Random Bidtits (4/18/2018)

Great, now I’m stuck with the vegetarian options when flying United. Speaking of unconventional kitchen work, check out this awesome kitchen tile:

Also, did you know that Taco Bell offers its hot sauce at grocery stores?!?

One more food item:

Keep it real, hombres.

Advertisements

Arch Stanton Guest Posting: Most Edible Star Wars Character

PETA has a notorious billboard with a bunch of farm animals and pets in a row, asking where you draw the line between dinner and a pet? Obviously the answer is after the chicken but before the horse (I’ve eaten Ikea meatballs, so I’m even flexible on the horse — an incredible creature with a walnut for a brain that gets it’s shoes hammered on to it, stupid horses), but the big point is modern culture runs a bit fast and loose on what we eat. There isn’t much debate to it here in America (apologies to all our foreign readers), but this billboard happened to cross the tumbleweed-stricken recesses of my mind while staring vacantly at a television watching Star Wars for the infinite time, and I got to thinking. So without dragging it on further, it’s time for another Cracked-like humor-ish listicle counting from the least edible to the most delicious!
Jawas – Obviously the bottom of the list. What is a Jawa? It’s all hood without any glimpse to what’s under there. Could be cow-people full of delicious steak, could be skeletons with nothing edible at all there. This is more of a DNP than a true last place finish, but they do have that rad crawler to fall back on and a technical knowledge that suits them for employment by humans. Think a plow horse with IT experience.
Watto – If you don’t recall, Watto was the terribly anti-Semitic slave owner of Annakin. If you doubt me, consider the facts: greedy, oversized nose, greasy and sneaky, self-interested, cloying accent. Tell us how you really feel, George Lucas. Anyway, he is a large bug (you could probably add that to the list), and since this isn’t Andrew Zimmerman’s “Weird Eats”, I don’t want anything to do with Watto regardless of how much barbecue sauce you slather him in.
Greedo – Looks like someone in the middle of Kafka’s “Metamorphoris”. Gross.
Rancor – The scene where Luke defeats the Rancor in the pit, and escapes to fuck shit up on Jabba’s pleasure barge, leaving the Rancor-guarding orc crying over his dead body is the most affecting scene of all the Star Wars movies. This is indisputable. The Rancor is basically a weaponized raccoon, eating trash that falls in his cage and whatever dirty alien has pissed off Jabba. Looks too lean to have any substantial meat on those bones.
Jabba the Hutt – Someone once called him “loan shark king of Space Bakersfield”, and nothing has ever been more accurate. The meat would be fatty and greasy and would stink as you tried to fry it like bacon. I imagine Jabba is like stinky pork belly, which still sounds like we’re overselling him.
Jar Jar/Gungans – Range from lean and muscular to fatty, so we have some disparity in what we could expect. Seeing as how most of the Gungan army was leaner, we’ll go with that. This meat would be like alligator if you’ve ever had that, slimy/chewy undercooked chicken. Jar Jar was an abomination in the series, and would be an abomination in your kitchen as you struggle to think of a way to prepare “human-sized moron platypus.”
Wampa – The wampa was the yeti that tried to eat Luke in the ice cave for those of you with better things to do than look up the names of irrelevant Star Wars creatures. He (I’m assuming his gender, please do not contact the ACLU on me) looks like a yeti with a drinking problem due to that paunch he’s sporting. That same stomach suggests some good cuts of meat in their somewhere under all the fur.
Taun taun – This is what Han Solo uses for a sleeping bag in a blizzard, and his remark about how he thought they smelled bad on the outside makes me think this isn’t the finest cut we’re going to see in this universe. Taun tauns are basically space horses, and I would imagine they have the same consistency as Earth horses.
Chewbacca/Wookies – Sorry Chewie. Probably too muscular to be anything but gamey, but so far we haven’t seen many better options. He should be appreciative that his mild intelligence and capable handling of a weapon effectively deters anyone from pansearing a slice of his ass. Would be good in a stew I bet.
Ewoks – Here we go, getting to the good stuff now! I imagine little forest pigs, appropriately fatty if stringy. In “Return of the Jedi”, they are attempting to eat our heroes (definitely eyeing Chewbacca almost immediately), which is entertaining because in a parallel universe far, far away, but also in the past, these portly little shits are being sheered like sheep and carved like Easter hams. I see a lot of versatility here.
Bantha – The pack animals from Tatooine, basically space buffalo or bison, which is what I am here for. A hearty animal with a variety of cuts for whatever steak you may be into. There are some high-end locations on Coruscant where all the Senators get their 16-ounce Bantha steaks well-done as they try to impress their girlfriends or prostitutes as they hide from their wives stranded on their shitty home planets. In other words, whatever the space equivalent of a cowboy hat is what you’re looking for when you want a good Bantha steak.
Porgs – You knew this was coming. A fuzzy space chicken. Incredibly versatile with a large population to match, so you know people everywhere have a secret recipe for deep-fried hot pork, but when you mention “porg”, everyone thinks of the underwhelming fast food chain with a slave holder mascot. Looking at you, Watto-with-a-twirly-mustache-and-bolo-tie.
Admiral Ackbar – Did you know Admiral Ackbar is part of a race called the “Mon Calimari”? George Lucas teed us right up on this one! My only hangup here is that he could be one of those super poisonous fish that, if cooked incorrectly, kills you within an hour. So much potential here for a delicacy, but also the very real chance he turns out like calamari you would see on the buffet on a discount cruise ship. Buyer beware, but you could be treated to the meal of a lifetime.

Article Recommendation from Arch Stanton: $1,500 Sandwich Illustrates How Exchange Raises Living Standards

Great article from this blog on the economics of free trade. While I typically avoid blogs given they’re really just a mouthpiece for gutless, nameless bitchers and moaners, this article was different. But before I share the article, here’s a piece of produce from my local grocer:

Took this ages ago. I’ve been sitting on this one for a while… I had to shift it from its prior location – it was bruising the plums. Reminds me, Toys ‘R’ Us is liquidating. Any sell-side bankers want to pitch this to Brazzers or Dogfart? If Kids ‘R’ Us goes up for sale, we could sell it to Apple as an upstream vertical integration play – the name perfectly bespeaks their Chinese supplier base.

And the article:

$1,500 Sandwich Illustrates How Exchange Raises Living Standards

What would life be like without exchange or trade? Recently, a man decided to make a sandwich from scratch. He grew the vegetables, gathered salt from seawater, milked a cow, turned the milk into cheese, pickled a cucumber in a jar, ground his own flour from wheat to make the bread, collected his own honey, and personally killed a chicken for its meat. This month, he published the results of his endeavor in an enlightening video: making a sandwich entirely by himself cost him 6 months of his life and set him back $1,500.

(It should be noted that he used air transportation to get to the ocean to gather salt. If he had taken it upon himself to learn to build and fly a plane, then his endeavor would have proved impossible).

The inefficiency of making even something as humble as a sandwich by oneself, without the benefits of market exchange, is simply mind-boggling. There was a time when everyone grew their own food and made their own clothes.  It was a time of unimaginable poverty and labor without rest.

The greater the number of people involved in exchange, the more beneficial the process becomes. This morning, thanks to international trade, I am drinking coffee grown in Latin America, viewing a computer screen with eyeglasses made in Europe, and typing this blog post on a keyboard made in Asia. Fortunately, freedom to trade internationally has improved, on average, around the world. Increased trade has helped raise living standards and decrease global poverty.

However, the recent trend in the United States is less positive. If trade protectionist politicians, like Bernie Sanders on the left and Donald Trump on the right, have their way, then U.S. freedom to trade internationally may deteriorate further. They put down trade by claiming that it harms the U.S. economy and destroys jobs. Yet, there is a widespread agreement among economists that free trade is key to prosperity.

This morning, as you drink your coffee, take a moment to consider where it comes from. You probably would not be drinking it right now if it were not for trade. This video elegantly draws attention to the myriad ways in which the exchange of goods and services across national borders touches lives and helps raise living standards. Almost everything you use is the product of a complex web of human cooperation, often extending beyond your country. Even something as simple as a bag of groceries or a pencil is the end result of a “symphony of human activity that spans the globe.”

Song of the Day (2/26/2018)

It’s a good one! In fact, it’s an absolutely fantastic song. It’s Sedona by Houndmouth. Give it a try. Now, some random photos to get your juices flowing.

And finally, to quote Tobias while eating at Burger King with Carl Weathers, “oh sure, as long as you don’t bring attention to it”:

Young, self interested, and confidence starved. Now in 57 flavors.

One more thing, speaking of sauces, I tried a new hot sauce last week and I’m enamored. It’s from Mexico and I picked some up while on a trip near the wall…on the good side! It’s Black Label Reserve Chile Habanero by my bad hombres at El Yucateco. It’s black in color and has a robust, smoky wood flavor and isn’t as hot on the Scoville Scale as the name and color would suggest. Pick up a bottle at your local Trader Jose’s or Walmex today.

I wonder if this is what Nasty Hillary carries in her purse while traveling with Hispanic constituents.

Song of the Day (2/18/2018)

Came across this weather report this week:

And just like the temperate outside, I’m feeling 22! Today’s song of the day is 22 by Taylor Swift. Positive, uplifting, catchy – just overlook the fact that the artist looks like a plastic sex doll with a VERY healthy dose of makeup caked on. How is that much makeup a good look?!?

Some big news in the investigation of Russian meddling in the U.S. elections. I understand that there may have been “NO COLLUSION” with the trump administration, but you can’t tell me Russia’s tactics didn’t influence the outcome. So this gives me an idea – elections for the Supreme People’s Assembly in North Korea are held every five years, the last being held in 2014. Wouldn’t it be simple enough to hire Vlad’s troll farm, create a number of fake profiles on North Korea’s various social media platforms, and run a smear campaign against Lil’ Rocket Man? We’ll pick one of his various challengers, connect with local, politically-charged organizers, and launch grassroots rallies to undermine LRM’s oppressive totalitarian regime. No problem.

Separately, a buddy sent me the following and I absolutely love it:

Next, a bad hombre sent me the following link: You Can Now Buy a Chocolate Mold of Your Partner’s Anus, Just in Time for the Holidays. Article below:

If you’re looking for something to say, “I love you, happy holidays!!” why not get a chocolate mold of your anus and gift it to your boo? Or, grab a mold of your significant other’s behind to show them just how much you adore their poop shoot. While it seems a bit crazy, and a bit #fakenews, this is the real deal, y’all. If you’re as obsessed with your partner’s ass as they are with yours, show them the right way by making it edible. Edible Anus, a company that specializes in – you guessed it – edible anus’, will send you a box of three chocolate butts for only $10. Magnus Irvin, the owner of Edible Anus, is clearly onto something here.

Irvin came up with this idea in 2006 when he was working on an art exhibit featuring several different color chocolate anus’ (you think he has a type?). He used his own anus apparently, and the product came out a bit messy. But, he came up with the idea to mold other people’s butts and sell them for profit. Even better.

When creating the mold, you’ll have to sit in a bit of an awkward position (obviously), but it’s all worth it for art and glory, am I right? If you’re not into chocolate and think it’s a bit too much like poop coming out of your anus, you can splurge and get your significant other a bronze or silver replica of your anus.

Don’t worry, it will only run you about $500 for them – a perfect price to pay for a beautiful booty-hole. People on Twitter were both amazed and dumbfounded that this is an actual business, but hey, to each their own.

Word to the wise? Don’t have beans the day before your mold appointment. Just sayin’.

Everyone Always Says That Our Generation Doesn’t Want to Make Anything…

…that we’re entitled, refuse the threat of hard labor, and are merely paper-pushers looking to make the next quick buck without actually producing anything.

Bullshit. That’s a Grade-A load of malarkey. That sort of nonsense is on par with Chelsea Manning kicking off its political campaign with theme song Born This Way by Lady Ga-gaaa. I have no qualms with rolling up my sleeves and getting to work. In fact, I have every intention of making the world’s first Quintuple Levered, Rolling Ten-Year Forward-Contract ETF based on a price-weighted, hourly-rebalanced, ever changing basket of Venezuelan-based cryptocurrencies.

And sort of like my caught-in-limbo friend R. Batory, this ETF may seem a bit ar-bitrary. And just like the threat of a proliferation of overly complex Venezuelan cryptocurrency ETFs, having too many FRA Deputy Administrators could be problematic, just Juan is good enough.

And now, I give you the greatest cereal you’ll ever eat again:

Well. Second only to Trix, but we all know how that turns out: