Song of the Day (11/8/2018)

Great song!!!!! Today, it’s Magic of Love by Two Steps from Hell. Whether pumping iron, pounding the pavement, or raiding dungeons, this will keep the flow in your mojo. Now for some amusing photos:

I came across another advertisement for my good friend Dick’s wife:

That’s a head scratcher.

Finally, did you know that you can make crystals out of coal and peanut butter? Please watch this amazing 1 minute video: https://youtu.be/kgY_3HwsO04. The scrambled eggs and sparkling water are on fleek!

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Random Bidtits (11/6/2018)

But first, some geographic trivia: Did you know that there’s a Town of China in Maine?  There’s even a Village of South China in China, Maine.  Wow, cool!  Did you know there’s also a City of Palestine, Texas?  Wowsers!  My fellow xBone/PS4 neckbeards will be equally thrilled to know that there’s a City of Beardstown, Illinois.  Righteous!

If you’re planning on visiting these locations, I highly recommend avoiding the mean streets of Chiraq.  Check out the following picture:

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Now zoom in on that rear window.  See it?  That’s an 8.5″ x 11″ piece of paper that reads “Be Careful, Student Driver”…BLOCKING 40% OF THE STUDENT DRIVER’S REAR VIEW!!!  Responsible parenting.

Applying to new jobs?  Terrific!  I came across a novel way of getting yourself out there: change your name to the exact position for which you’re applying!  Got it?  For example, don’t bother applying for the position of Dean at any of Chicago’s Econ Departments, this bad hombre en el chaleco has you beat:

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That’s one clever mofo.  Sorry if I’m bouncing around over here, although fortunately not literally as I’m drafting this missive whilst taming the throne.  I’m loving my new diet but unclogging these logjams has become a full-time job.  Someday, I’m going to patent a toilet that has the same flush force as this bad boy:

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Imagine, if you will, the sheer force of the water pumping through those hoses!  I want my waterlogged turd approaching the sound barrier as it’s hastily propelled toward the municipal cooling ponds.  Very much akin to a particle accelerator, only in this case, it begins with a black hole.  I refuse to get stuck in the balneae past with you luddites.  Speaking of luddites, whatever became of the radical Fluffers Union?  I have a vague recollection of Fluffers Local ### protesting the Viagra launch in 1998, going so far as breaking into porn studios and toppling chairs and tossing throw pillows onto the floor in spectacular protest.  Have they admitted defeat and let Big Medicine claim another victory against hand labor and lots of elbow grease?  Those rascals.

And finally, I may have shared these in the past but I don’t believe that to be the case.  Here are three great articles that are worth your time.  Well, maybe just the Manafort and Eight Days articles, but the Ohio coal-fired power plant article isn’t bad.  Here you go:

  • The Plot Against America: Decades before he ran the Trump campaign, Paul Manafort’s pursuit of foreign cash and shady deals laid the groundwork for the corruption of Washington.
  • Why Do Americans Stay When Their Town Has No Future?: Family and community are the only things left in Adams County, Ohio, as the coal-fired power plants abandon ship and the government shrugs.
  • Eight Days: The battle to save the American financial system.

“I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” – Ronald Reagan

Random Bidtits (10/25/2018)

Y’all like amazon?!? Not just the stock – everyone likes the stock – but the online marketplace? Well check out this cool shit:

Also, I heard a bad hombre badmouthing Donald’s dong the other day and realized this thing isn’t going to stand up for itself…okay, maybe it would. But that thing ain’t no toadstool, Donny is packin’ Mr. Snuffleupagus down there, believe me!

Going through my texts and was reminded of a baby shower I attended a month or so ago. The parents chose a bar as the venue, but it was the sort of bar with a wall of taps and the consumer is left to choose their own glass, swipe their special card, and fill ‘er up while paying by the ounce. Aside from sounding strangely reminiscent of my days as a hungry gigolo back in college, I had to question whether it would be borderline blasphemous for me to steal the child’s afterlife and baptize it under the Natty Lite tap right then and there. Unfortunately, I had already tapped out the keg and was more focused on regaining control of my colon before the natty splatties reared their ugly head.

Before I forget, you guys NEED to go to HomeGoods and drop a mere $80 for this thing:

5’6″ tall. $80. Guys… $80. That’s nothing. I’m seriously debating this investment. Not just for me, but for my children, and my children’s children.

And finally, please, please, PLEASE watch this 1 minute Holiday Special South Park video. Unlike Tobias Funkë, I’m not a big “TV” person, but this video is the greatest thing you’ll ever watch.

Fuck you, Megyn Kelly. AND FUCK YOU ELLEN PAO!

Random Bidtits (10/22/2018)

Arianna Huffington, ever at the forefront of business stagnation and frivolous personal pursuits, has some really valuable insights for you on her LinkedIn account:

I imagine Elizabeth’s theories on dressing for success are somewhat one dimensional: does she wear the orange jumper or does she wear the black and white pinstripes jumper today? Arianna is such a vagina. Speaking of vaginas, check out the sex toy for your grandparents:

Okay, let’s leave Arianna Huffington and step back into the realm of reality. Here are two very neat technologies that you may enjoy: a jet suit that legitimately works (3 minute YouTube video here) and a remote control jet airplane that goes over 450 MPH (6 minute YouTube video here).

Alright, I’ll get back to pinching off this python.

Song of the Day (10/17/2018)

But first, who amongst you has heard of a TWENTY EIGHT (28) year old life coach? Well, prepare to be fucking dazzled:

This is real. This isn’t bullshit. But speaking of bullshit, I found my centerpiece for my living room:

How. Fucking. Cool. I’m not sure how many of you readers are practicing taxidermists (excluding lamb skin packers), but this puts anything you’ve ever achieved to shame. I like the idea of the Buffalo standing in the middle of my living room but should I choose to put the front half on the living room wall, I suppose I could put the back half on the other side of the wall in the adjacent dining room. Remains to be seen how my guests will enjoy Thanksgiving dinner while staring into the eye of a buffalo ring. Come for the turkey, stay for the buffalo.

You’ve been a patient reader, and for that, I give you the song of the day. It’s Popcorn by Verano. I used to drink heavily to this song until I realized that I want a buffalo in my living room and daily drinking won’t help. Speaking of, who can help me add buffalo to my public wish list?

And finally, the Catholic Church. Why the fuck is everyone always so guilt-ridden and mopey? Need proof? Here:

The ONLY one with his chin up is the Roman centurion. Mother Mary is much prettier when she’s smiling.

“All I’m for is the liberty of the individual.” – John Wayne

Random Bidtits (10/7/2018)

Annyonggggg!!! We begin today with some wonderful Arrested Development shoutouts from about town/internet. Check out this dude:

GILLIGANNNNN!!!!! And also this one:

Here come the neighborhood toughs (hot cops)!

Moving along, here’s a great video (https://www.instagram.com/p/BonBTJqlhDJ/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link) of a frat bro ripping a small keg. Keeping the dream alive. And a great video (https://youtu.be/TycfDgg4acY) on the political philosophies of the various Mario Kart characters. The second video is tremendously entertaining and worth your time.

Filling out an application for a Bank of America account? Pay careful attention to the list of available occupations, one of them is “Arms / Ammunition Dealer.” No shit, see below:

Back to LinkedIn. This is awkward:

I also came across a late middle-age male/female couple that both have the same millennial lesbian haircut:

A little discomforting, although not nearly as disconcerting as driving behind this chick on the highway:

Just ask me! Much like Brian Williams, I was there!

Just look at that crowd in the bumper sticker, you know who’s absolutely thrilled about it:

That smug, shit eating grin makes me so happy. Nearly through these photos that have been sitting on my phone for too long now. I nearly stepped on this little guy:

Where are my peeps that pump iron at Planet Fitness? Familiar with the lunk alarm? If so, you’ll like this short video: https://youtu.be/8eAj08nAFP4.

I’m guessing most of this readership is still in college, or acts like it. If watching Kavanaugh break through 11 tackles during his 100 yard touchdown run has inspired you to drink more beer, some drink markers are a great idea:

And finally, there HAS to be a better name for the following:

That name might send the wrong message…

Fucking finally through that. Sorry to dump that on you but these have been on my phone for too long and I’m too lazy to work them into anything more than just spraying and praying you like them.

Nominate Republican ’18.

“I’m the stuff men are made of.” – John Wayne (or was it Brett Kavanaugh?)

Song of the Day (9/20/2018)

Reagan, and happy (almost) Friday to you!

Recently, certain members of this readership have complained that the face of this blog is changing. Well, I’m here to tell you that as long as this blog has a face, this readership has somewhere to sit and read. Let that soak in.

I do apologize for the reduced frequency of these posts. I’ve been absolutely swamped at work. For two weeks, I’ve unsuccessfully tried to get past the M&A group at Apple and directly to CEO Tim Cook. I ask you: Why is the best fruit always forbidden?

Today’s song of the day is Girls Like You by Maroon 5. It’s fantastic, albeit a little gay…which is unfortunate given my last remaining gay reader probably just left the building.

Also! Remember my post a couple of weeks ago with a “PAYMENT” license plate? I literally just came across this:

I also came across this, which I’m confident Arch Stanton will adore:

Well, I need to get back to work. I wish I had more free time to devote to this blog but candidly, I’d probably be doing something else if I had more time. I really want to get back into slut shaming. Alas, it’s back to the office for me.