Song of the Day (10/29/2018)

Today’s song of the day is Live to Win by Paul Stanley. Now for you car guys, here’s what’s called the “arcade dashboard” on the C4 Corvette:

And an amazing costume, calendar and all:

Well, I have to get back to work. My third-party data provider in India must have eyes like a hawk: every time they send me an excel file, they’re always zoomed out at 10% magnification – the guy has got to be the best Halo MCC sniper of all time.

Speaking of which, I found the asshole teammate in Halo who’s always running around Rat Race and other dark maps with his pistol light on, alerting the other team to our exact location:

This guy was walking around the restaurant with his cell light on for at least five minutes.

At least the guy was in the right area, it was at the following event:


Random Bidtits (10/22/2018)

Arianna Huffington, ever at the forefront of business stagnation and frivolous personal pursuits, has some really valuable insights for you on her LinkedIn account:

I imagine Elizabeth’s theories on dressing for success are somewhat one dimensional: does she wear the orange jumper or does she wear the black and white pinstripes jumper today? Arianna is such a vagina. Speaking of vaginas, check out the sex toy for your grandparents:

Okay, let’s leave Arianna Huffington and step back into the realm of reality. Here are two very neat technologies that you may enjoy: a jet suit that legitimately works (3 minute YouTube video here) and a remote control jet airplane that goes over 450 MPH (6 minute YouTube video here).

Alright, I’ll get back to pinching off this python.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: A Ranking of Global Titles and Honorifics

An ordered ranking of titles or honorifics I would liked preceding my name. To be clear, I will accept any of them, and the ranking is more or less arbitrary. Some warrant long discussion or clarification, some don’t. Don’t bitch about how I only included the masculine derivations – it’s not my fault history features almost entirely male rulers. I’ll do my best to summarize some of the more abstract ones. Starting from the bottom:

  1. Sir: The lamest of titles – seriously, they gave one to fucking Bono. I would almost be insulted if offered it. This is what the drive-thru attendant at McDonalds call you after he dipped his balls in your drink. This is what you say to the cop that just wrote you a ticket before you call him a fuckface under your breath. This is what your overweight gym teacher demanded you call him. I get its granted by the Queen, but c’mon, it’s shit. I bet the Queen is hoping she dies before she needs to knight a DJ. (Related – Clint Eastwood is knighted! Clint: 1. John: 0.) (Brief DD Interjection: FUCK YOU, ARCH! “I won’t be wronged. I won’t be insulted. I won’t be laid a-hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them.” – John Wayne)
  1. Elder: This is the guy who passes around the collection plate at church on Sunday mornings, basically to get out of wrangling his kids during the boring services. Hard pass.
  1. Laird: As a concept (the owner of a large and long-established Scottish estate) – awesome. As a title – unimpressive. Too similar to lard, and I don’t need to draw the comparisons.
  1. Boyar: An aristocratic member of Russia, next in rank to a prince. I knew a guy with the last name Boyar in undergrad, and he was a weirdo. He got married and had a kid within a year of graduating. No thanks. (DD Interjection: Boyar was far beyond “socially uncomfortable” – what a weird guy)
  1. Honorable: I hear it and think local or small-court judge, but televised!
  1. Earl: Has been repossessed in the name of American culture as the name of schlubby guys with far more attractive wives on sitcoms.
  1. Nawab: A Muslim ruler in South Asia. Doesn’t roll off the tongue.
  1. Prime Minister: It just seems so… petty. So European. Ugh.
  1. Pasha: A high-ranking Turkish officer.
  1. Lord: Not bad, but kind of played out with the rise of “Game of Thrones”. Lacks imagination.
  1. Imtiaz: Kind of a vague title for someone distinct or unique from Arabia.
  1. Szlachta: Legally privileged noble class of Poland – who wants that? And the title, it’s just so… Polish. No.
  1. Emir: A Muslim ruler or local military commander. Short, simple, kinda boring but not inoffensive.
  1. Lama: Buddhist teacher. He can really haul off and whack one – big hitters, the lamas – long into a ten thousand foot crevasse. You know what he says to me? Gunga galunga. So we finish eighteen and he’s going to stiff me, and I say, “hey lama, how about something for, ya know, the effort?” and he says, “oh there won’t be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness.” So I got that going for me, which is nice.
  1. Samraja: An Indian king or prince, above a regular raj. The ‘sam’ complicates it.
  1. Count: Middle of the road British nobility. A middle of the road name for a middle of the road title.
  1. Sayyid: A Muslim descendant from Muhammad. Seems a bit blasphemous to me, but what do I know.
  1. Datu: Senior members of Phillipino royalty. Eh.
  1. Shah: Monarch of Iran. Sure, I’ll take it I GUESS.
  1. Cardinal: Senior member of Roman Catholic Church. Ho-hum.
  1. Kazoku: Japanese title for an individual in the line of succession.
  1. Marquess: British nobility. Before we get to the rest of the titles below, the order of importance, starting with the most significant title to the least: Duke, Marquess, Earl, Viscount, Baron. It just lacks that “UMPH” you want in a title ya know?
  1. Sharif: Someone of noble or highborn Arab class.
  1. Sheik/Shayks: Another Arab leader, but not quite a hereditary or noble birth, but still — “Sheik Stanton” works for me.  (DD: I love this)
  1. Maharaja: Sanskrit for “great or high ruler”. I could work with it.
  1. Junker: A young German noble or lord. Has really been bastardized into crappy or a drug addict, but kinda bangs as a sophisticated title. The associations drag it down a notch. I feel like you would be confused for a poor person in the Star Wars universe.
  1. Brahmin: Highest Indian class of priests, teachers and educators.
  1. Dauphin: Heir apparent to the French throne. A bit feminine for my taste, but feels regal regardless.
  1. Caliph: The primary Muslim civil and religious leader acting as a successor from Muhammad. Another one that is pretty great, but seeing as how whenever anyone hears it, all they think is “ISIS claimed they were the new caliph right?”, probably not something to be associated with if you ever want to fly on a public airplane again.
  1. President: Has lost it’s luster recently. They’ll let ANYONE be a president now.
  1. Suzerain: An individual placed in charge of another autonomous state in order to exude control – think a British appointment sent to India to run the country. A pretty rad imperialist concept if I may say so myself.
  1. King/Emperor: Overdone. Not against it, but very played out in modern culture. Taking one would get you confused with a competitive Dungeon Master or adult kickball league MVP.
  1. Duke: Sure.
  1. Senator: Not like our modern, American senators, who are feckless cowards in the face of the oncoming Trump Train, but in the Roman sense. If the former, much lower, but if the latter, I would be pretty comfortable with.
  1. Bishop: Technically below Cardinals (and Archbishops but we’ll do just the one), but do cardinals have the coolest chess piece named after them? They do not. Bishop is a rad title.
  1. Raj: Indian ruler. I like it.
  1. Viscount: The ‘vis’ makes it hella cool. I feel like a virtuous dignitary on an intergalactic space station. Getting to the good stuff now.
  1. Burgrave: A German ruler or governor of a town or castle. A little under the radar as far as titles go, but even if you didn’t know what it was, you’d think, “oh shit that’s a bad ass” when someone introduces themselves as Burgrave.
  1. Margrave: A Holy Roman Empire commander sent to maintain a border province of said empire. Castles are cool, but a whole province? C’mon, that shit is cool.
  1. Shogun: Japanese commander-in-chief. The Japanese have always had emperors who were considered the rulers, but shoguns controlled all the military might at a time in history when that was basically all you had if you claimed to be in power, so shoguns were the real heads of state in feudal Japan. Projects a sense that you are not to be fucked with.
  1. Jagir: A feudal lord in South Asia. It sounds like jaguar!
  1. Baron: The lowest of British nobility, but by far the coolest. You’d be impressed if you met a Duke or a Marquess, but you’d think “aww yeah this dude fucks” if you met a baron.
  1. Sultan: Muslim sovereign ruler. It just has the right panache, ya know?
  1. Chief: Not going to lie, this might be the best title if you think about it. What is a chief? He is all forms of government for an area, as well as the military leader and cultural epoch. Chiefs are cool, and, if assigned as it was originally intended, a truly bad ass title. It loses points because it has been so diminished by dudes in pop collars at bars trying to act like they want to fight and put someone down by sarcastically calling them “chief”. Way to go dildos, you ruined the coolest title.
  1. Hidalgo: Not the horse, but nobility on the Iberian peninsula who were exempted from taxes but owned little property. I am fascinated as to how that all worked. If I introduce myself as “Hidalgo Stanton”, you’re first thought would be ‘he doesn’t look Hispanic.’
  1. Czar: Russian emperors. Exudes superiority and power, and that’s really what this all about. Loses points for being eradicated as a concept in a basement somewhere during the Russian Revolution.
  1. Governor: Not in the American state sense, but like the head of state for a foreign territory or Caribbean island. THAT is the type of persona I wish to flaunt. “Here’s Governor Stanton, and welcome to our tropical paradise, would you like a rum-based drink out of a coconut with a little umbrella in it? Hell yes you do.”
  1. Sheriff: Probably the lowest ranking title here, but definitely one of the coolest. Seeing as how this is partially a Western movies themed blog, its high rank is doubly warranted.
  1. High Priest: Not just a regular priest, but like, higher. Typically Irish or Celtic in origin, but more widely accepted as “any non-Christian religious figure”. Christianity would call it blasphemous, but I would call it awesome.
  1. Kaiser: German for “emperor”. When you hear about kaisers, you are hearing about people who are not to be trifled with. Kaisers are here to fuck shit up, and I am on board.
  1. Sovereign: A bit vague and expansive for any particular definition, but typically used by imperial explorers or autocrats in reference to the rulers of another territory, used in order to convey their high rank without knowing the specific or preferred term for a ruler. You may get confused for a sovereign citizen slash someone who is definitely on multiple government watch lists, but it definitely has that je ne sais quoi I’m looking for. Radiates power and nobility, with a hint of intrigue.
  1. Viceroy: Similar to a suzerain, a ruler placed in charge to exercise authority over a colony on behalf of another state. I’ll be damned if the West didn’t come up with a lot of interesting ways to exert imperialist control over the rest of the world, all of which use bad ass titles. Similar to viscount, calling yourself Viceroy so-and-so makes me think you are a intergalactic strongman on a remote smugglers’ planet.
  1. Pharaoh: FUCK. YES. You know EXACTLY what is in store when you hear about Pharaohs, and that is definitely the title for me. You can squabble about the rankings, but you are incorrect if you pick anything other than Pharaoh as number one.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Swords, Ranked


Straightforward – which swords should you purchase at the mall for you collection when you aren’t boycotting Star Wars or investigating journalistic ethics in video games? I know, I know – you know all about swords, you have an awesome collection already, and the girl looking at the manga section of the comic store you go to said she was totally impressed already. But if you’re trying to add to that collection before she visits – she’s totally going to come over to check it out, even though she didn’t give you a time… or a date… or her number when you asked for it. But hey, lots of people don’t use phones in 2018. Anyway, starting with the worst:
22. Epee/Foil: That shit those pussies use in the Olympics, where they just stick each other without gashing each other open. If we’re collecting swords, they are to be used for slaughtering those who dare defy you, and spilling their blood on the floor so their comrades know what is destined to befall. No fucking way.
21. Halberd: That shit those dorks in the Swiss Guard use. Long with some little pointy bullshit on the end held by guys who protect the Pope while looking like they dressed themselves with an old circus tent they found in the woods. They’re basically fancy pikemen, and you, sir, are a brilliant leader and not some peasant holding the line for the knights to swoop in and gather all the glory. Nope.
20. Short sword/Gladius: What, do you want everyone to think you have a small dick? You definitely don’t, you have a huge hog, and chicks love it. Big swords only.
19. Battle Axe: Battle axes are for the UNCULTURED who lack discipline and agility. You are serious about your swordwork, and not some boorish savage. Even if battle axes are sometimes cool, they are not suitable for a collection.
18. Switchblade: Is this the fucking “West Side Story”? No.
17. Mace: A short handle with a spiked-ball or similarly violent end. Again – used by brutes who lack your technical flair and rely on strength alone. You prefer a healthy blend of finesse coupled with your raw power. Scores points for its visual panache, but isn’t **technically** a sword.
16. Butcher knife: Are you a plebeian who’s trying to become a Victorian serial killer? No butcher knife, despite it’s pragmatic uses for cutting up your Red Barron frozen pizzas.
15. Machete: A most practical blade, but not an effective weapon to flaunt. Unless you plan on trailblazing a path for the Panama Canal, it shouldn’t be included in your set.
14. Rapier/Jian/Estoc: Long and thin with an ornate handle. A bit delicate and lacking the flare or extravagance necessary to really draw an eye during a full collection, but a fellow sophisticate will appreciate the intricacy. Sigh, no one shares your eye for detail.
13. Scimitar: A mid-length curved blade; bears a striking resemblance to your penis. Arabic in origin, so a bit… ethnic… for a truly refined gentleman’s collection.
Okay they’re pretty cool. You should consider one.
12. Dagger: Utilized by bandits, thieves and the uncultivated lacking in the refined class you and your fellow swordsmen’s possess. That said, they are an effective weapon in close quarters, and can be ornately decorated and used as a type of family heirloom. Your future children will appreciate your sentimentality and investment.
11. Arakh: What the Dothraki arm themselves with in the “Game of Thrones”‘ universe. Excuse me – what the Dorthraki use as they control the Dothraki Sea across the central region of Essos in the “A Song of Ice and Fire” universe. A topical piece, but a good conversation starter for the novice attempting to foray into blade collections. Maybe not the center piece, but since HBO and all these RECREATIONAL nerds ruined “A Song of Fire and Ice”, you should consider one despite being extremely blase and mainstream now.
10. Swordstaff: A long handle with a short blade – basically a staff with a short sword on the end. Allows for more intricacy or more personalization, so it depends on what you get on your swordstaff. I will rank this somewhere in the middle without a specific design placed before me.
9. Broadsword: In the same vein as the arakh, a broadsword is just so… common. Yes, it’s is what the non-bladed community think of when they think of “swords”, but as far as swords go, its pretty straightforward – big handle, big blade, big guard. You can spice it up any number of ways, but the premise remains the same. A word to the uninitiated – a broadsword may be cumbersome to the novice, so think twice before demanding satisfaction by way of a duel. Many have been defeated in their trials by combat not due to the cunning of an enemy, but due to the heft of their own weapon of choice. You have learned your lesson the hard way after demanding a duel after that guy at the gas station said the Marvel universe was inferior to the DC universe, and you were too slow to unsheathe your broadsword before he punched you in the face. The bruise has faded, but the shame of your defeat lingers still.
8. Bat’leth: A blade held by noble Klingon warriors. Looks like of like a new-age boomerang, sent from the future to murder you. Obviously a practical weapon for only the most refined swordsmen who also is well-versed in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 or Voyager, and not the TRIPE dumped out by Paramount recently. Everyone knows all about the honorable boycott of the Disney Star Wars movies, but where is the outrage for the despicable treatment of Captain Kirk and the USS Enterprise?!? I know Paramount has seen my vlogs listing my complaints and requirements for going forward, as I have sent it to every publicly available email address affiliated with the company. THEY SHALL KNOW OUR WRAITH!
7. Cutlass: Normally wielded by pirates, so it conveys a bit of roguish swagger. You are, after all, quite a swashbuckler as demonstrated by that incredible gambit you pulled at the Magic: The Gathering tournament the other week. You lured the enemy into playing his Loaming Shaman to counter your Grave Titan, knowing you had your Cryptbreaker in the wings to clinch the match. What an ignoramus! Yes, you are quite the rogue, but an honorable one, like Han Solo and not some low-class bandit.
6. Narsil/Anduril: From “Lord of the Rings”, so by default awesome. Whereas “A Song of Fire and Ice” tries to dignify the lower classes by bestowing them honor despite a lack of nobility or formal training, “Lord of the Rings” operates in a more mature and cosmopolitan universe, with better swords to boot. ‘Valyrian steel’ – pssh, how banal, how trite! Now a sword forged by Dwarvish masters and passed through generations of kings-warriors? Much more dignified. Picking up your Cookie Crisp and Hot Pockets at the grocery store with one of these across your shoulders, and a tip of your trillby, why, you could win any lass!
5. Warhammer: Remember all that shit about battle axes or maces being for the unrefined oafs of the battlefield? That does not apply to warhammers. It’s a hammer, but bigger, and used for WAR. I’m sorry, it’s fucking cool as shit, and anyone who disagrees is being deliberately obtuse. I may be a dagger devotee, but I know magnificence when I see it. Get yourself a warhammer.
4. Sabre: Maintained by military commanders, either leading cavalry by horseback or directing a battalion of tanks from the rear, gesturing grandly with your sabre. A sword befitting of your status. With one of these, you are suddenly a contender for any promotion and propelled into the aristocratic class. Yes, manga girl will be fawning over you once she sees your sabre in its scabbard, and once you unsheathe it, well. she shall be a fair maiden no longer, if you catch my drift.
3. Lightsaber: Duh. Only if it’s a red or blue one from the originals, and none of this bullshit double-ended or purple ones from the prequels, but you knew that. My mother even knows this, and she doesn’t even know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars despite my insistence on making her watching them multiple times. Essential to a complete collection.
2. Falchion: Like the one Cloud Strife has in Final Fantasy. Some would say “comically oversized” or “physically impossible to use in an actual fight”, but these imbeciles wouldn’t know splendor if it rained maximum damage plus bleed damage upon their under-formed craniums. The most dazzling of swords, and only for use by a true master capable of combining its heft with speed and strength.
1. Katana: You knew this was where we were heading. The finest swords available. Designed to augment your already supreme dexterity, and so sharp you use it trim your goatee, like a true gentleman. When first beginning your training with a high-end katana, be careful to not slice open your cargo pockets – I lost a load of Pizza Rolls this way. A katana is an efficient way to enlarge your vigor and masculine magnetism. Yes, manga girl will not be able to resist your awe-inspiring training maneuvers, and you shall soon enjoin your Tumblrs to make the finest fanpages known to the internet, all because of your finely-tuned katana.

The Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon and Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari

Catching yourself ogling other mens’ larger-than-life pieces?  Wishing you were holding their faces in your loving embrace?  Then you’ll appreciate these two gorgeous watches from our Swiss friends in…Switzerland!  But first, what do you call a grandfather clock?  An old timer.  Why did the scientist drop the watch into his flask?  He was looking for a timely solution.  What do you call a story that one clock tells the other?  Second hand information.  BONUS:  Did you hear the one about the guy who founded Lifesavers?  He made a mint!

You all seemed to like the Arch Stanton posting about controversial opinions.  MANY positive responses to that post – let me bring you all back down to Earth with some boring caboose poop:

The Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon is EPIC and goes for ~$1.2 – $1.4 million.  No doubt on the higher end, but likely to appreciate in value.  Not much additional value to add here beyond the beauty of the thing.  The Sky Moon Tourbillon photos:







The next beauty is the Hublot MP-05 LaFerrari.  This thing was designed in partnership with Ferrari as the Italian car company designed and released its LaFerrari model in 2013.  The watch was designed to look and feel like the car and does look pretty stellar.  Side note, the car sorta sucks compared to the Ferrari 458 but they can’t all be winners (Ferrari: please don’t send your corporate myrmidons after me!).  The watch can be yours for roughly $300,000…or 50,000 acres in deeply indebted, socialist Italy.  Keep up the good economic work!  Photos for your perusal:


Hublot La Ferrari front car 3 watch images IIHIH









What dog always knows the time?  A watch dog.

Random Bidtits (6/6/2018)

HEY-OOOOOOO!!!! So who among you is into Christianity and religion? Great, watch this wonderful video on YouTube titled George Carlin on Christianity. He nails it. Next, read Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion because it’s well worth your time if you’re considering pissing away your life on the invisible man in the sky.

Next, who among you are video gamers? Great, you’re not pissing away your life in the slightest. Righteous, broheim. Here’s a YouTube video on how Halo Changed Everything. The guy brings up some solid points that made my neckbeard wither with delight. I’d also suggest that the GTA series changed everything as well. Halo 1 and 2, as well as GTA Vice City and V, are the greatest games ever made. Tangentially, here’s a photo you guys/gals will find interesting:

And another photo that will strike a little too close to home for the bad hombres out there:

And finally, which one of these six stores isn’t like the others?


And finally finally, I was home visiting my family last month when a family member entered the room with the following watch. Made. My. Day.

“If you’ve got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow” – Theodore Roosevelt

A StarCraft II Battle Gets Epic

Begin fluffing your neckbeards, here’s something a friend recently sent:

I just played a game against DoubleTeaming. He opts for the roach ravager timing attack. I surrender my third base and valiantly hold back, massing up my roach defenses and waiting for my upgrades to finish. His ravagers launch corrosive bile and destroy one of my evolution chambers. Only the attack upgrade will finish, I realize. Will it be enough? At the last possible second, I form the perfect concave and push out. My upgrade advantage is too potent. As I decimate my opponent’s army, his Zerg turn and flee. The remnants of my brood give chase until they encounter my enemy’s swarming reinforcements, now equipped with the speed upgrade. A Great War of Attrition begins, with my roaches valiantly meeting his roaches and hydralisks in the center of the map. As the war rages on, his hydralisks finally begin to gain ground. DoubleTeaming starts to push closer and closer. Now, only one line of my roaches stands between him and my drones. This is it. Suddenly, the sound of a shrieking giant worm bursting forth from the ground. It is the sound of my enemy’s annihilation. Ten of my ultralisks emerge from the Nydus Worm I have placed behind his army. As their great tusks slice his army to pieces, my opponent types “g,” and leaves the game. So hasty was he to abandon the sight of his utter destruction that he could not even manage “gg.”