Random Bidtits (9/20/2017)

The below is a urologist…and an actual person:

For those of you not getting it, that’s Dr. Dick Tapper, Urologist.

WTF is going on with all of these hurricanes in the Gulf?!?

First there was Harvey.  Then there was Irma, which was below initial expectations.  Then there was Jose…following the media spectacle that was Harvey and Irma, Jose never garnered the same attention – getting national coverage is tough and that’s one wall Jose couldn’t climb.  And now Maria.  But how do you solve a problem like Maria?  You stand up to it and stare it down in the face.  You make it your property, like vintage Batman did:

And finally, Warheads flavored lifting supplements followed by blatant concept theft:

I’ll leave you with a thought: I love the idea of colored toilet paper but then I can’t wipe effectively in low-light situations.  Amirite.

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GTA Real Life: The Faggio Chronicles

Who here remembers the GTA series from our youth?  If so, you will remember the Faggio: a parody of both Vespa and Piaggio.  Here’s a photo from the game:

Cool, right?  Well I came across the ULTIMATE Faggio last weekend.  Huge faggio move.  Big league faggio.  Thanks, guy.

Dick move when I’m desperately searching for parking.  The guy is probably in the bar, sipping on a tall cool one:

Book plug time.  I read/listen to a book every two weeks and have been experimenting lately.  One that HAS to be on your list, even if you have but only the faintest interest in this stuff, is Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Astrophysics for People in a Hurry.  Run to your library (or use the free Hoopla app for your phone) and get this book.  When Amazon recommends “Origins” by NDT, don’t worry, you basically already read it if you got through Astrophysics for Hombres in a Hurry.

Oh!  Is anyone up for a game?  Back, wayyyy back, before The Cookie Monster gave up carbs (cookies) for…well for other carbs (fruits and veggies), and before Mitt Romney threatened to put a bullet in Big Bird and cut funding, there was a game Big Bird played that he/she/it called One of These Things (although not every episode centered around him playing with his “yummy yummy bird seed,” even going as far as burying his/her/confused/undecided/but likely his nose in it).  Now I leave it to you: which one of these things is not like the others:

It’s hard to find so I’ll give you a hint: it’s in the middle up near the top, it’s small and undistinguished, it’s pink, and sometimes it can be hard to find in the broader sea of undulating movements.

And finally, food porn time!!!

Schadenfreude 101

First off, a little photo:

And now an article from Bloomberg.  “That sounds like another one of those gradeless, structureless, new age feel-gooderies.” – Michael Bluth

Startup Juicero Shutters Operations and Seeks a Buyer

By Eric Newcomer
September 1, 2017, 2:37 PM EDT September 1, 2017, 3:35 PM EDT

Juicero Inc., the vegetable and fruit juice startup that raised more than $100 million from investors, said it will suspend sales, offer refunds to customers and search for a buyer for the company.

The decision to shut down its business comes four months after a Bloomberg News report that the company’s juice packets could be squeezed by hand and didn’t require Juicero’s machine, which cost $400. The machine had previously sold for $700, before the price cut.

Juicero announced the decision in a statement Friday posted on its website. “It became clear that creating an effective manufacturing and distribution system for a nationwide customer base requires infrastructure that we cannot achieve on our own as a standalone business,” the San Francisco-based company said. Chief Executive Officer Jeff Dunn announced in July that the company would cut 25 percent of its staff, primarily in sales and marketing, and try to lower the price of its machine and juice packs.

Alphabet’s venture arm GV, Kleiner Perkins Caufield & Byers, Artis Ventures and Josh Kushner’s Thrive Capital are among the startups investors.

Some investors hoped the company’s internet-connected machine would do for juice what the Keurig, a coffee maker that required customers to keep buying its cartridges, did for coffee. Juicero sold its expensive juicer promising force “enough to lift two Teslas” along with packets of juice costing $5 to $7 each.

Juicero’s founder Doug Evans boasted about the technical complexity of the company’s juicer. “There are 400 custom parts in here,” he told Recode. “There’s a scanner; there’s a microprocessor; there’s a wireless chip, wireless antenna.”

Bloomberg revealed in an April article, accompanied by video evidence, that the juice machine was hardly a necessity since the packets could be more quickly squeezed by hand.

Juicero said Friday that it will offer refunds of its presses for the next 90 days. Pack subscriptions are ending the week of Sept. 4. Fortune earlier reported Juicero’s decision to cease operations.

“As we enter this new chapter, we also want to express the deepest gratitude to our employees who have poured their hearts and souls into developing, launching and growing Juicero over the past 3 years,” the company said in its statement.

Random Bidtits (8/30/2017)

Banging through some life observations and cool shit from the last few weeks:

1)  Here is an article from the Wall Street Journal with some stunning photos of undersea life: Into the Deep: The Underwater Photography Awards.

2)  Here is an article from The New Yorker that is absolutely worth your time but will take a while to get through: Donald Trump’s Ghostwriter Tells All.  You won’t find a single surprise throughout the article.  Orange you glad I found this?

3)  Incoming book recommendation!  As a rule, I typically don’t read self-help books but this one came strongly recommended and I pass that on to you.  It’s: The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson.  It’s a quick read and worth your time if you’re open minded.  Check out the Amazon reviews in the link.  I finished this last week after reading four Agatha Christie books last month.  Yes, Agatha Christie is the Goosebumps of adulthood but it’s easy and light and quick.  I did see a great Arrested Development shout out in the back of one of her books (also, look at those prices!):

And the Arrested Development connection:

4)  Quick, somewhat terrifying side note.  I cringe when I see the words “clinger” and “loosening” used in the same sentence:

5)  I spent last weekend in the back country of Virginia and West Virginia and it was absolutely gorgeous.  World renowned white water rafting, spelunking, The Greenbrier (including A TRUE CROQUET COURT!!!), the Omni and it’s surrounding thermal springs, and the New River Gorge Bridge (as seen on the back of the West Virginia quarter).  The Greenbrier is well worth your time.  However, there was some subtle racism under the banner of “southern charm”:

Which in reality looked like this:

There was also a memorial highway in honor of the armed forces…sponsored by the one and only West Virginia Garden Club, Inc.  You know, that’s an obvious overlap.

Also came across a new food group that may need to replace pork rinds at our next bro-get-together:

As well as a gas station WITH RACING FUEL:

And the nerdiest corner I’ve ever walked into:

My neckbeard grew three sizes that day.

6)  And finally, I saw the license plate below which reminded me of a terrific scene from Family Guy.

Faith Tells Me That No Matter What Lies Ahead of Me, Reagan is Already There

Hooded Man #2: Have we started the fire?…  Bane: Yes. The [Reagan] rises. 

And finally.  My tomato garden has sprouted a va-jay:

Earlier in the harvest at a vegetable staff meeting to discuss the vegetable, fruit, and bacterial culture, Arianna Huffington, another pear, talked about how one tomato vagina on a plot often leads to more tomato vaginas joining a garden.

“Actually, what it shows is that it’s much more likely to be more talking,” Mr. Bonderman, resident anise, responded.

¡¡¡Happy Cinco De Mayo Veinte Diecisiete!!! (and Arrested Development)

Wishing everyone a warm and fuzzy Cinco De Mayo.

Okay, lot to cover here, so time to play ketchup.   In the spirit of Mexican heritage, I’m throwing up a massive text wall.  Don’t like it?  This posting just got 2 paragraphs longer.  More than once in my life, I’ve been told that from time to time I can be mildly insensitive to other cultures and ways of life.  Bullshit, but okay.  It’s Cinco De Mayo and I’d like to make good on appreciating other cultures, so today’s song of the day is Right Now by Psy (don’t be a dick, give the song a chance, it’s good).  Much better than the golden oldies song that came on this morning where the main course is “baaa ba-ba ba-baaaaa, I knowwww you..” – if this were the Middle East, I’d get stoned if I were caught singing this to my male friends.  They’re a very literal people.

As many of you know, I’m an absolute dios when it comes to Heroes of the Storm (“HOTS” for anyone who can throw a spiral or doesn’t suffer from asthma and backne).  Back in December, before evvvverything changed when Trump was inaugurated, I went into a game as Chogall, stacking party-of-five XP bonuses on top of the holiday XP bonuses, among others.  Had my first and only 500,000+ XP game.  You better fucking believe that print screen found its way onto the watermark on my resume.  Employers dig teamwork, persistence, and originality.  I have yet to get any calls back.  Not unlike:

Anyway, back to snapping the suspenders of the Mexican people.  I recently had a game of HOTS where I was Chogall and working in close tandem with a teammate from Mexico, or Portugal, down old South America way.

Roughly translated, Sabaoth’s first two constructive messages to me are 1) Chogal, fuck you shit, and 2) I give you a whore.  It may sound border-line (ugh) adversarial, but I think we had some good communication that game, a real productive tete-a-tete.  Look a few lines up and you find the most important message.  At all costs.  Protect.  The fucking.  Healing fountain.

I’m getting lazy today and have to get back to work (“They’ve got a bus, and they want to use parking lot to this building as a meeting place.  I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not a hardware store.  We can’t have them hanging around like a bunch of freeloaders looking for an easy buck.” – Lucille Bluth).  Spent too long on my last two posts: to quote a buddy, “your latest blog has so much packed in there you’d think it was Bruce Jenner post-op.”  Biting social commentary…even in its brevity, and like the woman, it still has a lot of meat on it.

Here are my relevant Arrested Development photos for Cinco:

Two tips of the day.  1) Raspberries and diet coke: best combination you’ve ever had.  Pop a few raspberries in your mouth and take a swig of the diet coke – it’s AMAZING.  2) People like Nutella on toast (although my readership seems to be white bread).  Put 2-3 Reese’s peanut butter eggs on a toasted bagel and make a sandwich of it, it’s INCREDIBLE.  Bonus recommendation from my cigarette-smoking-man/friend: chew on Icebreakers mints while smoking cigarettes – better tasting than menthol cigarettes.  I must admit that I’ve had my share of cigarettes in my day, but after watching Hans Landa in the following, I’m never putting another wimpy-ass f*g in my mouth again:

Alright, time for me to get back to HOTS before this American Health Care Act beats a path through the senate floor.  My go-to character, Chogall, has a bit of a limp and I’m worried about playing him with his preexisting condition.