Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 11 in Today I Learned – Project FF

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Did you know the United States **may** have played a heavy-handed role in forcing foreign governments to buckle to their whim, and in some cases causing coup d’etats? I believe we know go with the more forward “regime changes” if I may be so crass. I know I was shocked to hear of such geopolitical hi-jinks, but then was giddy over the specifics of the CIA’s role in Egypt with Project FF.
Let’s set the scene – early 1950’s, Middle East. The United States and Soviet Union have managed to survive WW2 and immediately got to staking influential claims to resource-wealthy or strategically-significant nations around the world; imagine the sexiest and most important game of Risk possible. The US had made headway in Egypt with King Farouk (full name: His Majesty Farouk I, by the grace of God, King of Egypt and the Sudan, Sovereign of Nubia, of Kordofan and of Darfur), who was really trying to make the fez cool despite considerable evidence to the contrary. Farouk was loving the attention and financial support he was getting from the US in this race to woo him and gain access to the Suez Canal, but was dragging his feet in establishing the necessary political reforms like, democracy and human rights, which still weren’t a thing in most of the world.
In the pressure to develop some reform so Egypt could be a reliable democratic partner of the US, the CIA (led by Allen Dulles, brother of John Foster Dulles, Secretary of State of the Eisenhower Administration and thus responsible for the Eisenhower Doctrine wherein the US would protect and prop up democratic nations against the rising communist threat, as well as the namesake for a shitty airport in DC) got pissy by the lack of progress in actual results. They sent in Kermit Roosevelt Jr in to orchestrate Project FF and enact some change.
Kermit Roosevelt was the grandson of Theodore Roosevelt.
Project FF stands for “Project Fat Fucker”.
I have never been more proud to be an American.
So Kermit is in Egypt, fermenting some peaceful change to fight corruption in the dictatorship in order to make this partnership more palatable to the American people. As this project failed to take hold, eventually it evolved into a more, ahem, “forceful” change. Kermit found some dissatisfied officers with a nationalist bend and an urge to please American diplomats/CIA officers (which is all that really mattered anyway). These officers, with a bit of tender love and care from the United States, formed the Free Officers Movement, which ultimately disposed of Farouk and led to the installation of American-fan Gamal Abdel Nassar. Fast forward a few decades, and America’s short-term international plans resulted in long-term disaster, and Nasser became Sadat, Sadat became Hosni Mubarak, who really hated America. Whoops. Sorry all that talk about human rights backfired dramatically.
Kermit was much more than TR’s grandson – he was member of the OSS (the predecessor to the CIA) during WW2, and went on to spurn the Iranian revolution, removing the democratically-elected Mohammad Mossadegh due his Soviet-sympathies to install more American-friendly government, which was then overthrown shortly after in an organic coup that resulted in the Islamic government currently in power that, again, really hates America now. Another whoops. He fought against a CIA-sponsored coup in Guatemala, stating their democratically-elected president had the devotion of the people, and to fight it would be disastrous. For once, some foresight! Nothing bad ever happened in Guatemala again! Until it was overrun by death squads and MS-13. Kermit has a bit of a bad record with his eye for coups.
This is the story of Project Fat Fucker and how the United States rolled the dice on getting its metaphorical dick sucked one night instead waiting for the girl of their dreams. Speaking of sucking dick – King Farouk allegedly loved a good blow job, which is somehow fascinating while being utterly predictable. Look at this guy – OF COURSE he didn’t like to put in the work.
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Arch Stanton Guest Post: Swords, Ranked

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Straightforward – which swords should you purchase at the mall for you collection when you aren’t boycotting Star Wars or investigating journalistic ethics in video games? I know, I know – you know all about swords, you have an awesome collection already, and the girl looking at the manga section of the comic store you go to said she was totally impressed already. But if you’re trying to add to that collection before she visits – she’s totally going to come over to check it out, even though she didn’t give you a time… or a date… or her number when you asked for it. But hey, lots of people don’t use phones in 2018. Anyway, starting with the worst:
22. Epee/Foil: That shit those pussies use in the Olympics, where they just stick each other without gashing each other open. If we’re collecting swords, they are to be used for slaughtering those who dare defy you, and spilling their blood on the floor so their comrades know what is destined to befall. No fucking way.
21. Halberd: That shit those dorks in the Swiss Guard use. Long with some little pointy bullshit on the end held by guys who protect the Pope while looking like they dressed themselves with an old circus tent they found in the woods. They’re basically fancy pikemen, and you, sir, are a brilliant leader and not some peasant holding the line for the knights to swoop in and gather all the glory. Nope.
20. Short sword/Gladius: What, do you want everyone to think you have a small dick? You definitely don’t, you have a huge hog, and chicks love it. Big swords only.
19. Battle Axe: Battle axes are for the UNCULTURED who lack discipline and agility. You are serious about your swordwork, and not some boorish savage. Even if battle axes are sometimes cool, they are not suitable for a collection.
18. Switchblade: Is this the fucking “West Side Story”? No.
17. Mace: A short handle with a spiked-ball or similarly violent end. Again – used by brutes who lack your technical flair and rely on strength alone. You prefer a healthy blend of finesse coupled with your raw power. Scores points for its visual panache, but isn’t **technically** a sword.
16. Butcher knife: Are you a plebeian who’s trying to become a Victorian serial killer? No butcher knife, despite it’s pragmatic uses for cutting up your Red Barron frozen pizzas.
15. Machete: A most practical blade, but not an effective weapon to flaunt. Unless you plan on trailblazing a path for the Panama Canal, it shouldn’t be included in your set.
14. Rapier/Jian/Estoc: Long and thin with an ornate handle. A bit delicate and lacking the flare or extravagance necessary to really draw an eye during a full collection, but a fellow sophisticate will appreciate the intricacy. Sigh, no one shares your eye for detail.
13. Scimitar: A mid-length curved blade; bears a striking resemblance to your penis. Arabic in origin, so a bit… ethnic… for a truly refined gentleman’s collection.
Okay they’re pretty cool. You should consider one.
12. Dagger: Utilized by bandits, thieves and the uncultivated lacking in the refined class you and your fellow swordsmen’s possess. That said, they are an effective weapon in close quarters, and can be ornately decorated and used as a type of family heirloom. Your future children will appreciate your sentimentality and investment.
11. Arakh: What the Dothraki arm themselves with in the “Game of Thrones”‘ universe. Excuse me – what the Dorthraki use as they control the Dothraki Sea across the central region of Essos in the “A Song of Ice and Fire” universe. A topical piece, but a good conversation starter for the novice attempting to foray into blade collections. Maybe not the center piece, but since HBO and all these RECREATIONAL nerds ruined “A Song of Fire and Ice”, you should consider one despite being extremely blase and mainstream now.
10. Swordstaff: A long handle with a short blade – basically a staff with a short sword on the end. Allows for more intricacy or more personalization, so it depends on what you get on your swordstaff. I will rank this somewhere in the middle without a specific design placed before me.
9. Broadsword: In the same vein as the arakh, a broadsword is just so… common. Yes, it’s is what the non-bladed community think of when they think of “swords”, but as far as swords go, its pretty straightforward – big handle, big blade, big guard. You can spice it up any number of ways, but the premise remains the same. A word to the uninitiated – a broadsword may be cumbersome to the novice, so think twice before demanding satisfaction by way of a duel. Many have been defeated in their trials by combat not due to the cunning of an enemy, but due to the heft of their own weapon of choice. You have learned your lesson the hard way after demanding a duel after that guy at the gas station said the Marvel universe was inferior to the DC universe, and you were too slow to unsheathe your broadsword before he punched you in the face. The bruise has faded, but the shame of your defeat lingers still.
8. Bat’leth: A blade held by noble Klingon warriors. Looks like of like a new-age boomerang, sent from the future to murder you. Obviously a practical weapon for only the most refined swordsmen who also is well-versed in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 or Voyager, and not the TRIPE dumped out by Paramount recently. Everyone knows all about the honorable boycott of the Disney Star Wars movies, but where is the outrage for the despicable treatment of Captain Kirk and the USS Enterprise?!? I know Paramount has seen my vlogs listing my complaints and requirements for going forward, as I have sent it to every publicly available email address affiliated with the company. THEY SHALL KNOW OUR WRAITH!
7. Cutlass: Normally wielded by pirates, so it conveys a bit of roguish swagger. You are, after all, quite a swashbuckler as demonstrated by that incredible gambit you pulled at the Magic: The Gathering tournament the other week. You lured the enemy into playing his Loaming Shaman to counter your Grave Titan, knowing you had your Cryptbreaker in the wings to clinch the match. What an ignoramus! Yes, you are quite the rogue, but an honorable one, like Han Solo and not some low-class bandit.
6. Narsil/Anduril: From “Lord of the Rings”, so by default awesome. Whereas “A Song of Fire and Ice” tries to dignify the lower classes by bestowing them honor despite a lack of nobility or formal training, “Lord of the Rings” operates in a more mature and cosmopolitan universe, with better swords to boot. ‘Valyrian steel’ – pssh, how banal, how trite! Now a sword forged by Dwarvish masters and passed through generations of kings-warriors? Much more dignified. Picking up your Cookie Crisp and Hot Pockets at the grocery store with one of these across your shoulders, and a tip of your trillby, why, you could win any lass!
5. Warhammer: Remember all that shit about battle axes or maces being for the unrefined oafs of the battlefield? That does not apply to warhammers. It’s a hammer, but bigger, and used for WAR. I’m sorry, it’s fucking cool as shit, and anyone who disagrees is being deliberately obtuse. I may be a dagger devotee, but I know magnificence when I see it. Get yourself a warhammer.
4. Sabre: Maintained by military commanders, either leading cavalry by horseback or directing a battalion of tanks from the rear, gesturing grandly with your sabre. A sword befitting of your status. With one of these, you are suddenly a contender for any promotion and propelled into the aristocratic class. Yes, manga girl will be fawning over you once she sees your sabre in its scabbard, and once you unsheathe it, well. she shall be a fair maiden no longer, if you catch my drift.
3. Lightsaber: Duh. Only if it’s a red or blue one from the originals, and none of this bullshit double-ended or purple ones from the prequels, but you knew that. My mother even knows this, and she doesn’t even know the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars despite my insistence on making her watching them multiple times. Essential to a complete collection.
2. Falchion: Like the one Cloud Strife has in Final Fantasy. Some would say “comically oversized” or “physically impossible to use in an actual fight”, but these imbeciles wouldn’t know splendor if it rained maximum damage plus bleed damage upon their under-formed craniums. The most dazzling of swords, and only for use by a true master capable of combining its heft with speed and strength.
1. Katana: You knew this was where we were heading. The finest swords available. Designed to augment your already supreme dexterity, and so sharp you use it trim your goatee, like a true gentleman. When first beginning your training with a high-end katana, be careful to not slice open your cargo pockets – I lost a load of Pizza Rolls this way. A katana is an efficient way to enlarge your vigor and masculine magnetism. Yes, manga girl will not be able to resist your awe-inspiring training maneuvers, and you shall soon enjoin your Tumblrs to make the finest fanpages known to the internet, all because of your finely-tuned katana.

Song of the Day (7/10/2018)

I just tore ass on the train and it smells like something heinous. People around me are cringing and disturbed paranoia and frantic confusion have gripped my end of the car with a swift vigor matched only by the violent shifts somewhere between my anus and small intestines. Fortunately, the good people at my hotel have my back(side) covered:

Happy Fourth of July!!! May Reagan bless your feast and affairs. Today’s song of the day is YOLO by The Lonely Island featuring Adam Levine and Kendrick Lamar.

I was near President Reagan’s hometown last week before the Fourth:

While many people will tell you that Dixon, IL is a dump best left to the pages of history, I’m not so sure. In fact, like my friend, the SpoiledBBW, Dixon is beautiful…gorgeous…unique…she fine!

Oh, and before I forget to remember, you all need to go out and read When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi. Fucking great read and outlook on life and immortality. Read it last week and it’s quick. I also read The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin. Awful. I wouldn’t touch it with SpoiledBBW’s ten foot titty dildo.

Reagan bless this day.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 10 in Today I Learned: Capture of Guam

History is littered with an array of battles and wars that seem impossibly stupid – the Pig War between the United States and the United Kingdom, the Australian Emu War, the War of Jenkin’s Ear between Britain and Spain, the Fourth Crusade where Christian crusaders sacked their own cities, the Battle of New Orleans between the United States and British after the war had concluded, the Battle of Karansebes where the Austrian army attacked itself, the Battle of Castle Itter, an unnamed battle where the Austrian army ended up with more men then when they started, the Falklands War, and any battle the Italians ever fought. I could (and may still!) write about all of them, but for my money, the Battle/Capture of Guam stands alone as a particularly baffling moment in history that ultimately is the reason the United States still maintains the tiny territory of Guam despite being situated in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The year was 1898 and the United States was at war with the Spanish for truly hazy reasons that even Donald Rumsfeld would consider flimsy. If you aren’t familiar, American battleship USS Maine was sunk in the Havana, Cuba port, then under control of the Spanish during the Cuban revolution, which was very intriguing to American politicians at the time as a possible future imperial conquest. The Maine was sunk under questionable circumstances, and resulted in the chant “Remember the Maine!”, which is ironic because no one remembers Maine. American politicians used this opportunity to push for war with Spain, because it’d been a minute and America was hankering for some casual warfare, still decades prior to the rise of the military industrial complex.
Despite being a war essentially about the liberation of Cuba/acquisition of Cuba by America, most of the clashes occurred in the Philippines, because why would forces battle in the territory they were actually squabbling over? While sparring in the Philippine islands, the US Navy sent the USS Charleston to lay siege to the island of Guam, a tiny little island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean under Spanish rule since 1668, obviously of critical military importance (note – there was probably some military importance, but as we’ll see, no one really recognized it). Captain Henry Glass prepared his ship for battle, expecting over a thousand combatants dug in for defense and familiar with the terrain only to show up and see a Japanese trading ship and no Spanish ships; records note the sailors were “disappointed” in the lack of ships to engage. Guys in the 19th century were far ballsier than I am.
Residents of the island showed up on the ports and beaches to see the ship, because there was no internet and they live in goddamn Guam so what else are they going to do besides look at a ship. The USS Charleston, in order to make it’s intentions known, fired upon a Spanish fortress, resulting in no damage. The residents figured the ship was saluting them and, seeing as how they had absolutely no artillery, scrambled to find something to blow up in return (note – you are free, nah, ENCOURAGED to blow things up whenever I arrive somewhere). During this time, the biggest merchant, a local surgeon and the port captain boarded a ship to welcome the US to their shores, only to find out they were under attack, and now prisoners of war after accidentally sharing the tiny bit of knowledge slip that they had no defenses at all. In fact, Guam had no idea Spain was at war with anyone, let alone the US. Who knew being a seagull shit splattered rock in the middle of the ocean was prohibitive to keeping abreast of international affairs in 1898?
If this couldn’t be a stupider affair, the boat supplied by the merchant to parlay? Owned by Francisco Portusach, an American, and flying the American flag on his way to the USS Charleston. Upon a skeptical discussion with the crew ultimately resolved once a reporter on the Charleston recognized Portusach, the American was released to bring Guam’s governor aboard for surrender. After returning ashore, a letter for Portusach was waiting from the governor saying. “If you give any assistance to the American men of war, you will be executed tomorrow morning on the beach”, to which Portusach allegedly giggled.
The next morning, Portusach was NOT executed, but instead, installed as the new, AMERICAN governor of Guam after the Spanish governor surrendered once Captain Glass realized there was no one else around who could be installed on behalf of the Americans to maintain the island. The USS Charleston hung out in Guam for roughly a day and a half, curious as what the next step for the island was as they expected to do more than wait patiently for the governor to surrender. They sought to dismantle the fortress they had originally fired upon, only to realize it was so far into disrepair it wasn’t worth the hassle. The Americans, dejected with victory, left Portusach in charge of the island and returned to the Philippines for some actual killin’.
And that’s how Guam became a US territory. During a war in which none of the residents were aware of, the Americans fired upon (and missed) a Spanish fortress which the citizens cheered as though they were watching fireworks, accidentally surrendering upon revealing there were no defenses anywhere on the island, and left an American expatriate merchant in charge after realizing they had no one else around. Fun Fact! Portusach was quickly overthrown by a Filipino Spaniard, who was quickly overthrown by the native population, resulting in the Americans being forced to return in order to restore their rule. It’s only suitable the stupidest American territory became such by the stupidest means possible.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 9 in Today I Learned – the Finland Conspiracy

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Do you ever get tired of the same old conspiracy theories? I think people just got tired of trying to convince normal people we never landed on the moon or that 9/11 was an inside job, and that’s how we ended up with a new brand of asshole who thinks the earth is flat. Personally, I’m onto newer and edgier things like the Sun is actually cold (I swear this is real, you can look it up) and, a personal favorite, Finland does not exist.
Before we get into the details/I blow your mind – name one thing you know about Finland. I have nothing. I know it’s somewhere in Scandinavia near Sweden and Norway, but I have no idea which is which, and I think I once read something about how they were trying a universal basic income that was failing dramatically. The point is – you don’t know SHIT about Finland. Don’t be embarrassed, because it doesn’t actually exist. Not in the sense that there isn’t a Finnish government, but more in the sense the land we identify as Finland is open ocean.
This FACT was first brought to us from the most reputable of sources, Reddit, from a delightful thread about the weirdest things your parents taught you as a kid (truly worth a read: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/2qjohv/what_did_your_parents_show_you_to_do_that_you/cn6pn30/). A poster unspooled a thread about how his parents casually broke the news to him about how Finland was concocted by the Russians and Japanese during the Cold War. Unrelated to the theory, but I would LOVE to meet this guy’s parents. The theory goes that the growth of environmentalism and preserving the earth and all that hippie bullshit pushed the USSR and Japan into adding onto their already numerous secret alliances dealing with fishing rights among other economic concerns dating back to 1925. Consider: Japan and USSR had almost no direct conflicts during WWII despite being so geographically close, Japan signed a peace treaty with the USSR just months prior to Germany declaring war on the USSR, and how great their relations were despite stark ideological differences in the Cold War. During the final days of the USSR, Gorbachev made frequent trips to Japan and remarked how their relations continued to improve despite their rapidly declining standing with the rest of the world. (“Twilight Zone” theme song plays).
These two countries had always looked out for each other because they were fishing the region of the ocean between Sweden and Russia. The theory posits the Japanese were free to ignore all fishing limits or regulations in this area because, ya know, no one knew it existed, and the Russians benefited from receiving a part of the fish while the Japanese returned the rest to their homeland because obviously Japan is starved of fish given its geographical location in the middle of the ocean. In fact, the Trans-Siberian railway was built in order to expedite the transport of fish across Russia and back to Japan. Wouldn’t other nations notice thousands of trains full of fish going back and forth across Russia? One step ahead of you – the company Nokia – yes, the phones you had in high school – is actually a faux Finnish company that ships all of its products to Japan in order to cover their tracks.
This is all patently insane right? But don’t worry, we have answers to your concerns. Helsinki is a massively and internationally respected city, but it is merely located in eastern Sweden. What about all the Finnish people and” culture”, whatever that may entail? They exist and are real, but they are really just a cluster of small towns and enclaves along the eastern Swedish border, the western edges of Russia or northern Estonia. But c’mon, if you fly there you would certainly notice ocean where land should be? BUT WOULD YOU? YOU WOULDN’T NOTICE BECAUSE IT’S ALL THE SAME AND FINLAND IS BASICALLY FOREST SO WHO COULD EVER REFUTE THIS? GPS and satellite imaging, all faked, duh. Pilots and astronauts are all in on it as well. Let’s go even further and examine the name “Finland” – since this is a libertarian fisher’s dream, the “fin” is for fish fin, get it?  This conspiracy has been so deeply rooted it has been propagated by children’s movies like “D2: the Mighty Ducks”. Guys, the Finnish Flash was really just the Swedish Flash.
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Unlike every other conspiracy you read on the internet, this one has the most plausible reasoning (note – “most plausible” does not equal “actually” plausible). OF COURSE other nations have noticed this glaring omission of terra firma, but they originally held this in their back pocket as a bargaining chip. What you would bargain for with this information, I have no guesses, but eventually other countries used the concept of Finland as something to aspire to. You see, Finland consistently rates highly in education, healthcare, gender equality, literacy rates, stability, least corruption, individual freedoms, etc, and this can ONLY be because other countries want to inspire their own people to improve. I don’t think Finland’s literacy rate has inspired me to be a better citizen, but that must mean the conspiracy has rooted itself deeply in my subconscious. To quote directly from the Reddit page “No country in the world can possibly be that good.” Well, when you put it like that, that’s just irrefutable. Finland is the country equivalent of the girl you made out with at a party with last weekend who was a model, but she went to a different high school and you wouldn’t know her guys, definitely don’t look her up online. Finland is actually an ocean, because that is more believable than a small population has wholeheartedly bought into free market capitalism with high social safety nets.
I swear this is a real conspiracy with actual constituents. There are people who legitimately believe Finland was faked by the Soviets and Japanese, and the rest of the world went along with it because, fuck it, why not? The Nokia phone you had in high school was actually made of fish. The good news is the subreddit also operates as a support group for Finnish people going through the trauma of realizing their entire existence is a Soviet lie. Here we should consider Poe’s Law, which states “it is impossible to create a parody of extreme views so obviously exaggerated that it cannot be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of the parodied views.” This is a real theory that has been parroted on multiple sites, and I have no idea if it is something people sincerely believe in, but I know I will tell the next (or the first) Finnish person I meet to suck my dick because their existence is a lie.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 8 in Today I Learned – Phantom Time Hypothesis

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Do you ever get pangs of regret? After many posts here, I sure do, be it embarrassing anecdotes that could have gone without being shared or the gratuitous typos or grammatical errors. Just come to embrace the fact I will never do anything to fix the latter and will ignorantly continue to subject myself to the former. The good news about any regret you feel, whether it be dating someone for too long, your choice of school or career, a costly purchase that has altered your financial well-being, or maybe just your choice of attire from high school, is it hasn’t happened yet as it is actually the year 1721.
That’s not technically true. You will be forever burdened by your shame, it will be the albatross around your conscious that keeps you awake a night staring at the spot on the ceiling above your bed wondering, “how could I have not knocked before walking in on my coworker in the bathroom.” But it is 1721, according to the phantom time hypothesis. In 1991, historian Heribert Illig proposed a bulk of the Middle Ages (specifically, 614 AD to 911 AD) never happened. This theory/conspiracy alleges that Pope Sylvester II and Holy Roman Emperor Otto III thought it would be way cooler to say they ruled their respective thrones during 1000 AD rather than whenever the hell in the mid 7th century. Consider the situation – these are two of the most powerful men in Europe, only like six people can read, so… they can pretty much say it’s whatever year they want because their cronies will back them regardless.
How the hell did this guy determine this? The theory presupposes that there is a significant lack of historical evidence (confirmed written documentation and archaeological remains confirmed by dating methods) from this time period, and a miscalculation during the conversion from the Gregorian calendar to the modern Julian calendar “conveniently” lopped off 297 years. But what about all the documentation we DO have from this time period? This theory leans on the proposition that Charlemagne, the biggest figure from this period, and his entire dynasty was completed fabricated merely because two dorks wanted to rule during the first millennium. This guy says Charlemagne was basically King Arthur, which seems like a big leap of faith.
This theory is widely disputed (which is the kindest way to say no one actually accepts this as true) with historians pointing to thousands of documents that were confirmed to exist during this period as well as historical cross referencing and record keeping from other parts of the world that confirm events during this period. The idea that because only like a dozen people across the globe could read because the rest were busy slapping mud together for their hovels or murdering each other over inconsequential differences in religion, someone could just add a few centuries to the year, because time is an artificial construct that has no true value, and everything we know is built upon a premise of poorly understood and loosely verified information. The year is a completely arbitrarily chosen number if you’re any religion other than a derivation of Christian and how did people refer to time period to Jesus being around?
“Hey Ibrahim, what year is it?”
“It’s 770 BC”
“What’s the ‘BC’ stand for?”
“Before Christ”
“Before who?”
“Fuck if I know. Let’s get back to murdering some religious minorities because it’s still Greek antiquity and that’s what we do now.”
Anyway, enjoy the notion everything you know is founded on nothing you can personally validate!

Song of the Day (6/25/2018)

Hey girl! I was ass-deep in my dryer this weekend, attempting to unfuck the heating element when Alone by Heart came on the speakers. I proceeding to listen to it three more times following that initial orgasm. It’s super catchy so be careful, broheims. Speaking of ass-deep, I have to share a visual shared with me by Mr. Arch Stanton. To quote his oft-majestic prose, my ass has gotten hairy. It’s like someone hid a toupee between two couch cushions. Which reminds me, I need to give my coworker his scissors back.

Many of you know I’m a fan of hot foods. You also know I’m a fan of and quadrennial voter for John Wayne. Without further ado:

Do you like Louisiana style hot sauce? Love the heavy-on-the-vinegar taste? Pick up a bottle of this stuff. Delicious, not at all hot, and goes well on everything other than eggs and breakfast food (better left to Chalula):

Like fire Cheetos? Hot and spicy empty carbs? Don’t let the following name scare you, it’s spicy but not as hot as you’d expect:

And finally, for my fellow Wayne Eastwood 2020 voters, I ordered the fuck out of this over the weekend:

And finally, are you a fan of porn? Do you have a favorite website name? Not site, not genre, not tube aggregator, but site name? Currently, I’m digging:

Without ever visiting the site, you know EXACTLY what you’re getting here. That’s effective, high impact marketing. Doesn’t get much more black and white than that. Speaking of inherently knowing something without explicit details:

I don’t know what language that is (I think it’s French), but I again feel like I know EXACTLY what he saying. It’s inspiring how you don’t need to speak the same language to connect and find love. And in Bill Cosby’s case, they don’t need to speak at all. That one may have gone a bit too far. A tough pill to swallow for you SJW types…but like Bill Cosby, I’ll still verbally dress you down. GOOOOT ‘EM!