Song of the Day (10/12/2017)

AAAAAYYYYYYY-OOOH!!!  This morning, someone brought the following article to my attention:

He mentioned that the fire chief and his men were pulling straws to see who could go fight the fire.  I can imagine the firefighters now.

No, in all fairness, these pot wildfires are no laughing matter and the men and women going in there are right to be hesitant to rush in.  Like Bonnie Tyler, we need a hero.  We need a fire chief who’s not afraid to brave the carbon monoxide and THC fumes.  We need

Today’s song of the day is I Don’t Like by Chief Keef.

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Song of the Day (10/10/2017) x Los Dos

Ah, October 10th.  Happy ten, ten, ten, twenty on yo titties, bitch.  Today’s song of the day is Rack City by Tyga.  Shout out to Mr. Rose.

However, after two hours of slamming my clam hammer balls deep into an industry overview, I realized that today’s song of the day has to be Back Dat Azz Up by Juvenile.  Brought to you by the definitely Americans and certainly not Indians good people at IBISWorld:

Where they missed a real opportunity to show rather than tell:

I came across this photo of a sandwich while doing market research at work.  Who else can lift a wet towel right now?

D-Trump Dropping it Like it’s Haute (and Song of the Day)

If you haven’t seen it, Donald Trump took precious moments away from his 2020 campaign to shower Puerto Ricans with American generosity.  Nothing says “White America is here to help you” like mushroom tipping a bunch of Puerto Rican Oompa Loompas in the face with the Brawny Man.  Who cares about delivering internet and power, I won’t sleep until we’ve cut down the entire Amazon Rainforest to get these mother fuckin’ Puerto Ricans, on these mother fuckin’ paper towels.  Those are going to be some chaffed assholes down there and they haven’t even digested their pension obligations yet.  Oh it’s going to be a surprise, A RUDE, PAINFUL SURPRISE.

Now time for some self awareness:

Are you fucking kidding me?  These guys couldn’t land a touchdown with their wives.  Or side pieces.  Speaking of having a main bitch, and a mistress, and a couple of girl friends, being so hood rich, today’s song of the day is Head of the State by Baracka Flacka Flames.

An image for my girls still at the office tonight:

And finally, the McLaren P1, because a girl can dream, right?

Roping off a $1.2 million car with a plastic barrier chain?  Nice, McLaren.  Maybe it’s time you Brexit from the auto industry and focus on pushing cheap hats and questionably sourced keychains like Ferrari.  AHHH SKEET SKEET SKEET!

And finally, Chick-fil-A has been rubbing off on Jimmy Johns (assuming the Bible says that’s okay):

Nothing bespeaks “thank god we live in America” like a black guy desperately trying to strip himself of ownership-administered shackles.  I don’t know, that meat and bread on the right looks a little gay, over under Chick-fil-A walks from the deal?

Most Ballin Uber Driver Ever and Other Potty Jokes

A) Sorry to block out the location info.  It is Uber, so she’s not in London.  It is not an UberBoat, so she’s not in Puerto Rico.  There is a functioning street lamp, so she’s not in North Korea.  She does speak English, so she’s not in Miami or SoCal.  She is driving, so she’s not in Saudi Arabia (for now).  She does like restaurants, so she’s not in the Upper East Side.

B):

Eh, fuck it.  Today’s song of the day is Movin’ Like Bernie by ISA.  Watch the video.

And finally:

This might be too gay even for the Hot Cops:

Oh and this:

And this complete sack of shit:

And finally, finally, they finally made a shirt for I-banking’s Technology, Media, and Telecom group:

About damn time.  These TMT guys labor harder than anyone else, had to fight to get to the top against all odds, and pull themselves up by their bootstraps.  About damn time the world finally recognizes the TMT industry group for all the blood, sweat, and tears it took to make it on top.

Oh, and apparently I live in the same building as America’s next top starving actress:

…METAPHORICALLY, of course.  What are we if not self aware and intellectually honest?  Anyone hear of any casting calls for SuperSize Me 2.0?  Perhaps we can star her in a movie as a confused Helios, chasing a cheese curd across the sky.

Song of the Day (10/2/2017)

Salutations!  It’s my fancy way of saying…hello!  Today’s song of the day is a new one: it’s What Lovers Do by Maroon 5 and SZA.

So we all know of Martin Shkreli (aka Pharma Bro) and how much of an anus he is, but did you know that he has two unexpected doppelgängers?  The first being American conservative commentator Ben Shapiro:

And the second being Steve Burns’ replacement on Nick Jr’s Blue’s Clues, Donovan Patton:

Eerie, isn’t it?  Moving right along to this:

Are you a self-proclaimed coffee aficionado?  Lover of chocolate chip cookies?  Well!  Then you’ll detest this shit.  Admittedly, I’m one for the flavored creamers – some of them are too good not to enjoy.  But this chocolate chip cookie shit is disgusting.  Don’t buy, don’t try.  Speaking of not trying, make sure you don’t try to go to key west in the next two weeks.

Unless you’re looking to go south, see some sparks fly, and get wet.  Am I right, girls?  And finally, some car stuffs for my autophiles.  The first is a Ferrari with some epic decals (remember, racing stripes make a car go faster):

And a final thought for my AD thrill seakers:

Happy Ides of the Ides of March!  And Happy Ides of September, brah!

Yo, home girl!  What’s good?  Happy Friday!  Random thought a good hombre shared with me this week: you can’t spell “advertisements” without “semen” between the “tits.”  Now you know!

Like that joke?  Well, Reagan be with you.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been taking creatine or because I’ve been pounding my clamhammer more than usual, but I’ve been having some serious issues with drippage while peeing over the last year.  I can’t stop pissing on the bathroom floor when I stand to pee and it’s really upsetting my cohabitants.  Well I came across the below last weekend and it added insult to injury.

This is no joke.  I keep pissing on the floor, whether it be a result of a spray action or multiple stream action dynamic.  Who wants to take a “piss funnel” to shark tank?

Before I forget, the quality of reporting at the Wall Street Journal is really falling apart:

They screwed up the article title with that extraneous “to” in there.  If he sees it, I doubt Woo Beijing is going to be very happy about this.

And finally, the topic about which I know both of you care profoundly: poop.  Yesterday, I dropped off the Cosby kids at the pool (I know they’re Cosby kids but they were lucid and conscious when I dropped them off) and wow, we’re talking MJ, funk of forty thousand years musk.  Much like the Iraqi invasion of Kuwait in 1990, I stormed in, tore shit up, dropped mortar rounds, decimated the local flora and fauna, and GTFO.  Unfortunately for those in the stalls next to me, I didn’t set my deed on fire during my hasty retreat.  The experience reminded me of a shit I found in a gas station bathroom this summer:

Spend some time on that photo.  Notice anything?  AS IN, HOW THE FUCK DID THE GUY PINCH ONE OFF THAT HIGH UP ON THE BOWL?!?  Seriously, how did he do it?  1)  Does he have a second anus at the top of his crack with a strong horizontal trajectory?  2)  Did he thrust it out with such great force that it literally bounced off the water, breaking all known laws of molecular cohesion?  3)  Did he angle his buttcheeks as to bank it off the side and rim it around the bowl only to land on the top of the back?

He needs this (I took this photo back in May – finally using it):

Overheard a line this morning by David Feherty that “the ball went into the cabbage and is now swallowed up.”  Hopefully that’ll be a good omen for my Friday night.  David also said that the golfer was really working hard on the slope…that’s how my friend lost his virginity!

And finally, because I can’t leave both of you with a thinly veiled racist comment, I ordered a pizza a few weeks ago that sounded a lot like I was filling out a dating preferences profile:

“Half baked” and “cut” are spot on but I’m missing the fromunda cheese option.

And because Arch Stanton likes redheads, this one is for him/her:

Today’s song of the day, for those of you who have the patience for my cow dung, is 679 by Fetty Wap.  Happy Friday and have an absolutely, positively terrific weekend!!!  Remember, it’s Labor Day only one day of the year but it’s Capital Day 364 days a year!