Hurricane Harvey Grabs Headlines

…and some snatch.  First Donny-T and then this…didn’t Bernie warn us about the billionaire class?

Count it.

With the media and celebrities viciously attacking Handsy Weinstein, I ask you this: who’s the real victim here?

Of course I’m joking.  But, is it really workplace sexual harassment if one participant is more senior than the other?  I don’t know, I’m just asking questions, man.

Now a photo share from our very own Arch Stanton:

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Isaac Newton was a DICK

But before I dive in head first (like Pete Rose), if you received the “Random Bidtits (10/4/2017)” email but didn’t read the post online, you’re missing out on a final paragraph following the photo of the porn stars (how many blogs can begin with this).  Posted that mofo before it was finished.

As for the topic of this post, we’ve again been graced with the boundless insights of the Meditative Mandarin.  He shared a story about Isaac Newton:

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”

The enterprise of mankind as embodied in our advance of knowledge is built on the pattern of Shoulders of Giants.  Human knowledge and understanding is a very cumulative affair.

The quotation above was written by Isaac Newton as a backhanded insult directed squarely at Robert Hooke (1635-1702), with whom Newton carried on a life long, bitter rivalry.  Newton used this quote in a letter responding to Hooke’s claim that Newton stole the hypothesis on light from Hooke’s “Micrographia.”  Newton was familiar with Micrographia and claimed that Hooke took much of the work from Descartes who – claimed Newton – took his work from Marcantonia de Dominis and Ariotto.  The comment was very likely intended to be sarcastic as Hooke was a very short man, practically a midget.

Enough on Newton.  Now let’s talk about achieving his level of brilliance.  Start fluffing your neckbeards.  Study: Playing Starcraft can Increase your Cognitive Abilities

Random Bidtits (9/20/2017)

The below is a urologist…and an actual person:

For those of you not getting it, that’s Dr. Dick Tapper, Urologist.

WTF is going on with all of these hurricanes in the Gulf?!?

First there was Harvey.  Then there was Irma, which was below initial expectations.  Then there was Jose…following the media spectacle that was Harvey and Irma, Jose never garnered the same attention – getting national coverage is tough and that’s one wall Jose couldn’t climb.  And now Maria.  But how do you solve a problem like Maria?  You stand up to it and stare it down in the face.  You make it your property, like vintage Batman did:

And finally, Warheads flavored lifting supplements followed by blatant concept theft:

I’ll leave you with a thought: I love the idea of colored toilet paper but then I can’t wipe effectively in low-light situations.  Amirite.

Happy Ides of the Ides of March!  And Happy Ides of September, brah!

Yo, home girl!  What’s good?  Happy Friday!  Random thought a good hombre shared with me this week: you can’t spell “advertisements” without “semen” between the “tits.”  Now you know!

Like that joke?  Well, Reagan be with you.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been taking creatine or because I’ve been pounding my clamhammer more than usual, but I’ve been having some serious issues with drippage while peeing over the last year.  I can’t stop pissing on the bathroom floor when I stand to pee and it’s really upsetting my cohabitants.  Well I came across the below last weekend and it added insult to injury.

This is no joke.  I keep pissing on the floor, whether it be a result of a spray action or multiple stream action dynamic.  Who wants to take a “piss funnel” to shark tank?

Before I forget, the quality of reporting at the Wall Street Journal is really falling apart:

They screwed up the article title with that extraneous “to” in there.  If he sees it, I doubt Woo Beijing is going to be very happy about this.

And finally, the topic about which I know both of you care profoundly: poop.  Yesterday, I dropped off the Cosby kids at the pool (I know they’re Cosby kids but they were lucid and conscious when I dropped them off) and wow, we’re talking MJ, funk of forty thousand years musk.  Much like the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait in 1990, I stormed in, tore shit up, dropped mortar rounds, decimated the local flora and fauna, and GTFO.  Unfortunately for those in the stalls next to me, I didn’t set my deed on fire during my hasty retreat.  The experience reminded me of a shit I found in a gas station bathroom this summer:

Spend some time on that photo.  Notice anything?  AS IN, HOW THE FUCK DID THE GUY PINCH ONE OFF THAT HIGH UP ON THE BOWL?!?  Seriously, how did he do it?  1)  Does he have a second anus at the top of his crack with a strong horizontal trajectory?  2)  Did he thrust it out with such great force that it literally bounced off the water, breaking all known laws of molecular cohesion?  3)  Did he angle his buttcheeks as to bank it off the side and rim it around the bowl only to land on the top of the back?

He needs this (I took this photo back in May – finally using it):

Overheard a line this morning by David Feherty that “the ball went into the cabbage and is now swallowed up.”  Hopefully that’ll be a good omen for my Friday night.  David also said that the golfer was really working hard on the slope…that’s how my friend lost his virginity!

And finally, because I can’t leave both of you with a thinly veiled racist comment, I ordered a pizza a few weeks ago that sounded a lot like I was filling out a dating preferences profile:

“Half baked” and “cut” are spot on but I’m missing the fromunda cheese option.

And because Arch Stanton likes redheads, this one is for him/her:

Today’s song of the day, for those of you who have the patience for my cow dung, is 679 by Fetty Wap.  Happy Friday and have an absolutely, positively terrific weekend!!!  Remember, it’s Labor Day only one day of the year but it’s Capital Day 364 days a year!

Random Bidtits (8/17/2017)

Not much here other than a collection of some solid (although not in the case of my poops) things I’ve come across in recent weeks.  Unfortunately, I’ve been busy splitting my time between working (a novel concept) and splitting the porcelain (more of a navel concept).  I spent this morning perched on the throne, feeling something like Yertle the Turtle meets Lord of the Flies.  I finished up, looked down, and realized I could probably use that bad boy as a starter log.  Anyone want to go camping/grilling?

Separately, it’s been a struggle waking up ever since I cut substances out of my life, excluding caffeine.  Today, I’m stuck waking up from the light bursting through my window.  In yesteryear, I was up at 4:00am, 6:00am, and 7:00am, shitting my brains out from the prior evening’s munchies raid on the fridge.  Oy vey, adulthood.  Although it’s nice to wake up gradually in the morning rather than hastily respond to my colon’s every beck and call.  And I won’t have to watch my friends light up their “bowls” and say “that’s a nice crescent moon rising” as the fire burns its way across the bowl.  Still, I continue to shit my brains out like a pro, sweating on the seat like a Puerto Rican at a traffic stop.  This morning, for a brief moment in time, I even considered using my girlfriend’s Waterpik to get the caked shit off the porcelain.  I ended up wrestling that puppy down the toilet – even had the log in a headlock for a brief time.  Looking forward to sending this brown beast to the municipal water and sewage department – what a way to kickoff Trump’s $1 trillion infrastructure plan!  Hopefully they’re shovel-ready.

Next is a great DIY item for keeping your headphones organized:

You need two clothes pins, some super glue, and some child labor headphones from the good people at Apple.  You’d think Tim Cook would throw in the clothes pins for free given his affinity for wood.  And per the glue, “don’t just stand there!  Go and get some glue” – Judge Elihu Smails.

Next, came across the following in my travels to Texas (reminds me of the old “butt cheeks a-flexin’, squeezing out another Texan”):

Reminded me of:

Speaking of cool references, I found what appears to be a super cool house:

Wow.  Cool.  Now for something that’s actually cool.  For all my homies who support laissez faire economics, this next photo carries a great message:

Another thought is the Federal Reserve keeping interest rates low for as long as they have…what other avenues can they pursue if we enter another prolonged recession?  Much like the original purpose of the Prince Albert during the middle ages, the Fed won’t have much wiggle room (please, please get that joke.  And credit me when you use it down the road).

Another bullshit license plate for which I can’t think of anything clever or witty:

And finally, for my Arrested Development fans who are far too committed to the first three seasons (as I am) and have far too much knowledge of obscure jokes from the show, guest commentator and all around good guy Dr. Bluman shared this photo with me:

…it’s an inner beauty salon in Japan.  And for those of you struggling, hopefully you’ll remember that Annabelle (because her body is shaped like a…she’s the belle of the ball!) Veal was in an inner beauty pageant.  Great find, Dr. Bluman.  I’ll make sure the shout out gets to you in Phoenix.

Well I’m off to cover myself and some buddies in velcro.  We’re putting on velcro suits and running through Chinatown.  The bro with the most Asians stuck to him at the end wins.  Although I’ll probably pound my pud before I go.  I should’ve been a sperm donor…I’d be making money hand over fist!  Like the joke?  Then give me a fist bump!

The Trumps vs. The Bluths: A Posting by Arch Stanton

Good ol’ boy Arch Stanton shared some words of wisdom with me a few weeks ago that are entirely worthy (okay, everything is worthy of this capitalist rag) of Musings and Malarkey.  And without further delay, I give you Mr. Stanton.

Arch on the Trumps vs. the Bluths:  Let’s look at the similarities between the Trumps and the Bluths.  Made their money in shady real estate dealings but had dozens of other half assed ideas/schemes that went terribly wrong.  Terrible attorneys.  “Light treason.”  Ditzy daughter who stands in opposition to everything the family does with high-visibility, low-impact charities.  The brothers are simultaneously manchildren and impossible idiots thinking they’re in control of things.  Tell me you can’t see Eric Trumps face on GOBs in the Magicians Alliance holding a sign “WE DEMAND TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.”  General confusion about religion.  They both are involved in a beauty pageants.  The parental-child relationship a la MotherBoy.  Their charities being shady fronts.

Arch on Greeks following the posting on Arianna Huffington:  And still more in casual racism!  Went to a Greek place for lunch, and this girl was DISGUSTED with my reflections on the laziness and general indifference of the Greek culture.  1) That’s not even racism, just specific xenophobia.  2) This isn’t really based in stereotype, we all know why the country collapsed.  3) They should try harder.  I’ll spot the Greeks democracy – great job, we can all agree, but the next 2000 years and your next biggest contribution to society is fucking yogurt?  4) Not my fault I don’t want this lady’s armpit hair in my gyro and hummus.  5) Okay the last one was kind of racist.

I’d like to extend a warm “thank you” to Arch Stanton for his input.  And finally, an AMAZING video on The Donald: Donald Trumps CNN on Monday Night RAW.

Song of the Day (6/30/2017)

Today’s song of the day is Bitch Better Have my Money by Rihanna.  Now for some entertaining/informative observations from the last few days:

1). Came across a urinal with an interesting print on the bottom.  There’s no way (“you’re as bad at hockey as you are at golf” – Bob Barker) this design is intentional but it doesn’t take much stretch of the imagination to see where I’m going with this:

2). You all know my opinion on indoctrination, hypocrisy, and religion.  Well there’s not much of the first two here, but this has to be one of the best names for a religious-affiliated, FOR- PROFIT store:

3). Stumbled across two adult websites with the most amazing themes: 1) Industry Invaders and 2) Fake Hospital.  To quote Judge Smails from Caddyshack, top notch, TOP NOOOOTCH!  Speaking of which, came across this a few weeks ago:

4). Found a company with a really interesting logo; they have a cock and a “number 2” popping out of their barn door.  Sounds messy.

5). This.  Bitch.  This woman – La Sha (for short?  For long?  Now for hire?) – should be thrown in a crate and shipped off to North Korea like the pond scum that she is.  Here’s the article I am referencing and here are the photos in case you miss it:

I’m not going to waste my time ripping her apart – she’s not worth it.  But, if the premise of this article and the way this worthless sack of shit presents herself to the world pisses you off, this 8 minute video is well worth your time.  The video solely discusses this article and deconstructs in a way that a child, although apparently not La Sha, can understand.  Put her on the next ship to North Korea and let her fend for herself.

6). When was the last time you saw a middle aged Jew in a button down and sport coat at a coffee shop reading XX for Dummies?  Well now you have:

7). Ending on a positive note.  How amazing is this technology.  This is so baller!