OMG! Asians are Disadvantaged at Harvard?!?

Stop the presses. SHUT DOWN THE MACHIIIIIIINES!!!!

What the fuck just happened and how is this now news? Fortunately, your author and Individual Liberties Justice Warrior is here to clear the air. Let me explain something very fucking clearly for you SJWs. Put down your pastel-colored knitted scarves and shake off your fair trade hemp sandals because this is going to be jarring:

AFFIRMATIVE ACTION IN THE WORKPLACE AND ON CAMPUS IS EFFECTIVELY A ZERO SUM GAME. Wooooooooooo-aahhh! Shocking, right? All these Asians and SJWs are now up in arms about this news from the DOJ. I ask you: WHAT ABOUT AFFIRMATIVE ACTION?!? For years, decades, scores, Harvard, Goldman Sachs, and every other institution of any merit has disadvantaged white people for the benefit of non-white people. SHOCKING! But now that non-whites are being institutionally disadvantaged, well, it’s time to throw a massive shit fit and “take it to the streets.”

Jesus, guys. I don’t really care if you support affirmative action or not. But these SJWs warriors can’t pick winner and losers out of some self-ascribed moral high ground. The hypocrisy is disgusting. Amazing that people aren’t making the parallel between this DOJ story and affirmative action.

Sorry to bum you guys out. Here’s some jingoism that’ll put the tingle back in your jones:

‘Merica, motherfuckers. Sorry for the rant. I feel this immense urge to break my dick on the backs of these hypocrites. (SPOILER ALERT: your author is male)

What can I say? As the world’s first ILJW, I believe in rugged individualism. That’s why I voted for Faith Spotted Eagle. I really identified with her foreign policy platform and bold economic plan.

Let’s put the merit back in meritocracy, folks.

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F SJWs, I’m an ILJW

HEAR YE, HEAR YE.  My body and mind grow weak with the boatload of politically correct rainbows and unicorns shit to which we’ve been subjected for too long.  Today, I announce that I’ll be the first rat down the anchor line.  To quote Rooster Cogburn, “I bow out.”  I guess there’s nothing left to do but claim my own faction within the Tea Partay.  Here and now, I’m coining the phrase: Individual Liberty Justice Warrior.  Write that down.  I’m here to halt the phony baloney nonsense, pack it up, and ship that shit back to Berkeley where it belongs, oozing it’s unproductive juices into the bay.  OH!  Speaking of the gay bay, big news in Tim Cook’s Apple:

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First things first, you just know that Tim Cook heard “bull” and is already planning on how he and his team can get caught with their pants down around their legs on this partnership.  Second things second, you just know that once Tim Cook gets his hands on Tesla, the market for novelty penis stick shifts is going to take off.  Speaking of which, how ballin is this:

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If Mr. Cook were to identify with one particular variety of Apple, which would it be?  I’m guessing there would be a special place in his heart for Spartan apples but what about Bloody Ploughman apples?  Or Cockpit Improved apples?  He definitely wouldn’t go for the Pink Sparkle apples.  Maybe the Pixie Crunch variety?  Or the Queen Cox apple or Bundy’s Ringwood apple.  Or the Lord Hindlip.  He’s gay.  You get it.

I should probably bounce but wanted to share some neat resources with my reader.  This website (https://www.thebalance.com/what-is-the-fed-dot-plot-416891) has some great stuff for people dipping their toes in finance.  The background on the Fed dot plot is helpful but there are other articles that are similarly interesting and educational.

Thinking of investing in TSLA or buying one of their sweet rides?  Check out this article titled “Wall Street analysts tore down a Tesla Model 3 and found ‘significant fit & finish issues’ (TSLA)” from Business Insider first.  That shit is a little disconcerting.

I’m getting lazy.  This post was originally intended to be about something else entirely but I thought-masturbated the ILJW concept into existence this evening and had to share it with the world.  Stay hungry, hombres.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 19 in Today I Learned – Timothy Dexter

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I am sure you know someone in your life who is an idiot – not just a standard, run-of-the-mill idiot, but a truly world-class idiot who things just magically work out for regardless of their ineptitude. Oh, did you go to class and take notes and study and take practice exams, while this person showed up hungover (when they even bothered to show up) and didn’t study at all and still swung a better grade than you? Fuck that guy. This incredibly fortunate dipshit who had everything break their way would look at Timothy Dexter and be outright insulted by his good fortunate resulting from absolutely nothing of his own doing.

Timmy Dexter was born in 1747 in Massachusetts to parents who had emigrated from Ireland; in other words, Dexter was dirt poor and poorly educated, dropping out of eight grade. Before doing anything in his own life, he had a number of strikes against him – a poor Irish-American prior to the Revolutionary War of low birth. Shockingly, this was not as inhibitory as you may have expected. Dexter worked as a leather-working apprentice in South Carolina before schmoozing his way into a wealthy Massachusetts widow’s pants who was nine years his senior with four kids. Dexter knew enough to buy when demand was low – this will be a recurring thread.

While not playing much a role during the Revolutionary War (COWARD!), he spent thousands of dollars on heretofore worthless Continental currency. Fortunately for him, Congress moved shortly after to confirm this currency as the American dollar. Suddenly, Dexter had moved from upper-middle class to exorbitantly wealthy with a blind stroke of luck. A bit of backstory here – as an uneducated Irishman, the existing upper class did not approve of this idiot crashing their parties and acting as an equal. One source cited Bostonian elites wanting to bankrupt him by turning him on to the Continental currency which they were certain had no future. Obviously, this backfired because this is the luckiest idiot in the history of the planet.

Now an extremely wealthy, as well as an extremely new member of high society, Dexter could not be as easily boxed out. This did not stop other, better-educated and more knowledgeable members of the bourgeois from fucking with him endlessly. He was pressured/tricked into shipping bedpans to the West Indies – the elites thought this was hilarious, as the West Indies were full of detestable savages who shit in the streets. Joke’s on those assholes, because bedpans were in huge demand by local high-class ladies. Dexter made a killing on this joke. In a similar vein, some other jokers told him he should sell gloves to the South Sea/Polynesia islands – the joke being they’re all poor and disgusting and would never use gloves! Hilarious! Turns out, merchants crossing the Pacific Ocean bought them en masse to turn around and sell to the Chinese, who LOVED gloves.

You read the header – you know this is only the start. A common parlance of the era was ‘shipping cats to the Indies’ for irresponsible behavior, because the Indies were overwhelmed with stray cats at the time. Spoiler – Dexter heard this and thought ‘that seems like a great idea’. This rich asshole ran around Boston alleyways collecting stray cats, which he promptly dumped onto a southbound ship and marketed as a solution to widespread rat infestation. He sold BOATLOADS of stray cats to islands already filled with cats because he was clever enough to market them as a solution to rats. I always used to shit on marketing majors, but if they have a fraction of the guile of Timothy Dexter, then the insurmountable student loan debt will be worth it.

Is three instances of dumb luck enough to prove a point? Because there’s one more, and it’s a real doozy. In keeping with the ‘saying of the time used to illustrate a fruitless action’, Dexter latched on to “shipping coal to Newcastle”. This was not just a saying at the time, but one that has persisted across generations of Brits to demonstrate the pointlessness of an action due to Newcastle’s widespread fame as a economic powerhouse solely because of it’s ability to churn out coal to supply its factors as well as factories around the rest of England AND the colonies. Newcastle turned out coal like a minor US Senator turns out female summer interns. People everywhere laughed at what a remarkable idiot he was, and were excited to watch what would certainly be his final downfall. Somewhere between the bottles of champagne being popped, but before the cheers, Newcastle coal miners went on strike. Dexter sold his coal to the coal-producing capital of the world for a premium multiple times over.

Dexter, having made a fortunate at exporting the most useless shit on the planet to corners of the world were no one wanted it until they immediately did, decided to turn his attention elsewhere. He was going to publish a book! Remember when I said he dropped out of eight grade? This book was SHIT. The book, titled “A Pickle for the Knowing Ones”, was 8,847 (mostly misspelled) words, almost entirely without punctuation and entirely random capitalization, and included divergent tirades about how much Dexter hated his local politicians and clergy, as well as his wife. Who would want to read this bullshit? EVERYONE apparently. It got eight reprintings, with one addressing the concerns of a lack of punctuation with an addendum full of nothing but commas and periods with a note that readers could distribute them as they please. It’s like the exact opposite of reading my writing.

In his newfound fame, he developed a habit of bringing mistresses to the home he shared with his wife. When his wife, understandably outraged, would scream and yell at him, he would tell his new mistress to ignore her, as it was only the ghost of his ex-wife haunting his bachelor pad. I have never been more divided over “the greatest thing I have ever heard” or “the worst thing you could do to a spouse short of OJ Simpson”. Before long, Dexter was convinced most of his friends were around only because he was wealthy, and decided to fake his death, as one does when they wish to test the loyalty of their friends. Three thousand people showed up to the fake wake, which was immediately spoiled after he stormed out of the back of the hall to cane his wife for not crying hard enough. Gee, why wouldn’t she be upset that her shit-ass husband was dead. I believe this also settles the “awesome or horrible” debacle addressed earlier.

One critic had his disgust with the entire Timothy Dexter experience quoted as. “For what purpose are riches given to some men unless to display in more glowing colours the disgusting deformities of their Characters?”, but that guy still had no idea what was coming. Did you think we were done? Can you believe someone could be even more ridiculous then everything you had already read above? Because this is Timothy Dexter we’re talking about here. Despite the American revolution successfully seceding from the British and monarchy, he anointed himself a Lord. He bought an enormous palace which he covered in statutes of great men like George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Napoleon, Louis XVI, John Hancock, William Pitt, and, uhhh… himself. You’d think this was bold, but really these other guys were fortunate to be merely associated with a man whose placard read “I am the first in the East, the first in the West, and the greatest philosopher in the Western World”. You think you’ve seen luck go to someone’s head, but you will never make the mistake again after learning about Timothy Dexter, the man even myth couldn’t exaggerate.

Song of the Day (8/28/2018)

Salaam and good evening to you. I’m gonna pull on your coat with a good one today – it’s Ramblin’ Man by The Allman Brothers Band. Super catchy. Now, some delicious food and disgusting drink to whet your whistle:

I tried the pizza chips…they tasted like pizza. Still waiting to dive into the jalapeño pooper chips. As for the drink, I doubt I’ll ever be willing to try that shit after slamming Four Lokos so many years ago (back during the original formula).

Also! Meet the new CEO of Ben and Jerry’s. He’s exactly what you’d expect…if you assumed that Ben and Jerry’s is some socially conscious, left leaning social justice warrior and didn’t know that it’s actually owned by Unilever, which has been polluting the world with its rapacious, win at any cost brand of capitalism since you slid out of your mammy’s ass. Well, here’s your new boy:

Oh shit! Is he going to get me for libel? He’s probably sitting there, reading my blog, thinking “I need to sue.” He wouldn’t be the only one…

And finally, this was forwarded to me by the baddest of bad hombres:

And truly finally. Did Columbus have a first mate named “Indigenous Peoples?”

Tuesday’s with the Disillusioned Dilettante. Write that down.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 18 in Today I Learned – the Madagascar Plan

In June of 1940, Nazi Germany was kicking about Europe, just being a real group of assholes, as they were wont to do. As big a group of assholes they were, they had not yet evolved into their final asshole form – they were still the Charmeleon to the Charizard of terrible they would soon become. They were “reincorporating” surrounding nations, with France on the immediate horizon, but still had this issue with the Jews. They were EVERYWHERE, with prior efforts to force them to emigrate not taking hold as they had wished (many European Jews interpreted the Nazis’ hostile actions through Kristallnacht and programs encouraging them to leave as a sign they should leave, but many other stayed). Enter: the Madagascar Plan, where the Nazis would shove all the Jews onto boats and ship them to Madagascar.

(I apologize if this all seems too flippant for a truly atrocious period in human history, but I am trying to keep this as light as possible while avoiding being contemptuous, because I think this is an interesting wrinkle of history not many people are familiar with.)

The Nazis were manhandling the French, as everyone in history tends to (excluding all those years Napoleon fought the entire world and won), but the Nazi domestic leaders didn’t know what to with all these Jewish people they had been accumulating as they romped around the continent. Obviously, they couldn’t just STAY, because they were the root of all evil in the world, but they also were not embracing the opportunity to leave as they had hoped (estimates suggest roughly 250,000 of Germany’s 437,000 Jews had voluntarily left by 1939), when one of the heads of the German Foreign Office, Franz Rademacher, figured, ‘hey, the French have this huge tropical island we could drop all of them off at!’ This would get rid of the Jews, plus give them a beautiful tropical island all to themselves. I like to imagine Rademacher figured all these people who had lived in Europe for generations as cobblers or grocers being plotted in the middle of a jungle would lead to a whole bunch of wacky sitcom-esque hi-jinks with monkeys – think Gilligan’s Island but everyone is the Professor.

This would not be the case. Madagascar is a relatively inhospitable territory still today, so you can imagine what it was like in 1940. Yes, France had colonized it, but really only because Africa was treated like one of those game show cash boxes where a fan whips loose bills around – you just grabbed what you could regardless of the practicality or actual use. So Madagascar – useless, remote and inhospitable, with barren lands where the Nazis figured the Jewish population would succumb eventually to the brutal conditions anyway, all of this governed as a police state under the SS. So… the Nazis didn’t originally want to outright kill Jews, but was totally cool if they just, ya know, happened to die.

As of August 15, 1940, this plan was a go, with Adolf Eichmann calling for one million Jews per year for the next four years be relocated to Madagascar. Giving the eventual alternative, this could be confused as a humane alternative, but if we look closer, German experts estimated that – at best – 7,000 families could be reasonably accommodated on the vastly underdeveloped island, with many others stating 500 families was the best the Nazis could reasonable expect to live there. So this was not quite as benevolent as it originally seemed once you realize they were no longer okay if Jewish prisoners died, but were actively banking on the fact most would perish in order to make room for others.

How did this plan get so close to fruition and then fall apart? Reports suggest that this plan was considered so certain, construction of Polish ghettos were ceased nationwide. Germany had very few ships to spare for a long trip to the African coast, which was implausible due to the British blockade placing them essentially on lock-down. The Nazis figured, once they repossessed Madagascar from France, they would be on to hammering Britain into submission, relieving them of the blockade as well as supplying them with suitable merchant ships. Once they began to struggle against Britain, the Nazis turned for help to Soviet Foreign Minister Ribbentrop, who had originally endorsed the idea and agreed to ship Russian Jews as well to the island, but ignored the plea to help by lending ships.

The Nazis had kept the Jews imprisoned in ghettos around Poland, but figured they could be shipped to Siberia after they flipped the script on the Soviets and conquered them. If you’re rusty on your World War II history, England did not succumb to the Nazis, and Russia turned out to be a bit more of a dilemma than anticipated. Within a year, the Madagascar Plan was discarded and the Holocaust had began shortly after.

Lest we end on the most distressing of terms, let’s consider had this worked out. Not the Nazi resettlement plan, which was essentially a death sentence, but one of the earlier plans to do so (German and Polish Jews had independently investigated the legitimacy of relocating and establishing a Jewish state in 1885 and 1937, respectively). Had a fair number of Jewish families been permitted to settle without the existential threat of a police state that would just as prefer them dead, imagine if Madagascar had been used instead of modern-day Israel as a designated Jewish state.

Geographically, Madagascar is 226.6k square miles whereas Israel is 8.5k square miles if we include the disputed West Bank, and provides far more available natural resources like chromite, coal, salt and bauxite in addition to an expansive fishing and ocean shipping industry rather than a relatively small reserve of crude oil in Israel (sorry if this feels like a seventh grade social studies class). The Jewish population would likely have resisted this alien terrain seeing as how their religious beliefs lay just as significant a claim to Jerusalem and the region as do modern day Palestinians. Without really diving into that whole thing, we would probably STILL talk about a one- or two-state solution in Israel, albeit without nearly the intensity we currently do. The Jewish stereotype of well-educated white collar families would be likely be replaced with Jewish sea captains and miners, which is probably the furthest apart two stereotypes could be. A Jewish nation in the Indian Ocean would not face the persistent existential threat posed by Iran, Egypt and Syria, but would probably would find some new neighbors outraged by their presence (sorry native Malagasians!) (and let’s be honest, the Iranians – I have a hunch they’re going to piss-y with a Jewish nation-state no matter where it is). Madagascar would likely not be the forgotten outpost it essentially is today, and would not have immediately fallen in disrepair because the rest of the world forgot about it too. This is my new favorite historical what-if.

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 17 in Today I Learned – Operation Paul Bunyan

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As we sit delicately on the precipice of World War III with North Korea while our Cheeto-dusted Commander in Chief pouts and yells at the North Korean Rocket Boy, let’s revisit an oft-forgotten incident that had the White House convinced World War III was about to break out in 1976 between American and South Korean forces and North Korea over a precariously located poplar tree.

Let’s set the scene here, which is essential to understanding why this particular poplar was of powerful political passions. On the western side of the demilitarized zone was a spot called Panmunjom. At Panmunjom, the North and South Koreans squabbled over a sliver of land. There was a South Korean/American outpost at the end of their designated property with a particular observation checkpoint directly on the edge of the North Korean property; soldiers called this little shed the “Point of No Return” – you were literally yards away from North Korean soldiers who would deliberately antagonize American soldiers and wave guns at them in an attempt to provoke a response which, if given would lead to escalation or possible kidnapping into North Korea. If you got kidnapped into North Korean – SPOILER – you would not be returning. Soldiers HAAAAAAATED this task, as you could imagine. Not only were you standing guard alone, you would be spit at (or on, in some instances), guns pointed at you, with black soldiers reporting slurs and monkey gestures thrown at them. Go ahead and scratch North Korea off your list of potential spring break ’19 destinations.

To protect soldiers standing guard from disappearing overnight from this outpost, a larger more secure watchtower was constructed and manned by the UN on an outcropping to look down from above. Great! Problem solved! Except in the spring, this one tree, this ONE FUCKING POPLAR TREE, would blossom and completely eclipse the outpost, defeating the entire point of the watchtower. The American outpost commander did exactly what any grumpy dad would do when an unkempt bush questionably located between a neighbor’s property and his own infringed on his own: he cut that bitch down.

The South Korean/American delegation sent ten men, including three Americans to cut this shit down. They trotted out to this disputed sliver of land, and began to chop away with axes at this tree. The North Korean commander came out, furious (again – this is the most tense neighborly-shrub dispute in the history of the world) and declared KIM IL SUNG HIMSELF had planted and nourished this tree, and they needed to stop immediately. Captain Arthur Bonifas, being the badass he was, turned his back to this tiny pouting Korean man and went back to chopping at the tree. The Northerner left and returned shortly after with approximately thirty men and again demanded the Southern delegation leave. Captain Bonifas, as he had done before, turned his back on the North Koreans, who did not take this insult twice, and proceeded to beat him. Chaos exploded, everyone panicked and split, and within twenty to thirty seconds, the scrum ended with two Americans in critical condition after being bludgeoned with the axes they had been using. Captain Bonifas and another soldier died from their wounds before the day was over.

“Outraged” seems to be a woefully insufficient way to describe the American response to this provocation. To further this feeling, the North Koreans quickly released a statement saying they requested a halt to the tree chopping, at which point they were attacked, and the causalities were the result of the Americans’ actions attacking them. The Americans “officially” considered three responses, but really only two and half-ish: 1. Full-on assault: This would essentially begin World War III, which is what everyone desperately hoped to avoid, especially the US who was already floundering in a bogged-down war in Vietnam at the same. 2. Nothing: This is the half-ish idea. Have you ever known America to stand down and avoid a confrontation? There was never a chance the Americans were going to let the murder of two soldiers slide while the North Koreans cockily egged them on from across the bridge. 3. “Cut down the tree with the aid of overwhelming force.” Fucking. Booyah.

On August 21, 1976, the Americans responded with extreme prejudice with Operation Paul Bunyan. After being elevated to DEFCON-3 (only the third time the military-readiness system had been that high, along with immediately after 9/11 and the Yom Kippur War between Egypt and Syria against Israel in 1973), the shit was about to hit the fan. At 8 am, two eight-man teams went to the tree covered in Kevlar and armed with axes and side arms. You will see how quaint those side arms are shortly. Men on the teams had to volunteer for the mission because leadership was legitimately concerned that the North Koreans would open fire and attempt to escalate the situation, so to be standing on a ladder with an ax mere yards away from a North Korean firing squad was what many would call “a big ask”. Now, these teams were not alone. With them into the questionable zone went two 30-man security platoons (considering the agreement that only thirty men from either side be allowed in the zone at once, this was provocative enough in itself). So here we are, with 76 men in the secured zone already while two men simultaneously worked a chainsaw on opposite sides of the tree.

A team from another company had activated denotation charges underneath the bridge and established a machine gun nest near the American outpost. The South Koreans organized a 64-man task force consisting of special forces specially trained in tae kwon do for close quarters combat, who showed up at the last minute with rifles, grenade launchers and claymore explosives strapped to their chests. So much for not escalating the situation. When South Korea commits, they fucking COMMIT.

The engineer teams are going to town on this tree. when the North Koreans noticed and responded with some 200 men with assault rifles and machine guns. Commanding officer Lieutenant Colonel Vierra identified their response, and radioed in for the REAL shit. Twenty American utility helicopters outfitted with machine guns rose from behind the South Korean outpost, along with seven fully stocked Cobra helicopters hovering a few dozen yards away from the most fraught-over tree in world history, all with artillery targeted at the suddenly vastly outgunned North Koreans. One of the guys on the ground reported how it seemed the choppers covered the entire horizon behind them.

That is a hilarious amount of overkill to chop a tree down, but America doesn’t do hilarious overkill – they do downright PREPOSTEROUS. A fleet of B-52s stormed overhead from a Japanese airbase, each flanked by F-4s with South Korean F-5s and F-86s patrolling the airzone at higher altitude – although still low enough to be in sight of all parties on the ground. An American artillery unit settled a fleet of Hawk guided missiles on the ridge overlooking the questioned area, while the USS Midway stationed near Guam had earlier sent every plane on-board toward the area (along with three nuclear-capable bombers), which just so happened to be popping up on North Korean radar on a direct trajectory to Pyongyang at roughly 8:30 am. A separate air base in Japan had a dozen C-130s fueled and lined up on the edge of the runway nose-to-tail for further instructions. Henry Kissinger and President Ford both sat patiently in the Oval Office awaiting updates, prepared to hand down further commands should all the above somehow, staggeringly, not be enough.

So, for about forty-five minutes, four engineers took turns standing on the roof of a jeep pruning limbs off a tree, while North Koreans assembled and pointed a machine gun at them with fighter jets and bombers circled overhead with a dozen helicopters hovering behind them, with a platoon of South Korean lunatics strapping claymore explosives to their chest, all while the President sat and listened in.

The next day, North Korea had issued a statement accepting blame for the death of the American soldiers, the first time they had accepted any blame whatsoever for any skirmishes at any checkpoint, despite even the UN agreeing the were almost always responsible. The United States responded their apology was not accepted, but noted it was a step in the right direction as they wished to avoid escalating the situation any further. This is the story of the time North Korea thought they wanted some shit, to which America responded by taking its collective dick out and slapping it on their foreheads, for which the North Koreans then apologized for impeding the dick’s trajectory.

(Note – I primarily used an article from the Atavist (https://magazine.atavist.com/axes-of-evil-north-korea-dmz-tree-murders) for this. If this story interests you, and you want to read the specifics like how the on-ground commander jeopardized the lines of communication so the White House couldn’t interfere, or how they went about selecting the most physically imposing individuals for the “Point of No Return” outpost or, ya know, ACTUALLY journalism, I strongly recommend checking it out. It is indeed this outlandish and worth your time.)

Arch Stanton Guest Post: Episode 16 in Today I Learned – The Illuminati

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DID YOU KNOW THE ILLUMINATI CONTROLS THE MEDIA AND THE PRESIDENCY AND CONGRESS AND JAY-Z AND BEYONCE? It seems unbelievable, but that’s only because its so real. But seriously – why is this a thing? Why do you see an eye in a pyramid and think ‘Illuminati!’? How is this so well known that Taco Bell made a commercial about it, and Charlie Daniels had to issue an outraged tweet about how “the Illuminati is not a frivolous subject”? (THE IRONY of a dude famous for dueling the devil in a fiddle contest preaching about the frivolity of another quasi-entity is delicious, almost as much so as a chicken quesarito from Taco Bell with hot sauce. ALMOST.) I was thinking about how this group obviously came from somewhere, and their deification as the antithesis to every and anything in the modern world, but how? Or why even? Let ignore Charlie Daniels’ serious statement and get frivolous about the Illuminati!

Like all good conspiracies, the Illuminati was born out of a shred of truth and blossomed into something hilariously opaque and conspiratorial. The “real” Illuminati was founded in 1776 by philosopher Adam Weishaupt as, no joke, a secret society in Ingolstadt, Germany, which sounds exactly like the noise I shoehorn in when I am forcing my offensive German on strangers at the grocery store. Hilariously, the original purpose of this iteration of the Illuminati was to fight superstition, “obscurantism” (the practice of airing deliberately imprecise information with the intention of confusion its audience, which definitely is no longer a thing), religious influence over public life and abuses of state power. The group Alex Jones screams about when declaring a New World Order was originally founded to fight idiots spreading misinformation, because those who do not understand history are doomed to repeat them apparently. This iteration of the Illuminati spent most of their time infiltrating local Freemasons (aka the neighborhood-dad-garage-band of secret societies) and recruiting them to their own group.

Because it was the late 18th century, states panicked about the possibility of someone undermining their control, especially in German which still hadn’t been consolidated into a single state at this point. Rumors of the Illuminati and Freemasons undermining state authority reached Bavarian ruler Charles Theodore, who outlawed secret societies in 1784 with assistance from the Church, who definitely didn’t have an interest in fighting the people fighting religious interference in public life. Under penalty of death, the Illuminati predictably fizzled out immediately by all accounts… until the French Revolution. By the time the French Revolution had gripped France and paralyzed the other European rulers suddenly now under the threat of guillotining, culprits were needed to blame for this sudden shift in political winds, and the Illuminati made an excellent subject. No evidence was found linking them to any revolutionary activity, but “lack of evidence” has never been a hindrance to good ol’ fashioned outrage. After this period, the Illuminati was replaced as the conspiracy of choice by the Jews and Catholics.

Here’s where the next step into the modern version of the Illuminati we all know and love splits into three competing theories according to the internet, which has never been wrong ever. The first theory of modern Illuminati involves the window between World War I and World II where fascist propagandists and revisionist historians claimed it existed to serve the Jewish elite as well as Soviet Communism in order to divide and rule the world. This seems like the most probable avenue because of course the Jews were behind it. American socialite Edith Starr was a large proponent of the Illuminati conspiracy at this time in addition to her role as an anti-Mormon agitator, which is a fascinating concept in its own right. This version of history led to fundamentalist Christians pushing the Illuminati-as-anti-globalists and secular/modern humanists ruining everything. How the Illuminati shifted from “keeping the world’s powers separate” into suddenly being all about a “New World Order”, I have no idea; you’ll need to scour YouTube on your own time for that.

The second, and most entertaining version involves a group of anarchist hippies printing and distributing “the Principia Discordia”, which was a type of parody religious text written to praise the goddess of Chaos, Eris. The basic premise is civil disobedience, hoaxes and practical jokes were totally hip now, or whatever hippies said to describe things as cool. Groovy, probably. One writer, Robert Anton Wilson, embraced these truisms and wanted to fight the man via his job as the editor of Playboy. He began sending letters to his employer about the elite secret group called the Illuminati, and then would send more letters contradicting his previous claims about the group. The idea was readers would see the different claims and think critically about how information was presented to them – what a wacky hi-jink! Eventually, he wrote a series of books called “The Illuminatus Trilogy” addressing cover-ups, which became a cult classic. Somehow a terrible joke crossed over into legitimate conspiracy shortly after. This seems too stupid to be the actual cause, but I know better than to consider anything or anyone “too stupid” to avoid defying expectations.

The third, and what I consider the least plausible, is the hip hop game somehow decided the Illuminati was going to be the thing they rapped about in their serious tracks not about drug dealing or being in gangs, like mid 90’s artists were wont to do. According to the Daily Beast, between 1995 and 1998, Mobb Deep, LL Cool J, Goodie Mob, AZ, Ras Kass, Wu-Tang Clan, Canibus and Dr Dre all mentioned the Illuminati in their songs. Before long, the genre turned on itself and started proclaiming other artists were part of the Illuminati because they were more successful then them. Jay-Z was the first person targeted, because the only way to make it in hip hop is to sell out to the Illuminati allegedly. In 2011, apparently every major record label had at least one, if not multiple artists, referencing the Illuminati or refuting their link to the group on a track. Since then, anyone who has slapped a rhyming verse over a beat has been linked to the Illuminati. OH NO, THE SPIN DOCTORS ARE PROOF OF THE ILLUMINATI AND THE NEW WORLD ORDER! I don’t see this as plausible because there’s no really link between a bunch of black guys in the 1990s got to reading texts from a bunch of Enlightenment-era thinkers from Ingoldstadt, Germany – it seems far more likely the jumped on the bandwagon forged by an “anti-Mormon agitator” or the lamest practical joke of all time.

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Recently, Dan Brown sullied the concept of a modern novel with “Angels and Demons” about an Illuminati hitman and Pat Robertson insulted the concept of written communication with “The New World Order”. From here, however you choose to disseminate the information in your own worldview is up to you. If you view a lack of evidence disproving a fictional entity as proof of its existence, or the endless “proof” of the existence of a supposedly super secret group based on edgy, popular or common symbols, well that’s on you. If the Illuminati was really as all-powerful as YouTube seems to think, wouldn’t their videos have been removed by now?

/sees video about Blue Ivy and the acrostic symbolism of her name as “Born Living Under Evil Illuminati’s Very Youngest”

//does not discern that, if this group was to survive, she wouldn’t be the youngest for long

///uploads my own video about how “Two Princes” is absolute proof of the Spin Doctors allegiance to the unholy New World Order

DON’T KNOCK IT UNTIL YOU GET ALL THE FACTS GUYS!