Arch Stanton Guest Post: Kim Jong Il’s Titles, Ranked

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Everyone knows North Korea’s leaders (Kim Il-song, Kim Jong-il and Kim Jong-un) have an array of special titles, but they have more than you’d think. Like, WAY more. Many are simple modifiers on a title, whether normal or imagined. North Korean media is required to use one of these when addressing their leader in a publication, and is encouraged (read: also required) to bold their name or use a larger font. I wanted to rank them because I love ranking things, and because it’s important to know what to call our benevolent overlord after the impending war caused by our saber-rattling septuagenarian. Just kidding! We’ll all be swallowed whole in a nuclear hellfire before that! Let’s get to it already.

Amazing Politician: At first blush, you’d think this was an honor, but stop and think about it for a minute – an amazing politician is someone who is dishonest and manages to shoehorn their way into every topic regardless of their stance and is all-around terrible. This is basically saying, “you have a lot in common with Ted Cruz”. Fuck no.

Superior Person: What? It seems very half-assed. North Korea, I expect better from you… said no one ever.

Savior: I like my cult leader titles to be a little less on the nose.

Leader

Unique Leader

Great Leader

Peerless Leader

Respected Leader

Dear Leader

Wise Leader

Brilliant Leader

Supreme Leader of the Nation

Beloved and Respected Leader: Why are there so many modifiers for ‘leader’? it’s a very modest title, but if we’re going to use it, I will take two compliments rather than just one.

Fate of the Nation: Sounds like a lot of pressure. No thanks.

Commander-in-Chief: America let a fat idiot who is scared of stairs (http://thehill.com/homenews/media/325280-cnn-reporter-is-trump-afraid-of-stairs) use this term. No thanks.

Sun of the Communist Future: Here is the part of the list consisting of heavy-handed endorsements of communism which, hard pass.

Leader of the Party, the Country and the Army

Great Leader of our Party and of our Nation

Sun of Socialism

Leader of the Party and the People

Eternal General Secretary of the Party

Highest Incarnation of the Revolutionary Comradeship: If we’re going to embrace the communist monikers, let’s REALLY commit to it at least.

Great Man, Who is a Man of Deeds: I mean – what? He does deeds? Are they dirty deeds? Are they done dirt cheap? If any outlet uses this title, someone’s getting sent to a prison camp because this is a total cop-out. “Kim Jong-un, he does things” – get the fuck outta here.

Shining Star of Paektu Mountain: I don’t know what Paektu Mountain is, but I have a hunch it’s fake.

Bright Sun of Juche: Also fake.

Bright Sun of Pudank: Definitely fake.

Dear Father: Sounds like a weird Nicholas Sparks fan-fiction.

Beloved Father

Father of the Nation

Father of the People

Guarantee of the Fatherland’s Unification: I hate the use of “guarantee” as a noun. I base this opinion on absolutely nothing of substance or verifiable reason.

Symbol of the Fatherland’s Unification

General: Needs more gusto.

Great General: Better.

Beloved and Respected General: THERE it is.

Great Marshall: Bland.

Great Defender: Leaves a lot to the imagination. Thanks for defending us from… freedom of speech? Democracy? Food that isn’t dirt?

Leader of the Revolutionary Armed Forces: “Revolution” is such a gaudy term. It suggests being a part of the proletariat at one point in the past. Not us, we are sophisticated people of good breeding and can have no such stink on us.

Mastermind of the Revolution: You can call Kim Jong-un the mastermind of a revolution that happened twenty-four or twenty-five years before he was born, because that makes total sense. Also I just learned that no one knows his actually birthday – he is either 34 or 35, and there is a lot of debate on this. You learned something today!

His Excellency: Solid, but infringes heavily on the Pope, who’s got his own shit going on right now. I’m about cultivating positive PR, and we don’t need to get the stink of the Catholic Church all over us.

Sun of the Nation: Eh.

Great Sun of the Nation: Oh fuck yeah, much better.

Great Man, Who Descended from Heaven: Feels kind of blasphemous doesn’t it? I can dig it.

Glorious General, Who Descended from Heaven: ACTUALLY blasphemous.

The Great Sun of Life: In a sea of vastly over dramatic claims, “Sun of Life” is TOO much.

Leader of the 21st Century: Feels ho-hum, does it not?

Bright Sun of the 21st Century: You’re just describing the sun – no shit it’s bright, that’s literally what a sun is.

Great Sun of the 21st Century: ‘Great Sun’ I can definitely work with though.

World Leader of the 21st Century: There we go. I am all about being the apex of a new world order.

Guiding Star of the 21st Century: NOOOOOPE quasi-deified leader is much better.

Guiding Sun Ray: Got a real cult vibe to it, which fits in my life goal of having my own cult. Don’t worry, you’ll all get an invitation.

Invincible and Triumphant General: ‘Invincible’ is such an incredibly ballsy modifier. Do you think people roll their eyes (figuratively, lest they have them literally plucked from their skull) when they hear that? Like… we all know he definitely isn’t invincible, but we all have to pretend anyway. Everyone called his dad invincible, and then he just… left? Went to a farm upstate? He died! He definitely wasn’t invincible! Plus, triumphant is fantastic too – this five foot five inch chubby internet troll has only been triumphant against his generals when he makes them play Warcraft with him.

Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander: ‘Ever-victorious’, like North Korea has ever won a war. ‘Iron-Willed’ is great though. Credit where it’s due.

Party Centre: This is what I like to think people say about me when I show up at the bar.

Dear Leader, Who is a Perfect Incarnation of the Appearance that a Deader Should Have: I will not attempt to mask my tremendous vanity. Please refer to me as “Dear Leader, who is a perfect incarnation of the appearance that a leader should have Arch Stanton” going forward. I will not respond to anything else.

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OMG! Asians are Disadvantaged at Harvard?!?

Stop the presses. SHUT DOWN THE MACHIIIIIIINES!!!!

What the fuck just happened and how is this now news? Fortunately, your author and Individual Liberties Justice Warrior is here to clear the air. Let me explain something very fucking clearly for you SJWs. Put down your pastel-colored knitted scarves and shake off your fair trade hemp sandals because this is going to be jarring:

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IN THE WORKPLACE AND ON CAMPUS IS EFFECTIVELY A ZERO SUM GAME. Wooooooooooo-aahhh! Shocking, right? All these Asians and SJWs are now up in arms about this news from the DOJ. I ask you: WHAT ABOUT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION?!? For years, decades, scores, Harvard, Goldman Sachs, and every other institution of any merit has disadvantaged white people for the benefit of non-white people. SHOCKING! But now that non-whites are being institutionally disadvantaged, well, it’s time to throw a massive shit fit and “take it to the streets.”

Jesus, guys. I don’t really care if you support affirmative action or not. But these SJWs warriors can’t pick winner and losers out of some self-ascribed moral high ground. The hypocrisy is disgusting. Amazing that people aren’t making the parallel between this DOJ story and affirmative action.

Sorry to bum you guys out. Here’s some jingoism that’ll put the tingle back in your jones:

‘Merica, motherfuckers. Sorry for the rant. I feel this immense urge to break my dick on the backs of these hypocrites. (SPOILER ALERT: your author is male)

What can I say? As the world’s first ILJW, I believe in rugged individualism. That’s why I voted for Faith Spotted Eagle. I really identified with her foreign policy platform and bold economic plan.

Let’s put the merit back in meritocracy, folks.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 17 in Today I Learned – Operation Paul Bunyan

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As we sit delicately on the precipice of World War III with North Korea while our Cheeto-dusted Commander in Chief pouts and yells at the North Korean Rocket Boy, let’s revisit an oft-forgotten incident that had the White House convinced World War III was about to break out in 1976 between American and South Korean forces and North Korea over a precariously located poplar tree.

Let’s set the scene here, which is essential to understanding why this particular poplar was of powerful political passions. On the western side of the demilitarized zone was a spot called Panmunjom. At Panmunjom, the North and South Koreans squabbled over a sliver of land. There was a South Korean/American outpost at the end of their designated property with a particular observation checkpoint directly on the edge of the North Korean property; soldiers called this little shed the “Point of No Return” – you were literally yards away from North Korean soldiers who would deliberately antagonize American soldiers and wave guns at them in an attempt to provoke a response which, if given would lead to escalation or possible kidnapping into North Korea. If you got kidnapped into North Korean – SPOILER – you would not be returning. Soldiers HAAAAAAATED this task, as you could imagine. Not only were you standing guard alone, you would be spit at (or on, in some instances), guns pointed at you, with black soldiers reporting slurs and monkey gestures thrown at them. Go ahead and scratch North Korea off your list of potential spring break ’19 destinations.

To protect soldiers standing guard from disappearing overnight from this outpost, a larger more secure watchtower was constructed and manned by the UN on an outcropping to look down from above. Great! Problem solved! Except in the spring, this one tree, this ONE FUCKING POPLAR TREE, would blossom and completely eclipse the outpost, defeating the entire point of the watchtower. The American outpost commander did exactly what any grumpy dad would do when an unkempt bush questionably located between a neighbor’s property and his own infringed on his own: he cut that bitch down.

The South Korean/American delegation sent ten men, including three Americans to cut this shit down. They trotted out to this disputed sliver of land, and began to chop away with axes at this tree. The North Korean commander came out, furious (again – this is the most tense neighborly-shrub dispute in the history of the world) and declared KIM IL SUNG HIMSELF had planted and nourished this tree, and they needed to stop immediately. Captain Arthur Bonifas, being the badass he was, turned his back to this tiny pouting Korean man and went back to chopping at the tree. The Northerner left and returned shortly after with approximately thirty men and again demanded the Southern delegation leave. Captain Bonifas, as he had done before, turned his back on the North Koreans, who did not take this insult twice, and proceeded to beat him. Chaos exploded, everyone panicked and split, and within twenty to thirty seconds, the scrum ended with two Americans in critical condition after being bludgeoned with the axes they had been using. Captain Bonifas and another soldier died from their wounds before the day was over.

“Outraged” seems to be a woefully insufficient way to describe the American response to this provocation. To further this feeling, the North Koreans quickly released a statement saying they requested a halt to the tree chopping, at which point they were attacked, and the causalities were the result of the Americans’ actions attacking them. The Americans “officially” considered three responses, but really only two and half-ish: 1. Full-on assault: This would essentially begin World War III, which is what everyone desperately hoped to avoid, especially the US who was already floundering in a bogged-down war in Vietnam at the same. 2. Nothing: This is the half-ish idea. Have you ever known America to stand down and avoid a confrontation? There was never a chance the Americans were going to let the murder of two soldiers slide while the North Koreans cockily egged them on from across the bridge. 3. “Cut down the tree with the aid of overwhelming force.” Fucking. Booyah.

On August 21, 1976, the Americans responded with extreme prejudice with Operation Paul Bunyan. After being elevated to DEFCON-3 (only the third time the military-readiness system had been that high, along with immediately after 9/11 and the Yom Kippur War between Egypt and Syria against Israel in 1973), the shit was about to hit the fan. At 8 am, two eight-man teams went to the tree covered in Kevlar and armed with axes and side arms. You will see how quaint those side arms are shortly. Men on the teams had to volunteer for the mission because leadership was legitimately concerned that the North Koreans would open fire and attempt to escalate the situation, so to be standing on a ladder with an ax mere yards away from a North Korean firing squad was what many would call “a big ask”. Now, these teams were not alone. With them into the questionable zone went two 30-man security platoons (considering the agreement that only thirty men from either side be allowed in the zone at once, this was provocative enough in itself). So here we are, with 76 men in the secured zone already while two men simultaneously worked a chainsaw on opposite sides of the tree.

A team from another company had activated denotation charges underneath the bridge and established a machine gun nest near the American outpost. The South Koreans organized a 64-man task force consisting of special forces specially trained in tae kwon do for close quarters combat, who showed up at the last minute with rifles, grenade launchers and claymore explosives strapped to their chests. So much for not escalating the situation. When South Korea commits, they fucking COMMIT.

The engineer teams are going to town on this tree. when the North Koreans noticed and responded with some 200 men with assault rifles and machine guns. Commanding officer Lieutenant Colonel Vierra identified their response, and radioed in for the REAL shit. Twenty American utility helicopters outfitted with machine guns rose from behind the South Korean outpost, along with seven fully stocked Cobra helicopters hovering a few dozen yards away from the most fraught-over tree in world history, all with artillery targeted at the suddenly vastly outgunned North Koreans. One of the guys on the ground reported how it seemed the choppers covered the entire horizon behind them.

That is a hilarious amount of overkill to chop a tree down, but America doesn’t do hilarious overkill – they do downright PREPOSTEROUS. A fleet of B-52s stormed overhead from a Japanese airbase, each flanked by F-4s with South Korean F-5s and F-86s patrolling the airzone at higher altitude – although still low enough to be in sight of all parties on the ground. An American artillery unit settled a fleet of Hawk guided missiles on the ridge overlooking the questioned area, while the USS Midway stationed near Guam had earlier sent every plane on-board toward the area (along with three nuclear-capable bombers), which just so happened to be popping up on North Korean radar on a direct trajectory to Pyongyang at roughly 8:30 am. A separate air base in Japan had a dozen C-130s fueled and lined up on the edge of the runway nose-to-tail for further instructions. Henry Kissinger and President Ford both sat patiently in the Oval Office awaiting updates, prepared to hand down further commands should all the above somehow, staggeringly, not be enough.

So, for about forty-five minutes, four engineers took turns standing on the roof of a jeep pruning limbs off a tree, while North Koreans assembled and pointed a machine gun at them with fighter jets and bombers circled overhead with a dozen helicopters hovering behind them, with a platoon of South Korean lunatics strapping claymore explosives to their chest, all while the President sat and listened in.

The next day, North Korea had issued a statement accepting blame for the death of the American soldiers, the first time they had accepted any blame whatsoever for any skirmishes at any checkpoint, despite even the UN agreeing the were almost always responsible. The United States responded their apology was not accepted, but noted it was a step in the right direction as they wished to avoid escalating the situation any further. This is the story of the time North Korea thought they wanted some shit, to which America responded by taking its collective dick out and slapping it on their foreheads, for which the North Koreans then apologized for impeding the dick’s trajectory.

(Note – I primarily used an article from the Atavist (https://magazine.atavist.com/axes-of-evil-north-korea-dmz-tree-murders) for this. If this story interests you, and you want to read the specifics like how the on-ground commander jeopardized the lines of communication so the White House couldn’t interfere, or how they went about selecting the most physically imposing individuals for the “Point of No Return” outpost or, ya know, ACTUALLY journalism, I strongly recommend checking it out. It is indeed this outlandish and worth your time.)

Stop the Fucking Presses…

WE MISSED SOMETHING BIG:

And if that isn’t enough to put papers in hands, then you’ve got to appreciate this helpful insight:

I’m coining it right here and right now: snowflake journalism. Enjoy it before it gets popular…

HEY GUYS! Want to know the sort of innovative projects that your tax dollars are supporting?

The Ohio Department of Trans-Deportation, woah, “Freudian slip” (I hear these go for $50 down on the seedy TS side of town), Transportation has decided that smartphone-wielding consumers can use an app that provides a GPS/map with all sorts of neat functionality like identifying traffic, estimating delay times, and re-routing. Um. Ohio. PIIIIIISSST. Come here a second.

THE LARGEST TECH COMPANIES IN THE WORLD HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE BEFORE LEBRON PUT YOUR DICK-SNEEZE, SHIT-UGLY STATE BORDERS ON THE MAP. I’d threaten to send in The Donald to drain your swamp but we’d just end up with another Kentucky/Tennessee.

Finally, I was passing through Columbia City last week and saw their beautiful water tower:

Impressive, right? Feeling hungry? Feeling like a burger and fries? Maybe a Diet Coke? Maybe it’s because the city ripped off White Castle’s logo:

Arch Stanton Guest Post: A Compelling Wikipedia Page

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I was perusing Wikipedia of a historical figure in the pursuit of learning something new and possibly finding something to share with the fine readers of this site, when I stumbled across what is perhaps my new favorite Wikipedia page: “List of federal political sex scandals in the United States” (note to self – compile a list of all my favorite Wikipedia pages). Let me tell you – it is a FASCINATING list. To start we have the “Definitions” section, in which we embrace President Clinton’s finest moment and define what constitutes sex (“physical activity in which people touch each other’s bodies, kiss each other, etc.” – in doubly good news, I just found out I am NOT a virgin! Happy day for me!) Some you’ll know, but there’s interesting tidbits to add, and others you likely haven’t heard, so let’s investigate some of them!

Thomas Jefferson: You know the one with Sally Hemings, his slave. There is loads of evidence suggesting he did indeed father children with her. The interesting bit comes later when the Thomas Jefferson Heritage Society disputed this and concluded Jefferson’s grandson, Randolph Jefferson, is more likely the father of the children. I like to imagine they are each responsible for some, because there’s nothing better than inter-generational communal fucking. The 18th century was weird as shit.

Andrew Jackson: His wife Rachel Donelson Jackson was previously married to an alcoholic and abusive husband, from whom they both believed she had been officially divorced but he never finished the paperwork. Jackson’s wife was painted as a bigamist, because it was 1791 and we still openly smeared victims of abuse, and she later suffered a nervous collapse and died. Jackson blamed the harassment for her death, which is why he probably was such a huge asshole.

Richard Mentor Johnson: Vice President to Martin Van Buren, this Johnson was also a dick, but his scandal involved him openly carrying a relationship with a slave named Julia Chinn. Being the time period it was, people did not appreciate this. His party bailed on him, but he treated her as a common-law wife and passed his surname to his children, which is very noble of him in lieu of social standards of the time. Less so the part possessing slaves, but hey, half-credit for trying at least.

John Henry Eaton: The Secretary of War “allegedly” had an affair with a married woman, which led her husband to kill himself. Eaton then married the widow, removing any pretext for the “allegedly” in their affair.

James Henry Hammond: An OG pervert. Had a gay relationship with a college friend which he didn’t deny (which was WILD for the early 1800s) and he referred to it as his “little dalliance”, a truly delightful way to refer to past sexual indiscretions. This is not the pervert part. He supposed had more “little dalliances” with his teenage nieces (update – no longer a fun descriptor) as well as relationships with female slaves as young as twelve. Yeesh. This scandal caused him to withdraw his Senate bid in 1843, because the rest of society was not on-board with this level of scumbaggery. He ran again and won in 1857, because everything has always been garbage all the time.

Daniel Webster: A Congressman who had affairs with black women. On it’s own, yawn, but then comes this little quote from a newspaper at the time: “His mistresses are generally, if not always, colored women — some of them big black wenches as ugly and vulgar as himself.” Again – everyone was terrible all the time.

James Buchanan and William Rufus King: One a diplomat and future President, the other a Congressman and future Vice President, allegedly liked to bump parts. Another instance of something relatively benign on its own, but much improved when you learn Andrew Jackson referred to King as “Miss Nancy”. See above where he was a huge asshole.

Grover Cleveland: Had an child out of wedlock. Was a scandal until he owned up to it, which led his Presidential opponents to chant, “Ma, ma, where’s my pa?” during rallies. When Cleveland won, his supporters cheered “Gone to the White House, ha ha ha.” This constitutes as rap beef in 1884.

Warren Harding: The original Donald Trump – self-serving, incompetent and loved to fuck people who he wasn’t married to. Whereas Trump prefers Twitter, Harding preferred poetry, and in a different life, Harding would have written pulpy adult romance novels. He nicknamed his dick “Jerry”, the lamest nickname ever ascribed to a penis — “And Jerry came and will not go, says he loves you, that you are the only, only love worthwhile in all this world, and I must tell you so and a score or more of other fond things he suggests, but I spare you… I fear you would find a fierce enthusiast today.” And “I love you when / You open eyes / And mouth and arms / And cradling thighs” and then “Wouldn’t you like to get sopping wet out on Superior — not the lake”. Harding was a dog.

David I Walsh: Congressman got busted in a male brothel frequented by Nazi spies. The Madlibs of sex scandals.

Styles Bridges and Lester Hunt: The former a Republican and the latter a Democrat, the former threatened to out Hunt’s son as gay unless he resigned, essentially handing over the Senate to the Republicans. Hunt refused, but did not seek re-election, and then shot himself. This whole thing started fun, but this is wildly upsetting.

William O Douglas: Our first Supreme Court Justice! He was married (and then divorced) three separate times, which was a huge scandal in itself, not to mention the fact he was allegedly pursuing other women the whole time. THEN he supposedly tried to molest a flight attendant in his chambers – I’m sure there’s an incredible story in there alone. Congress actually tried to impeach him due to his poor moral character, which failed. Incredible they actually attempted it for what seems like the most innocuous charges so far.

Wilbur Mills: Busted driving absolutely shitfaced with a stripper named Fanne Foxe. Proving America has always been a great nation, was re-elected anyway. Later resigned after being shitfaced again while giving a press conference from Foxe’s dressing room in a burlesque club (seen up top). I’d never heard of Wilbur Mills, but God bless him for living the American dream and resigning in disgrace under the best possible conditions.

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Wayne Hayes: A reporter discovered a woman named Elizabeth Ray was hired as a clerk-secretary despite her only job duty being providing sexual favors. Ray later admitted “I can’t type. I can’t file. I can’t even answer the phone”, which is a pretty effective resignation letter. I looked up pictures of Elizabeth Ray (since this happened in 1976), and while Hayes was a dirtbag, he was a dirtbag with good taste.

Mel Reynolds: Resigned from Congress in 1995 after a conviction for statutory rape. Yikes. He was indicted in 1994 for sexual assault and criminal sexual abuse of a sixteen year old staffer, but continued his campaign which he won. This is not the last time someone was accused of sexual impropriety during a campaign and went on to win. Reynolds originally denied the charges and stated they were racially motivated; less than a year later he was convicted on twelve accounts of sexual assault, obstruction of justice and solicitation of child pornography. No word on whether he got to place the race card back in the deck.

Gary Condit: Had an affair with a twenty-three year old intern that was only exposed after she disappeared, which is about the worst possible way for your affair to leak. The intern’s body was found a year later and an illegal immigrant with no relation was charged with the murder. These got so dark so quick.

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Thomas Evans: Went golfing in Florida with a nude model-lobbyist Paula Parkinson, who described her lobbying techniques as “unusual tactile”, another delicate way of saying they totally fucked. Evan apologized but was voted out of office. Future Veep Dan Quayle was on the golf trip but was absolved of any sexual acts as his wife stated it was common knowledge Quayle would rather play golf than have sex, thus confirming Dan Quayle is an idiot.

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After this, the press really dug into sex scandals, and most are pretty straightforward/gross so lets blow through a few: sex with a sixteen year old girl (thirty days in jail), soliciting sex with a sixteen year old male prostitute (went to rehab), blowing a guy in the Library of Congress (resigned), admitting to a second family and then refusing to provide for them, banging a congressional page (there were a bunch of these), traveling with a model while trying to run for President, touching the leg of a female lobbyist, fixing 33 parking tickets for a male escort, children out of wedlock, getting a nude massage from Miss Virginia (public service has its perks), various accounts of sexual misconduct/harassment, nine individuals speaking out against Clinton’s infidelities while having their own affairs, and various other homosexual affairs by people speaking out against gay rights. This, of course, does not touch on Bill Clinton’s illustrious career as a serial harasser, nor Anthony Weiner, who’s weiner was splashed all over our faces for far too long. They get more explicit and weirder in later years, and I wonder if it is because people are bigger perverts or because this activity is more highly scrutinized than it was it the past. Personally, I think it’s the result of rampant fake news.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 11 in Today I Learned – Project FF

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Did you know the United States **may** have played a heavy-handed role in forcing foreign governments to buckle to their whim, and in some cases causing coup d’etats? I believe we know go with the more forward “regime changes” if I may be so crass. I know I was shocked to hear of such geopolitical hi-jinks, but then was giddy over the specifics of the CIA’s role in Egypt with Project FF.
Let’s set the scene – early 1950’s, Middle East. The United States and Soviet Union have managed to survive WW2 and immediately got to staking influential claims to resource-wealthy or strategically-significant nations around the world; imagine the sexiest and most important game of Risk possible. The US had made headway in Egypt with King Farouk (full name: His Majesty Farouk I, by the grace of God, King of Egypt and the Sudan, Sovereign of Nubia, of Kordofan and of Darfur), who was really trying to make the fez cool despite considerable evidence to the contrary. Farouk was loving the attention and financial support he was getting from the US in this race to woo him and gain access to the Suez Canal, but was dragging his feet in establishing the necessary political reforms like, democracy and human rights, which still weren’t a thing in most of the world.
In the pressure to develop some reform so Egypt could be a reliable democratic partner of the US, the CIA (led by Allen Dulles, brother of John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State of the Eisenhower Administration and thus responsible for the Eisenhower Doctrine wherein the US would protect and prop up democratic nations against the rising communist threat, as well as the namesake for a shitty airport in DC) got pissy by the lack of progress in actual results. They sent in Kermit Roosevelt Jr in to orchestrate Project FF and enact some change.
Kermit Roosevelt was the grandson of Theodore Roosevelt.
Project FF stands for “Project Fat Fucker”.
I have never been more proud to be an American.
So Kermit is in Egypt, fermenting some peaceful change to fight corruption in the dictatorship in order to make this partnership more palatable to the American people. As this project failed to take hold, eventually it evolved into a more, ahem, “forceful” change. Kermit found some dissatisfied officers with a nationalist bend and an urge to please American diplomats/CIA officers (which is all that really mattered anyway). These officers, with a bit of tender love and care from the United States, formed the Free Officers Movement, which ultimately disposed of Farouk and led to the installation of American-fan Gamal Abdel Nassar. Fast forward a few decades, and America’s short-term international plans resulted in long-term disaster, and Nasser became Sadat, Sadat became Hosni Mubarak, who really hated America. Whoops. Sorry all that talk about human rights backfired dramatically.
Kermit was much more than TR’s grandson – he was member of the OSS (the predecessor to the CIA) during WW2, and went on to spurn the Iranian revolution, removing the democratically-elected Mohammad Mossadegh due his Soviet-sympathies to install more American-friendly government, which was then overthrown shortly after in an organic coup that resulted in the Islamic government currently in power that, again, really hates America now. Another whoops. He fought against a CIA-sponsored coup in Guatemala, stating their democratically-elected president had the devotion of the people, and to fight it would be disastrous. For once, some foresight! Nothing bad ever happened in Guatemala again! Until it was overrun by death squads and MS-13. Kermit has a bit of a bad record with his eye for coups.
This is the story of Project Fat Fucker and how the United States rolled the dice on getting its metaphorical dick sucked one night instead waiting for the girl of their dreams. Speaking of sucking dick – King Farouk allegedly loved a good blow job, which is somehow fascinating while being utterly predictable. Look at this guy – OF COURSE he didn’t like to put in the work.
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