Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

The Trumps vs. The Bluths: A Posting by Arch Stanton

Good ol’ boy Arch Stanton shared some words of wisdom with me a few weeks ago that are entirely worthy (okay, everything is worthy of this capitalist rag) of Musings and Malarkey.  And without further delay, I give you Mr. Stanton.

Arch on the Trumps vs. the Bluths:  Let’s look at the similarities between the Trumps and the Bluths.  Made their money in shady real estate dealings but had dozens of other half assed ideas/schemes that went terribly wrong.  Terrible attorneys.  “Light treason.”  Ditzy daughter who stands in opposition to everything the family does with high-visibility, low-impact charities.  The brothers are simultaneously manchildren and impossible idiots thinking they’re in control of things.  Tell me you can’t see Eric Trumps face on GOBs in the Magicians Alliance holding a sign “WE DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”  General confusion about religion.  They both are involved in a beauty pageants.  The parental-child relationship a la MotherBoy.  Their charities being shady fronts.

Arch on Greeks following the posting on Arianna Huffington:  And still more in casual racism!  Went to a Greek place for lunch, and this girl was DISGUSTED with my reflections on the laziness and general indifference of the Greek culture.  1) That’s not even racism, just specific xenophobia.  2) This isn’t really based in stereotype, we all know why the country collapsed.  3) They should try harder.  I’ll spot the Greeks democracy – great job, we can all agree, but the next 2000 years and your next biggest contribution to society is fucking yogurt?  4) Not my fault I don’t want this lady’s armpit hair in my gyro and hummus.  5) Okay the last one was kind of racist.

I’d like to extend a warm “thank you” to Arch Stanton for his input.  And finally, an AMAZING video on The Donald: Donald Trumps CNN on Monday Night RAW.

Song of the Day (6/30/2017)

Today’s song of the day is Bitch Better Have my Money by Rihanna.  Now for some entertaining/informative observations from the last few days:

1). Came across a urinal with an interesting print on the bottom.  There’s no way (“you’re as bad at hockey as you are at golf” – Bob Barker) this design is intentional but it doesn’t take much stretch of the imagination to see where I’m going with this:

2). You all know my opinion on indoctrination, hypocrisy, and religion.  Well there’s not much of the first two here, but this has to be one of the best names for a religious-affiliated, FOR- PROFIT store:

3). Stumbled across two adult websites with the most amazing themes: 1) Industry Invaders and 2) Fake Hospital.  To quote Judge Smails from Caddyshack, top notch, TOP NOOOOTCH!  Speaking of which, came across this a few weeks ago:

4). Found a company with a really interesting logo; they have a cock and a “number 2” popping out of their barn door.  Sounds messy.

5). This.  Bitch.  This woman – La Sha (for short?  For long?  Now for hire?) – should be thrown in a crate and shipped off to North Korea like the pond scum that she is.  Here’s the article I am referencing and here are the photos in case you miss it:

I’m not going to waste my time ripping her apart – she’s not worth it.  But, if the premise of this article and the way this worthless sack of shit presents herself to the world pisses you off, this 8 minute video is well worth your time.  The video solely discusses this article and deconstructs in a way that a child, although apparently not La Sha, can understand.  Put her on the next ship to North Korea and let her fend for herself.

6). When was the last time you saw a middle aged Jew in a button down and sport coat at a coffee shop reading XX for Dummies?  Well now you have:

7). Ending on a positive note.  How amazing is this technology.  This is so baller!

Ellen Pao: Making a Difference, One Frivolous Lawsuit at a Time

When some people hear the terms Ellen Pao and Frivolous Lawsuit in the same breath, their minds go to Ellen’s husband and better half, Alphonse “Buddy” Fletcher Jr.  Nice man, nice man.  Made a fortune in filing frivolous racial discrimination lawsuits (reference below:).

So now that you have good-guy Buddy’s background and you know that he’s the better half of the two, let’s dive in, lift up the skirt, and grab Ellen Pao by the ego, shall we?  And here. We. Go.

1). 

Making a difference?  Yup, Reddit community really loved her.  This woman has followers?!?  WTF?!?  I thought only Mohamed El-Erian and Jeff Bezos had followers.  Like most people, her only power lies in you remaining a willing audience.  Walk away and this woman has nothing.  Secondly, HER MIDDLE INITIAL IS “K”?!?  K. Pao? Really?!?

There!  How is it, feeling like the in-house counsel at Kleiner Perkins?  Just a barrage of fucking letters and lawsuits from very ambitious and very disgruntled Ellen K-Pao.

2). 

Ugh, skills and endorsements.  I’ll refrain as I have good pals who do this but it’s taking me a fair amount of restraint.  Anyway.  Back to EP, Phone Gender Discrimination Lawyer.  Her first skill is strategic partnership.  I literally cannot think of a single more strategic partnership than sleeping around the office to climb the corporate ladder, which she did…with a married coworker.  And she still fucked that up.  Alas, it turns out her sleeping around was with the wrong individual(s).  Evidently, Yellin’ Ellen fails to understand how to sleep around with the “right” senior partners.  Dock her a second round interview for overexaggerating her ability to execute on strategic partnerships and for lying on her LinkedIn page.

3). 

That’s just the problem, Mark: she’s crammed but it was with the wrong partner!  Don’t you get it?  She’s never going to make senior investment professional until she puts out with the “right” person.  And Vittorio, dude, we all know that Pao is going to be analytical but we know for a fact that she’s absolutely not a pleasure – hence the missed promotions!

The title of “corporate whistleblower” sounds a lot hotter than it is, just ask Ajit Nazre’s sushi slammer.

Also, destined to be a leader in her industry?  This part could be true. She’s one of the first women in VC.  She’s a canary in the coal mine.  I’d even go as far as to call her a guinea pig if I didn’t think she’d go and bite into herself.

4). 

That’s it?  That’s all Carl gets?  She spent more time with her coworker’s balls in her mouth than she did helping a close friend.  Great gal.  I suppose it’s on to the next deep pocketed employer.

The Universal Phenomenon of [People] Interrupting [People]

Here’s the article: The Universal Phenomenon of Men Interrupting Women

Here are the videos of Kamala Harris and her cronies taking hypocrisy to an astonishing new level: 1) Montage: Harris Interupting Sessions; 6-13-2017 and 2) Senator Interrupted by Chair in Two Hearings (with my father, it’s the vision – mom’s housekeeper?…GOB’s girlfriend).

Now I’ll tell you right now that I don’t like Jeff Sessions.  But this hypocritical bullshit has to be stopped.  It’s getting old.  Really old.  Going forward, for each comment that Arianna Huffington makes on this subject, I’m going to interupt two female colleagues…twice.

Can we also admire just how Greek Arianna appears?  It’s like what’s going to happen first, Greek hits the debt ceiling or Arianna hits the glass ceiling?  Stay tuned…

Song of the Day (6/2/2017)…And a Free Hot Plate!

Happy Friday to both of you.  Due to time constraints, I plan to hearken back to my Germanic roots and plow through this post with unprecedented speed and efficiency.  In order to pay my respects to two great nations, today’s song of the day is Amerika by Rammstein.  Before I forget: I’d give my virginity to the man who finds me a pair of Reagan Bush ’84 croakies.

1)  Kicking it off with a common theme on Musings and Malarkey.  WHY THE FUCK DOES OHIO DO THIS TO ITSELF?!?  A professor once told me that the primary difference between humans and animals (okay, another solid song of the day: The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang) is that humans feel shame.  Apparently not in Ohio.

I can’t stand driving in Ohio.  I’m on the road and I have an asshole in front of me and a dick behind me.  It’s one big fucking daisy chain except no one here cares about my dick.  And this seriously has to be the whitest town in America ever since Augusta National Golf Club started allowing blacks.  (Can I say that?)

Heard an ad on the radio for the following URL.  How is this a real URL?!?  How dense can these people be?  www.CincinnatiNorthernKentuckyHondaDealers.com/

2)  There’s a first time for everything.  Playboy’s (this was a nudie magazine in high volume circulation prior to the advent of the internet and brazilian fart porn) first issue was released in December 1953…  64 years later and we have the first time in history where we ACTUALLY need a centerfold:

Somewhat related: while watching porn, do you completely lose all interest as soon as the porn star pulls out a condom?  I do.  FFS, be dedicated to your craft.  Ughhhh, fine, scratch that.  Gator’s bitches better be using jimmies!!!  Tangent: who else gets filled with creamy glee as soon as they see the word “reluctant” in a porn title?

Apparently, Amy was “always really confident.”  Cute!  I’d probably bang.  But only if I could put paper bags over those cankles.

3)  This is more informative in nature.  For my homies who like caffeine, this is purely caffeine – no nicotine or tobacco – and you can swallow it so no need to spit.  I’m not a dipper/chewer but I may get hooked on these.  Caramel was a good taste.  Caramel coffee pouches, that is…  From what I hear, usually the caramels go for the menthols.

Whoops, nearly forgot about another helpful hint.  You should go out and download the Genius Scan app.  It’s free.  It’s on your phone.  You can take photos that automatically convert to PDFs.  Very helpful while on the road and without a scanner and the quality is actually good.  Use this app, you’ll thank me.

4)  Presented without comment.  UGHHHH I wanna comment so bad.  I’ll refrain.

5)  Largest bass caught in Texas lake using McDonald’s chicken McNugget.  How long before the Bass sues McDonald’s for finding a fingernail in it’s McNuggets?  Pardon the Fox News, that was the first link to come up.

6)  Found a rear-wheel drive scrotum in Chicago last week:

7)  Y’all know I fucking love Pickleball.  Check out what I stumbled upon:

8)  This next one is sure to offend!  My dad left me a voicemail.  Somehow, “he’s looking for an Illinois based bank to buy with about $150 million in assets under management” became the following:

One of the partners at my firm is black so this deal could be perfect for us…

9)  With regard to the following, as the Meditative Mandarin put it, “I do enjoy how the liberal narrative on this is whipsawing just as much as Trump”:

10)  I recently heard a story about McDonald’s in which a child vomited in the play area ball pit and it mixed in with the balls such that no one noticed the issue for days.  Now you’ve got to ask yourself: what do you search for when looking for someone to fix the problem?  Do you hop on Craigslist and search for “Ball Cleaners?”  I’m guessing they’ll have a lot of 5 star and a lot of 1 star ratings…  Top ten items of the day, and that’s all, folks!

11)  But this posting goes up to eleven…  Donald Trump is the best example of why the abortion debate is all fucked up.  Are you pro-choice supporters seriously arguing about the timing cutoff for abortions?  If we could’ve just increased the cutoff from first trimester to allowing parents to abort their children up to the age of 13, Fred may have played his cards differently and today we wouldn’t be exiting the Paris Climate Accord like a bunch of myopic state schoolers.  On the plus side (see also: Amy Schumer), the Donald’s Accord antics have distracted the media at home from the Kushner-Russia ties and the obstruction of justice with Comey.  Can’t we get back to the real issues, like the Dakota Access Pipeline and it’s impact on the native Sioux?  Or should we drop it and just agree that apples (the Sioux) and oranges (the Donald) don’t mix?

Well, I’m back to work and to listening to my playlist.  Queen is #7 on the list: and if you look at this comment in a vacuum, it sounds more like Train.  I leave you with a product plug for my American-made finance/gaming friends:

Well, I just pounded one out and now I’m headed to rip a fatty while tearing one off.  Enjoy your weekend!