon me if that’s the case.  I was traveling last Summer and stumbled across a lake-side restaurant called Kara’s Kountry Kitchen (aka KKK).  Solid food and great scenery.  All the trimmings, all the works.  Just don’t expect to order the Blackened Fish.  Okay, that was racist, but not nearly as racist as this:


Aggressive sign, especially for the healthcare sector.  But as Stewie said, it’s good to have land.  As you can see, I spent a night in the hospital and the hot water heater was massive!  Nice not running out of hot water, although I did have to reduce the temperature as I was particularly gassy that evening and the the humidity was wafting the funk in a most unpleasant fashion.  Word to the wise: always take cold, no-humidity showers when your busts stink like cow ass.  This was partially my fault: I had nasty gas and explosive runs after a day spent munching on hospital food.  To quote my bad-hombre Peachy Carnehan, I was shitting out tomorrow’s breakfast, tonight.

I’ll leave everyone with a final thought as they watch the North Korean Bee Gees song for the fourth time: many women (I’m including Ellen Pao in this bucket) will be quick to tell you that they make ~77 cents to the dollar for equivalent male work.  Let’s dispel with this fiction that women don’t know what they’re doing.  They know exactly what they’re doing.  They’re undergoing a systematic effort to change workplace culture and make the office more like the rest of the world.  To be clear, this 77% statistic IS FOR ALL WOMEN ACROSS ALL JOBS AND FAILS TO ACCOUNT FOR DIFFERENCES IN POSITION OR TITLE.  One could point out that 16 year olds should make the same argument as their demographic makes considerably less than other peer groups.  For the same job and same title, women make ~4% less than men.

And how do I live with myself knowing this fact to be true?  Well, in a normally functioning society in equilibrium, people are paid (the “reward” or “return”) based on their contribution to the firm, accounting for the chance that they’ll leave and take with them these skills after significant financial investment by the employing firm (the “risk”).  Women carry more risk given there’s an established history of having children (yes, men also carry this risk, albeit to a smaller degree based on empirical evidence) and leaving an employer after the firm has made a significant investment in the employee.  But in life, EXPECTED RETURN IS PRICED BASED ON ANTICIPATED RISK.  I’m ALL for equality within a logical, economic framework.  But one could argue that if women want to make 100 cents on the male dollar, they should be willing to get spayed following the interview.  Game.  Set.  Match.

Now I’m off to play with those fuzzy yellow balls.