Isaac Newton was a DICK

But before I dive in head first (like Pete Rose), if you received the “Random Bidtits (10/4/2017)” email but didn’t read the post online, you’re missing out on a final paragraph following the photo of the porn stars (how many blogs can begin with this).  Posted that mofo before it was finished.

As for the topic of this post, we’ve again been graced with the boundless insights of the Meditative Mandarin.  He shared a story about Isaac Newton:

“If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.”

The enterprise of mankind as embodied in our advance of knowledge is built on the pattern of Shoulders of Giants.  Human knowledge and understanding is a very cumulative affair.

The quotation above was written by Isaac Newton as a backhanded insult directed squarely at Robert Hooke (1635-1702), with whom Newton carried on a life long, bitter rivalry.  Newton used this quote in a letter responding to Hooke’s claim that Newton stole the hypothesis on light from Hooke’s “Micrographia.”  Newton was familiar with Micrographia and claimed that Hooke took much of the work from Descartes who – claimed Newton – took his work from Marcantonia de Dominis and Ariotto.  The comment was very likely intended to be sarcastic as Hooke was a very short man, practically a midget.

Enough on Newton.  Now let’s talk about achieving his level of brilliance.  Start fluffing your neckbeards.  Study: Playing Starcraft can Increase your Cognitive Abilities

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GTA Real Life: The Faggio Chronicles

Who here remembers the GTA series from our youth?  If so, you will remember the Faggio: a parody of both Vespa and Piaggio.  Here’s a photo from the game:

Cool, right?  Well I came across the ULTIMATE Faggio last weekend.  Huge faggio move.  Big league faggio.  Thanks, guy.

Dick move when I’m desperately searching for parking.  The guy is probably in the bar, sipping on a tall cool one:

Book plug time.  I read/listen to a book every two weeks and have been experimenting lately.  One that HAS to be on your list, even if you have but only the faintest interest in this stuff, is Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s Astrophysics for People in a Hurry.  Run to your library (or use the free Hoopla app for your phone) and get this book.  When Amazon recommends “Origins” by NDT, don’t worry, you basically already read it if you got through Astrophysics for Hombres in a Hurry.

Oh!  Is anyone up for a game?  Back, wayyyy back, before The Cookie Monster gave up carbs (cookies) for…well for other carbs (fruits and veggies), and before Mitt Romney threatened to put a bullet in Big Bird and cut funding, there was a game Big Bird played that he/she/it called One of These Things (although not every episode centered around him playing with his “yummy yummy bird seed,” even going as far as burying his/her/confused/undecided/but likely his nose in it).  Now I leave it to you: which one of these things is not like the others:

It’s hard to find so I’ll give you a hint: it’s in the middle up near the top, it’s small and undistinguished, it’s pink, and sometimes it can be hard to find in the broader sea of undulating movements.

And finally, food porn time!!!

Big Buck Hunter Guest Posting

I think it’s time I share my talents with the world: my college roommate and I, many years ago, held the record on the Big Buck Hunter at our local Walmart.  We would frequent the store simply to get Subway sandwiches followed by rounds of Big Buck Hunter near the checkout lines for up for an hour at a time.  Many times, this was after 10pm on weeknights.  Each of us had a record in a certain region of the country that stood for quite some time before Walmart eventually got rid of the machine shortly after our graduation.  If Walmart stole our country’s Rockwellian virginity, it certainly stripped me of my ego.  Anyway, my roommate came across the following article and it’s well worth reading:

If Our Country Can’t Agree On Basic Facts, I Fear My Record-Shattering High Score In ‘Big Buck Hunter’ Will Be Lost In The Murk

I remember when I actually trusted the news. I could turn on any TV news show or open any newspaper and trust that they were all working with the same set of facts. Those days are gone. In our new post-truth world, the very idea of objectivity seems to have vanished, ushering in an era of doubt. It all makes me deeply apprehensive, as I fear that in such uncertain times, my record-shattering high score in Big Buck Hunter will be lost in the murk.

Five years ago, no one would have disputed the facts: I scored 27,600 points. I did it with the gun that had the trigger that sometimes gets stuck. I capped off a perfect round with the biggest caribou I’ve seen on the “Alaska” stage. In short, I put on an absolute master class that night at Rudy’s Tavern, taking down buck after buck as an awestruck crowd of bar-goers gathered round.

What now keeps me up at night is the idea that our faith in media has evaporated to the point that the story of my insane BBH high score is in jeopardy.

In today’s skeptical, cynical landscape, who will carry the torch of truth? Yes, Smitty was there, cheering along with everyone else as I caught fire and racked up thousands of points in critter bonuses, but what if the incessant drumbeat of misinformation causes him to doubt himself? When we keep dismissing everything outside our narrow bubbles as false, when at any minute our president could go on another Twitter rampage, sowing confusion and calling my score into question, what does that mean for my scarcely believable Big Buck Hunter run?

And what of my initials, ROD, enshrined forever on the scoreboard? Do they mean nothing? What’s to stop a guy like Stephen Miller from going on CNN, denouncing my story as “fake news,” and claiming that the initials are wrong and that the high score actually belongs to Tony?

Our country is in a sorry state if people really believe that Tony—a guy who couldn’t shoot three bucks to save his life—has a chance of ever hitting one of those small, quick-moving racoons like I can.

From day one, I have been ruthlessly honest about my 11-stage perfect streak and three consecutive Marksman awards that night. Today, every bit of misinformation diminishes that accomplishment. I fear for my future, and I fear for my legacy. The time for action is now. We must resist.

¡¡¡Happy Cinco De Mayo Veinte Diecisiete!!! (and Arrested Development)

Wishing everyone a warm and fuzzy Cinco De Mayo.

Okay, lot to cover here, so time to play ketchup.   In the spirit of Mexican heritage, I’m throwing up a massive text wall.  Don’t like it?  This posting just got 2 paragraphs longer.  More than once in my life, I’ve been told that from time to time I can be mildly insensitive to other cultures and ways of life.  Bullshit, but okay.  It’s Cinco De Mayo and I’d like to make good on appreciating other cultures, so today’s song of the day is Right Now by Psy (don’t be a dick, give the song a chance, it’s good).  Much better than the golden oldies song that came on this morning where the main course is “baaa ba-ba ba-baaaaa, I knowwww you..” – if this were the Middle East, I’d get stoned if I were caught singing this to my male friends.  They’re a very literal people.

As many of you know, I’m an absolute dios when it comes to Heroes of the Storm (“HOTS” for anyone who can throw a spiral or doesn’t suffer from asthma and backne).  Back in December, before evvvverything changed when Trump was inaugurated, I went into a game as Chogall, stacking party-of-five XP bonuses on top of the holiday XP bonuses, among others.  Had my first and only 500,000+ XP game.  You better fucking believe that print screen found its way onto the watermark on my resume.  Employers dig teamwork, persistence, and originality.  I have yet to get any calls back.  Not unlike:

Anyway, back to snapping the suspenders of the Mexican people.  I recently had a game of HOTS where I was Chogall and working in close tandem with a teammate from Mexico, or Portugal, down old South America way.

Roughly translated, Sabaoth’s first two constructive messages to me are 1) Chogal, fuck you shit, and 2) I give you a whore.  It may sound border-line (ugh) adversarial, but I think we had some good communication that game, a real productive tete-a-tete.  Look a few lines up and you find the most important message.  At all costs.  Protect.  The fucking.  Healing fountain.

I’m getting lazy today and have to get back to work (“They’ve got a bus, and they want to use parking lot to this building as a meeting place.  I mean, for God’s sake, it’s not a hardware store.  We can’t have them hanging around like a bunch of freeloaders looking for an easy buck.” – Lucille Bluth).  Spent too long on my last two posts: to quote a buddy, “your latest blog has so much packed in there you’d think it was Bruce Jenner post-op.”  Biting social commentary…even in its brevity, and like the woman, it still has a lot of meat on it.

Here are my relevant Arrested Development photos for Cinco:

Two tips of the day.  1) Raspberries and diet coke: best combination you’ve ever had.  Pop a few raspberries in your mouth and take a swig of the diet coke – it’s AMAZING.  2) People like Nutella on toast (although my readership seems to be white bread).  Put 2-3 Reese’s peanut butter eggs on a toasted bagel and make a sandwich of it, it’s INCREDIBLE.  Bonus recommendation from my cigarette-smoking-man/friend: chew on Icebreakers mints while smoking cigarettes – better tasting than menthol cigarettes.  I must admit that I’ve had my share of cigarettes in my day, but after watching Hans Landa in the following, I’m never putting another wimpy-ass f*g in my mouth again:

Alright, time for me to get back to HOTS before this American Health Care Act beats a path through the senate floor.  My go-to character, Chogall, has a bit of a limp and I’m worried about playing him with his preexisting condition.

Risk: The Game Of Global Domination / Song of the Day (5/4/2017)

According to Wikipedia, Risk is a strategy board game of diplomacy, conflict, and conquest for 2 to 6 players.  The standard version is played on a board depicting a political map of the Earth, divided into 42 territories (let’s call these “American Territories To-be”), which are grouped into 6 continents.  Turn rotates among players who control armies of playing pieces with which (EXCELLENT grammar, Wikipedia) they attempt to capture territories from other players, with results determined by dice rolls (concept originated in North America following African expansion into U.S. territories).  Players may (and do) form and dissolve alliances during the course of the game.  The goal of the game is to occupy (and Americanize/Reaganize) every territory on the board and in doing so, eliminate the other players.

Let me hit you with the Song of the Day so you can follow along as I walk you through the game of Risk and how to bring democracy and civilized culture to the far corners of the world.  Today’s song of the day is Primo Victoria by Sabaton.  I recommend you watch at least parts of the music video once prior to continuing on.  So sit down, buckle up, and prepare to deliver liberty and justice on the back of Hellfire missiles to all.

Let me begin with the admission that I’ve never been a huge fan of Risk – as my reader(s yet?) knows, my attention span is microscopically short.  It’s what makes me such a pain in the ass to sit next to in quarterly board meetings.  If you ever get the chance, don’t sit next to me.  I’ve played the game maybe twice in my life, 12-14 years ago.  However, when a friend (and often thinly-veiled Risk ally) mentioned that Risk was available on Xbox back in January, I jumped on it like Trump on a ham wallet.  So, I gave the game another shot.  And HOLY FUCK was it fun.  Since then, I’ve played about 10 games of Risk and as I sit hunched over my computer before you today, I’ve CONQUERED 8 of those games.  How do I do it?  This may be a long post, so without giving you a Bush-style timeline, let’s find out:

  1. The game begins with the daft people of Microsoft (see: Windows 8, Halo MCC roll-out, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Edge, Bill Gates’ haircut) auto-selecting territories.  Also, set the game so you can move your armies across all contiguous territories, not just one territory at a time.  Germany conquered Poland in 3 days; that was 70 years ago.  We’re America in 2017, Mexico could be New-New Mexico by the end of Cinco De Mayo, tomorrow.  Your forces will be scattered throughout the map.  That’s fine.  Within the first few roles, the computer (or online competitor) will inevitably go for Australia.  Let them have it, they can sit there sucking on their two points all day long.  We don’t care.
  2. Upon your first role and turn, IMMEDIATELY START MOVING TROOPS TO NORTH AMERICA.  North America has INCREDIBLE natural boundaries – only 3 points of contact and it’s worth 5 points.  It’ll take you many, many turns to take North America so form an alliance with someone in Europe and South America and let it be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR that North America is yours and you’re not afraid to use the nuclear option on anyone who gets in your way.  Let one, or preferably two individuals take South America so they can fight among each other and deplete their resources.  South America is good at that.  If you can covertly plant the seeds of hyperinflation in South America, that’s good too.  Continue taking one territory on each turn to build up cards.  Obviously, focus on territories where you have a 3 vs. 1 option.  Look at that, math is relevant again.
  3. Take North America.  By all means necessary, for the love of Reagan, take North America.  You’re now getting 5 points each turn.  Europe is worth 5, but it’s borders are impossible to defend.  Asia is worth 7 points but you wun into the same issue, it’s too difficult to defend and the guy sitting in Australia will constantly be in your ass taking a territory with each turn.
  4. Congratulations!  You’ve taken North America and are now the most powerful force on the map.  But there’s no time for dilly dally.  IMMEDIATELY institute the Monroe Doctrine.  According to Wikipedia, “The Monroe Doctrine was a U.S. policy of opposing European colonialism in the Americas beginning in 1823.  It stated that further efforts by European (or global, in our case) nations to take control of any independent state in North or South America would be viewed as ‘the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition toward the United States.'”  That’s fair, but COMPLETELY disregard the second part of the doctrine: “At the same time, the doctrine noted that the U.S. would recognize and not interfere with existing European colonies nor meddle in the internal concerns of European countries.”  This part does not apply to you because A) you’re North America and B) you said this does not apply to you.
  5. You’ve got North America tied down.  Wait a couple of turns (consider throwing down your cards) and communicate to your ally in South America (or to the two duking it out down there) that South America is now formally annexed property and it’s time for them to flee to Africa.  Then?  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR.  Within the cozy of confines of your previously announced (read: implemented) Monroe Doctrine, send every infantryman, cavalry, tank, drone, blackhawk, F-22, X-35, destroyer, nuclear sub, aircraft carrier, and B-2 bomber into South America.  Straight through the belly of the beast.  While maintaining units in Eastern Russia (not Alaska, but blocking Alaska) and Iceland, park your forces in Brazil along the border with Africa.  You’re now earning 7 points a turn with only 3 touch points, and access to multiple territories such that you can now take a single territory with each turn, earning another card.
  6. Tell everyone on the map that you’re pragmatic and happy to make deals.  Make a deal with Africa.  Then after a few turns, decide that you don’t make deals, throw down your cards, and enter Africa with the force of a 1,000 hydrogen bombs.  You’re now heavily exposed to Europe and Asia but by this time, other players will have been weakened from within morally, spiritually, and economically.  The timing of this final push is extremely important.  Hopefully you’ve killed off ~2 players through these campaigns and have taken their cards prior to them throwing down.  Throw down your cards again, and take Europe.  Marching to Australia spreads you too thin unless you’re closing in from both Eastern Russia and Africa.  From there, to paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, this table is yours.

And that’s it!  There’s 2-3 hours definitely not wasted.  You’ve conquered the world and brought American values/food to the far reaches.  Bring with you this image so people understand what we’re all about:

Speaking of wasted time, I’ve been sitting in a restaurant eating Freedom Fries while the mechanics are working on my car next door.  Needed a new Control Arm and Ball Joint on my ride.  Expensive fix, but I go home with a new appreciation for arm jobs and BJs.  Currently sitting across from a cute couple and their larger friend.  Always frustrating when you see a couple out having fun but stuck hanging out with a third tire.

Finally, came across the following water towers which reminded me of Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) in Naked Gun.

One final thought: rather than the electoral process in the U.S., why don’t we simply let our politicians play Risk to determine the most eligible candidate to run our country?  Reagan be with you.

Song of the Day (2/10/2017)…and more

Really?  No one likes my windmills comment and allusion to Father Reagan?  Tough crowd…

Happy flipping Friday to you all!  With that, there are two songs of the day today:

1). Waves by Kanye West

2). Howling at Nothing by Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats

Yesterday evening, I discovered the magic of meme making.  Had to make two, one finance related and the other about feeling HOTS, HOTS, HOTS!!!

And finally.  Pitbull.  The man has his own cologne.  I’m…thrilled?

Oh!  How could I forget:

Yeahhhhhhh, don’t show up for work, mannnn.  Keep it up for another 108 days and you’ll truly earn that 70 cents on the dollar!  Well, it’s Friday.  I’m off to organize the men’s march.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it but the message is just as coherent as the women’s march at this point (i.e., claim there’s some actual stance on women’s rights but in reality, just spit vitriol and hate slogans at a president you don’t like).

Chicken Pancakes and Rocket League

Just a quick idea for those getting back at 1am and in need of some tasty protein (I’ll let this one go…).  Cook frozen, skinless boneless chicken tits in the pot on medium in vegetable oil and cover for twenty five minutes, flipping occasionally.  Then, cut the chicken now that it’s unfrozen and cut into tiny pieces.  It’s 1am and you’re home alone, cooking chicken and pancakes…so for the second time tonight, confirm you’re not seeing any “pink” and when you do, pour the pancake batter (mixed with water and more vegetable oil) into the pot around the chicken.  Cook for two to three minutes, flip, douse with salt and oregano, cook for another two minutes and voila, you got yourself a tasty, lazy-ass midnight treat.  Serve with hot sauce, mustard, or maple syrup.

Preparation phase:

Final product:

Further preparation:

And finally, because what’s a post without a shoutout to Rocket League and xBone Live, came across the following player this week and absolutely loved the name: