Song of the Day (6/21/2017)

I was out motoring when an oldie from 1982 came on that I felt I needed to share with my reader(s, if you count me): it’s Goodbye to You by Scandal.  The music video is incredible so take the time to watch it.  I’m waiting for the day this gets released on Guitar Hero or Rock Band because holy cow is this catchy.  I’m also waiting for the light-hearted cover by Mo Thugs:

Surely the Compton community has fond memories of Reagan’s 1980s.  Speaking of which, I spotted two of my favorite things on my way to my hotel this week:

Speaking of hotel stays, I have a message for the front desk and the room cleaning staff: I don’t care if I’m only staying one night, one and a half rolls of TP is a BIG ask by management.  I’d wipe my gooch with the comforter if I didn’t think I’d get pregnant.

Fortunately I was able to avert crisis by stopping at a McDonalds to pinch off a fresh loaf.  The men’s and women’s rooms only had one stall each and both had a line so I was told to use the mixed bathroom located directly next to the seating area.  After downing four pills of senna lax that morning, I had serious concerns that the tectonic tremors pushing their way through my colon would be heard by innocent diners sitting 7 to 8 feet away from my trembling anus.  I felt my rectum violently shifting and had real concerns that the noises would easily penetrate the two inch door gap at the floor…but as fate would have it, the gods were smiling upon me that day.  There was no flatulence of which to speak…it was all liquid!  Literally pissing out of my ass – and nary a suspicion or eyebrow raised.  They thought I was peeing!  It seems my free trucker’s New Testament was a blessing:

And finally, my Arrested Development reference for the day:

Song of the Day (6/9/2017)

Happy Friday!  Today, we celebrate Comey’s testimony and Trump’s victory over democracy, so the song of the day is some good old fashioned pump-up music.  It’s Do You Love Me by The Contours.  Your darling Disillusioned Dilettante was camping in Southeastern Ohio last week and came across some not-so progressive sites:

And a new slogan for the Duke lacrosse team:

It’s North Carolina so feel free to keep the slogan AND the horse-fucker.

Meanwhile, Illinois residents actually have their shit together:

Some good news for Subway fans as well as for Subway spokesmen not allowed within 25 yards of children in the restaurant:

And finally, something that’s actually pretty neat.  For my millionaire friends shopping at Pier 1:

Revised Song of The Day (6/6/2017)

No one liked my Robin Hood Men in Tights reference in that last post?  For shame.  How obscure do you need me to get?!?  My references are spot on, guys.  Come on!


But the greater shame lies in me fucking up the song on the 73rd anniversary of D-Day.  Today’s song of the day is in dedication to all those who serve and protect the freedoms and liberties that we enjoy and love so much.  It’s A Soldier’s Pledge by Ronald Reagan.

Song of the Day (6/6/2017)

Today’s song of the day is If You Leave by Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark.  Beyond that, I saw my first ever Bugatti Veyron last week:

That’s a 16 cylinder, 1,000+ HP car that’ll burn through its entire 26 gallon gas tank in approximately 12 minutes at top speed (254 MPH).  I’m so hard right now.  Not only did I see the car, I touched it…

Well, who wants to get nerdy and play some HOTS?  I took some senna lax and just pooped so probably good to squeeze in a 25 minute game.

Song of the Day (6/2/2017)…And a Free Hot Plate!

Happy Friday to both of you.  Due to time constraints, I plan to hearken back to my Germanic roots and plow through this post with unprecedented speed and efficiency.  In order to pay my respects to two great nations, today’s song of the day is Amerika by Rammstein.  Before I forget: I’d give my virginity to the man who finds me a pair of Reagan Bush ’84 croakies.

1)  Kicking it off with a common theme on Musings and Malarkey.  WHY THE FUCK DOES OHIO DO THIS TO ITSELF?!?  A professor once told me that the primary difference between humans and animals (okay, another solid song of the day: The Bad Touch by the Bloodhound Gang) is that humans feel shame.  Apparently not in Ohio.

I can’t stand driving in Ohio.  I’m on the road and I have an asshole in front of me and a dick behind me.  It’s one big fucking daisy chain except no one here cares about my dick.  And this seriously has to be the whitest town in America ever since Augusta National Golf Club started allowing blacks.  (Can I say that?)

Heard an ad on the radio for the following URL.  How is this a real URL?!?  How dense can these people be?  www.CincinnatiNorthernKentuckyHondaDealers.com/

2)  There’s a first time for everything.  Playboy’s (this was a nudie magazine in high volume circulation prior to the advent of the internet and brazilian fart porn) first issue was released in December 1953…  64 years later and we have the first time in history where we ACTUALLY need a centerfold:

Somewhat related: while watching porn, do you completely lose all interest as soon as the porn star pulls out a condom?  I do.  FFS, be dedicated to your craft.  Ughhhh, fine, scratch that.  Gator’s bitches better be using jimmies!!!  Tangent: who else gets filled with creamy glee as soon as they see the word “reluctant” in a porn title?

Apparently, Amy was “always really confident.”  Cute!  I’d probably bang.  But only if I could put paper bags over those cankles.

3)  This is more informative in nature.  For my homies who like caffeine, this is purely caffeine – no nicotine or tobacco – and you can swallow it so no need to spit.  I’m not a dipper/chewer but I may get hooked on these.  Caramel was a good taste.  Caramel coffee pouches, that is…  From what I hear, usually the caramels go for the menthols.

Whoops, nearly forgot about another helpful hint.  You should go out and download the Genius Scan app.  It’s free.  It’s on your phone.  You can take photos that automatically convert to PDFs.  Very helpful while on the road and without a scanner and the quality is actually good.  Use this app, you’ll thank me.

4)  Presented without comment.  UGHHHH I wanna comment so bad.  I’ll refrain.

5)  Largest bass caught in Texas lake using McDonald’s chicken McNugget.  How long before the Bass sues McDonald’s for finding a fingernail in it’s McNuggets?  Pardon the Fox News, that was the first link to come up.

6)  Found a rear-wheel drive scrotum in Chicago last week:

7)  Y’all know I fucking love Pickleball.  Check out what I stumbled upon:

8)  This next one is sure to offend!  My dad left me a voicemail.  Somehow, “he’s looking for an Illinois based bank to buy with about $150 million in assets under management” became the following:

One of the partners at my firm is black so this deal could be perfect for us…

9)  With regard to the following, as the Meditative Mandarin put it, “I do enjoy how the liberal narrative on this is whipsawing just as much as Trump”:

10)  I recently heard a story about McDonald’s in which a child vomited in the play area ball pit and it mixed in with the balls such that no one noticed the issue for days.  Now you’ve got to ask yourself: what do you search for when looking for someone to fix the problem?  Do you hop on Craigslist and search for “Ball Cleaners?”  I’m guessing they’ll have a lot of 5 star and a lot of 1 star ratings…  Top ten items of the day, and that’s all, folks!

11)  But this posting goes up to eleven…  Donald Trump is the best example of why the abortion debate is all fucked up.  Are you pro-choice supporters seriously arguing about the timing cutoff for abortions?  If we could’ve just increased the cutoff from first trimester to allowing parents to abort their children up to the age of 13, Fred may have played his cards differently and today we wouldn’t be exiting the Paris Climate Accord like a bunch of myopic state schoolers.  On the plus side (see also: Amy Schumer), the Donald’s Accord antics have distracted the media at home from the Kushner-Russia ties and the obstruction of justice with Comey.  Can’t we get back to the real issues, like the Dakota Access Pipeline and it’s impact on the native Sioux?  Or should we drop it and just agree that apples (the Sioux) and oranges (the Donald) don’t mix?

Well, I’m back to work and to listening to my playlist.  Queen is #7 on the list: and if you look at this comment in a vacuum, it sounds more like Train.  I leave you with a product plug for my American-made finance/gaming friends:

Well, I just pounded one out and now I’m headed to rip a fatty while tearing one off.  Enjoy your weekend!

¡¡¡Happy Cinco De Mayo Veinte Diecisiete!!! (and Arrested Development)

Wishing everyone a warm and fuzzy Cinco De Mayo.

Okay, lot to cover here, so time to play ketchup.   In the spirit of Mexican heritage, I’m throwing up a massive text wall.  Don’t like it?  This posting just got 2 paragraphs longer.  More than once in my life, I’ve been told that from time to time I can be mildly insensitive to other cultures and ways of life.  Bullshit, but okay.  It’s Cinco De Mayo and I’d like to make good on appreciating other cultures, so today’s song of the day is Right Now by Psy (don’t be a dick, give the song a chance, it’s good).  Much better than the golden oldies song that came on this morning where the main course is “baaa ba-ba ba-baaaaa, I knowwww you..” – if this were the Middle East, I’d get stoned if I were caught singing this to my male friends.  They’re a very literal people.

As many of you know, I’m an absolute dios when it comes to Heroes of the Storm (“HOTS” for anyone who can throw a spiral or doesn’t suffer from asthma and backne).  Back in December, before evvvverything changed when Trump was inaugurated, I went into a game as Chogall, stacking party-of-five XP bonuses on top of the holiday XP bonuses, among others.  Had my first and only 500,000+ XP game.  You better fucking believe that print screen found its way onto the watermark on my resume.  Employers dig teamwork, persistence, and originality.  I have yet to get any calls back.  Not unlike:

Anyway, back to snapping the suspenders of the Mexican people.  I recently had a game of HOTS where I was Chogall and working in close tandem with a teammate from Mexico, or Portugal, down old South America way.

Roughly translated, Sabaoth’s first two constructive messages to me are 1) Chogal, fuck you shit, and 2) I give you a whore.  It may sound border-line (ugh) adversarial, but I think we had some good communication that game, a real productive tete-a-tete.  Look a few lines up and you find the most important message.  At all costs.  Protect.  The fucking.  Healing fountain.

I’m getting lazy today and have to get back to work (“They’ve got a bus, and they want to use parking lot to this building as a meeting place.  I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not a hardware store.  We can’t have them hanging around like a bunch of freeloaders looking for an easy buck.” – Lucille Bluth).  Spent too long on my last two posts: to quote a buddy, “your latest blog has so much packed in there you’d think it was Bruce Jenner post-op.”  Biting social commentary…even in its brevity, and like the woman, it still has a lot of meat on it.

Here are my relevant Arrested Development photos for Cinco:

Two tips of the day.  1) Raspberries and diet coke: best combination you’ve ever had.  Pop a few raspberries in your mouth and take a swig of the diet coke – it’s AMAZING.  2) People like Nutella on toast (although my readership seems to be white bread).  Put 2-3 Reese’s peanut butter eggs on a toasted bagel and make a sandwich of it, it’s INCREDIBLE.  Bonus recommendation from my cigarette-smoking-man/friend: chew on Icebreakers mints while smoking cigarettes – better tasting than menthol cigarettes.  I must admit that I’ve had my share of cigarettes in my day, but after watching Hans Landa in the following, I’m never putting another wimpy-ass f*g in my mouth again:

Alright, time for me to get back to HOTS before this American Health Care Act beats a path through the senate floor.  My go-to character, Chogall, has a bit of a limp and I’m worried about playing him with his preexisting condition.

Risk: The Game Of Global Domination / Song of the Day (5/4/2017)

According to Wikipedia, Risk is a strategy board game of diplomacy, conflict, and conquest for 2 to 6 players.  The standard version is played on a board depicting a political map of the Earth, divided into 42 territories (let’s call these “American Territories To-be”), which are grouped into 6 continents.  Turn rotates among players who control armies of playing pieces with which (EXCELLENT grammar, Wikipedia) they attempt to capture territories from other players, with results determined by dice rolls (concept originated in North America following African expansion into U.S. territories).  Players may (and do) form and dissolve alliances during the course of the game.  The goal of the game is to occupy (and Americanize/Reaganize) every territory on the board and in doing so, eliminate the other players.

Let me hit you with the Song of the Day so you can follow along as I walk you through the game of Risk and how to bring democracy and civilized culture to the far corners of the world.  Today’s song of the day is Primo Victoria by Sabaton.  I recommend you watch at least parts of the music video once prior to continuing on.  So sit down, buckle up, and prepare to deliver liberty and justice on the back of Hellfire missiles to all.

Let me begin with the admission that I’ve never been a huge fan of Risk – as my reader(s yet?) knows, my attention span is microscopically short.  It’s what makes me such a pain in the ass to sit next to in quarterly board meetings.  If you ever get the chance, don’t sit next to me.  I’ve played the game maybe twice in my life, 12-14 years ago.  However, when a friend (and often thinly-veiled Risk ally) mentioned that Risk was available on Xbox back in January, I jumped on it like Trump on a ham wallet.  So, I gave the game another shot.  And HOLY FUCK was it fun.  Since then, I’ve played about 10 games of Risk and as I sit hunched over my computer before you today, I’ve CONQUERED 8 of those games.  How do I do it?  This may be a long post, so without giving you a Bush-style timeline, let’s find out:

  1. The game begins with the daft people of Microsoft (see: Windows 8, Halo MCC roll-out, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Edge, Bill Gates’ haircut) auto-selecting territories.  Also, set the game so you can move your armies across all contiguous territories, not just one territory at a time.  Germany conquered Poland in 3 days; that was 70 years ago.  We’re America in 2017, Mexico could be New-New Mexico by the end of Cinco De Mayo, tomorrow.  Your forces will be scattered throughout the map.  That’s fine.  Within the first few roles, the computer (or online competitor) will inevitably go for Australia.  Let them have it, they can sit there sucking on their two points all day long.  We don’t care.
  2. Upon your first role and turn, IMMEDIATELY START MOVING TROOPS TO NORTH AMERICA.  North America has INCREDIBLE natural boundaries – only 3 points of contact and it’s worth 5 points.  It’ll take you many, many turns to take North America so form an alliance with someone in Europe and South America and let it be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR that North America is yours and you’re not afraid to use the nuclear option on anyone who gets in your way.  Let one, or preferably two individuals take South America so they can fight among each other and deplete their resources.  South America is good at that.  If you can covertly plant the seeds of hyperinflation in South America, that’s good too.  Continue taking one territory on each turn to build up cards.  Obviously, focus on territories where you have a 3 vs. 1 option.  Look at that, math is relevant again.
  3. Take North America.  By all means necessary, for the love of Reagan, take North America.  You’re now getting 5 points each turn.  Europe is worth 5, but it’s borders are impossible to defend.  Asia is worth 7 points but you wun into the same issue, it’s too difficult to defend and the guy sitting in Australia will constantly be in your ass taking a territory with each turn.
  4. Congratulations!  You’ve taken North America and are now the most powerful force on the map.  But there’s no time for dilly dally.  IMMEDIATELY institute the Monroe Doctrine.  According to Wikipedia, “The Monroe Doctrine was a U.S. policy of opposing European colonialism in the Americas beginning in 1823.  It stated that further efforts by European (or global, in our case) nations to take control of any independent state in North or South America would be viewed as ‘the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition toward the United States.'”  That’s fair, but COMPLETELY disregard the second part of the doctrine: “At the same time, the doctrine noted that the U.S. would recognize and not interfere with existing European colonies nor meddle in the internal concerns of European countries.”  This part does not apply to you because A) you’re North America and B) you said this does not apply to you.
  5. You’ve got North America tied down.  Wait a couple of turns (consider throwing down your cards) and communicate to your ally in South America (or to the two duking it out down there) that South America is now formally annexed property and it’s time for them to flee to Africa.  Then?  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR.  Within the cozy of confines of your previously announced (read: implemented) Monroe Doctrine, send every infantryman, cavalry, tank, drone, blackhawk, F-22, X-35, destroyer, nuclear sub, aircraft carrier, and B-2 bomber into South America.  Straight through the belly of the beast.  While maintaining units in Eastern Russia (not Alaska, but blocking Alaska) and Iceland, park your forces in Brazil along the border with Africa.  You’re now earning 7 points a turn with only 3 touch points, and access to multiple territories such that you can now take a single territory with each turn, earning another card.
  6. Tell everyone on the map that you’re pragmatic and happy to make deals.  Make a deal with Africa.  Then after a few turns, decide that you don’t make deals, throw down your cards, and enter Africa with the force of a 1,000 hydrogen bombs.  You’re now heavily exposed to Europe and Asia but by this time, other players will have been weakened from within morally, spiritually, and economically.  The timing of this final push is extremely important.  Hopefully you’ve killed off ~2 players through these campaigns and have taken their cards prior to them throwing down.  Throw down your cards again, and take Europe.  Marching to Australia spreads you too thin unless you’re closing in from both Eastern Russia and Africa.  From there, to paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, this table is yours.

And that’s it!  There’s 2-3 hours definitely not wasted.  You’ve conquered the world and brought American values/food to the far reaches.  Bring with you this image so people understand what we’re all about:

Speaking of wasted time, I’ve been sitting in a restaurant eating Freedom Fries while the mechanics are working on my car next door.  Needed a new Control Arm and Ball Joint on my ride.  Expensive fix, but I go home with a new appreciation for arm jobs and BJs.  Currently sitting across from a cute couple and their larger friend.  Always frustrating when you see a couple out having fun but stuck hanging out with a third tire.

Finally, came across the following water towers which reminded me of Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) in Naked Gun.

One final thought: rather than the electoral process in the U.S., why don’t we simply let our politicians play Risk to determine the most eligible candidate to run our country?  Reagan be with you.