Arch Stanton Guest Post: Swords, Ranked

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Straightforward – which swords should you purchase at the mall for you collection when you aren’t boycotting Star Wars or investigating journalistic ethics in video games? I know, I know – you know all about swords, you have an awesome collection already, and the girl looking at the manga section of the comic store you go to said she was totally impressed already. But if you’re trying to add to that collection before she visits – she’s totally going to come over to check it out, even though she didn’t give you a time… or a date… or her number when you asked for it. But hey, lots of people don’t use phones in 2018. Anyway, starting with the worst:
22. Epee/Foil: That shit those pussies use in the Olympics, where they just stick each other without gashing each other open. If we’re collecting swords, they are to be used for slaughtering those who dare defy you, and spilling their blood on the floor so their comrades know what is destined to befall. No fucking way.
21. Halberd: That shit those dorks in the Swiss Guard use. Long with some little pointy bullshit on the end held by guys who protect the Pope while looking like they dressed themselves with an old circus tent they found in the woods. They’re basically fancy pikemen, and you, sir, are a brilliant leader and not some peasant holding the line for the knights to swoop in and gather all the glory. Nope.
20. Short sword/Gladius: What, do you want everyone to think you have a small dick? You definitely don’t, you have a huge hog, and chicks love it. Big swords only.
19. Battle Axe: Battle axes are for the UNCULTURED who lack discipline and agility. You are serious about your swordwork, and not some boorish savage. Even if battle axes are sometimes cool, they are not suitable for a collection.
18. Switchblade: Is this the fucking “West Side Story”? No.
17. Mace: A short handle with a spiked-ball or similarly violent end. Again – used by brutes who lack your technical flair and rely on strength alone. You prefer a healthy blend of finesse coupled with your raw power. Scores points for its visual panache, but isn’t **technically** a sword.
16. Butcher knife: Are you a plebeian who’s trying to become a Victorian serial killer? No butcher knife, despite it’s pragmatic uses for cutting up your Red Barron frozen pizzas.
15. Machete: A most practical blade, but not an effective weapon to flaunt. Unless you plan on trailblazing a path for the Panama Canal, it shouldn’t be included in your set.
14. Rapier/Jian/Estoc: Long and thin with an ornate handle. A bit delicate and lacking the flare or extravagance necessary to really draw an eye during a full collection, but a fellow sophisticate will appreciate the intricacy. Sigh, no one shares your eye for detail.
13. Scimitar: A mid-length curved blade; bears a striking resemblance to your penis. Arabic in origin, so a bit… ethnic… for a truly refined gentleman’s collection.
Okay they’re pretty cool. You should consider one.
12. Dagger: Utilized by bandits, thieves and the uncultivated lacking in the refined class you and your fellow swordsmen’s possess. That said, they are an effective weapon in close quarters, and can be ornately decorated and used as a type of family heirloom. Your future children will appreciate your sentimentality and investment.
11. Arakh: What the Dothraki arm themselves with in the “Game of Thrones”‘ universe. Excuse me – what the Dorthraki use as they control the Dothraki Sea across the central region of Essos in the “A Song of Ice and Fire” universe. A topical piece, but a good conversation starter for the novice attempting to foray into blade collections. Maybe not the center piece, but since HBO and all these RECREATIONAL nerds ruined “A Song of Fire and Ice”, you should consider one despite being extremely blase and mainstream now.
10. Swordstaff: A long handle with a short blade – basically a staff with a short sword on the end. Allows for more intricacy or more personalization, so it depends on what you get on your swordstaff. I will rank this somewhere in the middle without a specific design placed before me.
9. Broadsword: In the same vein as the arakh, a broadsword is just so… common. Yes, it’s is what the non-bladed community think of when they think of “swords”, but as far as swords go, its pretty straightforward – big handle, big blade, big guard. You can spice it up any number of ways, but the premise remains the same. A word to the uninitiated – a broadsword may be cumbersome to the novice, so think twice before demanding satisfaction by way of a duel. Many have been defeated in their trials by combat not due to the cunning of an enemy, but due to the heft of their own weapon of choice. You have learned your lesson the hard way after demanding a duel after that guy at the gas station said the Marvel universe was inferior to the DC universe, and you were too slow to unsheathe your broadsword before he punched you in the face. The bruise has faded, but the shame of your defeat lingers still.
8. Bat’leth: A blade held by noble Klingon warriors. Looks like of like a new-age boomerang, sent from the future to murder you. Obviously a practical weapon for only the most refined swordsmen who also is well-versed in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 or Voyager, and not the TRIPE dumped out by Paramount recently. Everyone knows all about the honorable boycott of the Disney Star Wars movies, but where is the outrage for the despicable treatment of Captain Kirk and the USS Enterprise?!? I know Paramount has seen my vlogs listing my complaints and requirements for going forward, as I have sent it to every publicly available email address affiliated with the company. THEY SHALL KNOW OUR WRAITH!
7. Cutlass: Normally wielded by pirates, so it conveys a bit of roguish swagger. You are, after all, quite a swashbuckler as demonstrated by that incredible gambit you pulled at the Magic: The Gathering tournament the other week. You lured the enemy into playing his Loaming Shaman to counter your Grave Titan, knowing you had your Cryptbreaker in the wings to clinch the match. What an ignoramus! Yes, you are quite the rogue, but an honorable one, like Han Solo and not some low-class bandit.
6. Narsil/Anduril: From “Lord of the Rings”, so by default awesome. Whereas “A Song of Fire and Ice” tries to dignify the lower classes by bestowing them honor despite a lack of nobility or formal training, “Lord of the Rings” operates in a more mature and cosmopolitan universe, with better swords to boot. ‘Valyrian steel’ – pssh, how banal, how trite! Now a sword forged by Dwarvish masters and passed through generations of kings-warriors? Much more dignified. Picking up your Cookie Crisp and Hot Pockets at the grocery store with one of these across your shoulders, and a tip of your trillby, why, you could win any lass!
5. Warhammer: Remember all that shit about battle axes or maces being for the unrefined oafs of the battlefield? That does not apply to warhammers. It’s a hammer, but bigger, and used for WAR. I’m sorry, it’s fucking cool as shit, and anyone who disagrees is being deliberately obtuse. I may be a dagger devotee, but I know magnificence when I see it. Get yourself a warhammer.
4. Sabre: Maintained by military commanders, either leading cavalry by horseback or directing a battalion of tanks from the rear, gesturing grandly with your sabre. A sword befitting of your status. With one of these, you are suddenly a contender for any promotion and propelled into the aristocratic class. Yes, manga girl will be fawning over you once she sees your sabre in its scabbard, and once you unsheathe it, well. she shall be a fair maiden no longer, if you catch my drift.
3. Lightsaber: Duh. Only if it’s a red or blue one from the originals, and none of this bullshit double-ended or purple ones from the prequels, but you knew that. My mother even knows this, and she doesn’t even know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars despite my insistence on making her watching them multiple times. Essential to a complete collection.
2. Falchion: Like the one Cloud Strife has in Final Fantasy. Some would say “comically oversized” or “physically impossible to use in an actual fight”, but these imbeciles wouldn’t know splendor if it rained maximum damage plus bleed damage upon their under-formed craniums. The most dazzling of swords, and only for use by a true master capable of combining its heft with speed and strength.
1. Katana: You knew this was where we were heading. The finest swords available. Designed to augment your already supreme dexterity, and so sharp you use it trim your goatee, like a true gentleman. When first beginning your training with a high-end katana, be careful to not slice open your cargo pockets – I lost a load of Pizza Rolls this way. A katana is an efficient way to enlarge your vigor and masculine magnetism. Yes, manga girl will not be able to resist your awe-inspiring training maneuvers, and you shall soon enjoin your Tumblrs to make the finest fanpages known to the internet, all because of your finely-tuned katana.
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The Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon and Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari

Catching yourself ogling other mens’ larger-than-life pieces?  Wishing you were holding their faces in your loving embrace?  Then you’ll appreciate these two gorgeous watches from our Swiss friends in…Switzerland!  But first, what do you call a grandfather clock?  An old timer.  Why did the scientist drop the watch into his flask?  He was looking for a timely solution.  What do you call a story that one clock tells the other?  Second hand information.  BONUS:  Did you hear the one about the guy who founded Lifesavers?  He made a mint!

You all seemed to like the Arch Stanton posting about controversial opinions.  MANY positive responses to that post – let me bring you all back down to Earth with some boring caboose poop:

The Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon is EPIC and goes for ~$1.2 – $1.4 million.  No doubt on the higher end, but likely to appreciate in value.  Not much additional value to add here beyond the beauty of the thing.  The Sky Moon Tourbillon photos:

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The next beauty is the Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari.  This thing was designed in partnership with Ferrari as the Italian car company designed and released its LaFerrari model in 2013.  The watch was designed to look and feel like the car and does look pretty stellar.  Side note, the car sorta sucks compared to the Ferrari 458 but they can’t all be winners (Ferrari: please don’t send your corporate myrmidons after me!).  The watch can be yours for roughly $300,000…or 50,000 acres in deeply indebted, socialist Italy.  Keep up the good economic work!  Photos for your perusal:

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What dog always knows the time?  A watch dog.

Random Bidtits (6/6/2018)

HEY-OOOOOOO!!!! So who among you is into Christianity and religion? Great, watch this wonderful video on YouTube titled George Carlin on Christianity. He nails it. Next, read Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion because it’s well worth your time if you’re considering pissing away your life on the invisible man in the sky.

Next, who among you are video gamers? Great, you’re not pissing away your life in the slightest. Righteous, broheim. Here’s a YouTube video on how Halo Changed Everything. The guy brings up some solid points that made my neckbeard wither with delight. I’d also suggest that the GTA series changed everything as well. Halo 1 and 2, as well as GTA Vice City and V, are the greatest games ever made. Tangentially, here’s a photo you guys/gals will find interesting:

And another photo that will strike a little too close to home for the bad hombres out there:

And finally, which one of these six stores isn’t like the others?

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And finally finally, I was home visiting my family last month when a family member entered the room with the following watch. Made. My. Day.

“If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow” – Theodore Roosevelt

A StarCraft II Battle Gets Epic

Begin fluffing your neckbeards, here’s something a friend recently sent:

I just played a game against DoubleTeaming. He opts for the roach ravager timing attack. I surrender my third base and valiantly hold back, massing up my roach defenses and waiting for my upgrades to finish. His ravagers launch corrosive bile and destroy one of my evolution chambers. Only the attack upgrade will finish, I realize. Will it be enough? At the last possible second, I form the perfect concave and push out. My upgrade advantage is too potent. As I decimate my opponent’s army, his Zerg turn and flee. The remnants of my brood give chase until they encounter my enemy’s swarming reinforcements, now equipped with the speed upgrade. A Great War of Attrition begins, with my roaches valiantly meeting his roaches and hydralisks in the center of the map. As the war rages on, his hydralisks finally begin to gain ground. DoubleTeaming starts to push closer and closer. Now, only one line of my roaches stands between him and my drones. This is it. Suddenly, the sound of a shrieking giant worm bursting forth from the ground. It is the sound of my enemy’s annihilation. Ten of my ultralisks emerge from the Nydus Worm I have placed behind his army. As their great tusks slice his army to pieces, my opponent types “g,” and leaves the game. So hasty was he to abandon the sight of his utter destruction that he could not even manage “gg.”

Ricky Bobby Meets Bobby Mugabe / Song of the Day (11/20/2017)

Today’s song of the day is a shout-out to the nineties, a time when, confusingly enough, presidential rape culture was out and Bill “Slick Willy” Clinton was in (source: 105th United States Congress). It’s Ghetto Supastar by Pras.

Many of you are familiar with the character of Ricky Bobby in Will Ferrell’s Talladega Nights:

Now what you may not know, may surprise you. In yesteryear, Ricky Bobby would ride with his homeboy, Bobby Mugabe. Today, it may all seem like ancient lore, but Bobby Mugabe still carries the remnants of his…checkered past:

You can’t escape your heritage, Bobby Mugabe:

It’s in your blood! Speaking of tradition, who’s excited for some turkey and stuffing this holiday? Nahhh. Fuck it. Turkey is consistently dry and tastes like dog shit, but, it’s the holidays, so

Well, I’m off to look at vacation packages. Oh shit! Half off on cruises from New Orleans to Puerto Rico…and following hurricanes Nate and Maria, I’m guessing you can find a cruise offering door-to-door service… or is that not funny yet?

And finally, I found the following license plate which reminded me of the FPS Doug video from back in the day:

Congratulations! You’ve put up with my locker room talk for an entire posting! A second song of the day is Moving Mountains by The Brevet.

May The Reagan be with you.

Isaac Newton was a DICK

But before I dive in head first (like Pete Rose), if you received the “Random Bidtits (10/4/2017)” email but didn’t read the post online, you’re missing out on a final paragraph following the photo of the porn stars (how many blogs can begin with this).  Posted that mofo before it was finished.

As for the topic of this post, we’ve again been graced with the boundless insights of the Meditative Mandarin.  He shared a story about Isaac Newton:

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”

The enterprise of mankind as embodied in our advance of knowledge is built on the pattern of Shoulders of Giants.  Human knowledge and understanding is a very cumulative affair.

The quotation above was written by Isaac Newton as a backhanded insult directed squarely at Robert Hooke (1635-1702), with whom Newton carried on a life long, bitter rivalry.  Newton used this quote in a letter responding to Hooke’s claim that Newton stole the hypothesis on light from Hooke’s “Micrographia.”  Newton was familiar with Micrographia and claimed that Hooke took much of the work from Descartes who – claimed Newton – took his work from Marcantonia de Dominis and Ariotto.  The comment was very likely intended to be sarcastic as Hooke was a very short man, practically a midget.

Enough on Newton.  Now let’s talk about achieving his level of brilliance.  Start fluffing your neckbeards.  Study: Playing Starcraft can Increase your Cognitive Abilities

GTA Real Life: The Faggio Chronicles

Who here remembers the GTA series from our youth?  If so, you will remember the Faggio: a parody of both Vespa and Piaggio.  Here’s a photo from the game:

Cool, right?  Well I came across the ULTIMATE Faggio last weekend.  Huge faggio move.  Big league faggio.  Thanks, guy.

Dick move when I’m desperately searching for parking.  The guy is probably in the bar, sipping on a tall cool one:

Book plug time.  I read/listen to a book every two weeks and have been experimenting lately.  One that HAS to be on your list, even if you have but only the faintest interest in this stuff, is Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Astrophysics for People in a Hurry.  Run to your library (or use the free Hoopla app for your phone) and get this book.  When Amazon recommends “Origins” by NDT, don’t worry, you basically already read it if you got through Astrophysics for Hombres in a Hurry.

Oh!  Is anyone up for a game?  Back, wayyyy back, before The Cookie Monster gave up carbs (cookies) for…well for other carbs (fruits and veggies), and before Mitt Romney threatened to put a bullet in Big Bird and cut funding, there was a game Big Bird played that he/she/it called One of These Things (although not every episode centered around him playing with his “yummy yummy bird seed,” even going as far as burying his/her/confused/undecided/but likely his nose in it).  Now I leave it to you: which one of these things is not like the others:

It’s hard to find so I’ll give you a hint: it’s in the middle up near the top, it’s small and undistinguished, it’s pink, and sometimes it can be hard to find in the broader sea of undulating movements.

And finally, food porn time!!!