If you haven’t seen it, Donald Trump took precious moments away from his 2020 campaign to shower Puerto Ricans with American generosity. Nothing says “White America is here to help you” like mushroom tipping a bunch of Puerto Rican Oompa Loompas in the face with the Brawny Man. Who cares about delivering internet and power, I won’t sleep until we’ve cut down the entire Amazon Rainforest to get these mother fuckin’ Puerto Ricans, on these mother fuckin’ paper towels. Those are going to be some chaffed assholes down there and they haven’t even digested their pension obligations yet. Oh it’s going to be a surprise, A RUDE, PAINFUL SURPRISE.
Now time for some self awareness:
Are you fucking kidding me? These guys couldn’t land a touchdown with their wives. Or side pieces. Speaking of having a main bitch, and a mistress, and a couple of girl friends, being so hood rich, today’s song of the day is Head of the State by Baracka Flacka Flames.
An image for my girls still at the office tonight:
And finally, the McLaren P1, because a girl can dream, right?
Roping off a $1.2 million car with a plastic barrier chain? Nice, McLaren. Maybe it’s time you Brexit from the auto industry and focus on pushing cheap hats and questionably sourced keychains like Ferrari. AHHH SKEET SKEET SKEET!
And finally, Chick-fil-A has been rubbing off on Jimmy Johns (assuming the Bible says that’s okay):
Nothing bespeaks “thank god we live in America” like a black guy desperately trying to strip himself of ownership-administered shackles. I don’t know, that meat and bread on the right looks a little gay, over under Chick-fil-A walks from the deal?
We begin with this:
I’m assuming this readership is aware of the term “honey pot.”
Next, a stellar quote from our Dealmaker in Chief: “The press is very powerful but it lasts for, both good and bad, lasts for a finite period of time. The one thing about the press is that it’s fleeting. It’s Fleet Street. You know, that’s why they called it Fleet Street. You know that, right? I just actually made that up.” That’s pure gold. Speaking of Trump,
I guess this means we won’t see Trump Torre any time soon.
And finally, Bazzers removing the logos on their bottles:
Turns out the San Fernando Valley cares more about intellectual property theft / economic espionage than the Chinee and Ruskies.
Already one posting in on the day and we already have too many updates for our dear Supreme Reader. And that is absolutely NOT an allusion to LRM (lil’ rocket man). But still, this is all the news that’s fit to print (read: publish and hope some lonely fool stumbles upon MAM).
First off, this is for my foodies. Who likes my dancing carrot?!?
Clever, right? I feel like all other carrot jokes are old, tired, and are often rooted in stupid plays on words. Speaking of bad jokes, Donald Trump is in the news again. This time, he’s ripping on gun violence on the third coast. Chicago can’t catch a break – just look at the images from the #1 police scanner app:
“Police shooting in Chicago.” Really? Attacking Chicago, again? Easy political points to be won, so I get it. And the police in Chicago need to stop targeting based on racial profiling. The blacks in Chicago have it nearly as bad as those in London:
I read “enhanced background checks” and I see visions of Rummy at Abu, cracking the whip at a mountain of male flesh, precariously balanced on top of a well lubed twister mat since replaced with an original copy of the constitution.
And a penultimate thought, shitty ass packaging:
“Enlarged to show texture.” A) hardly enlarged, see accompanying cookie and B) texture? What texture? The photos are yellow shapes with dots. Ya heard?
And finally, a thought from our very own Meditative Mandarin: there is some beautiful irony in a staunchly anti-marijuana attorney general whose last name is “Sessions.”
Salutations! It’s my fancy way of saying…hello! Today’s song of the day is a new one: it’s What Lovers Do by Maroon 5 and SZA.
So we all know of Martin Shkreli (aka Pharma Bro) and how much of an anus he is, but did you know that he has two unexpected doppelgängers? The first being American conservative commentator Ben Shapiro:
And the second being Steve Burns’ replacement on Nick Jr’s Blue’s Clues, Donovan Patton:
Eerie, isn’t it? Moving right along to this:
Are you a self-proclaimed coffee aficionado? Lover of chocolate chip cookies? Well! Then you’ll detest this shit. Admittedly, I’m one for the flavored creamers – some of them are too good not to enjoy. But this chocolate chip cookie shit is disgusting. Don’t buy, don’t try. Speaking of not trying, make sure you don’t try to go to key west in the next two weeks.
Unless you’re looking to go south, see some sparks fly, and get wet. Am I right, girls? And finally, some car stuffs for my autophiles. The first is a Ferrari with some epic decals (remember, racing stripes make a car go faster):
And a final thought for my AD thrill seakers:
The below is a urologist…and an actual person:
For those of you not getting it, that’s Dr. Dick Tapper, Urologist.
WTF is going on with all of these hurricanes in the Gulf?!?
First there was Harvey. Then there was Irma, which was below initial expectations. Then there was Jose…following the media spectacle that was Harvey and Irma, Jose never garnered the same attention – getting national coverage is tough and that’s one wall Jose couldn’t climb. And now Maria. But how do you solve a problem like Maria? You stand up to it and stare it down in the face. You make it your property, like vintage Batman did:
And finally, Warheads flavored lifting supplements followed by blatant concept theft:
I’ll leave you with a thought: I love the idea of colored toilet paper but then I can’t wipe effectively in low-light situations. Amirite.
Who here remembers the GTA series from our youth? If so, you will remember the Faggio: a parody of both Vespa and Piaggio. Here’s a photo from the game:
Cool, right? Well I came across the ULTIMATE Faggio last weekend. Huge faggio move. Big league faggio. Thanks, guy.
Dick move when I’m desperately searching for parking. The guy is probably in the bar, sipping on a tall cool one:
Book plug time. I read/listen to a book every two weeks and have been experimenting lately. One that HAS to be on your list, even if you have but only the faintest interest in this stuff, is Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Astrophysics for People in a Hurry. Run to your library (or use the free Hoopla app for your phone) and get this book. When Amazon recommends “Origins” by NDT, don’t worry, you basically already read it if you got through Astrophysics for Hombres in a Hurry.
Oh! Is anyone up for a game? Back, wayyyy back, before The Cookie Monster gave up carbs (cookies) for…well for other carbs (fruits and veggies), and before Mitt Romney threatened to put a bullet in Big Bird and cut funding, there was a game Big Bird played that he/she/it called One of These Things (although not every episode centered around him playing with his “yummy yummy bird seed,” even going as far as burying his/her/confused/undecided/but likely his nose in it). Now I leave it to you: which one of these things is not like the others:
It’s hard to find so I’ll give you a hint: it’s in the middle up near the top, it’s small and undistinguished, it’s pink, and sometimes it can be hard to find in the broader sea of undulating movements.
And finally, food porn time!!!
Today’s song of the day is Because the Night by 10,000 Maniacs. Now for some brief food porn:
And an amazing Seinfeld callout: