Song of the Day (8/6/2017)

Ahhhhh salaam and good evening to you, my dear friends (particularly relevant given this recent find:)

Man, I miss Robin Williams’ genie but I’m glad to see this American is repping well with his clever Beer shirt bought in the Kohl’s teenage boys section.  Anyway, today’s song of the day is Daddy’s Gotta go to Work by Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.  I feel like one of Reagan’s non-pigment-lacking victims in the 1980s…I’m getting rip roaring high on The Rock.  Speaking of which, don’t you absolutely adore this shirt:

Apologies that the photo is on a bit of a slant.  Speaking of which, if you’re bored with the same old Spankwire and Pornhub:

Never gets old.  And finally, the women’s march.  I made a bet with someone the day after the march (back in January if you’ve forgotten about it) that within 14 days, the media will have dropped the coverage entirely and the world will forget about what took place that day.  Yes, there was the strike in March, but with that lone exception, the world has moved on and forgotten about the plight of the penis-lacking proletariat.  One reason: the cause didn’t have a unified, coherent message.  I went to their website in late January, read the main page three times and still couldn’t figure out what the fuck their intended message meant.  The NRA is successful because they’ve rallied millions of people behind ONE SINGLE ISSUE.  It’s basic, the people know what they’re fighting for, and the message is beyond coherent.  You read the women’s march website and its a fucking patchwork of democratic causes that, although I support them, are scattered haphazardly not unlike Ellen Pao throwing darts at a newspaper figuring out which company she’ll sue next.  If they’d named the event “The March for Equality” there’d be no confusion and they wouldn’t ALIENATE HALF OF THEIR POTENTIAL SUPPORTERS, fucking morons.  They took a bunch of issues applicable to everyone…then excluded half of their base by hurling bullshit epithets at white men (ummmm, the very people in positions of power with the ability to enact social change).  It’s akin to the truck drivers in 2008, going 15 MPH on the highway in some misguided protest of high prices at the pump.  They’re blocking every other driver on the road, thereby alienating THE VERY PEOPLE who would most likely support them.  Top. Men.  Did you know that the women’s march has an app?  A phone app.  For your phone.  Seriously…

Oh, and their causes which they clearly ripped from the Democratic Party:

Well, sorry for the rant.  I’m fully supportive of equality but my gosh, they’re about as effective as Trump pushing anything that rhymes with “legislation.”  Well I’m off to work on my taxes following a six month extension earlier this year.  Wonder if I can claim the federal government as a dependent on my returns.

Big Buck Hunter Guest Posting

I think it’s time I share my talents with the world: my college roommate and I, many years ago, held the record on the Big Buck Hunter at our local Walmart.  We would frequent the store simply to get Subway sandwiches followed by rounds of Big Buck Hunter near the checkout lines for up for an hour at a time.  Many times, this was after 10pm on weeknights.  Each of us had a record in a certain region of the country that stood for quite some time before Walmart eventually got rid of the machine shortly after our graduation.  If Walmart stole our country’s Rockwellian virginity, it certainly stripped me of my ego.  Anyway, my roommate came across the following article and it’s well worth reading:

If Our Country Can’t Agree On Basic Facts, I Fear My Record-Shattering High Score In ‘Big Buck Hunter’ Will Be Lost In The Murk

I remember when I actually trusted the news. I could turn on any TV news show or open any newspaper and trust that they were all working with the same set of facts. Those days are gone. In our new post-truth world, the very idea of objectivity seems to have vanished, ushering in an era of doubt. It all makes me deeply apprehensive, as I fear that in such uncertain times, my record-shattering high score in Big Buck Hunter will be lost in the murk.

Five years ago, no one would have disputed the facts: I scored 27,600 points. I did it with the gun that had the trigger that sometimes gets stuck. I capped off a perfect round with the biggest caribou I’ve seen on the “Alaska” stage. In short, I put on an absolute master class that night at Rudy’s Tavern, taking down buck after buck as an awestruck crowd of bar-goers gathered round.

What now keeps me up at night is the idea that our faith in media has evaporated to the point that the story of my insane BBH high score is in jeopardy.

In today’s skeptical, cynical landscape, who will carry the torch of truth? Yes, Smitty was there, cheering along with everyone else as I caught fire and racked up thousands of points in critter bonuses, but what if the incessant drumbeat of misinformation causes him to doubt himself? When we keep dismissing everything outside our narrow bubbles as false, when at any minute our president could go on another Twitter rampage, sowing confusion and calling my score into question, what does that mean for my scarcely believable Big Buck Hunter run?

And what of my initials, ROD, enshrined forever on the scoreboard? Do they mean nothing? What’s to stop a guy like Stephen Miller from going on CNN, denouncing my story as “fake news,” and claiming that the initials are wrong and that the high score actually belongs to Tony?

Our country is in a sorry state if people really believe that Tony—a guy who couldn’t shoot three bucks to save his life—has a chance of ever hitting one of those small, quick-moving racoons like I can.

From day one, I have been ruthlessly honest about my 11-stage perfect streak and three consecutive Marksman awards that night. Today, every bit of misinformation diminishes that accomplishment. I fear for my future, and I fear for my legacy. The time for action is now. We must resist.

Risk: The Game Of Global Domination / Song of the Day (5/4/2017)

According to Wikipedia, Risk is a strategy board game of diplomacy, conflict, and conquest for 2 to 6 players.  The standard version is played on a board depicting a political map of the Earth, divided into 42 territories (let’s call these “American Territories To-be”), which are grouped into 6 continents.  Turn rotates among players who control armies of playing pieces with which (EXCELLENT grammar, Wikipedia) they attempt to capture territories from other players, with results determined by dice rolls (concept originated in North America following African expansion into U.S. territories).  Players may (and do) form and dissolve alliances during the course of the game.  The goal of the game is to occupy (and Americanize/Reaganize) every territory on the board and in doing so, eliminate the other players.

Let me hit you with the Song of the Day so you can follow along as I walk you through the game of Risk and how to bring democracy and civilized culture to the far corners of the world.  Today’s song of the day is Primo Victoria by Sabaton.  I recommend you watch at least parts of the music video once prior to continuing on.  So sit down, buckle up, and prepare to deliver liberty and justice on the back of Hellfire missiles to all.

Let me begin with the admission that I’ve never been a huge fan of Risk – as my reader(s yet?) knows, my attention span is microscopically short.  It’s what makes me such a pain in the ass to sit next to in quarterly board meetings.  If you ever get the chance, don’t sit next to me.  I’ve played the game maybe twice in my life, 12-14 years ago.  However, when a friend (and often thinly-veiled Risk ally) mentioned that Risk was available on Xbox back in January, I jumped on it like Trump on a ham wallet.  So, I gave the game another shot.  And HOLY FUCK was it fun.  Since then, I’ve played about 10 games of Risk and as I sit hunched over my computer before you today, I’ve CONQUERED 8 of those games.  How do I do it?  This may be a long post, so without giving you a Bush-style timeline, let’s find out:

  1. The game begins with the daft people of Microsoft (see: Windows 8, Halo MCC roll-out, Internet Explorer, Microsoft Edge, Bill Gates’ haircut) auto-selecting territories.  Also, set the game so you can move your armies across all contiguous territories, not just one territory at a time.  Germany conquered Poland in 3 days; that was 70 years ago.  We’re America in 2017, Mexico could be New-New Mexico by the end of Cinco De Mayo, tomorrow.  Your forces will be scattered throughout the map.  That’s fine.  Within the first few roles, the computer (or online competitor) will inevitably go for Australia.  Let them have it, they can sit there sucking on their two points all day long.  We don’t care.
  2. Upon your first role and turn, IMMEDIATELY START MOVING TROOPS TO NORTH AMERICA.  North America has INCREDIBLE natural boundaries – only 3 points of contact and it’s worth 5 points.  It’ll take you many, many turns to take North America so form an alliance with someone in Europe and South America and let it be CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR that North America is yours and you’re not afraid to use the nuclear option on anyone who gets in your way.  Let one, or preferably two individuals take South America so they can fight among each other and deplete their resources.  South America is good at that.  If you can covertly plant the seeds of hyperinflation in South America, that’s good too.  Continue taking one territory on each turn to build up cards.  Obviously, focus on territories where you have a 3 vs. 1 option.  Look at that, math is relevant again.
  3. Take North America.  By all means necessary, for the love of Reagan, take North America.  You’re now getting 5 points each turn.  Europe is worth 5, but it’s borders are impossible to defend.  Asia is worth 7 points but you wun into the same issue, it’s too difficult to defend and the guy sitting in Australia will constantly be in your ass taking a territory with each turn.
  4. Congratulations!  You’ve taken North America and are now the most powerful force on the map.  But there’s no time for dilly dally.  IMMEDIATELY institute the Monroe Doctrine.  According to Wikipedia, “The Monroe Doctrine was a U.S. policy of opposing European colonialism in the Americas beginning in 1823.  It stated that further efforts by European (or global, in our case) nations to take control of any independent state in North or South America would be viewed as ‘the manifestation of an unfriendly disposition toward the United States.'”  That’s fair, but COMPLETELY disregard the second part of the doctrine: “At the same time, the doctrine noted that the U.S. would recognize and not interfere with existing European colonies nor meddle in the internal concerns of European countries.”  This part does not apply to you because A) you’re North America and B) you said this does not apply to you.
  5. You’ve got North America tied down.  Wait a couple of turns (consider throwing down your cards) and communicate to your ally in South America (or to the two duking it out down there) that South America is now formally annexed property and it’s time for them to flee to Africa.  Then?  CRY HAVOC AND LET SLIP THE DOGS OF WAR.  Within the cozy of confines of your previously announced (read: implemented) Monroe Doctrine, send every infantryman, cavalry, tank, drone, blackhawk, F-22, X-35, destroyer, nuclear sub, aircraft carrier, and B-2 bomber into South America.  Straight through the belly of the beast.  While maintaining units in Eastern Russia (not Alaska, but blocking Alaska) and Iceland, park your forces in Brazil along the border with Africa.  You’re now earning 7 points a turn with only 3 touch points, and access to multiple territories such that you can now take a single territory with each turn, earning another card.
  6. Tell everyone on the map that you’re pragmatic and happy to make deals.  Make a deal with Africa.  Then after a few turns, decide that you don’t make deals, throw down your cards, and enter Africa with the force of a 1,000 hydrogen bombs.  You’re now heavily exposed to Europe and Asia but by this time, other players will have been weakened from within morally, spiritually, and economically.  The timing of this final push is extremely important.  Hopefully you’ve killed off ~2 players through these campaigns and have taken their cards prior to them throwing down.  Throw down your cards again, and take Europe.  Marching to Australia spreads you too thin unless you’re closing in from both Eastern Russia and Africa.  From there, to paraphrase Cosmo Kramer, this table is yours.

And that’s it!  There’s 2-3 hours definitely not wasted.  You’ve conquered the world and brought American values/food to the far reaches.  Bring with you this image so people understand what we’re all about:

Speaking of wasted time, I’ve been sitting in a restaurant eating Freedom Fries while the mechanics are working on my car next door.  Needed a new Control Arm and Ball Joint on my ride.  Expensive fix, but I go home with a new appreciation for arm jobs and BJs.  Currently sitting across from a cute couple and their larger friend.  Always frustrating when you see a couple out having fun but stuck hanging out with a third tire.

Finally, came across the following water towers which reminded me of Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) in Naked Gun.

One final thought: rather than the electoral process in the U.S., why don’t we simply let our politicians play Risk to determine the most eligible candidate to run our country?  Reagan be with you.

Happy Tax Day! Song of the Day (4/18/2017)

Aloha!  To celebrate Elizabeth G Warren’s favorite day of the year, the song of the day was originally going to be The Man Comes Around by Johnny Cash given some of the lyrics seemed appropriate.  However, Johnny took it the Jesus religion route rather than the Reagan Religion route.  So, today’s song of the day is A Soldiers Pledge by Ronald Reagan.  Now for some gentle stroking for a man who’s smile could disarm a nation oblivious to his government expansion throughout the 1980s.  I didn’t say that…

Ronnie: “He sees an America in which every day is tax day, April 15th. But we see an America in which every day is Independence Day, July 4th.”

‘Merica.  Yeah, taxes suck.  But being anything other than an American would suck a whole lot more.

Song of the Day (4/16/2017) and Arrested Development/Reagan

Happy Easter/Passover everyone!  This week, we take a moment to remember a final supper, a betrayal, and a beard (and the man beneath it) that rose from the ashes postmortem (how’s my Latin?  Do I need to go back to the Roman Catholic Church and do some boning up?).

I’m not quite sure how JC rose from the dead – he really pulled a rabbit out of his ass, and while I have never pulled a rabbit out of my own, I have definitely pulled out my fair share of hares.  Write that down.

Today’s song of the day is May we All by Florida Georgia Line.  Some easy listening for you while you’re searching for eggs, either in your backyard or in your wife.  Your Sunday is your business.

Obligatory Arrested Development references:

…dot com.

…climb that wall, homo!

This blog is looking more and more like it should just be an instagram account; however, fuck tech savvy millennials.  I was at a friend’s parents’ house a few weeks ago – the mother works as a political correspondent for Fox News (fingers crossed she gets a big payday from Bill “Fuck it, we’ll do it live” O’Reilly) – and I came across this epic shrine to Ronnie:

Next.  I walked through an estate sale yesterday and came across the best piece of marketing of all time:

Whatever happened to Amoco?  Ohhhhh, I know, it was swallowed up by BP (no joke).  I haven’t heard of BP since that big oil spill in the gulf.  Wonder what they’re up to these days

we’re sorry.

Alrighty!  Time to go eat dinner, happy Easter/Passover everyone!

(Photo above from Brooklyn last week.  As someone said, when Brooklyn is sending their people into Manhattan, they’re not sending their best).

Today’s bad taste joke of the day comes from a close family member and all around funny guy: I was at the church the other day and the Father was complaining that while the nativity scene out front was beautiful, the local youth kept on stealing the baby Jesus.  Easy fix, I told the priest that I could probably find four roman centurions to nail it down.

Stay thirsty, mis amigos. 

Song of the Day (2/10/2017)…and more

Really?  No one likes my windmills comment and allusion to Father Reagan?  Tough crowd…

Happy flipping Friday to you all!  With that, there are two songs of the day today:

1). Waves by Kanye West

2). Howling at Nothing by Nathaniel Rateliff and The Night Sweats

Yesterday evening, I discovered the magic of meme making.  Had to make two, one finance related and the other about feeling HOTS, HOTS, HOTS!!!

And finally.  Pitbull.  The man has his own cologne.  I’m…thrilled?

Oh!  How could I forget:

Yeahhhhhhh, don’t show up for work, mannnn.  Keep it up for another 108 days and you’ll truly earn that 70 cents on the dollar!  Well, it’s Friday.  I’m off to organize the men’s march.  There’s no rhyme or reason to it but the message is just as coherent as the women’s march at this point (i.e., claim there’s some actual stance on women’s rights but in reality, just spit vitriol and hate slogans at a president you don’t like).

J. Peterman Reality Bus Tour, Reagan, and Remote Year

A banker sent me the following acquisition opportunity this morning:

“A new deal matching your criteria has been added to DealForce: New York Sightseeing Tour Operator

Description:

The Company is a receptive tour, transportation, and travel management company. It offers customized and traditional daily sightseeing tours, as well as tailor-made, fun-filled, group discounted room and tour vacation packages. Services include a range of sightseeing tours and group/charter, as well as step-on guide services. Operations are supported by the Company’s fleet of 22 buses/shuttles and 4 vans for sightseeing, and 7 unique trolleys which can be used for special events, groups, or sightseeing. Operations are supported by a base of 68 full-time and 29-part time employees, including 44 commissioned sales agents, 32 drivers, 6 dispatchers, and other administrative and management personnel. The employee base fluctuates from approximately 25 in low season up to 100 in high season.”

And it occurred to me: here’s a perfect opportunity to buy and create my own J. Peterman Reality Bus Tour.  I’m looking for senior lenders who are willing to finance the entire purchase price with PIK interest and no amortization.  Any takers?

Jumping topics.  I was crisscrossing America’s crossroads state and came across the following sullen image:

Time for a message to my President: 

Mr. Trump, we Americans welcome change and openness; for we believe that oil & gas and economic prosperity go together, that the advance of domestic drilling can only strengthen the cause of the American superpower.  There is one sign your administration can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of prosperity and economic growth.  Señor meister Donald Trump, if you seek energy independence, if you seek prosperity for the American people, if you seek liberalization, come here to this wind farm. Mr. Trump, open federal lands. Mr. Trump, tear down this wind farm!

(Less than 100 miles away)  Do it in the name of:

And finally, something called Remote Year.  A buddy applied to this and brought it to my attention.  Absolutely fabulous idea.  From their website: Remote Year brings together a community of 75 interesting professionals from across the globe to spend a year working, traveling, and exploring 12 cities around the world.  Spending one month in each location, the community will connect with local cultures and business ecosystems, forming lifelong, borderless personal and professional relationships along the way.