Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

Seattle Workers Pay for the Minimum Wage

Wonderful OpEd piece from the Wall Street Journal today:

Seattle Workers Pay for the Minimum Wage
A new study says the $13 wage is a killer for lower-wage workers.

Some laws of economics are so obvious that they require hundreds of papers to prove, and a classic example is the minimum wage, which increases the cost of labor and in most cases prices some workers out of jobs. Fresh evidence comes from Seattle’s minimum-wage climb to a $15 an hour.

A study from researchers at the University of Washington published in the National Bureau of Economic Research looked at how Seattle’s minimum-wage increase in 2016 to $13 an hour from $11 affected low-wage workers. The results? Hours worked fell 9%—3.5 million hours a quarter—and low-wage employees lost $125 a month on average.

Let that sink in: A campaign predicated on giving workers a raise lowered paychecks. The increase to $13 from $11 also “yielded more substantial disemployment effects” than an earlier jump to $11 from $9.47, the study found.

Note that Seattle’s minimum will continue to rise to $15, with varying deadlines for small and large businesses. Later increases will almost certainly be more damaging, as businesses try to absorb costs by automating more tasks or raising prices for consumers. As for workers, some may even ask for reduced hours: Benefits like Medicaid phase out as income rises, which means a worker’s next dollar of income can be taxed above 100%.

The labor unions underwriting the Fight for $15 campaign have activated the phone trees to impugn the study’s credibility. Proponents of the increase point to a report released last week from the University of California-Berkeley that purported to find no adverse effects from Seattle’s move. Yet the Washington study relied on sophisticated and detailed data about hours and earning, while Berkeley deployed the restaurant industry as a proxy.

One political subplot: Last week wage and employment expert Michael Saltsman wondered why Seattle Mayor Ed Murray’s office was pumping the Berkeley report when the city had commissioned its own studies from the Washington researchers. According to reporting in the Seattle Weekly, the mayor’s office knew the damning report was coming. Berkeley scholars were offered an advance copy to rebut the claims. This looks more like coordinating press releases than honestly addressing the Seattle evidence.

Other attempts to avoid reality include complaints that the study did not adequately control for Seattle’s booming labor market, which liberals say is displacing low-wage jobs for better opportunities. The study did include a control, and this is the tension for the left: Wages are growing so fast in Seattle that the government needs to intervene to increase them?

Still another progressive impulse is to say that perhaps $15 an hour is too disruptive to the labor market, but with more data the government can pinpoint the precise wage that benefits workers. That would certainly raise the demand for labor consultants and Berkeley professors, if not for waiters. The real and eternal lesson is that political wage-setting hurts the least skilled and lowest-paid workers, as the evidence in Seattle shows.

Ellen Pao: Making a Difference, One Frivolous Lawsuit at a Time

When some people hear the terms Ellen Pao and Frivolous Lawsuit in the same breath, their minds go to Ellen’s husband and better half, Alphonse “Buddy” Fletcher Jr.  Nice man, nice man.  Made a fortune in filing frivolous racial discrimination lawsuits (reference below:).

So now that you have good-guy Buddy’s background and you know that he’s the better half of the two, let’s dive in, lift up the skirt, and grab Ellen Pao by the ego, shall we?  And here. We. Go.

1). 

Making a difference?  Yup, Reddit community really loved her.  This woman has followers?!?  WTF?!?  I thought only Mohamed El-Erian and Jeff Bezos had followers.  Like most people, her only power lies in you remaining a willing audience.  Walk away and this woman has nothing.  Secondly, HER MIDDLE INITIAL IS “K”?!?  K. Pao? Really?!?

There!  How is it, feeling like the in-house counsel at Kleiner Perkins?  Just a barrage of fucking letters and lawsuits from very ambitious and very disgruntled Ellen K-Pao.

2). 

Ugh, skills and endorsements.  I’ll refrain as I have good pals who do this but it’s taking me a fair amount of restraint.  Anyway.  Back to EP, Phone Gender Discrimination Lawyer.  Her first skill is strategic partnership.  I literally cannot think of a single more strategic partnership than sleeping around the office to climb the corporate ladder, which she did…with a married coworker.  And she still fucked that up.  Alas, it turns out her sleeping around was with the wrong individual(s).  Evidently, Yellin’ Ellen fails to understand how to sleep around with the “right” senior partners.  Dock her a second round interview for overexaggerating her ability to execute on strategic partnerships and for lying on her LinkedIn page.

3). 

That’s just the problem, Mark: she’s crammed but it was with the wrong partner!  Don’t you get it?  She’s never going to make senior investment professional until she puts out with the “right” person.  And Vittorio, dude, we all know that Pao is going to be analytical but we know for a fact that she’s absolutely not a pleasure – hence the missed promotions!

The title of “corporate whistleblower” sounds a lot hotter than it is, just ask Ajit Nazre’s sushi slammer.

Also, destined to be a leader in her industry?  This part could be true. She’s one of the first women in VC.  She’s a canary in the coal mine.  I’d even go as far as to call her a guinea pig if I didn’t think she’d go and bite into herself.

4). 

That’s it?  That’s all Carl gets?  She spent more time with her coworker’s balls in her mouth than she did helping a close friend.  Great gal.  I suppose it’s on to the next deep pocketed employer.

Pascal’s Wager Paying Off Big League!!!

The driver of this Toyota Avalon really pulled a fast one on the old man upstairs!

This man wagered…wisely. 

Also, disregard the Flyin’ Hawaiian on my dash.  She serves as a constant reminder of my white privilege.

Speaking of cars facts, I guarantee you this guy insists on driving a stick:

And finally, this man has been lining the pockets of his shareholders for years…KA-CHINGGGGG!!!

Hot Sauce, Home Eats, and Hymens (and Arrested Development)

Bitch, please…  I’ve wanted to say that all day.  You all need to go out and buy this Walkerswood Jonkanoo Seriously Hot Jamaican Pepper Sauce.  Pretty hot at first but as you get half way through the bottle on day two or three, you’ll get used to it and fall in love.

Last night, I used some of this stuff on the following dish made with frozen chicken breast, lasagna-style pasta, frozen veggies, yellow mustard, and the hot sauce.  Sprinkled with excessive amounts of oregano because that’s how we do in high finance.  See photo below:

And with this dish, I graduate from “cook” to “chef.”  I don’t mind if my readers steal my recipe, although I am accepting gratuities via Venmo.  Hit me up, bro.

Oh!  I promised you a hymen reference:

Does anyone else share my concern that if we don’t heed Hyman’s prophetic warnings, we risk a messy blowup in an Eastern Asian society already short on Hymans?  Or would someone like to take the other side of the argument and tear Hyman a new one?  You know what they say, there’s only one rule in finance: buy when there’s blood on the sheets.  Period.

Was in Los Angeles last weekend where I believe they recently legalized Mary Jane.  During my visit, I took an Uber from an hombre with the following name:

I knew California had a massive problem with Dro coming over the boarder…  Dro over the boarder begets more Dro over the boarder.  #MAGA (although seriously, Trump is just an assclown in shit eater’s clothing).  I also spotted this car while in Los Angeles:

Best. Car. Ever.  Makes me want to go home and watch Blues Brothers rather than sit here at the office and procrastinate on the blog, musing about cheap eats and attacking Hyman while I daydream about…attacking Hymen.

Oh snap!  I nearly forgot about the Arrested Development quote I found today:

And the reference:

It’s not like I’m saying I KILLED EARL MILFORD.

And I leave you with a memorandum for a company we considered buying for all of two minutes.  Something doesn’t seem quite right with the data in the below:

And it seems the management team really, really, really likes men:

Song of the Day (3/18/2017)

Yo-hooooooo!!!!!  Happy St. Patrick’s day to all of you who like to think you have some Irish blood.  Perhaps one day Ireland will be relevant on the world stage and you can be proud of that ancestry.  For the time being, let’s just douse that jingoism with shitty Irish beer and have the Irish Catholic Church bury it with their other…doings.

Anyway, no reason we can’t celebrate.  Today’s first song of the day is Kiss Me, I’m Shitfaced my Dropkick Murphys.

Today’s second song of the day is a MAJOR shoutout to my homies in finance.  It’s CFTC (Babysit Me) by R.S. Featuring L Reece.  Today’s second song of the day is brought to you by economic and financial ignorance:

#AuditTheFed

And finally, I was on Yelp this morning, looking for restaurants that accept dogs.  Yelp has literally 20+ fucking filter options, INCLUDING THE BELOW, BUT ZERO FOR PET FRIENDLY.

I’m all for equality.  But what the fuck – no pet friendly filter?  Reagannnnnn (aka Shane), COME BACKKKKKK!!!!!!!  COME BACK, REAGANNN!!!!

Regulators…Song of the Day (2/16/2017)

I’ve been burning my ones and fives since the inaugeration.  Figured they’ll be pulled out of circulation following Donny T’s infrastructure plan and Damnit Janet’s war on the dollar.

I miss my boy Ben Shalom Bernanke.  Today’s song of the day is a shoutout to my homie-g, Burly Bernanke…it’s Regulate by Warren G ft. Nate Dogg.

You’re sorely missed, my man.  Please come back.  Wall Street needs you.  Main Street needs you. The wad of hundreds in the jar in my backyard needs you.  It’ll be the return of the Jedi, Benny boy.  Come stronghand those academic libs until they get their environmentally-sourced cotton undies in a twist.

Today’s financial insight: buy the fuckin’ dip.