PETA has a notorious billboard with a bunch of farm animals and pets in a row, asking where you draw the line between dinner and a pet? Obviously the answer is after the chicken but before the horse (I’ve eaten Ikea meatballs, so I’m even flexible on the horse — an incredible creature with a walnut for a brain that gets it’s shoes hammered on to it, stupid horses), but the big point is modern culture runs a bit fast and loose on what we eat. There isn’t much debate to it here in America (apologies to all our foreign readers), but this billboard happened to cross the tumbleweed-stricken recesses of my mind while staring vacantly at a television watching Star Wars for the infinite time, and I got to thinking. So without dragging it on further, it’s time for another Cracked-like humor-ish listicle counting from the least edible to the most delicious!
Jawas – Obviously the bottom of the list. What is a Jawa? It’s all hood without any glimpse to what’s under there. Could be cow-people full of delicious steak, could be skeletons with nothing edible at all there. This is more of a DNP than a true last place finish, but they do have that rad crawler to fall back on and a technical knowledge that suits them for employment by humans. Think a plow horse with IT experience.
Watto – If you don’t recall, Watto was the terribly anti-Semitic slave owner of Annakin. If you doubt me, consider the facts: greedy, oversized nose, greasy and sneaky, self-interested, cloying accent. Tell us how you really feel, George Lucas. Anyway, he is a large bug (you could probably add that to the list), and since this isn’t Andrew Zimmerman’s “Weird Eats”, I don’t want anything to do with Watto regardless of how much barbecue sauce you slather him in.
Greedo – Looks like someone in the middle of Kafka’s “Metamorphoris”. Gross.
Rancor – The scene where Luke defeats the Rancor in the pit, and escapes to fuck shit up on Jabba’s pleasure barge, leaving the Rancor-guarding orc crying over his dead body is the most affecting scene of all the Star Wars movies. This is indisputable. The Rancor is basically a weaponized raccoon, eating trash that falls in his cage and whatever dirty alien has pissed off Jabba. Looks too lean to have any substantial meat on those bones.
Jabba the Hutt – Someone once called him “loan shark king of Space Bakersfield”, and nothing has ever been more accurate. The meat would be fatty and greasy and would stink as you tried to fry it like bacon. I imagine Jabba is like stinky pork belly, which still sounds like we’re overselling him.
Jar Jar/Gungans – Range from lean and muscular to fatty, so we have some disparity in what we could expect. Seeing as how most of the Gungan army was leaner, we’ll go with that. This meat would be like alligator if you’ve ever had that, slimy/chewy undercooked chicken. Jar Jar was an abomination in the series, and would be an abomination in your kitchen as you struggle to think of a way to prepare “human-sized moron platypus.”
Wampa – The wampa was the yeti that tried to eat Luke in the ice cave for those of you with better things to do than look up the names of irrelevant Star Wars creatures. He (I’m assuming his gender, please do not contact the ACLU on me) looks like a yeti with a drinking problem due to that paunch he’s sporting. That same stomach suggests some good cuts of meat in their somewhere under all the fur.
Taun taun – This is what Han Solo uses for a sleeping bag in a blizzard, and his remark about how he thought they smelled bad on the outside makes me think this isn’t the finest cut we’re going to see in this universe. Taun tauns are basically space horses, and I would imagine they have the same consistency as Earth horses.
Chewbacca/Wookies – Sorry Chewie. Probably too muscular to be anything but gamey, but so far we haven’t seen many better options. He should be appreciative that his mild intelligence and capable handling of a weapon effectively deters anyone from pansearing a slice of his ass. Would be good in a stew I bet.
Ewoks – Here we go, getting to the good stuff now! I imagine little forest pigs, appropriately fatty if stringy. In “Return of the Jedi”, they are attempting to eat our heroes (definitely eyeing Chewbacca almost immediately), which is entertaining because in a parallel universe far, far away, but also in the past, these portly little shits are being sheered like sheep and carved like Easter hams. I see a lot of versatility here.
Bantha – The pack animals from Tatooine, basically space buffalo or bison, which is what I am here for. A hearty animal with a variety of cuts for whatever steak you may be into. There are some high-end locations on Coruscant where all the Senators get their 16-ounce Bantha steaks well-done as they try to impress their girlfriends or prostitutes as they hide from their wives stranded on their shitty home planets. In other words, whatever the space equivalent of a cowboy hat is what you’re looking for when you want a good Bantha steak.
Porgs – You knew this was coming. A fuzzy space chicken. Incredibly versatile with a large population to match, so you know people everywhere have a secret recipe for deep-fried hot pork, but when you mention “porg”, everyone thinks of the underwhelming fast food chain with a slave holder mascot. Looking at you, Watto-with-a-twirly-mustache-and-bolo-tie.
Admiral Ackbar – Did you know Admiral Ackbar is part of a race called the “Mon Calimari”? George Lucas teed us right up on this one! My only hangup here is that he could be one of those super poisonous fish that, if cooked incorrectly, kills you within an hour. So much potential here for a delicacy, but also the very real chance he turns out like calamari you would see on the buffet on a discount cruise ship. Buyer beware, but you could be treated to the meal of a lifetime.