Song of the Day (1/17/2017)

Today’s song of the day is brought to you by democracy, freedom, and the makers of Splenda:

All other artificial sweeteners can sod off and go back to Russia.  ‘Merica.

Today’s song of the day is the fabulously banging Do Ya by Electric Light Orchestra.  Whether you like the song or hate it, it’s an amazing song and you’ll like it.

Quick tangent: I had an addition to the Top Westerns list: The War Wagon with none other than John Wayne and Kirk Douglas.  A true classic.

And we’re back on track.  And we’re focused.  And…Buster, can’t you do that in the break room, buddy?  Speaking of tangents, this came across my screen the other day:

It’d be relevant if I stooped so low as to take public transportation.  And speaking of middle class problems, this little gem, taken out of context, is an absolute doozy:

Jerome Hesch may sound like the name of a black Jew, meagerly scraping by in the porn industry on a diet of canned pineapples and government cheese, but the guy sure has a point and sure knows how to trigger the liberal left.  My purple pimp hat is off to you, good sir.

I’ll end with a great license plate spot:

“MOFO Fam.”  There may be some incestuous love being made here, but at least we can assume the parents are in a loving, heteronormative marriage.

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Song of the Day (1/6/2017)

It’s official.  My boy Dee Snider has waited too long to make the song of the day so with that, please appreciate We’re Not Gonna Take It – Twisted Sister as my humble offering for the day.  Pass the carrots, please.

I was a party to a wonderful conference call earlier this evening where a participant didn’t quite land the correct pronounciation of “renege.”  Now, typically, I’d attribute this grave error to their southern upbringing; however, I feel this mispronouciation was much more akin to a repeal of the 13th amendment.  Certainly sounded like it.  Also, can we all agree that Tucker Carlson just looks like a sack of shit?  The guy is “too frat” for William & Mary and his very presence irks me in a most unpleasant way.

Speaking of assholes, can we also talk about Triton Capital Partners below? Kudos to the nine person firm that manages to hire two Asmanns and a Colon.  Unfortunate that the hiring manager didn’t give two Schmidts.

Probably a fine firm to work for, regardless.  Gettin’ paid, gettin’ laid…gotta make that chedda (this is in reference to the first part ūüė≥).

And finally.  I challenge each of my two readers to pronounce this:

If after reading that, your reaction was the same as Dr. Strangelove’s, mein hat is off to you.  Now I’m off to the bathroom…the new speed bumps in my neighborhood have really stirred something up.

“The most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help” – RR

Song of the Day (1/4/2017)

Happy New Year!  Hope everyone had a relaxing and enjoyable holiday season.  Today’s song of the day is simply amazing and is a shout out to the spaghetti westerns of yesteryear: For a Few Dollars More by Ennio Morricone.

I can’t resist the urge to include a Top 100 Westerns of all Time list.  For those of you who know me, you’ll know that McLintock!, Big Jake, Once Upon a Time in the West, The Man with No Name series, True Grit (2010), 3:10 to Yuma (2007), The Outlaw Josey Wales, The Searchers, Stagecoach, Red River, Rio Bravo, and The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance are the very best.  Although these are in no particular order and are all VERY worth your time, some are slightly better than others, depending on your mood.

I also can’t resist plugging two hot sauces that recently came across my plate (read into that as you wish).  The first is Tropical Pepper Co.’s Scotch Bonnet Caribbean Pepper Sauce and it’s positively delightful on the palate.  A quick google search didn’t turn up any results for the scoville score but it’s very, very weak but compensates in taste where it lacks in heat.  Photo below.

Expect to finish this bottle in a matter of days if you’re like me and put it on everything.  The next hot sauce has a bit more heat to it and it’s also from our friends at Tropical Pepper Co. – it’s their Special Edition XXXXtra Hot Habanero Pepper Sauce.  A bit more heat and will take you a bit longer to finish.  This has less of the tangy Caribbean taste of the former but definitely packs in the taste of habanero.  Again, no scoville score…but you won’t be able to butt chug this one like the Scotch Bonnet.

Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m off to the bathroom to trim down my face sweater to match The Duke’s stache in She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.  I may also paint the porcelain but only after I paint my wagon.

“The day they lay you away, what I’ll do on your grave won’t pass for flowers” – The Shootist (1976)

Random Bidtits (12/15/2016)

Annyong!

And welcome, from ‘Merica’s heartland.  Let’s get right into it.  On a flight to Las Vegas earlier this week I came across this, a woman CLIPPING HER NAILS ON THE FLIGHT:


I was immediately put off my this lack of regard for humanity.  But, alas, she ended up being super nice and we spent the flight speaking in broken Spanish while she’s wasn’t busy reading a pamphlet titled “Se√Īor Jes√ļs.”  An amigo of mine would later suggest I get her autograph as the housekeeper from Family Guy:


I thought the antics were over until on the return flight from Las Vegas, a little Asian woman next to me asked for a platter of lemon wedges.  Sure enough, the flight attendant came back with a shish kabob of United Airlines branded lemon wedges on a plastic stick.  The woman spent the remainder of the flight alternating between sucking on the United Airlines lemon wedges, sniffing them like she’s recovering from an insatiable glue habit, and rubbing them across her nose and forehead.  Where do these people come from?

During my stay in Vegas, I made sure to stop at an old favorite, In and Out Burger.  It seems I didn’t learn my lesson in 2014 when I originally tried Animal Style and actually shit my pants at the General Sherman tree in Sequoia National Park.  So, following the Animal Style extravaganza, chased by a river of pop, I found myself exploring the surprisingly finite limitations of my colon in the lobby of Caesars Palace.  At first there were some gentle movements and I was tangentially made aware that I would soon be pinching off something mildly pungent.

But then, with the force of ten thousand atomic bombs, my colon shifted ten inches to the side and I scampered to the bathroom with a look of terror across my face.  What would come ended up being quite a mix: three parts primordial soup, two parts high-density solids that hit the porcelain with enough force to effectively split the atom.  I felt like Sisyphus as I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, straining every muscle beneath my eyebrow.

I’d like to formally apologize to the staff of Caesars Palace for leaving that monstrosity behind.  Let’s hope the Romans’ aqueduct technology has improved with the times, lest this thing get lodged in the intake valves at Hoover Dam.  Let’s pray those workers are indeed “shovel ready” because this beast had some serious momentum behind it.

Today’s fun fact of the day: the word emotion means disturbance.  The word comes from the Latin evomere, which means to disturb.  Now you know!  This fun fact comes from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which I am currently reading.  It’s a quick read and I highly encourage everyone to give it a shot.  While a bit repetitive, the message is very powerful and mirrors a commencement speech by Jim Carrey that I also encourage people to view.  I watched this a number of times a month ago and I can promise that it has since changed my life in terrific ways.

Quick tangent: everyone has shit on the size of Donald Trump’s hands. HOW THE FUCK HAS EVERYONE MISSED VAN MORRISON’S?!?!?


The man is absolutely adorable.  Can Mattel please, please, please make a 2:1 scale American Girl Doll resembling this man?

And finally, I took this photo in Chicago (of all places) this summer.  I shed a tear of blissful joy upon strolling beneath its magnificence:


I leave our readers with this thought: Barry Nobama wins a nobel peace prize, but can you name the man/woman who developed the first “tube” website?

“That Line in My Stomach is From HOTS”

Never before has a nerdier line been uttered at 8am.  My neckbeard twitched with giddy amusement as he lifted his shirt this morning to show a quasi-permanent lateral line across his stomach.  Battle scars from the night before, hunched behind the glow of the Asus as enemy mana regens and ultimates danced across our monitors.  I’m speaking, of course, of Heroes of the Storm.  And if you haven’t yet played it, I highly encourage you to go out and download the free game.  I also encourage you to avoid partying up with us because we’re absolute dogshit.  Laning, cooperative communicating, and hero-specific focused attacking are some of the things we can’t do.  Simply put, we’re a motley crew of divas, prima donnas, and hotshots.  This theme will come up time and time again as this blog moves forward.  We’ll revisit the realm of the neckbeard (video games and hot pockets) in time, most likely culminating in an expose of how tres cuatro tres (better known in the gaming world as 343 Industries) has royaly fucked Halo fanboy/girls.  But that will come in time.

Congratulations!  You successfully made it to the second paragraph!  Here is a mildly-entertaining Bloomberg article on Trump’s unpredictability as it relates to foreign policy, including a comparison to Tricky Dick who, if he were alive today following the recent large takeovers of American companies by Chinese state-backed conglomerates, would likely go by Tricky Dong.  It’s a different world today than the early seventies.  Mostly because forty years has passed.

And finally, after feeling a lazy sack yesterday morning, I balled up what little energy I had and went to the pharmacy so do some shopping.  Came across the following and loved the utility and smell of the product – the only wrinkle was the price.

The problem is you need to keep the lid on the thing at all times or it loses its moisture too quickly.  I haven’t figured out a way to keep the lid on the can AND my balls in the can at the same time.

¬°Carlos Danger for Mayor!

Annyong!

Hope everything had an enjoyable and relaxing Thanksgiving with friends and loved ones. ¬†It was brought to my attention that I failed to make a blog post about the election. ¬†So here you go: Trump won. ¬†Yes, a huge surprise, I wrote him off during the final 1v1 debates and the¬†Comey letter. ¬†I was wrong, but I was definitely right about this amazing video titled Winter is Trumping (3 minutes long and well worth your time). ¬†Trump won. ¬†Shocker. ¬†We’ll see what¬†comes of all this – I expect he’ll prove much more moderate and presidential than people fear. ¬† Hopes are high that he’ll also move on fiscal policy like a bitch.

Now. ¬†Let’s get into the real “meat” of this thread.

On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the 12 megapixel camera phone? ¬†(Okay, shout out to Meat Loaf’s You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth) ¬†Yes, Carlos Danger is back in the news for¬†lewd photos and texts. ¬†Quick tangent – I was recently at the bank with some people at the drive up window with the tube. ¬†The teller on the camera was pretty cute and it occurred to us that the first dick pic was probably sent in the 1980’s as a¬†Polaroid and sent up the tube to the unsuspecting bank teller.

Okay, have less time than I expected so need to end it here. ¬†Sorry to see Anthony Weiner’s political career is now tainted, emphasis on that last word. ¬†Actually sad about their marriage, too bad Huma couldn’t “stick it out” as well as Carlos. ¬†I highly recommend everyone check out the Anthony Weiner memes on google images but below are some of the better photos:

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Finally, found the below earlier today and thought it was pretty cool (but was also thoroughly amused):

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