Random Bidtits (10/4/2017)

We begin with this:

I’m assuming this readership is aware of the term “honey pot.”

Next, a stellar quote from our Dealmaker in Chief: “The press is very powerful but it lasts for, both good and bad, lasts for a finite period of time. The one thing about the press is that it’s fleeting. It’s Fleet Street. You know, that’s why they called it Fleet Street. You know that, right? I just actually made that up.”  That’s pure gold.  Speaking of Trump,

I guess this means we won’t see Trump Torre any time soon.

And finally, Bazzers removing the logos on their bottles:

Turns out the San Fernando Valley cares more about intellectual property theft / economic espionage than the Chinee and Ruskies.

Advertisements

Song of the Day (8/31/2017)

Annyong!  Today’s song of the day is In Reverse by The War on Drugs.  Then I’ll leave you with some potentially doctored photos of our Charmer in Chief.  Also, did anyone see Melania with her FLOTUS hat on this week?  Great woman, great woman.  Made a fortune in wedlock.  Even if it’s a cruel, ugly existence.  Speaking of ugly existences, obligatory shout out to Ellen Pao.  It’s been years since Kleiner Perkins showed her the door…unfortunately it looks like she walked into it on the way out.

Before I forget!  I sat in on Tommy Thompson’s hearing in federal court earlier this summer.  You may have seen this story in the news recently but I got to sit in on the hearing and met TT.  Such an interesting story and guy.  Separately, and with a different federal judge from the one presiding over the Tommy case, I had lunch with a federal judge earlier this summer and rode around in an armored car with him – my first ride in an armored vehicle with the guns and gadgets and all!  We were tailed by another armored car and had a detail of six federal marshals everywhere we went.  One of the cooler experiences I’ve had as of late.  Anyway, I give you, The Donald:

Faith Tells Me That No Matter What Lies Ahead of Me, Reagan is Already There

Hooded Man #2: Have we started the fire?…  Bane: Yes. The [Reagan] rises. 

And finally.  My tomato garden has sprouted a va-jay:

Earlier in the harvest at a vegetable staff meeting to discuss the vegetable, fruit, and bacterial culture, Arianna Huffington, another pear, talked about how one tomato vagina on a plot often leads to more tomato vaginas joining a garden.

“Actually, what it shows is that it’s much more likely to be more talking,” Mr. Bonderman, resident anise, responded.

Song of the Day (8/6/2017)

Ahhhhh salaam and good evening to you, my dear friends (particularly relevant given this recent find:)

Man, I miss Robin Williams’ genie but I’m glad to see this American is repping well with his clever Beer shirt bought in the Kohl’s teenage boys section.  Anyway, today’s song of the day is Daddy’s Gotta go to Work by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  I feel like one of Reagan’s non-pigment-lacking victims in the 1980s…I’m getting rip roaring high on The Rock.  Speaking of which, don’t you absolutely adore this shirt:

Apologies that the photo is on a bit of a slant.  Speaking of which, if you’re bored with the same old Spankwire and Pornhub:

Never gets old.  And finally, the women’s march.  I made a bet with someone the day after the march (back in January if you’ve forgotten about it) that within 14 days, the media will have dropped the coverage entirely and the world will forget about what took place that day.  Yes, there was the strike in March, but with that lone exception, the world has moved on and forgotten about the plight of the penis-lacking proletariat.  One reason: the cause didn’t have a unified, coherent message.  I went to their website in late January, read the main page three times and still couldn’t figure out what the fuck their intended message meant.  The NRA is successful because they’ve rallied millions of people behind ONE SINGLE ISSUE.  It’s basic, the people know what they’re fighting for, and the message is beyond coherent.  You read the women’s march website and its a fucking patchwork of democratic causes that, although I support them, are scattered haphazardly not unlike Ellen Pao throwing darts at a newspaper figuring out which company she’ll sue next.  If they’d named the event “The March for Equality” there’d be no confusion and they wouldn’t ALIENATE HALF OF THEIR POTENTIAL SUPPORTERS, fucking morons.  They took a bunch of issues applicable to everyone…then excluded half of their base by hurling bullshit epithets at white men (ummmm, the very people in positions of power with the ability to enact social change).  It’s akin to the truck drivers in 2008, going 15 MPH on the highway in some misguided protest of high prices at the pump.  They’re blocking every other driver on the road, thereby alienating THE VERY PEOPLE who would most likely support them.  Top. Men.  Did you know that the women’s march has an app?  A phone app.  For your phone.  Seriously…

Oh, and their causes which they clearly ripped from the Democratic Party:

Well, sorry for the rant.  I’m fully supportive of equality but my gosh, they’re about as effective as Trump pushing anything that rhymes with “legislation.”  Well I’m off to work on my taxes following a six month extension earlier this year.  Wonder if I can claim the federal government as a dependent on my returns.

Big Buck Hunter Guest Posting

I think it’s time I share my talents with the world: my college roommate and I, many years ago, held the record on the Big Buck Hunter at our local Walmart.  We would frequent the store simply to get Subway sandwiches followed by rounds of Big Buck Hunter near the checkout lines for up for an hour at a time.  Many times, this was after 10pm on weeknights.  Each of us had a record in a certain region of the country that stood for quite some time before Walmart eventually got rid of the machine shortly after our graduation.  If Walmart stole our country’s Rockwellian virginity, it certainly stripped me of my ego.  Anyway, my roommate came across the following article and it’s well worth reading:

If Our Country Can’t Agree On Basic Facts, I Fear My Record-Shattering High Score In ‘Big Buck Hunter’ Will Be Lost In The Murk

I remember when I actually trusted the news. I could turn on any TV news show or open any newspaper and trust that they were all working with the same set of facts. Those days are gone. In our new post-truth world, the very idea of objectivity seems to have vanished, ushering in an era of doubt. It all makes me deeply apprehensive, as I fear that in such uncertain times, my record-shattering high score in Big Buck Hunter will be lost in the murk.

Five years ago, no one would have disputed the facts: I scored 27,600 points. I did it with the gun that had the trigger that sometimes gets stuck. I capped off a perfect round with the biggest caribou I’ve seen on the “Alaska” stage. In short, I put on an absolute master class that night at Rudy’s Tavern, taking down buck after buck as an awestruck crowd of bar-goers gathered round.

What now keeps me up at night is the idea that our faith in media has evaporated to the point that the story of my insane BBH high score is in jeopardy.

In today’s skeptical, cynical landscape, who will carry the torch of truth? Yes, Smitty was there, cheering along with everyone else as I caught fire and racked up thousands of points in critter bonuses, but what if the incessant drumbeat of misinformation causes him to doubt himself? When we keep dismissing everything outside our narrow bubbles as false, when at any minute our president could go on another Twitter rampage, sowing confusion and calling my score into question, what does that mean for my scarcely believable Big Buck Hunter run?

And what of my initials, ROD, enshrined forever on the scoreboard? Do they mean nothing? What’s to stop a guy like Stephen Miller from going on CNN, denouncing my story as “fake news,” and claiming that the initials are wrong and that the high score actually belongs to Tony?

Our country is in a sorry state if people really believe that Tony—a guy who couldn’t shoot three bucks to save his life—has a chance of ever hitting one of those small, quick-moving racoons like I can.

From day one, I have been ruthlessly honest about my 11-stage perfect streak and three consecutive Marksman awards that night. Today, every bit of misinformation diminishes that accomplishment. I fear for my future, and I fear for my legacy. The time for action is now. We must resist.

Risk: The Game Of Global Domination / Song of the Day (5/4/2017)

According to Wikipedia, Risk is a strategy board game of diplomacy, conflict, and conquest for 2 to 6 players.  The standard version is played on a board depicting a political map of the Earth, divided into 42 territories (let’s call these “American Territories To-be”), which are grouped into 6 continents.  Turn rotates among players who control armies of playing pieces with which (EXCELLENT grammar, Wikipedia) they attempt to capture territories from other players, with results determined by dice rolls (concept originated in North America following African expansion into U.S. territories).  Players may (and do) form and dissolve alliances during the course of the game.  The goal of the game is to occupy (and Americanize/Reaganize) every territory on the board and in doing so, eliminate the other players.

Let me hit you with the Song of the Day so you can follow along as I walk you through the game of Risk and how to bring democracy and civilized culture to the far corners of the world.  Today’s song of the day is Primo Victoria by Sabaton.  I recommend you watch at least parts of the music video once prior to continuing on.  So sit down, buckle up, and prepare to deliver liberty and justice on the back of Hellfire missiles to all.

Let me begin with the admission that I’ve never been a huge fan of Risk – as my reader(s yet?) knows, my attention span is microscopically short.  It’s what makes me such a pain in the ass to sit next to in quarterly board meetings.  If you ever get the chance, don’t sit next to me.  I’ve played the game maybe twice in my life, 12-14 years ago.  However, when a friend (and often thinly-veiled Risk ally) mentioned that Risk was available on Xbox back in January, I jumped on it like Trump on a ham wallet.  So, I gave the game another shot.  And HOLY FUCK was it fun.  Since then, I’ve played about 10 games of Risk and as I sit hunched over my computer before you today, I’ve CONQUERED 8 of those games.  How do I do it?  This may be a long post, so without giving you a Bush-style timeline, let’s find out:

  1. The game begins with the daft people of Microsoft (see: Windows 8, Halo MCC roll-out, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Edge, Bill Gates’ haircut) auto-selecting territories.  Also, set the game so you can move your armies across all contiguous territories, not just one territory at a time.  Germany conquered Poland in 3 days; that was 70 years ago.  We’re America in 2017, Mexico could be New-New Mexico by the end of Cinco De Mayo, tomorrow.  Your forces will be scattered throughout the map.  That’s fine.  Within the first few roles, the computer (or online competitor) will inevitably go for Australia.  Let them have it, they can sit there sucking on their two points all day long.  We don’t care.
  2. Upon your first role and turn, IMMEDIATELY START MOVING TROOPS TO NORTH AMERICA.  North America has INCREDIBLE natural boundaries – only 3 points of contact and it’s worth 5 points.  It’ll take you many, many turns to take North America so form an alliance with someone in Europe and South America and let it be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR that North America is yours and you’re not afraid to use the nuclear option on anyone who gets in your way.  Let one, or preferably two individuals take South America so they can fight among each other and deplete their resources.  South America is good at that.  If you can covertly plant the seeds of hyperinflation in South America, that’s good too.  Continue taking one territory on each turn to build up cards.  Obviously, focus on territories where you have a 3 vs. 1 option.  Look at that, math is relevant again.
  3. Take North America.  By all means necessary, for the love of Reagan, take North America.  You’re now getting 5 points each turn.  Europe is worth 5, but it’s borders are impossible to defend.  Asia is worth 7 points but you wun into the same issue, it’s too difficult to defend and the guy sitting in Australia will constantly be in your ass taking a territory with each turn.
  4. Congratulations!  You’ve taken North America and are now the most powerful force on the map.  But there’s no time for dilly dally.  IMMEDIATELY institute the Monroe Doctrine.  According to Wikipedia, “The Monroe Doctrine was a U.S. policy of opposing European colonialism in the Americas beginning in 1823.  It stated that further efforts by European (or global, in our case) nations to take control of any independent state in North or South America would be viewed as ‘the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition toward the United States.'”  That’s fair, but COMPLETELY disregard the second part of the doctrine: “At the same time, the doctrine noted that the U.S. would recognize and not interfere with existing European colonies nor meddle in the internal concerns of European countries.”  This part does not apply to you because A) you’re North America and B) you said this does not apply to you.
  5. You’ve got North America tied down.  Wait a couple of turns (consider throwing down your cards) and communicate to your ally in South America (or to the two duking it out down there) that South America is now formally annexed property and it’s time for them to flee to Africa.  Then?  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR.  Within the cozy of confines of your previously announced (read: implemented) Monroe Doctrine, send every infantryman, cavalry, tank, drone, blackhawk, F-22, X-35, destroyer, nuclear sub, aircraft carrier, and B-2 bomber into South America.  Straight through the belly of the beast.  While maintaining units in Eastern Russia (not Alaska, but blocking Alaska) and Iceland, park your forces in Brazil along the border with Africa.  You’re now earning 7 points a turn with only 3 touch points, and access to multiple territories such that you can now take a single territory with each turn, earning another card.
  6. Tell everyone on the map that you’re pragmatic and happy to make deals.  Make a deal with Africa.  Then after a few turns, decide that you don’t make deals, throw down your cards, and enter Africa with the force of a 1,000 hydrogen bombs.  You’re now heavily exposed to Europe and Asia but by this time, other players will have been weakened from within morally, spiritually, and economically.  The timing of this final push is extremely important.  Hopefully you’ve killed off ~2 players through these campaigns and have taken their cards prior to them throwing down.  Throw down your cards again, and take Europe.  Marching to Australia spreads you too thin unless you’re closing in from both Eastern Russia and Africa.  From there, to paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, this table is yours.

And that’s it!  There’s 2-3 hours definitely not wasted.  You’ve conquered the world and brought American values/food to the far reaches.  Bring with you this image so people understand what we’re all about:

Speaking of wasted time, I’ve been sitting in a restaurant eating Freedom Fries while the mechanics are working on my car next door.  Needed a new Control Arm and Ball Joint on my ride.  Expensive fix, but I go home with a new appreciation for arm jobs and BJs.  Currently sitting across from a cute couple and their larger friend.  Always frustrating when you see a couple out having fun but stuck hanging out with a third tire.

Finally, came across the following water towers which reminded me of Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) in Naked Gun.

One final thought: rather than the electoral process in the U.S., why don’t we simply let our politicians play Risk to determine the most eligible candidate to run our country?  Reagan be with you.

Happy Tax Day! Song of the Day (4/18/2017)

Aloha!  To celebrate Elizabeth G Warren’s favorite day of the year, the song of the day was originally going to be The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash given some of the lyrics seemed appropriate.  However, Johnny took it the Jesus religion route rather than the Reagan Religion route.  So, today’s song of the day is A Soldiers Pledge by Ronald Reagan.  Now for some gentle stroking for a man who’s smile could disarm a nation oblivious to his government expansion throughout the 1980s.  I didn’t say that…

Ronnie: “He sees an America in which every day is tax day, April 15th. But we see an America in which every day is Independence Day, July 4th.”

‘Merica.  Yeah, taxes suck.  But being anything other than an American would suck a whole lot more.