Song of the Day (7/10/2018)

I just tore ass on the train and it smells like something heinous. People around me are cringing and disturbed paranoia and frantic confusion have gripped my end of the car with a swift vigor matched only by the violent shifts somewhere between my anus and small intestines. Fortunately, the good people at my hotel have my back(side) covered:

Happy Fourth of July!!! May Reagan bless your feast and affairs. Today’s song of the day is YOLO by The Lonely Island featuring Adam Levine and Kendrick Lamar.

I was near President Reagan’s hometown last week before the Fourth:

While many people will tell you that Dixon, IL is a dump best left to the pages of history, I’m not so sure. In fact, like my friend, the SpoiledBBW, Dixon is beautiful…gorgeous…unique…she fine!

Oh, and before I forget to remember, you all need to go out and read When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. Fucking great read and outlook on life and immortality. Read it last week and it’s quick. I also read The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. Awful. I wouldn’t touch it with SpoiledBBW’s ten foot titty dildo.

Reagan bless this day.


Song of the Day (6/25/2018)

Hey girl! I was ass-deep in my dryer this weekend, attempting to unfuck the heating element when Alone by Heart came on the speakers. I proceeding to listen to it three more times following that initial orgasm. It’s super catchy so be careful, broheims. Speaking of ass-deep, I have to share a visual shared with me by Mr. Arch Stanton. To quote his oft-majestic prose, my ass has gotten hairy. It’s like someone hid a toupee between two couch cushions. Which reminds me, I need to give my coworker his scissors back.

Many of you know I’m a fan of hot foods. You also know I’m a fan of and quadrennial voter for John Wayne. Without further ado:

Do you like Louisiana style hot sauce? Love the heavy-on-the-vinegar taste? Pick up a bottle of this stuff. Delicious, not at all hot, and goes well on everything other than eggs and breakfast food (better left to Chalula):

Like fire Cheetos? Hot and spicy empty carbs? Don’t let the following name scare you, it’s spicy but not as hot as you’d expect:

And finally, for my fellow Wayne Eastwood 2020 voters, I ordered the fuck out of this over the weekend:

And finally, are you a fan of porn? Do you have a favorite website name? Not site, not genre, not tube aggregator, but site name? Currently, I’m digging:

Without ever visiting the site, you know EXACTLY what you’re getting here. That’s effective, high impact marketing. Doesn’t get much more black and white than that. Speaking of inherently knowing something without explicit details:

I don’t know what language that is (I think it’s French), but I again feel like I know EXACTLY what he saying. It’s inspiring how you don’t need to speak the same language to connect and find love. And in Bill Cosby’s case, they don’t need to speak at all. That one may have gone a bit too far. A tough pill to swallow for you SJW types…but like Bill Cosby, I’ll still verbally dress you down. GOOOOT ‘EM!

Arch Stanton Guest Posting: Fictional Women I Have Had A Crush On

As a child raised on television and pop culture, unlike dear Disillusioned Dilettante who was raised by CNBC and folk tales of Reagan in his Hollywood days, I have, at various points in time, developed romantic feelings for fictional characters. Don’t act like this is weird. Don’t act like you can’t relate. Don’t repress those memories. Embrace the fact you were in love with the figment of some dirty screenwriter’s who never existed, let alone someone who could actually disappoint you. This is getting dark. TO THE LIST! (DISILLUSIONED DILETTANTE OBLIGATORY ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT SHOUT OUT: “TO THE NUTS” – Uncle Jack)
Marion Ravenwood
Marion Ravenwood
If you thought this could start any other way, well, then my name isn’t Arch Stanton! (NOTE: my name is not Arch Stanton). Marion was an all-time badass – we first see her slugging down Nepali grog with the locals where she not only is hanging with them in a drinking contest, but winning. This has already endeared her to me as a child who had yet to drink – I know an elegant lady when I see one. This scene continues with Marion sassing Indiana Jones, which we can contextualize as “a woman telling a man to go pound sand in the 1940’s” (progressive!), and then beating some Nazi ass. This pattern continues throughout the movie – “Indy, what the fuck are you doing”, punch Nazi, “Indy don’t do that”, shoot Nazi. She didn’t need to be told twice not to look at the Ark, so she would be adequately prepared for the majesty of seeing me without my shirt on. Pluses abound!
I love a confident, intelligent and self-reliant woman, and Marion possesses all of these in spades.  Plus she is anti-Nazi, an important distinction to make early in this modern dating scene. If we’re going to get shallow (and we will obviously, you’ve read other things in this forum before), she has the most wonderful smile and freckles. The freckles absolutely killed me as a ten-year old, so much so that things I remembered about Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark after seeing first seeing it were 1.) Melted face, 2.) Marion’s freckles. Freckles will be a recurring theme for those preparing for the test at the end.
We’ll pretend Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and Mutt Williams never happened. If you don’t know, consider yourself blessed.
Jessica Rabbit
Looking back, I don’t understand the reasoning behind the making of Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Imagine the pitch (it’s 1988, there are mounds of cocaine everywhere, everyone is celebrating the Golden Years of America as the Era of Reagan continues under the guise of George Bush):
 – Exec 1: “How about a dark film noir about an alcoholic detective, roped back into one last gig to exonerate a man framed for murder who’s wife is cheating on him?”
– Exec 2: “YES, an edgy violent thriller!”
– Exec 1: “BUT FOR KIDS!”
– Exec 2: “…”
– Exec 2: “…”
/both do a huge line
/end scene
ANYWAY, I never understood the plot of this movie, and after reading the Wikipedia for the plot summary, I understand it less now than I previously did. But the purpose of Jessica Rabbit was very apparent – sexually confuse children with a cartoon bombshell with a bust roughly three times the size of her hips. I am unsure if my lifelong lust is a result of Jessica Rabbit, or if she was merely an early piece of this puzzle.
Unrelated to my affinity for Jessica Rabbit, but one of my favorite little things is to search “Jessica Rabbit” on Instagram after Halloween. Sends me right to my fainting couch every year.
Diane Chambers
 Diane Chambers
Diane spent most of her time on Cheers a neurotic trainwreck, toggling between being harassed by Sam Malone and emasculating him; in other words, she was the female lead in an 80’s sitcom. She’s very wispy, intelligent (or at least good at emulating an intelligent person), high-on-her-horses, elegantly snobby girl prone to long winded speeches or poetic quotations. Who doesn’t love poetry, amiright?!? She commonly leads Sam on, only to change her mind or prove to be difficult once things start to go her way, and at one point forcing Sam to propose roughly a dozen times, finding reasons to say no each time. That’s the type of emotional abuse I’m looking for in a woman!
I liked Diane a fair amount, and then my fondness grew exponentially upon seeing her half-assed replacement with Kirstie Alley’s Rebecca Howe. Give me a woman who will treat me like shit any day over a undiagnosed lunatic masquerading as a Scientologist. The point being, Diane seems like an obtainable mess of a person I would enjoy being around. This probably says a lot more about me than it does her.
Hermione Granger
The most predictable entry on this list. I like to think I was picking up what novel-Hermione was putting down as I read the first few Harry Potter books, but let’s be real – we liked Emma Watson. She was very intelligent, pro-active, and if we’re being real, the only member of the Harry-Ron-Hermione trifecta worth a shit. How would this series have been different if Hermione Granger was the title character? It would have been over in a book and a half with Hermione still maintaining a 4.0 GPA. “Oh, but Harry was so brave!” Brave is what leads people into thinking they can drive after starting St Patrick’s Day at 7 am, or trying to put hats on bears. The point I’m getting at is Hermione was a babe, and she’d be proud to be the breadwinner. She could win my bread any day, ya know what I mean? (NOTE: This is the dumbest conclusion.)
Kim Possible
Aww yeah, more animated redheads! To borrow some adjectives from Wikipedia: “assertive, confident, adventurous, and popular high school student who moonlights as a crime-fighter”, “flustered despite her own good looks, multiple talents, and heroics” and “suffer[ing] from perfectionism, and can be pushy, bossy, and very headstrong.” Middle school me was SOLD. I was not especially cool (SHOCKING REVELATION ABOUT THE GUY WRITING ABOUT CARTOON REDHEADS, I KNOW), so I think I was most into the fact Kim was cool more than a badass, still knowing deep down that she would be shitty to me if she were real. I liked that she was a high-strung perfectionist, because so was I, preferring to do all my homework on Friday afternoon instead of, ya know, going outside or playing videos. I showed all the haterz but going on to BIG things, like, uhh, writing anonymously on a blog devoted to Reagan fan fiction.
If you can’t tell, I am struggling to identify why I liked Kim Possible so much. She was a fox who beat people up. I don’t think I need to further defend my selection.
Margaery Tyrell
FINALLY to the Game of Thrones section, or, the “definitely old enough to know better” part of this essay. Margaery is graceful, resplendent, clever, witty and the center of any room she is in. I find myself wildly attracted to her personality knowing full well she would manipulate me and bend me to her will. COUNTERPOINT: looks absolutely idyllic topless. And fully clothed, for that matter. I stand by my decision.
At the risk of overloading on Game of Thrones nerdom…
That’s what I’m talking about. Another self-possessed badass who is taking no shit from anyone. And has red hair. Unlike Hermioe, who I believe I (probably) retroactively had a crush on in the books, there was no doubt when Ygritte showed up. She was down right shitty to Jon Snow, who if we’re being totally honest, deserved it, and constantly pulled his ass out of danger. She doesn’t possess the sophistication of others on this list, but makes up for it by being the biggest badass, being the only woman on a roving gang of wildlings. Because this is Game of Thrones – also looks great naked.
Takeaways: Part of me wants to paint this as an interesting tapestry reflecting on who I am, but c’mon – it’s pretty obvious. I like women who would never tolerate my shit in real life, preferable either A. sophisticated or B. a badass. So, my ideal woman would be like, Ronda Rousey in Fast and Furious 7 if we were to computer-generate my perfect woman somehow. But with red hair. Duh.

Guest Posting by Arch Stanton: Stormy Daniels: An Investigation

As you are well aware, el Presidente’s latest scandal involves his putting his Cheeto-dusted penis where it doesn’t belong ala Bill Clinton, our substitute-teacher President. Like you, I have taken violent steps to avoid hearing about a man in his sixties being paddled by a washed-up pornstar with a magazine with his face on the cover while talking about how much his mistress reminds him of his daughter, but, if you couldn’t tell, I know far more than I ever wanted to know. In light of these traumatic details, what do we really know about the woman who has POTUS trembling in his children’s sized-8.5 velcro-Sketchers? Did you know she ran for the Senate in 2010 as a Republican, and her manager’s car was blown up during the campaign, possibly due to allegations from her camp that the sitting Senator had embezzled funds for a lesbian/bondage/prostitution/nightclub? More important than that sure-to-be-INSANE-story, what has Stormy Daniels’ more notorious career looked like, and what specific videos do you think Donnie has seen? This calls for an INVESTIGATION!

(So the idea came up, and it turns out Stormy has been in at least 151 movies, with 78 director/writing credits and 31 credits as herself, so let’s just look at movies for which she was nominated or won — there are still 42 of those, but a bunch are more body-of-work (pun intended) related than single performances so it’ll move faster than this introductory paragraph).

“Beautiful” (2004) – Could easily be confused for some French arthouse flick with such a bland name. How are you even suppose to know what kind of plowin’ to expect with a title like that? Trump skipped this, and I don’t blame him.

“Not A Romance” (2004) – Better, but still not telling us much. Sounds kinda like one of those corny parody movies from the early 2000s like “Not Another Teen Movie” or “Meet the Spartans”. Ugh, a porn parody of a parody film. Trump probably skipped over this one due to the “Inception”-level of layering involved to understand the premise, which would be fucking.

“Eternity” (2005) – Donnie definitely checked this one out due to the volume of awards it won. Best couples sex scene (with Randy Spears), best all-girl sex scene (with Jessica Drake) and best actress. Stormy went Meryll Streep on “Eternity” and really committed here. Knowing Trump’s proclivity for the best and most endorsed and most respected items, we could bet Donald Jr (not him, the other one) is familar with “Eternity”.

“Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre” (2005) – What the fuck is this? Pornography and power tools is a terrible combination (NOTE – not really!), but what is the audience for pornos and massacres? This warrants immediate inclusion on a half-dozen watch lists, right? “The girls are nice, and the penetration is great, but what it’s really missing is some dismemberment!” I guess Rule 34 continues to be validated.

“3 Wishes” (2006) – I am imagining a genie theme here, but it’s with the wishes of a thirteen year old so all the wishes involve getting laid. I get the idea that it would make for a terrible porno if the wishes were logical (“I wish for job stability! I wish for a loving wife and kids!”) but the premise already annoys me. If you’re going to wish to fuck a pornstar, at least pick an attractive one without weirdly bolted-on boobs. Trump would love this because he used his last wish on being President, and the monkey paw is starting to fold in its last finger.

“Taken” (2006) – Believe it or not, this movie came out two years before the infamous Liam Neeson vehicle, but I am choosing to live in the world where Stormy Daniels starred in Taken. “..but what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career — now, take off those jeans!” Stormy Daniels bangs her way across Eastern Europe trying to rescue her kidnapped kid, and ultimately ends up living a gilded life on a weapon-trader’s yacht. I don’t remember much else about Liam Neeson’s “Taken”. Trump probably watched this.

“Operation: Desert Stormy” (2007) – Trump has yet to show much of an interest in the Middle East, so it’s unlikely he’s seen this, but I can confidently say George Bush has.

“Black Widow” (2007) – Another one where the title doesn’t tell us much. I’m picturing one of those adult films that tries to feature a complex thriller plot with a twist at the end that only the director could explain if you ply him with enough painkillers. It must be frustrating to have gone to college to direct and to end up zooming in on penetration, only to be phased out of that by horny frat dudes with handheld cameras. Like Picasso being reduced to selling Garfield prints in Central Park. J/K Jim Davis is the true star, and will one day receive his rightful place on Mount Rushmore after we chisel off that bum Lincoln.

“Heat” (2008) – Randy Spears makes his second appearance! I looked up Randy Spears because I have to know what a man with that alias looks like, and he looks like Jean Claude van Damme if he went into porn so, Jean Claude van Damme. “Heat” definitely sounds like a porno that was trying too hard. I say moderate chance the Donald saw this.

“The Wicked” (2009) – Vaguely erotic, probably a late night Showtime thing where it’s a lot of boobs but no other nudity or good stuff. Can you imagine Trump sitting in one of his hotel rooms with his pud in his hand waiting for THE GOOD STUFF only for the sheets to be pulled up or long shadows to be cast over the action? Trump’s seen “the Wicked”, and he hated the shit out of it.

“Whatever It Takes” (2010) – Wasn’t this a Spike Lee movie? Anyway, Stormy was nominated as the director for this one, so we probably don’t see her yams or vulva, so Donnie skipped this one too.

“Partly Stormy” (2010) – Oh yeah, here we go with the punny names! This is a great deal after Trump and Stormy had their alleged affair (2006), and while Stormy was undergoing her Senator campaign. Let’s pause for a moment as we place our right hand over our hearts and listen to “God Bless America” as we marinate in that last sentence. Middle of the road on likelihood he watched this one.

“Heart Strings” (2011) – Heart strings aren’t in the vagina (are they not? Mike Pence is a bit hazy on the subject), and it was another director nomination, so Trump skipped this too.

“Switch” (2013) – Best screenplay AND best director noms! I didn’t know either of these were a thing you could be nominated for in the adult film industry, but here we are, learning! I bet these awards on the ones they pass out before everyone gets to their seats and, ya know, passes out. No way he saw this.

I figured the names would be more, uhhh, “porn-y”, if that makes sense, and less mid-90s-thrillers. So what do we takeaway here? Nothing, really. Trump probably knows what Randy Spears’ dick looks like? The takeaway for me is “research before you just start writing some inane bullshit” and “Stormy Daniels isn’t very attractive for a pornstar”, and for you, the reader, a re-evaluation of your life choices that lead you to thinking about the President’s masturbatory habits for fifteen minutes.

Song of the Day (3/17/2018)

Today’s song of the day is Night’s On Fire by David Nail. Country song but pretty mainstream and solid.

So. Stormy Daniels. Turning out to be a real headache for Donald Trump of the East and his team of winged monkeys. There’s a real threat that she’s going to come out and actually admit that she had sexual relations with Trump. That said, if Hillary were elected, we would’ve been similarly dismayed had Slick Willy come out and actually admit that he has had sexual relations with Hillary.

This Stormy business will all blow over in time. Knowing that Trump was there first, how many more guys can be willing to tongue punch her fart box? Much like the Apple iWatch, she’ll eventually be forgotten as the channels dry up and she finds herself sliding around too few fists.

Which brings me to my next point – Happy (belated) International Women’s Day (two Thursdays ago)! There’s a new female in my office who began earlier that week and we hired her as we’re absolutely swamped with projects and client mandates. While us guys were at the office until 1am that Thursday for an upcoming presentation, she chose to leave and head home slightly before 7pm, no shit. Coincidentally enough, that’s exactly 77% of the day! A HORSE, A HORSE, MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!!! Find me the female analyst who stays late into the evening, toiling away on the keyboard to perfect that presentation. Find me the female analyst who foregoes personal relationships and hobbies to put the client above all else. Which female analyst will take this message and deliver it to Garcia?

Well, it’s St. Patrick’s Day, and I’m off to buy some Irish Cod filets to tenderize and slow-cook. In turns out, much like Aziz Ansari, I like home cooking oysters and mussels in my own kitchen, only he ultimately found a clam he couldn’t crack.

Well I’m off to take a shit before running to the seafood market. I had an appointment so I need someone to tell them I’m running behind, but not that I have a runny behind!


Huma Mahmood Abedin Moonlighting in Chicago?

Huma Mahmood Abedin. Or as you may know her, “Huma” (no relation to fellow A-list star and literal witness to unworldly keen depth perception, Uma Thurman).

No, Huma didn’t take her husband’s last name. Yes, Huma’s middle name reminds you of that particular appendage that shafted her political career. And much like her husband, Carlos Peligro, she’s been popping out in unexpected places. I think I found her in Chicago, here:

Huma mustafa changed her name.

Many of you don’t know this, but prior to being Vice Chair of Nasty Hillary’s 2016 campaign, Huma was Secretary Clinton’s Chief of Staff, a designation she couldn’t maintain with Carlos.

Here’s where I sign off and give you a nod of the head and a wink of the eye but I think Carlos Peligro already did that in those (alleged) photos.

Women and the Insurance Industry

Gooooooood MORNING MIDDLE AMERICAAAAA!!!!! Short posting today. The following is a great quote (although the sperm part is cringeworthy) from Erick Gray:

“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby.. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit!”

Pushing right along here. Making great time! The following is a terrific diagram of the pharma cash flow process:

Stay thirsty, mis amigos. I’ll be back when Bitcoin hits $100,000 or $100…whichever comes first.